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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at DM over 2yo's bedtime?

161 replies

squishymamma · 19/05/2022 06:56

I'm originally from the UK, but we don't live here. However we are currently over visiting family. We have 2 DC aged 2 years and 4 months.

It was recently DH's birthday and as a present DM bought him a cookery class we could do as a couple while we were over. She said she could babysit DC while we were gone. For context, DM has been to visit us as much as she could pandemic permitting, and we've been here once or twice. We also do regular video calls. So DS1 kind of knows who she is but isn't super familiar with her.

DM has always been very vocal in how she views our parenting. DS1 is pretty easy to deal with and laid back (as much as a toddler can be!) but he's always been difficult in the sleep department. He always fights bedtime, like most toddlers, and it takes a while to get him to sleep. Some nights we have to sit with him a while and go back in multiple times because he wakes up and cries. Very, very occasionally we have to hold him until he falls asleep, if he's feeling particularly insecure/unsafe. DM has always rolled her eyes at this and implied that we're being dramatic about it.

So we went to our class and had a lovely time. Got back around 11.45pm and DS1 was sat on DM's knee watching TV!! DM got all defensive saying he refused to sleep, woke up "screaming" every 5 minutes, they'd sat with him for an hour etc.

Now I know how difficult DS1 can be which is why I'd told her our routine, given her warnings of how he can be and what we usually do to deal with it etc. We haven't been here so long so he's still a bit insecure, getting used to being in a new place etc so I assumed he'd probably be extra difficult, and said so. However, he's been to stay with PIL before, who he also hasn't seen much, and they managed to give him a normal bedtime despite him also fighting it there.

I'm absolutely fuming because it then took us over an hour to actually get him to sleep since he was overtired and overstimulated from presumably watching TV all evening (he does get screen time usually but we try to avoid before bed) and it kind of put a damper on the end of our lovely evening. He also doesn't do lie ins so he'll probably be up in an hour and be tired and cranky all day, and of course it's us that have to deal with it and not DM...

AIBU to think that DM (& DF) should have tried harder to put him to bed, or would you also have given up and let him watch TV until we came home?

OP posts:
Beees · 19/05/2022 08:08

FlamingoQueen · 19/05/2022 08:02

My mil and sil babysat my ds when he was 1. Like yours, he was a pain at sleeping. We came back from a meal out to find them all playing. Mil wanted to play! They’ve never babysat since!

I hope this is satire. If not how bloody ridiculous, talk baout cutting your nose off. Hmm

PurpleFlower1983 · 19/05/2022 08:09

This happens to us every time my parents babysit but we’re just so grateful for the childcare. YABU.

Lalliella · 19/05/2022 08:11

One night won’t do him any harm. It’s cute that he was sat on her lap, sounds like they were having some nice DGM/DGS time together. Don’t begrudge either of them that.

You’re his parents, you need to get his bedtime routine sorted. Of course he’s going to be unsettled somewhere different though.

TeaBug · 19/05/2022 08:14

I think it's probably frustrating for me that she usually implies that we're making a big fuss over his bedtime and that it's somehow our fault, but then when she babysits its fine for him to stay up so late

Well you've set the pattern now. She can't change it in one night.

PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS · 19/05/2022 08:15

The big bonus here is that your DM will now believe you when you say he’s hard to put to bed and not imply your mollycoddling him by going in multiple times, occasionally rocking him to sleep etc!

KangarooKenny · 19/05/2022 08:16

YABVU

LowlandLucky · 19/05/2022 08:19

You are not the ungrateful type are you ?

IfNoTwitterThenWhat · 19/05/2022 08:24

I was that babysitter … ironically the child slept soundly till 1/2 hour before the parents came home then woke up upset … I figured it was better for them to come home to a happy awake child than one screaming in a cot .

MerryMarigold · 19/05/2022 08:29

Your mum can comment on your bedtime routine being over the top, AND keep him up. You've created something which is very difficult for others to implement and she can't undo that in one night! And to be fair, you have created this impossible routine. She should probably have said, I'm not going to be doing that whole malarkey so I'll just keep him up with me.

Sceptre86 · 19/05/2022 08:34

I actually would be annoyed but I wouldn't be surprised. If she got a gift for your dh that overlapped with your son's bedtime then it put you in the difficult place of not being able to go or needing them to babysit. She then didn't stick to your routine and whilst it's tough if she was babysitting and offered then she should have known her own evening wouldn't be like it is usually. Was it just a one off cookery course or is it over a few days? If it is over any more days I'd stay home eith him and your dh could go on his own.

Beees · 19/05/2022 08:34

She should probably have said, I'm not going to be doing that whole malarkey so I'll just keep him up with me.

I get the sense the OP would have still complained of she had said that or argued it meant she and her DH felt like they couldn't go out. In reality you're correct she was never going to be able to settle him if his own mother struggles.

xsaffysmummyx · 19/05/2022 08:35

I personally feel like your DM has done a nice thing for you to give you a night off parenting with your DH. I would just be grateful that i got a night out. And plus your DM who is grandma/nanna/nanny or whatever she gets called by your little, is there to not be a disciplinarian for your child but to be the fun nanna who lets you stay up a little bit later gives you big cuddles and treats you. That is a nannas perogative! Id just relax about the situation and forget about it. Whats one night different bed routine when you get a night out and little one is getting cuddles with nanna. And we all know most kids try to push buttons and get away with whatever they can when they are with someone they are not that familiar with! Dont let yourself get worked up by this

Jalepenojello · 19/05/2022 08:38

It’s not ideal but I definitely wouldn’t be fuming. Your child was safe and looked after. You had a nice evening out together. It’s one late night. I can imagine it being really difficult to look after a child who isn’t overly familiar with you an expecting them to stick to their routine and I couldn’t leave a child who I don’t know well to get upset over bedtime

Vikinga · 19/05/2022 08:43

You sound like a dick op. If you're going to be so ridiculous then don't leave your child with anyone.
And it is your fault that your toddler needs all that every night. He knows everytime he makes a fuss he's going to get some interaction.

My eldest was like that with my ex and not with me. When his dad was away, I didn't have any problems getting him to sleep because I may have checked in on him and put my hand on him but then left him. My ex would interact with him therefore he cried multiple times every night.

marvellousmaple · 19/05/2022 08:45

Poor Grandma

Problemmo · 19/05/2022 08:48

She did what she could to survive, we’ve all been there. She obviously didn’t know how to cope with his tantrums and general bedtime struggles so after trying to settle him as much as she could, she resorted to that. It was a one off and I think you’re being harsh. I also don’t think this is typical 2 year old behaviour fwiw. I have 5 DC and none have done this.

olympicsrock · 19/05/2022 08:51

It’s fine. He was warm safe and loved having cuddles with Granny. Sure she did her best.

Isaidnoalready · 19/05/2022 08:53

How do you know pil gave him a normal bedtime? They could have left him to scream himself out for all you know

Your fortunate to have kind people willing to babysit

Carrotmum · 19/05/2022 08:54

Would you rather she left him screaming all night, cause no doubt he was even more challenging in a strange house for anyone who was not a parent, just to prove a point to you about how inflexible the current bed time arrangements are? I’m pretty sure that if you came back to a severely distressed child you would be fuming about that too.

Blarting · 19/05/2022 08:56

She did the right thing, would you rather he was hysterical at being left?

Arenanewbie · 19/05/2022 08:58

It’s a gift really. Next time she implies you’re making hard work of his bedtime you can laugh and say ‘well, you know yourself how hard it is now’
^It’s a great approach.
You are overreacting. It’s one off and you are not on your own for the next day.

Original poster
squishymamma · 19/05/2022 09:00

Okay, lots to unpack here I see...

Firstly I also do have a 4 month old so am a bit sleep deprived, many people focusing on my word choice instead of the actual question 🙄 yes "fuming" was probably the wrong word but seriously, not the issue here??

Secondly, our sleep routine is not set in stone - his bedtime varies from 7pm to 9pm depending on how he is. He naps 2-3 hours in the middle of the day. We haven't built an unnecessarily hard routine, usually at home we do the usual pre-bedtime stuff, sit with him for like 5 minutes while he settles, then go out. He's often awake and babbles to himself before falling asleep. Wakes maybe 1-2 times a night if at all. But this is at home, so obviously he would be harder not at home. He is after all a 2 year old.

Thirdly, he has had babysitters at home and has also stayed over at PIL, who he also doesn't know super well because, again, COVID. They reported no issues getting him to sleep.

I accept im unreasonable to be angry, and obviously we're still having a good time with my DP and they have no idea about this, but it's quite funny that some think I'm too controlling when most that know me think I'm too relaxed 😂 that's AIBU for you though really. Appreciate the comments!

OP posts:
WhiteTeaNoSugar · 19/05/2022 09:02

squishymamma · 19/05/2022 07:09

Okay maybe I am being unreasonable...I think it's probably frustrating for me that she usually implies that we're making a big fuss over his bedtime and that it's somehow our fault, but then when she babysits its fine for him to stay up so late.

I obviously wasn't going to say anything to them, and we did thank them many times for babysitting!

I think this comment alone shows that you don’t understand what a huge part you’re playing in your child’s poor sleep routine. Everything you’re doing is keeping your kid up and encouraging him NOT to sleep, and not to learn to sleep on his own. And you seem surprised that your mum can’t magically fix this in one night while she’s babysitting. Be nice to your mum and think about getting some help with the sleep issues as you’ll need to change your own behaviour to help your child sleep without drama.

bumblingbovine49 · 19/05/2022 09:03

But the fact that your mother has seen how difficult it is to get your DS to sleep is a good thing surely? Maybe she will not roll her eyes so much when you mention bedtimes now

I mean this as kindly as possible as I know how frustrating it is when a child won't or can't go to sleep easily but YABU. I'd have done exactly the same thing if someone left their child with me and they were crying a lot at bedtime. Your DS was probably a bit unsettled because you weren't there and your DM wasn't as confident at dealing with this and insisting on a bedtime as you PILs were. It really is not something to get upset about unless there is more of a backstory with regards to your relationship with your mother

KeepYaHeadUp · 19/05/2022 09:06

YABU - you trust your DM to care for your child in your absence so you have to trust her to make decisions while you're away. If you're not happy with how she does it then pay for a babysitter. I have had two bad sleepers with labour intensive bedtime routines and when I've left them with grandparents have just accepted they may end up sitting up having cuddles until they're ready to go to bed.