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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at DM over 2yo's bedtime?

161 replies

squishymamma · 19/05/2022 06:56

I'm originally from the UK, but we don't live here. However we are currently over visiting family. We have 2 DC aged 2 years and 4 months.

It was recently DH's birthday and as a present DM bought him a cookery class we could do as a couple while we were over. She said she could babysit DC while we were gone. For context, DM has been to visit us as much as she could pandemic permitting, and we've been here once or twice. We also do regular video calls. So DS1 kind of knows who she is but isn't super familiar with her.

DM has always been very vocal in how she views our parenting. DS1 is pretty easy to deal with and laid back (as much as a toddler can be!) but he's always been difficult in the sleep department. He always fights bedtime, like most toddlers, and it takes a while to get him to sleep. Some nights we have to sit with him a while and go back in multiple times because he wakes up and cries. Very, very occasionally we have to hold him until he falls asleep, if he's feeling particularly insecure/unsafe. DM has always rolled her eyes at this and implied that we're being dramatic about it.

So we went to our class and had a lovely time. Got back around 11.45pm and DS1 was sat on DM's knee watching TV!! DM got all defensive saying he refused to sleep, woke up "screaming" every 5 minutes, they'd sat with him for an hour etc.

Now I know how difficult DS1 can be which is why I'd told her our routine, given her warnings of how he can be and what we usually do to deal with it etc. We haven't been here so long so he's still a bit insecure, getting used to being in a new place etc so I assumed he'd probably be extra difficult, and said so. However, he's been to stay with PIL before, who he also hasn't seen much, and they managed to give him a normal bedtime despite him also fighting it there.

I'm absolutely fuming because it then took us over an hour to actually get him to sleep since he was overtired and overstimulated from presumably watching TV all evening (he does get screen time usually but we try to avoid before bed) and it kind of put a damper on the end of our lovely evening. He also doesn't do lie ins so he'll probably be up in an hour and be tired and cranky all day, and of course it's us that have to deal with it and not DM...

AIBU to think that DM (& DF) should have tried harder to put him to bed, or would you also have given up and let him watch TV until we came home?

OP posts:
AlexForrestBunny · 19/05/2022 07:40

I have difficult sleepers too so we have a good bed time routine and stick to them in attempts not to rock the boat but if my mum or in-laws are babysitting then it’s a case of ‘do what you gotta do’
I’m thankful they are looking after them so I can go out, one night of sleep chaos isn’t going to ruin a toddler (might make them grumpy the next day)
I also find what works for you won’t always work for everyone else so she might have tried doing all you asked but he just wouldn’t settle, she can’t physically make him sleep so I’d just be glad he was happy and comfortable with her.
if you really are that annoyed then it might be best not to go out until they are consistently sleeping through?

ValentinaLuna · 19/05/2022 07:41

When my dc was young I would bend over backwards to make sure everything was as easy for babysitter as possible and if this meant dc staying up till v late cuffing my mil watching tv so be it

you had a lovely night don’t let it be overshadowed

HistoricMoment · 19/05/2022 07:42

You can't expect your mum to cope with your toddler's behaviour as well as you do. It's always difficult to deal with a distressed child that isn't yours. If you want things done exactly the way you want them done, you need to do them yourself!

Ithinkwemightgetaholiday · 19/05/2022 07:43

InChocolateWeTrust · 19/05/2022 07:04

I think when you have a child that is hard to put to bed, you should be grateful anyone has been willing to babysit for you at all and not whinge about it.

I agree with this.
Whenever ours were babysat when they were little, whatever the relative in charge had to do to make their evening easy was fine with us!

user1497787065 · 19/05/2022 07:43

It's a one off. Get over yourself. I thought you were going to say your mother had left him screaming all night.

SkankingWombat · 19/05/2022 07:44

YABVU. I would be happy I'd had a child-free night and have already assumed DC would have had little to no sleep, even if they were normally a good sleeper (because it's a new enviroment, they're out of routine, and it's exciting being with GPS!). It wouldn't surprise me to return to find one or both of my DCs still up. I would definitely not expect the babysitter to lie in the dark with DC for hours. Your MIL made the right decision, having given bedtime a very good go.

FWIW, I'm also with your MIL about your sleep routine being OTT. One of my DCs was (is!) a terrible sleeper, and we too needed to cuddle and lay with her when little. However, you need to bite the bullet and it needs to stop now they are no longer a baby. These are not crutches DC will willingly give up but you are doing them a disservice not to teach them good sleep habits, of which self-settling is a big one. It can't be feasible to continue now you have another DC either, can it? What happens if there is only one parent home to do bedtime?
What worked for us was settling them and laying with them for a short while, then keep inventing reasons to pop out for a couple of minutes (eg need the loo/put washing in the machine etc - something boring). You always come back at first, but as they become comfortable with it and confident you'll return, you stretch the time. In not too long you get to a point where you pop back to check on them to find them snoring away, and shortly after that you can just tuck them in, explain you are going to put the laundry away, and walk away.

breatheintheamazing · 19/05/2022 07:44

It was a one off night you need to chill out. You know what he is like and can't expect someone else to deal with that kind of bedtime and expect them to following through with your routine. To be honest I'd have done the same as your MIL

LoveSpringDaffs · 19/05/2022 07:45

squishymamma · 19/05/2022 07:09

Okay maybe I am being unreasonable...I think it's probably frustrating for me that she usually implies that we're making a big fuss over his bedtime and that it's somehow our fault, but then when she babysits its fine for him to stay up so late.

I obviously wasn't going to say anything to them, and we did thank them many times for babysitting!

She thinks you've made a rod for your own back - and you have! You've also made one for anyone babysitting.

She wouldn't be in the position of not being able to get him to sleep if you hadn't 'made a big fuss' of bedtime.

that's her point!

HistoricMoment · 19/05/2022 07:46

So many posters thinking the OP is about the MIL when it's clearly the OP's DM!

WilsonMilson · 19/05/2022 07:47

Jeez op, chill out. You’re being WAY over the top about this, and clearly stressed around the bedtime issue generally - which is no doubt being transferred to your ds, despite your protests that it isn’t.

Your poor mum did her best, your ds was in a different bed and played up - so what? It’s one night.
I think you need to stop being so precious about this, he’s a toddler, he didn’t go to sleep so your mum took him downstairs. No big deal.

Bobbins36 · 19/05/2022 07:49

One night and she was doing you a favour, get real.

artisanbread · 19/05/2022 07:50

Be grateful that your DM not only bought you a thoughtful gift but offered to babysit as well instead of moaning about the fact that your DC went to bed late for one night?

hellcatspanglelalala · 19/05/2022 07:50

YABU. I expect they just didn't want to spend the whole evening with him being distressed.

WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno · 19/05/2022 07:50

I’m not going to be harsh. I get where you’re coming from. My kids are a bloody nightmare at bedtime - they’ve had a consistent bedtime routine since they were tiny but whilst you can do all you can, you can’t force them to go to sleep.

i remember leaving them with my mum during a period where they were more settled and came back at midnight to them running the floor. My mum didn’t want to upset them by making them stay in bed when they didn’t want to.

i was annoyed at the time - not really at my mum, it wasn’t her fault and I know what they’re like. But I was annoyed because I had done the hell of bedtime for years and really, really wanted a night off. Been for a lovely night out then having to come back and do bedtime hell was just…a bit disappointing I suppose.

i don’t really go out for the night any more.

BellePeppa · 19/05/2022 07:52

Fuming lol. Poor granny. Surely on one-off occasions like this it’s not unusual to come home and find the kids still up? It wouldn’t have even crossed my mind to be annoyed never mind fuming.

Babyboomtastic · 19/05/2022 07:52

Eddiesferret · 19/05/2022 07:39

Actually I think it proves the opposite. If you had got an proper sleep routine without all the drama he would have gone to sleep without issue.

Why is sleep such a big issue these days . (Barring SN of course) ? 40 years ago kids had tea at 5pm bath story and tucked up in bed by 7pm . Where they stayed until 6am. Can honestly not recall a single mum friend holding /staying with their kids till they sleep. Or 'sleep issues' How/when did this become a thing . ?

Show quote history

I'm nearly 40, and didnt sleep through until well into primary school, and even up with a floor bed in my parents room, and mostly sleeping in their bed.

Bad sleepers have always existed, we just didn't have Mumsnet to discuss it.

NippyWoowoo · 19/05/2022 07:54

I frequently babysit and have had the same situation. The child would not sleep and screamed and screamed. Which was fair because he knew me, but not very well and never to put him to sleep. It would different with an unfamiliar person than with you.

So I think YABU, if your laid back approach works for you then fine, but if you want to be able to leave your child with other people you need to be stricter with bedtimes, no going in multiple times etc.

artisanbread · 19/05/2022 07:55

Babyboomtastic · 19/05/2022 07:52

I'm nearly 40, and didnt sleep through until well into primary school, and even up with a floor bed in my parents room, and mostly sleeping in their bed.

Bad sleepers have always existed, we just didn't have Mumsnet to discuss it.

Show quote history

Yep, I have one who slept through at 8 weeks and one who didn't sleep through until 6 years. Both always had a good routine, one just didn't sleep.

NippyWoowoo · 19/05/2022 07:56

I'm nearly 40, and didnt sleep through until well into primary school, and even up with a floor bed in my parents room, and mostly sleeping in their bed.

Bad sleepers have always existed, we just didn't have Mumsnet to discuss it.

How did it work when your parents left you with someone that you didn't know very well?

CeeceeBloomingdale · 19/05/2022 07:59

As a one off it’s not a big deal, they probably both enjoyed the time together.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 19/05/2022 08:01

i thought you were going to complain she had let him cry
sounds like hard work for her, and she is your mother so she has experience!

FlamingoQueen · 19/05/2022 08:02

My mil and sil babysat my ds when he was 1. Like yours, he was a pain at sleeping. We came back from a meal out to find them all playing. Mil wanted to play! They’ve never babysat since!

UnintentionallyRidiculous · 19/05/2022 08:02

We stayed at our daughter's recently, to look after our nearly 2yr old grandchild while daughter and son in law had a weekend away. The list of instructions was impressive. We stuck to the list as best we could, but naps and bedtime routine went out the window - just wasn't happening.

Daughter and son in law had a lovely weekend, came home to a happy child, and don't need to know about the sleep chaos.

We went home knackered 😄

Katela18 · 19/05/2022 08:03

I do understand this, my Dd is normally a good sleeper but we do have nights where she refuses to go to bed. She recently did it while staying at MIL who completely indulged her and she didn't go to bed til gone 11. The next day she was obviously an absolute nightmare.

I was so frustrated! But ultimately I realised I was BU as she had done us a favour and it's just one night. But I know when you are picking up the pieces it's hard to so it that way

MrsLargeEmbodied · 19/05/2022 08:04

i think it shows you need to get a routine for your lo