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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at DM over 2yo's bedtime?

161 replies

squishymamma · 19/05/2022 06:56

I'm originally from the UK, but we don't live here. However we are currently over visiting family. We have 2 DC aged 2 years and 4 months.

It was recently DH's birthday and as a present DM bought him a cookery class we could do as a couple while we were over. She said she could babysit DC while we were gone. For context, DM has been to visit us as much as she could pandemic permitting, and we've been here once or twice. We also do regular video calls. So DS1 kind of knows who she is but isn't super familiar with her.

DM has always been very vocal in how she views our parenting. DS1 is pretty easy to deal with and laid back (as much as a toddler can be!) but he's always been difficult in the sleep department. He always fights bedtime, like most toddlers, and it takes a while to get him to sleep. Some nights we have to sit with him a while and go back in multiple times because he wakes up and cries. Very, very occasionally we have to hold him until he falls asleep, if he's feeling particularly insecure/unsafe. DM has always rolled her eyes at this and implied that we're being dramatic about it.

So we went to our class and had a lovely time. Got back around 11.45pm and DS1 was sat on DM's knee watching TV!! DM got all defensive saying he refused to sleep, woke up "screaming" every 5 minutes, they'd sat with him for an hour etc.

Now I know how difficult DS1 can be which is why I'd told her our routine, given her warnings of how he can be and what we usually do to deal with it etc. We haven't been here so long so he's still a bit insecure, getting used to being in a new place etc so I assumed he'd probably be extra difficult, and said so. However, he's been to stay with PIL before, who he also hasn't seen much, and they managed to give him a normal bedtime despite him also fighting it there.

I'm absolutely fuming because it then took us over an hour to actually get him to sleep since he was overtired and overstimulated from presumably watching TV all evening (he does get screen time usually but we try to avoid before bed) and it kind of put a damper on the end of our lovely evening. He also doesn't do lie ins so he'll probably be up in an hour and be tired and cranky all day, and of course it's us that have to deal with it and not DM...

AIBU to think that DM (& DF) should have tried harder to put him to bed, or would you also have given up and let him watch TV until we came home?

OP posts:
StageRage · 19/05/2022 07:15

Chill.

One night staying up watching TV doesn’t matter.

You weren’t there, you don’t know how unsettled he was compared to normal and him probably wanting you. The important thing is that they had him on their laps, cuddling, and hadn’t left him alone and crying.

Wildly unreasonable to be ‘fuming’. You sound ungrateful, controlling and difficult.

Steelesauce · 19/05/2022 07:15

Oh and when I left last weekend to go out, I told my babysitter 'no bedtime' as I knew it was always an issue and didn't want to put that pressure on her. Came home to all the kids fast asleep and she just let them go to bed when they were tired instead of enforcing my usual routine.

5thHelena · 19/05/2022 07:16

My MIL would never even have offered to do this. You are being absolutely ridiculous and ungrateful

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 19/05/2022 07:19

It was a one off, I’d let it go.

DeskInUse · 19/05/2022 07:19

Fuming is a tad over the top. She did something she thought was nice for you both, you enjoyed it. It's one night, ok your dc might be a bit cranky the following day, but that's how kids are. It's a one off and tbh, I'd have done there same in their shoes. It only took an extra hour to get him to sleep. If you're getting this annoyed at something like this, parenting is going to be one long frustration for you.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 19/05/2022 07:20

You remind me of a parent I had recently, they had a terrible daytime napper, literally half hour all day (11 months old) and they were using my setting for 6 days only. I did say ideally she should be napping for longer each day so that might be something to work on. I think she was hoping I'd fix it in those 6 days.

If you build a terrible sleep routine, you can't be surprised they aren't suddenly angels for a near stranger.

Perplexed0522 · 19/05/2022 07:22

You are seriously over reacting.

She probably found it really upsetting to listen to your son cry and just wanted to comfort him. I imagine she probably thought he’d fall asleep in front of the TV.

I would much rather think of my child not screaming and feeling more safe and secure on nanny’s knee than crying and being scared in a bed in an unfamiliar house without his parents there to reassure him.

Im glad you got to have a night out, it’s important couples do that, and I don’t think you did anything wrong by leaving him with his Nan, but at the same time try and have some empathy for her as I’m sure she was just doing what she thought was right at the time to comfort your son.

Just let it go.

paisley256 · 19/05/2022 07:22

You've got to let this go honestly.

ShirleyPhallus · 19/05/2022 07:23

YABVU.

I also agree that your bedtime routine sounds unnecessarily dramatic. No need at all to spend that long on bedtime, you need to be kind but firm that nighttime is for sleeping and not give him mixed signals but keep getting him out the cot and sometimes letting him fall asleep on you etc.

ShirleyPhallus · 19/05/2022 07:23

If you build a terrible sleep routine, you can't be surprised they aren't suddenly angels for a near stranger.

This puts it perfectly

WhiteTeaNoSugar · 19/05/2022 07:25

I’d do what your DM did. You need to calm down a bit, one late night won’t cause him to have developmental delays or become a criminal mastermind. Grandparents “parent” their grandkids differently to parents as they are just there on an ad hoc basis, an easy life is what I’d be aiming for as a GP and a bed-refusing toddler is not that. A late night is a now and then occurrence and it doesn’t matter.

crossstitchingnana · 19/05/2022 07:26

YABU. Put your views of your MIL aside for the moment. She looked after him whilst you went out and had a nice time. She is not you, he sounded happy and safe even though he was awake. Cut her some slack.

FWIW my dd was like your ds until she was 3 or 4 and if I ever went out (which was rare due to the sleep issue) I would always have to put her to bed when I returned. Sometimes we have to take the rough with the smooth.

TheAverageUser · 19/05/2022 07:27

If they're that hard to get to sleep then I don't think you can expect other people to do bedtime or, like this time, just don't care about the one night it doesn't matter.

autumnboys · 19/05/2022 07:29

It’s a gift really. Next time she implies you’re making hard work of his bedtime you can laugh and say ‘well, you know yourself how hard it is now’.

RowanAlong · 19/05/2022 07:30

Agree it’s a one-off, she did her best, and you had a nice time. Child will be fine.

mynameiscalypso · 19/05/2022 07:34

Squirrelblanket · 19/05/2022 07:03

I would have done the same as your mum. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I do the same with my own two year old.

olderthanyouthink · 19/05/2022 07:36

MIL was desperate to have DD 3 or DN 2 over night, they are both difficult sleepers. She had DN for an evening and start of the night and her mum made it clear just just keep her safe and not to worry about bed, MIL was ruined by the time she got back and no longer asks to have DN except for in the day 🤣

When we stayed with MIL she thought she could read a story and leave DD to go to bed, she walked down all please with herself and then I had to go up and settle DD to actually sleep, if she has DD for an evening I would be happy for them to sit on the sofa watching something till DD passed out or we got home b

Delinathe · 19/05/2022 07:36

YABU. Much better than the threads where MIL or whoever leaves baby to scream. Of course he won't settle for her like he will for you. Sounds like she's a bit judgey which is annoying, but she did exactly the right thing in this situation imo.

PatchworkElmer · 19/05/2022 07:36

I also don’t think it’s fair to leave a child with others and expect them to deal with this kind of thing. Your DM was mad to buy that voucher but fundamentally, you know his routine is very high maintenance and I don’t think you should leave him for bedtime until you put in the work to resolve that. At least this should silence your DM’s comments about how hard he is at bed time.

givethatWolfAbanana · 19/05/2022 07:36

Aw gosh new parents the sacredness of their “routines” 😁 it’s normal to feel like this, but essential you snap yourself out if it too

try and go out more often and let DM babysit, and you can all relax a bit more . Parenting can be so intense you become a bit unreasonable 😉

CoralBells · 19/05/2022 07:37

It's better than her leaving him screaming

Delinathe · 19/05/2022 07:37

If you build a terrible sleep routine, you can't be surprised they aren't suddenly angels for a near stranger

That's bloody harsh though, some kids are just bad sleepers and it's nothing their parents have "built."

gamerchick · 19/05/2022 07:37

It's a one off with someone else's kid. There's no way your toddler would have took to the way you put him to bed by anyone but his parents. You've got no right to be so cross.

Beamur · 19/05/2022 07:39

On the plus side, your MIL now knows first hand what your DS is like at bedtime and may be less quick to judge.

Eddiesferret · 19/05/2022 07:39

autumnboys · 19/05/2022 07:29

It’s a gift really. Next time she implies you’re making hard work of his bedtime you can laugh and say ‘well, you know yourself how hard it is now’.

Actually I think it proves the opposite. If you had got an proper sleep routine without all the drama he would have gone to sleep without issue.

Why is sleep such a big issue these days . (Barring SN of course) ? 40 years ago kids had tea at 5pm bath story and tucked up in bed by 7pm . Where they stayed until 6am. Can honestly not recall a single mum friend holding /staying with their kids till they sleep. Or 'sleep issues' How/when did this become a thing . ?