Page 7 | I'm on the verge of a breakdown over friend

Changeymcchangeychange · 2022-05-18T22:15:56+00:00

NC Close friends for a very long time. Over the years she has asked many favours of me but its now getting too much. She knows I can't/won't say no to her. I'm a people pleaser, but don't want to be. I just don't have the balls to say no. I can't list the favours as it's too outting. Shes pushing me to a breakdown. The latest favour requests from her are taking me over the edge and forced me to cancel my day off work. I had nothing planned but that's not the point. I don't know how I manage this situation.

MrsBlaue · 19/05/2022 10:30

Just ghost her. You seem to really struggle with the idea of confronting her. So just block her everywhere and if she turns up on the doorstep send your partner to tell her you won’t be seeing her again. Just escape🦋

Utilityroomenvy · 19/05/2022 10:33

Changeymcchangeychange · 19/05/2022 10:25

@Utilityroomenvy I'm interested to know why my reaction seems extreme and what part of my reaction is extreme ? (the not wanting to do it or the feelings of anger & frustration or both). There have been SO many different types of favours over the years. I counted 25 different types, which she has asked me to do numerous times for each one. These have all impacted my time (I work FT, run a house, have DC, my own hobbies and need to fit in seeing elderly parents) or my convenience. I'm happy to help a friend out, no problem. But not a friend who keeps asking and asking and who takes and takes. She has asked way too many times now and to be quite frank I no longer want to do anything for her, even if she popped over asking for a thimble of milk I would get peed as it's just yet another thing to add to the already very long list. But @Utilityroomenvy if you wanted a thimble of milk then I would give you the whole carton, as you haven't taken from me so much and you haven't taken the piss and you haven't just come to continuously rely on me for anything and everything.

OP what seems extreme is that you find yourself unable to say no and as a result are close to a breakdown. It’s ok to say no. You don’t even need to give a reason (as people like your “friend” will always find a workaround to your reason that results in them getting what they want).

I’m sorry you feel I am having a pop at you, not the case at all so if that is how I have come across then please accept my apologies. It came from a place of genuine concern!

KettrickenSmiled · 19/05/2022 10:35

Every time I give an excuse for saying no, she then comes up with a million ways to make it work so I can do the favour.

NO MORE EXCUSES.
This is why - outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

btw you might want to have a noodle round the whole Out Of The Fog site OP - you will very quickly recognise the dynamic you have been trapped in.
outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

ivykaty44 · 19/05/2022 10:38

ghost her

if she says do this - say yes and then forget, forget, sorry I forgot, is a great excuse. I keep forgetting stuff. don't be in for there delivery, gosh I forgot

whatever she says - I forgot and carry on.

what can she do if you forget? get angry, get sad, just say go gosh I forgot

Calmmedownn · 19/05/2022 10:38

Don’t stay in for the delivery. Tell her you told her you didn’t know what you was doing as it was your day off. Better still just ignore the door when its knocking.

spiderlight · 19/05/2022 10:40

I saw this on FB a few months back and have held tight to it ever since. I'm a people-pleaser by nature and it's worn me down at times, but you can't pour from an empty cup.

I'm on the verge of a breakdown over friend

Newestname002 · 19/05/2022 10:42

@Changeymcchangeychange

She is my only friend.

This is not how a friends treats you. She is using you and you are encouraging her to do so as you won't properly say NO! She's already shown you she's not your friend as she won't reciprocate the favours you do her.

If you want this poor behaviour to stop you need say "no - I don't want to". No excuses because, as you've found out, she'll continue pushing you until you do what she wants.

She may end your "friendship" but, honestly, OP, you'd be better off without this taker in your life. Make room for other people who'll pay you a bit of the respect you deserve. 🌹

Shgytfgtf111 · 19/05/2022 10:43

I agree with the PP. If she was to message for example to say 'Im getting a delivery to yours on Monday just so you know' I would reply and say 'No I might not be in and am not sure when I will be around for the rest of the week either.'

When she replies with some shit literally just reply 'no, sorry'

You said you have no other friends, I would genuinely rather have no friends than someone that treats you with so little respect. Her life is no more important than yours. When you are WFH, you are working not waiting on the postie for her.

saraclara · 19/05/2022 10:44

I'm so sorry that our responses are distressing you. You are not weak. Give just got into a patent that you're funding hard to break. The person who equated this to a partner who uses coercive control, is in the button. It's incredibly hard to end relationships like that. You are in a state of fight or flight all the time, but the fear is stronger than the need to escape.

You can do this though. You really can. Something as simple as " Sorry, I'm out that day" or "Sorry, I can't" is the first step. It seems terrifying to you because you've been caught in this trap for so long. But you have a world of other people, fiance, kids, elderly parents, who take enough of your time and who are more deserving than this person who gives you nothing but stress.

Really, you can do this, and you'll feel better for it.

Fromwaleswithlurv · 19/05/2022 10:47

Hello Changey,

Look, ignore the responses that say ' just say no' ..obviously if it was that simple for you, you would do it. People are posting these responses because they are angry on your behalf , and frustrated that you can't say no - as you must be!

There have been loads of responses with links to resources and books that will help you get to a place mentally where you have the confidence to put an end to this awful relationship you are in with this person.

There are two solid truths here though :

This person is not a friend, she is a manipulative user .
The first time you say no , and stick to it , this person will disappear from life and it will be all the better for it.

There may be an argument, but hopefully you can stick to your guns.

Good luck for the future, and crack on with following the excellent practical advice in this thread.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 19/05/2022 10:47

Changeymcchangeychange · 19/05/2022 10:25

@Utilityroomenvy I'm interested to know why my reaction seems extreme and what part of my reaction is extreme ? (the not wanting to do it or the feelings of anger & frustration or both). There have been SO many different types of favours over the years. I counted 25 different types, which she has asked me to do numerous times for each one. These have all impacted my time (I work FT, run a house, have DC, my own hobbies and need to fit in seeing elderly parents) or my convenience. I'm happy to help a friend out, no problem. But not a friend who keeps asking and asking and who takes and takes. She has asked way too many times now and to be quite frank I no longer want to do anything for her, even if she popped over asking for a thimble of milk I would get peed as it's just yet another thing to add to the already very long list. But @Utilityroomenvy if you wanted a thimble of milk then I would give you the whole carton, as you haven't taken from me so much and you haven't taken the piss and you haven't just come to continuously rely on me for anything and everything.

It's extreme because most people would've nipped it in the bud way before this point. You sound frightened of what her reaction might be,that's extreme as you are an adult with your own family.

Newestname002 · 19/05/2022 10:48

Posting from @KettrickenSmiled says it so much better than I did @Changeymcchangeychange. Hope you find the strength to protect yourself from your "friend". 🌹

HappySonHappyMum · 19/05/2022 10:51

I'm wondering if you could forward her last message to your partner and ask him to reply for you. The he can tell her that you won't be available for favours for the foreseeable future. You won't feel so bad and hopefully because he hates her she won't bother again. You have to break this cycle - I wish you luck and peace

RatherBeRiding · 19/05/2022 10:51

As lots of others have said, you need to get out of the mindset that she is your friend. She isn't. She has no regard for your feelings, doesn't return favours, and is shameless in how she uses you. This is NOT friendship and despite wanting someone you can call a friend - which is understandable - just imagine your life without her. Would you miss her? Is there anything she brings to your life that you'd find it hard to do without? Be honest!

It would be very hard to start saying No know when you have both become entrenched in this master/slave dynamic but could you start off with baby steps. The old classic - No that doesn't work for me - is somewhere to start. Don't make excuses because she breaks you down finding a way it WILL work so don't say I can't because........ Just say No that won't be possible. And repeat and repeat and repeat. It's not convenient for me is another good one - put the emphasis on how it's a damn nuisance for YOU and just keep repeating without being drawn into WHY it's not convenient or possible. "Well it just isn't. Sorry. I'm sure you can sort something out yourself."

Try it!

GeorgesMarvelousCalpol · 19/05/2022 10:53

@Changeymcchangeychange hand your phone to your DH. Let him respond to all her demands. You sound so miserable, but don't have the strength to change. You need someone to step in for you.
I'm actually so frustrated by your so-called "friend", but I'm equally frustrated by you. I know you say you can't say no, but this is ridiculous. That's why I'm suggesting that your DH take over your phone. Even for a week, break the cycle.
Tell him to only let you see messages from family & friends that don't treat you like shit.

Thelnebriati · 19/05/2022 10:56

Please read A Woman In Your Own Right by Anne Dickson, she explains assertiveness and will help you learn to say a straight 'no'.

You don't need to explain yourself. You don't need to give excuses. 'No' is a complete answer and it is not rude.
You do need healthy boundaries, and to take responsibility for your own welfare.

Batinahat · 19/05/2022 10:56

If you are on Instagram, I really recommend the people pleasing therapist, Elsie Owens, on there. Have a look at her posts and videos, she does really good stuff about boundaries for people pleasers x

Ciko · 19/05/2022 10:59

Next time she asks for a favour say “No, I can’t”. Don’t say “No, I can’t, sorry”. The word sorry will allow this cf to push.
If she says “Why not?” You say “I’ve got too much on”. If she presses say “My mental load is at full capacity, thank you for being understanding”.
If she wants you to offload your problems to her so she can then wriggle her way back into favourland say “I’d prefer to not discuss it but thank you”.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 19/05/2022 11:00

CoraPirbright · 18/05/2022 23:35

Lindy2 has a good suggestion - if you cannot say it in person, a typed message would be much easier. You can word it just so and not trip over yourself in the way you do when speaking in person.

Plus you should work on some excuses to have ready “no, I can’t do that - I have a doctors appointment”, “no, I can’t do that - I cannot get the time off work” etc etc. It might make it easier.

Btw, she is no friend. She is a horrid user……

Inventing things like a doctor's appointment is not a good idea. It will lead to more lies. "What did they say?",etc. Much better to say "I fancy some time to myself", or, as a pp suggested, make some plans, so you can say, in truth. "Sorry, I'm seeing another friend tomorrow" or even just " I need some time to myself." That's what I'd say.

Itswhysofew · 19/05/2022 11:07

(Have name changed). Let her know that you can't/won't do this anymore. I had close people expecting me to frequently help them, and I happily did it. One day, I thought, I can't do it anymore, especially as they have plenty of family who could be doing for them what I was doing. So, when they asked me again to do something that I genuinely couldn't manage, (drive a long distance), I told them no, face to face, and they accepted it. Saying no does not come easily to me, and I felt uncomfortable refusing, but I kept reminding myself that they were taking advantage. Since then, they rarely ask for my help.

Hadjab · 19/05/2022 11:09

Changeymcchangeychange · 19/05/2022 10:25

@Utilityroomenvy I'm interested to know why my reaction seems extreme and what part of my reaction is extreme ? (the not wanting to do it or the feelings of anger & frustration or both). There have been SO many different types of favours over the years. I counted 25 different types, which she has asked me to do numerous times for each one. These have all impacted my time (I work FT, run a house, have DC, my own hobbies and need to fit in seeing elderly parents) or my convenience. I'm happy to help a friend out, no problem. But not a friend who keeps asking and asking and who takes and takes. She has asked way too many times now and to be quite frank I no longer want to do anything for her, even if she popped over asking for a thimble of milk I would get peed as it's just yet another thing to add to the already very long list. But @Utilityroomenvy if you wanted a thimble of milk then I would give you the whole carton, as you haven't taken from me so much and you haven't taken the piss and you haven't just come to continuously rely on me for anything and everything.

Copy this word for word and send it to her.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/05/2022 11:10

Agree with PP saying never use the word "sorry" when dealing with a CF.

By the time the CF'ery has reached this level, the best phrase to use is "no thank you, because I don't want to."
There's not much even a CF can use to push back on that one. Even if they do - (but whhhhhhhy dont you want to heeeelp meeee)

"As I just said - I don't want to. Bye!"

SeedyBloomer · 19/05/2022 11:10

You can start by dealing with one ‘favour’ at a time. You have told her this delivery doesn’t work for you and she has decided that she doesn’t care. Do NOT answer the door to the delivery person. Go out, stay in, up to you. But do not answer the door for the delivery.

It sounds like you could do with some therapy for self esteem and your fears about saying no to people. Friendships are about happily agreeing to do each other favours and being perfectly able to say ‘sorry - I can’t help with that one’ without it changing the friendship. You are extremely anxious about letting down a friend who doesn’t think twice about ruining your plans or holidays, and doesn’t ask for favours but tells you that you’ll be doing them. It’s toxic. You know it’s toxic because it’s making you unwell.

One step at a time, starting with the next favour. Do not answer the door. It was her choice to book a delivery for 1) a place where she doesn’t live; 2) a day that doesn’t suit you.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 19/05/2022 11:10

I've just read your update about the thimble of milk. I wonder if you could put in writing how angry you are about the years of favours and how drained you are and how it must stop? And then send it to her? She would be out of your life. You would likely feel guilty, but shouldn't - you know that, I'm sure.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 19/05/2022 11:14

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 19/05/2022 11:10

I've just read your update about the thimble of milk. I wonder if you could put in writing how angry you are about the years of favours and how drained you are and how it must stop? And then send it to her? She would be out of your life. You would likely feel guilty, but shouldn't - you know that, I'm sure.

I'd strongly recommend you NOT doing this, a reasonable person would read it and apologies, she is likely to be very defensive and possible make things very difficult. Juts disengage and step away.