I'm on the verge of a breakdown over friend

[Changeymcchangeychange]

NC

Close friends for a very long time. Over the years she has asked many favours of me but its now getting too much. She knows I can't/won't say no to her. I'm a people pleaser, but don't want to be. I just don't have the balls to say no.
I can't list the favours as it's too outting. Shes pushing me to a breakdown. The latest favour requests from her are taking me over the edge and forced me to cancel my day off work. I had nothing planned but that's not the point.
I don't know how I manage this situation.

Say no to a small thing and use that victory to build up to saying no to the things you don't want to do. Or use her trick and start saying she owes you. Start cashing in on those - "you owe me lunch for derailing my day off" etc. You can do it. Smal steps.

**so many typos 🤣

How come you're ok with upsetting your fiancé and potentially wrecking your relationship with him but you can't stand up to her?

You do know that a real friend wouldn't do this to you? She doesn't see you as a friend. You're just convenient and malleable. I'm not saying that to be hurtful, but there is absolutely no way that she doesn't realise she is being unreasonable.

Start today. To hell with the delivery. Go out, or if you are in reject the delivery (or don't answer the door if you don't think you can say you're not taking it). Then tonight message her and say you were out and she will need to arrange delivery to hers.

Posted too soon.
This is the thing about 'people pleasers' and people who 'cant say no'. They generally have no problem saying no and displeasing the people in their lives who actually love them and making those people desperately unhappy just so they don't upset someone who is using them and treating them like shit?

Why is that?

fucking hell OP how did you end up in this abusive shit hole of a ‘friend’ ship!!! WALK AWAY damn!!!!! Ignore her just ignore her! Block block block!!

You need to break up with her, like you would do with a boyfriend where the romance has run it’s course

And for the delivery, just message her to say you won’t be in and to reschedule or cancel

The bit about you having her diary is where it went to a whole new level of weird.

So the good things are:

• You know she's a CF


• You know you are a people pleaser and find this difficult


• You realise you could have a better, more varied friendship group


• You know you have to make the change or else she will continue to take the piss.

You need to get to place where the uncomfortable becomes normal.
The first time you say 'No' to her will be very hard. She will also try to pull some BS on you to make you feel bad. Stay firm. Just say 'No, I cannot do that' - you do not have to justify anything - rinse & repeat

I really don't understand people like this.

Why would you allow yourself to be abused?

Do you seek self-destruction of your own sanity and the destruction of your family?

Why would you deliberately self-sabotage like this? Do you just want to be unhappy? Is that all you think you deserve? Because at the end of the day, all of this is a choice. Your choice. And yet you keep choosing the bad option.

Why?

Time to get a grip and grow up.

You need to work on your self-esteem and work out why you've allowed someone to screw you over for so long.

You are worthy of goodness, kindness, love and everything that is right in life.

Who taught you to value you yourself so appallingly?

Start there and work on it. You deserve so much more but only you can give it to yourself, no one else.

She has your diary!?!

Send this message-

WE ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS. YOU CANNOT ASK AND MORE OF ME. DO NOT CONTACT ME.

then block and get some serious counselling because this is all sorts of toxic abuse.

Oh Op. I hope you find the strength to dump this parasite; your life will be so much better and your relationship with your fiancé will improve immeasurably. Focus on him and don’t allow your relationship to be destroyed by someone who doesn’t care about you, nor how much they drain you. I hope you find the strength to do it.

Take 5 minutes, a deep breath and then stop this. BLOCK HER on everything,get your fiancé to help if you feel upset, but just do it. I find if something is difficult,schedule it in , so say 'at midday I'm dealing with this person once and for all' and just do it. Then move on with your life.

FWIW I had a breakthrough moment with a 'friend' last week and it's been BRILLIANT! I've decided to stop being the person she can offload all her negativity onto without feeling she has to show any interest in me. She's pushed me so far I just don't care any more; and I realise she needs me an awful lot more than I need her.

It is so liberating. And actually much easier than I thought!

I have had some guidance from a therapist (mostly what you've had from everyone on here - a bit of perspective, a bit of cheerleading, some practical suggestions).

So as the ultimate people pleaser who would rip out my fingernails rather than face up to any Unpleasantness I say to you GO FOR IT! It's FABULOUS over here on the other side.

For you OP

Just say no next time. Dont elaborate or she will grind you down. Feel free to use the word sorry in the beginning to make the no less harsh, ie sorry I cant do that. Keep repeating it.

She is not your only friend. She's not a friend and there aren't any others because she has taken up all your time and headspace so you cant meet any others. Cut her loose and use that freedom to find other, more compatible, kinder people.

You can do this. Really, you can.

Here's an easy way to get her to stop: just go out the day of the delivery.

She can't expect you to stay in all day waiting for it. Apparently she can't, but she shouldn't.

She's a terrible "friend". I had a friend who called me several times a day when I was WFH about 10 years ago for emotional assistance (she'd split from her bf) as she knew I was available. It took me years to get over how she ruined my summer. Sounds like your "friend" is ruining your summer, too.

Can you get your fiancé to send her a message?

Suggestions like this are ridiculous. OP is, at this point, unable to even say no to taking in a parcel. It's stupid to expect her to be able to throw a verbal nuclear bomb into the relationship

It's been a long ass road for me as a people pleaser, but I've got there. I only 'please' those who have and will do the same for me.

Friend: Can you do X
You: No that's not convenient for me
Friend: Why? If it's y I can do z, or if it's because you're at a, I can leave it at b.
You: It just doesn't work for me you'll have to find someone else to do it
Friend: You're making this difficult for me/not being a good friend.
You: I have helped you many times before. On this occasion I cannot help you. I wish you the best of luck in getting done though.

If she cuts you off I'd see that as a bonus - who needs a user in their life.

I have less friends now but so much better quality ones.

Do not engage further. Come up with some responses like. "That won't work for me", "Not available to help", "Have other plans" "Ask someone else" which you can send by text then refuse to discuss it no further. She will soon find someone else to leech off and manipulate if you distance yourself. The fact you are in tears and juggling diaries to accommodate means it has gone way too far.

Always more to these situations isn’t there.

You are being terrorised by this ‘friend’. You are letting it continue because you are frightened to do anything about it and you have low self esteem. You need a good psychotherapist or person centred counselling.

Oh and the first step is to get really angry. With yourself and her. I hope you are raging soon because just crying and being feeble is still lingering in the victim phase.

Stop being the victim. STOP BEING THE VICTIM. There's too much enablement and power in being a victim. Oh poor me, I can't do this, I can't do that. I'm so very sorry for existing, none of you understand blah blah blah. STOP. ALL. THAT. SHIT.

Grow a fucking pair.

It's easier than you think. For fuck's sake, just do it.

Sorry to derail the thread, but @LadyGardenersQuestionTime, can I ask how you went about it? I.e. did you tell her you were sick of her using you as a sounding board without so much as asking how you are, or are you just in the process of a quiet retreat?

If the delivery's for next week and she's sort of sidestepped the fact you can't do it by simply ignoring it, how about dropping your plans for the day of the delivery casually into conversation? She will then say, But you're supposed to be taking in a parcel for me that day, and you can reply, Don't you remember my saying that I can't do it because it's my day off?? And take it from there. Like I said upthread, baby steps.

Ask your h to reply to her latest message if you really can;'t even type 'no'.

But for goodness sake, you really need to stand up for yourself. Why have you let things get so bad?

I'd also cut off all personal contact in real life, as much as possible, zero it down to nothing. Seriously. What the hell are you doing having this person suck the life out of you so much. She's evil!! A blood sucker. One of life's takers. Avoid avoid avoid.