To insist my daughter goes to uni?

[Stropalotopus83]

I'll try to keep this brief!! DD (18) was supposed to go to uni last September. She had applied to various unis and had offers from most but had her heart set on Edinburgh. At the last minute she panicked and set Warwick as her safety as it had a lower grade threshold despite it not being in her top three choices. Sadly she didn't get into Edinburgh and then couldn't get into any of her other choices through clearing due to oversubscription on her course (biochemistry) despite having the grades (A*, A A). We went to visit Warwick but she ultimately decided to take a year off, get a job, earn some money and save and try again this year.

We visited Leeds and Manchester and she loved both, we didn't visit Edinburgh as so far away. She received unconditional offers from Leeds and Manchester. Again, despite meeting the grade threshold she didn't get into Edinburgh which is sad but not really the end of the world (at least I don't think it is). So she needed to decide between Leeds and Manchester.

Last night she casually mentioned she doesn't think she is going to go at all. I was dumbfounded as she has always been set on uni and has known she wanted to do science in some form since yr8. Initially she was considering medicine but for the last few years has been set on biochemistry.

Anyway. I asked her what she was going to do if she didn't go, she said she has a job. She does have a job she's working full time as a receptionist at a hotel at the moment. I said that job wasn't enough for her to afford to get her own place and keep a roof over her head etc. she laughed and said well you aren't going to throw me out, I'll just keep living here.

I'm worried she is going to massively regret this.

She currently pays £100 rent per month but earns around £1300. I deliberately only asked her to pay a token rent on the basis that she was saving as much as possible for uni.

So do I know sit her down and say ok - you don't have to go to uni but if you intend to stay here you need to pay a realistic rent being a quarter of all bills and shopping (4 people in household). This would dramatically increase her rent but might make her realise that just because life is great now (that she works and has a large disposable income and I do all washing etc for her) it won't stay that way?

I don't know what to do. I didn't go to uni and I have always regretted it. I am now doing a degree through the open uni alongside working full time but still wish I had gone when I had the chance. I don't know therefore if my own feelings about missing out etc are in play here and I'm perhaps not being as objective as I should be.

Any advice?

Thanks

Mumsnet is so weird. My DD earns about £1,400 a month and pays us £200. And yet when I’ve mentioned this on other threads I’ve been slated for “taking my daughters earnings” to live in her own home! Granted not everyone thinks that.. but it always gives me a tiny bit of guilt (even tho she has loads of disposable income, especially compared to me who has none! DH has a small amount).

I really do believe that adult children who are earning a full time wage really REALLY should contribute to the household and that parents who don’t require this are doing them no favours.. I have still often felt a bit guilty thanks to the Mumsnet collective. Not least because DD has at times, reminded me that some fiends, well at least one, earn, live at home and contribute nothing.

Any yet here, everyone agrees that the OP’s DD needs to pay a fair amount and that given the circumstances moving forward, £100 per month is not it!

Quite refreshing really. Although perhaps oddly, the parents of the adult freeloaders are just not posting on this thread 🤔

@Stropalotopus83 - you sound like an amazing supportive mum. My mum essentially forced me to go to university at 18 and I wasn't ready at all. I dropped out after two terms and then she forced me to go back and do a different course where I was utterly miserable for the whole 3 years. It's only by luck I fell into my current career of IT and another 5 years before my career got going.

She has lots of time and the maturity and skills gained from working will stand her in good stead.

Maybe encourage her to get in touch with some women in STEM schemes or seek mentoring from someone in a similar role to what she wants to do. Apprenticeship and earn as you learn schemes would be useful too. My employer in IT has an earn as you learn scheme for undergrads where all tuition fees are paid and a salary on top.

Uni isnt everything, I have a degree (in science) and earn just above national minimum wage now, I was unable to stay in my career when I decided to start a family it was one or the other in my case. I chose a family life. My husband didnt go to uni but did an apprenticeship and earns a very good salary and is doing amazingly well and is able to support our household on his wage alone when I'm on mat leave (cant afford luxuries but bills are all paid). I have family members who work in factories and their wages are fantastic and they have bought their own homes, they did not go to university. Dont regret not going to university, life is so much more than education and careers.

Mumsnet is so weird. My DD earns about £1,400 a month and pays us £200. And yet when I’ve mentioned this on other threads I’ve been slated for “taking my daughters earnings” to live in her own home! Granted not everyone thinks that.. but it always gives me a tiny bit of guilt (even tho she has loads of disposable income, especially compared to me who has none! DH has a small amount).

Don't feel guilty, my parents asked for £150 of my £500 wages when I was 16. My mum was secretly squirrelling it away and gave it back when I was 18 and about to go travelling (for which I'm forever grateful) but I didn't feel hard done by at the time. My parents didn't have £500 of disposable income each so why should I?

I would be putting it to her that she is likely to regret losing this opportunity, and not many students in reality go back to uni in their twenties, some do, most don't

i was told this. So I went due to family pressure.

and guess what. I regret it. While I did enjoy biochem, and did well, it was the wrong degree for me, for the career path I wanted.

another couple of years in the real world to figure out what careers were out there would have made the difference.

a friends son refused uni at 18. Did well at work, but decided at 25 to go to law school and is now a barrister.

with all the fees now it’s sensible to wait and get it right.

I would OK, don't go to University.
But I only was charging you £100 a month for rent, because I thought you were serious about uni and the extra money will help.
But now you aren't going, you have to pay your way. Rent is x (spilt equal) food is x. Gas and electricity is x, council tax. Do you pay for her phone or does she pay it herself. If you pay, then add that. If you a TV package, split that bill also. Then tell her how much her part of the bills are. When she goes from 13,000 a month. To maybe £400 left. It might make her realise how expensive adult life is.
It's a harsh lesson, but she needs to pay her way. You have been patient for a year, so, she has had her year off.

Have to say we are in a similar situation. Dd (now 18). She applied for uni in 2020 but didn’t get in, her heart is set on Robert Gordon Aberdeen. She had to do a virtual interview on teams but felt she gave as much as she could but in the end it wasn’t to be. Although she has the grades we thought she might have just been too young and she agreed to go to college for a year to get more experience in her chosen area (she wants to be a paramedic). However the course that she did at college, access to nursing was nothing like what it was supposed to be and she ended up breaking down after being rejected by 3 university’s again. She is now taking time out until September and has applied to the nurse bank to get some more medical experience. We have never charged her a rent and don't intend to either. She does a lot for us as we are both nurses and have been working non stop, her older brother is autistic and disabled and she has made sure he is taken care off. At the minute we are supporting her as best we can. Maybe you should ask your daughter if she is ok? Maybe there is another reason she doesn’t want to go to uni.

its her choice, I left school at 16 and got a receptionist job with no qualifications or uni. By the age of 33, I was Communications Manager for a world leading university. You can make it without uni - it's not for everyone

I hope she does end up going as it sounds like she has just lost a bit of confidence. To have got such great grades in sciences and not go forward with something related seems a shame. Glad your chat went well. You should remind her also that Uni is fun and there is a lot more to it than just the course. I ran a popular society at Uni that I enjoyed even more than my course and I got good work experience doing that too. I also made friends for life. Fingers crossed.

She is an adult and I'm afraid it's not down to you to dictate your daughter's next steps in life. If you forced her to go to Uni what sort of effort do you think she'll put into it? It's an expensive mistake and one that she will be paying for, not you. You need to sit her down and point out the alternatives then stand back and let her make her own way in life, being ready to pick up the pieces if she needs it.

I agree with this. You can't force her to go to uni and although I would suggest you increase the amount she pays in housekeeping, I don't think paying 25% of all the bills is very fair. My DS is nearly 27 and still lives at home while he and his girlfriend are saving up to buy their own property. He doesn't eat here all the time as sometimes he stays at his girlfriend's home and often buys himself takeaways anyway, so I only ask for a nominal amount. Just enough to cover what he actually uses. He is WFH, so he gives me his tax relief for that every year.

Going to university is her choice but I think your approach is fair. If she wants to opt-out of education in favour of work then she should expect to financially contribute to the household

Do you realise how much debt she'll be taking on to go to uni?

She's an adult. My experience is that she may get more from uni by going later in life as a mature student. I didn't, I did the straight-from-sixth-form route, but the mature students on my course benefited a lot from the life experiences they'd had.

I'd make her go. X

How?

I wonder if the answer lies in the fact that she originally wanted to study medicine and switched to biochemistry? Usually, the requirements for that course are slightly lower and it may be that she made a compromise and even that didn't pay off because she didn't get accepted at Edinburgh. Whatever her reason, I think you need to let her know (and experience) the realities of life. For now, she may be happy to do a job with few prospects but for how long? Her results are actually excellent and when she realises that life could be far more interesting I expect she will go to university in her own good time. There is no point in persuading her to study a course she isn't committed to, in a city she isn't happy in. Take a deep breathe OP and let her find her way. But start asking for a realistic contribution to your household.

HRTFT so this has probably been mentioned - but the government student loan scheme is changing next year and will be massively worse for a lot of students, for the rest of their lives. (Ref Martin Lewis).

If it's just a question of maybe going next year instead - then that is a really bad idea. Anyone who can go this year, should!

If she doesn't want to go at all, that is a different matter. I chose not to and got my degree while working, much later (in my 30s) - the multi-national company had a lot of facilities and it cost me nothing. But I think I was lucky - it depends who she ends up working for, and things were very different 30 years ago!

If you're talking biochemistry and medicine etc I imagine she could get a really high flying job after she graduates (unlike me) so if it were my DC I would be really disappointed. But I'm not sure how you can square the circle for teenagers who suddenly have money in their pockets.......

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My son age 26 got great A level results, maths, further maths and economics AAA. He put LSE as his first choice (not our advice) and was so convinced he would get in he didn't really pay attention to anything else. He ended up going through clearing and getting a place at Newcastle to do Maths and Business studies. He hated it there. Accommodation 2 miles from campus, didn't really get on with room mates. He was a star at school, and in tiny classes as state school and not too many people studying further maths or economics at A level. When he got to uni he was in lecture halls with 450 other people, and he just didn't know how to deal with freshers week when he knew no body at all in Newcastle. He lasted 9 months decided it was a waste of time and money and came home.
Once the worst of the self pity, and anger at himself wore off he started to think about what he actually wanted to do. Applied for an apprenticeship at a really well regarded pensions/wealth management company. Not even an advance apprenticeship. But was accepted and earring 10K a year. Passed apprenticeship - he thrived there in a grown up and competitive environment. He decided at the end of the year to do a bit of research into what other jobs were available, and put a price on what he thought he was worth to his firm. He decided on 15,000 and was prepared to walk if they didn't take him on full time at that. They offered him 20. 6 years later he is still there. Loves it. Valued member of staff, they have looked after him, paid him a bonus when he passed his vocational exams. If he has listened to us he would have gone to his insurance uni, done a course he wasn't that bothered with and probably ended up in a job he didn't actually love. So trust her. Life is very long. Youth is very short. Let her take time to make her choice and help her when asked. By the way our oldest son has just told us at age 30 that he is going to apply to the RAF to train as an air traffic controller. After not going to uni, and spending 10 years in hospitality and as a barber. He went to the Defence 6th form college at 16 to do A levels then didn't want to go into services or to uni. Until now. They always surprise you.

I have one at home, also stays sometimes at his dad’s. Earning. But salary is low, compared with rental rates etc . Post grad. We don’t charge any rent. He’s desperate to set up independently . But can’t afford to.
I would be kind to your daughter and indulge her for another year. It’s hard for them out there. Uni is great. She needs to want it tho. So expensive.

It’s her choice. I went to uni. Wrong course, hated it. Left after 6 months. Went back 2 years later and loved it.
my eldest child also did the same ironically.
there is is never a wrong time to learn.
she will find her path. Ironically it’s easier to get in as a mature student (over 21 years of age) and the lower the criteria in some places

It would be totally unreasonable to insist she goes to uni but not unreasonable in any way to give her a reality check on the cost of living !

I don't understand the whole got to go to uni thing. Myself, left school at 16, 1 GCSE in art A, rest D's and E's, raved in Faliraki early 90's, now on 6 figures in IT. Oldest daughter 23, decent A levels, decided against uni and went into a specialist sales role, quarterly bonus, her Jan gross pay was £38,000 and April £26000, my youngest wanted midwifery at Bournemouth but didn't get in, she now doesn't know if she wants uni, I'm not that bothered because I know she'll make it no matter what. I think what i am saying is plenty of twats go to uni and end up with feck all, but if you teach your kids hard work and to be streetwise/common sense they can make it anywhere with or without qualifications

Oh yes have a watch of this from the richest person in the world www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/technology/2020/mar/10/elon-musk-college-for-fun-not-learning

Big mistake to go to university - or be cajoled into doing so - if you don't want to go. It's a miserable place to be if you don't want to be there.

A

Very silly thing to try and enforce. Going to University or not is TOTALLY up to her, it’s nothing to do with you. You are setting her up to fail if you try and force this. Anyway plenty of kids don’t go to uni until a bit later than straight after school and these kids have higher success rates than others as they’ve experienced life a bit more and that helps them firm their career and life goals.