To insist my daughter goes to uni?

[Stropalotopus83]

I'll try to keep this brief!! DD (18) was supposed to go to uni last September. She had applied to various unis and had offers from most but had her heart set on Edinburgh. At the last minute she panicked and set Warwick as her safety as it had a lower grade threshold despite it not being in her top three choices. Sadly she didn't get into Edinburgh and then couldn't get into any of her other choices through clearing due to oversubscription on her course (biochemistry) despite having the grades (A*, A A). We went to visit Warwick but she ultimately decided to take a year off, get a job, earn some money and save and try again this year.

We visited Leeds and Manchester and she loved both, we didn't visit Edinburgh as so far away. She received unconditional offers from Leeds and Manchester. Again, despite meeting the grade threshold she didn't get into Edinburgh which is sad but not really the end of the world (at least I don't think it is). So she needed to decide between Leeds and Manchester.

Last night she casually mentioned she doesn't think she is going to go at all. I was dumbfounded as she has always been set on uni and has known she wanted to do science in some form since yr8. Initially she was considering medicine but for the last few years has been set on biochemistry.

Anyway. I asked her what she was going to do if she didn't go, she said she has a job. She does have a job she's working full time as a receptionist at a hotel at the moment. I said that job wasn't enough for her to afford to get her own place and keep a roof over her head etc. she laughed and said well you aren't going to throw me out, I'll just keep living here.

I'm worried she is going to massively regret this.

She currently pays £100 rent per month but earns around £1300. I deliberately only asked her to pay a token rent on the basis that she was saving as much as possible for uni.

So do I know sit her down and say ok - you don't have to go to uni but if you intend to stay here you need to pay a realistic rent being a quarter of all bills and shopping (4 people in household). This would dramatically increase her rent but might make her realise that just because life is great now (that she works and has a large disposable income and I do all washing etc for her) it won't stay that way?

I don't know what to do. I didn't go to uni and I have always regretted it. I am now doing a degree through the open uni alongside working full time but still wish I had gone when I had the chance. I don't know therefore if my own feelings about missing out etc are in play here and I'm perhaps not being as objective as I should be.

Any advice?

Thanks

No I would never insist this. I have 2 adult DC and they are doing what they are choosing to do even if I don’t agree, it’s their life not mine.

@Stropalotopus83 Thank you for the update, it’s good to hear back that the MN Hive is helpful.

You are obviously a fab & savvy mum.

Thank you for posting your update-she obviously feels her mum is understanding and her ally during a time she’s feeling apprehensive about her future, like many youngsters. She sounds as if she’s very self aware and she’ll do very well. Best wishes!

sounds like you handled it really well 👏

This. There was a 12 year gap between my A levels and starting my degree course. It was fine. There’s no hurry, she’ll go when the time’s right for her. In the meantime, it sounds like a very productive discussion.

It's her choice and if you insist she goes she will either massively resent you or drop out anyway. I think increasing her bills is definitely not unreasonable though, she wants to join the real world then show her how expensive it is!

I can only say my DD went to manchester Met last year after missing Manchester by one grade. Irregardless of academic achievements ( and she is doing well) the maturity she has achieved amazes me, she has gone from someone who couldnt be bothered to make a decision, to organising a strong group of friends and sorting out a house for 6 girls for next year. I'm not saying go if it's not for you but aside from the academic benefits there is an awful lot to be gained

I wouldn't pressure her to go to University let her make her choice. There is so much pressure on children/young adults these days. Also university isn't the be all and end all of education. There are lots of other ways to get an education such as apprenticeships. Pretty sure if she still interested in biochemistry there would be an apprenticeship to degree level where you work and learn without the huge debt of Uni. We all want the best for our children but then being happy and being able to make choices is the important thing. I take a percentage of my sons wages and put half away for him ( he doesn't know about that lol)

She sounds like a bright girl, I would be massively disappointed with her settling for this and would quietly sit down and run through comparable careers to her reception job versus the kind of career she can look forward to as a post graduate. They are likely to be worlds away - what kind of houses/cars/holidays during a life time that she will be missing out on. Debate what kind of life she sees for herself.

I would encourage her to work as a receptionist in the holidays - I assume the income has made her feel free and able to enjoy the feeling of spending money and buying anything she likes. This is short lived, and amounts to very little once she moves out.

I would be making it clear although she is welcome at home, you expect her to save to buy a house or rent somewhere and start being an adult now. The idea she is going to live with you indefinitely and spend her money on nights out would be a swift one. Run through the real time costs of having her own apartment, and how much it costs to live today.

I would be putting it to her that she is likely to regret losing this opportunity, and not many students in reality go back to uni in their twenties, some do, most don't.

She is still really young, and some guidance is most definitely needed sometimes.

Explore with her why she has changed her mind if its because she enjoys the money, there are many many apprenticeships now in organisations where she can study and work. I am a director of HR and they didn't exist when I was young. I wish they had as it would have been a much better option for me, I hated uni. Or if she loves her job can she study part time and live with you? Best of both worlds. If she really doesn't want to study at all, that's a shame but not the end of the world. However you will definitely have to yo her rent and bills. Make sure she knows she has choices and it's entirely her choice. But all choices have consequences.

I went to uni as a mature student (also biochemistry) and I saw so many kids there just because their parents wanted them to go to uni. They weren’t interested in studying, a lot of them tossed off the work in favour of drinking or working for extra cash and it was a huge waste of money. She really needs to be committed to the degree and it doesn’t sound like she is or at least not yet. You might feel bad she’s missing out but you’ll feel worse when she’s thousands of pounds in debt and failed her degree.

I don't think uni is the right way to go anymore. Too much competition and too much debt. There are many apprenticeships now with good pay during training and you still get a degree out of it.

But her attitude towards staying at home and you'll keep paying for her is bad. If she isn't doing anything and is just working, she needs a reality check in the way of paying bills.

You definitely can’t force her and you know you can’t. She has to decide. She may well go in future but has to come to that realisation herself. I would put her rent up wef September if she decides to stay home. I was paying £100pm in 1994!!.

This. She needs to either go to uni or pay her fair share of the bills.

Sounds like you have had a very productive discussion. To get the excellent grades she has, your daughter likely has very high standards for and expectations of herself, which might somewhat explain her loss of confidence. FWIW my daughter is predicted 2 A*s and 2As and received all offers- except Edinburgh 😁. What matters is that she makes her choice from a place of confidence rather than fear and trusts her gut. Best of luck to her!

Your regrets aren't her problem. It's not your life.

She needs to be absolutely committed to her choice and maybe she’s having second thoughts about biochem etc. taking some time out in the ‘real’ world is a great idea and will give her more choices if she does decide to go - more saved up etc. she might want to think about degree apprenticeships. In the end it must be her decision and speaking as a parent with a child who has struggled to enjoy her 4 year science based degree, absolutely you do not want to be that parent who made her feel she had to go. I would step back. Sure charge her a fair rent but don’t make the rent a huge issue.

Maybe she will change her mind. She's probably got a taste of independence and freedom and is enjoying herself.
I'd up her rent to give her a taste of what adult life is really like and see how she gets on.
If you make a massive deal you will only turn her off the idea more. We have all been 18 and sensible life decisions are rarely at the forefront of our minds.

Great to read your update @Stropalotopus83. Your OP did read like she was having a wobble having not got into her chosen uni.

FWIW I took a gap year between school and uni and it was fine. I wanted Birmingham uni but they cancelled the course I was going for, and couldn't offer me an equivalent I liked the sound of so I postponed by a year. There was loads of us that had done that.

Once she leaves education and starts work she's an adult and needs to make her own way even if living with you. Not only does she need to pay her share of bills food, she should be doing her own washing, cleaning and if you all eat together cooking a couple of meals a week. You need to start preparing her properly for the real world whether she goes to Uni or not 💐

I would be absolutely gutted in your position as she is clearly bright and had a passion for science. I would be doing everything to encourage her. My boys are much younger and already talk about going to uni as they want good jobs! In my experience I was first in family to go to uni and wouldn’t have the job I have without it, also the experience, fun and friends I made easily outweighed student debt. I would make life as difficult at home to show her what life is like on minimum wage receptionist job!

Just because you regretted it you can't expect your daughter to go if she doesn't want to. What she said she wanted in Yr 8 was said by a child who was probably repeating your ambitions for her.
Yes she should be paying more rent, I'd usually say 20% of take home pay for a adult child at home. So in her case 260 if that's her take home pay plus she pays for things like her own toiletries etc.
If she really wants to go she will later in life. Her happiness is more important than having a degree. I do think many parents use their kids to brag to their friends. She's got a job and isn't sitting at home lazing around. There's plenty of people who have successful careers and don't have a career and equally there are people who degrees who never use them..
My neice has 2 degrees and doesn't even work. My nephew got a 1st in economics but has an admin level job in a finance company