Help! Living with in laws is making me ill

[Leanabelle]

Okay so I'm going to try and explain as much as I can without giving away outing details.

I'm looking for advice or tips on how to cope/navigate living with partners parents when there is conflict or disagreements in how life should be lived.

We can't move out as money is slim to none at the moment so please no drilling on moving out of course if we could at this point we are so desperate we would take a box flat just to escape.

Im finding it intolerable now. We have lived here for 2 years and it was never intentional but life has meant its been the only choice. The conflict between ways in how things are gone about or done here is causing tension between me and dp, putting a strain on all relations and making him stressed and me physically ill. Living here has caused my self esteem to crumble and feel the lowest I have felt about myself. Dps parents highlight my flaws in life and as a person and its dragging me down. They have told me that all of Dps family thinks I'm a mess and all over the place because I'm struggling with anxiety right now after giving birth and other traumas.

They slate my family because my parents weren't the best and use my upbringing to criticise me and how I am with dp in our relationship. This isn't on a daily basis but generally it happens when me and dp go through struggles or I go through bad day. Consequently its made me feel like I'm unstable and horrible and I can't shift this feeling.

Mil has constant expectations on everyone is and highly opinionated but because I live here with her she thinks it's appropriate to dictate how we live. If she has friends over I am expected to entertain and drop my whole day to be present all just to please her. There is no respect that I am an adult and an individual who has my own life. We are treated like children.

I'm not trying to be ungrateful because I am and I understand the living situation is hard on everyone but it's been particularly comprising for me. I've had to sacrifice and put up with alot and I do all this because I want to be with dp. I just want to know how to make life easier living here and living someone else's life whilst we try to get money to move out. I'm alone most of the time with the parents whilst dp is out working. I try to make myself busy as I can be but we inevitably cross paths Alot.

Gathering by your reply about him being crap with money prior to meeting you, I presume it’s debt. If it’s “proper debt” (ie not a loan shark, drug debt etc) then he needs to look into a DRO or IVA and just accept his credit score is gonna be shit for 6 years but won’t have the sky high payments he has now. If it is “proper debt” his credit score will already be shit anyway I imagine. that should free up enough income for you to move out.

I’d also look at benefits again and see if you’d be entitled to help with childcare if you went back to work - the threshold for help is a lot higher if it’s for childcare costs and would be even higher if you had rent to pay. Entitledto is a good one, put in a few different pay scenarios for if you were working and see what comes back.

failing both those options, I’d move out and either split up with him or stay together and live separately. If you don’t like your in laws, regardless of whether it’s justified or not, you don’t like them. It’s incredibly hard to live with people you don’t like and I’m not sure what you can do to make it better when you’re all on top of each other constantly.

What would you do if your in laws didn't exist? There are plenty of people who have to manage.

You need to ask your boyfriend to speak to his parents and tell them, in no uncertain terms, not to speak to you nastily. He needs to give examples of what they’ve said and why it’s unacceptable.

If he won’t, you know things will never change.

You should know exactly how much money he’s being paid and shouldn’t let him take full responsibility for it as he’s proven to be crap with money and totally irresponsible. Take control of the situation.

You mention not being entitled to any benefits but have you tried running different scenarios through the Turn2Us calculator? I played around a little (making some assumptions/estimates about areas, council tax etc) and if you were not living with his parents then your benefit entitlement changes dramatically as they take in to consideration your housing costs when you do not live with family.

It's possible you have more options than you realise.

benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. It will not be like this forever. Don't forget that.

I think you have to assume they are not going to change so you have to find ways to keep yourself sane during this time.

Are you able to get out much?

I have had some success with managing people like this by just responding to everything with a joke. It's difficult but can limit their enjoyment.

What would you do if your in laws didn't exist? There are plenty of people who have to manage.

Good point Hangry.

@Leanabelle You could try the council list but I suppose it'd be less likely as your husband has a full time job so they'll say you can handle it yourselves. Unless you bin this lame duck loser off.

So unhelpful ‘why would choose to have a baby’

OP it sound like you and your partner need to have a sit down and talk about taking a big step change as a family and move to somewhere affordable. If your husband is min wage you will fare much better in other regions. From where it sounds like you currently are i can't see you escaping from your situation. If your husband is working FT he is going to be too tired and too busy for the headspace this will need to think about. You need to step up and work out at positive options for your family to find a way out of this. You asked for suggestions I'd say make positive suggestions about where you could move to not moans.

But sadly, how true. OP and her partner need to learn an adult attitude to life.

What a frustrating thread. It’s like starting a thread saying “I keep hurting my head because I’m constantly banging it on a brick wall. Can you please tell me how to cure my headache but please don’t tell me to stop hitting it off the wall”.

OP, your boyfriend is the issue here. If it wasn’t for him, you’d have money, and you’d be living independently.

You can’t blame his parents for this situation. They actually sound amazing to house three additional people for two years. Many, many people would not do that.

You need to get a job working evenings and weekends. You won’t see your boyfriend as often, but you don’t have the luxury of being fussy. Working would also get you out of the house and away from his parents for a while too.

You need to plan to not to live next door in the most expensive borough in the country.

you need to look for jobs and accommodation in the least expensive boroughs in the country and re-locate. If you are in central London you need to move a long way north

If your OH is demonstrably poor at financial management, he needs to be totally transparent with you about his income and outgoings. You need to implement this straight away.

If he fails to do this, it's a huge red flag and potentially financial abuse.

You need to move out of London, somehwew cheap in the U.K. where you can afford to rent a house as a family of 3. Don’t tell PIL until you’ve left.

Or you go and present homeless at the council and he can visit you until he’s saved enough for a house for you all.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation and also sorry for some of the heartless replies here! If it was as easy as “bin him” “go work” and better still “why did you have a baby?” Then you wouldn’t be on mumsnet asking. Bless you asking for advice of how to make life easier and pile on the perfect lives.
I personally don’t have a lot of advice but I do know it will get better for you and try focus on that. In the meantime just get out, go walking with baby, try source free baby classes, try social media groups that are trustworthy that will connect you with other mothers with babies the same age. That might help you find something to concentrate on other than your living conditions. I wish you the best

What a frustrating thread. It’s like starting a thread saying “I keep hurting my head because I’m constantly banging it on a brick wall. Can you please tell me how to cure my headache but please don’t tell me to stop hitting it off the wall”.

Exactly!

I presume you’re saying that your DH had huge amounts of debt before he met you, but despite knowing this, you seemingly gave up your own job and house and moved in with his mum, gave him all your savings and then got pregnant despite having no job. Is that right?

The MIL may not be 'fed up' of the OP and her family living there.

I don't and will never live with my in-laws. However, they really want us to live with them. When DH and I were purchasing a bigger home, my in-laws suggested that we all just move in together. They also asked us to move on the same road as them (as much as I like them, we didn't though).

Buy a notebook and pen.
Make a list of everything you need to change.
Choose one each day. Think what you need to do to change that one thing

EG: Tell your MIL you're taking child out every afternoon and do it !

EG: Sit down with partner and go through all financial details. Don't take No for an answer! He hasn't kept his promises to you: either he's incompetent or he's lying. Time for you to see if you can do better. e.g. if it is debt you may be able to get the payments reduced. Also Citizens Advice Bureau can advise on benefits, and tell you how much money you'd have if you moved out tomorrow.

EG: Get your name onto Council Housing List. Richest borough may have a shorter list. And might prioritise you and child should that become your route.

Use your local library as a resource. They will have books about most things on your list, as well as classes on some things and info on classes for most others.

As you begin to retake control of your life you will probably feel better about your controlling PIL and weak partner. Plus you'll be getting closer to your goals.

Good Luck

If you are living with your DP's parents, surely you can't have all that much in living costs unless you are paying them rent. Where is all his money going? Surely it can't all be on repaying debts? Has he taken advice on his debt problem? There might be ways it could be rearranged so that the repayments are lower.

You really do need to get out of the house and get some kind of work for your own sanity. If you can't leave your dc with the PILs, then you will have to work when your DP is at home and can take over childcare. So either evenings or weekends. You need to do something positive.

You will be entitled to universal credit even if your partner earns more than £1600. They take lots of things into account including rent, childcare, being in a couple etc.

Find private rent accommodation and apply for universal credit.

If your dp earns 1600 a month you should be entitled to a small amount of uc right now. More if you have rent and/or childcare to pay. Honestly, try one of the calculators.

Forgive me op I have only read your posts. If you are living in the UK why on earth is it not legally possible to leave?

Is your dh contributing to his parents' expenses? How old are his oarents? How old are you and dp? Have you ever worked?

I don't think your dp has any intention of moving out because it suits him.

So op, you need to change your mindset and attitude, if you can.

Plenty of women are in your situation. The love they have for their husbands means they put his needs first and his parents a close second.

I think you are going to have to learn to accept your status quo and be thankful for what you have.

Personally I think unless you have a very strong faith and can cope with your set up, your mental health should be prioritised.

This is because if you lose it your dp and your dparents might think you are an unfit mother.

Do you think they and your do are in collusion to force you out and they keep the baby?

This is not an uncommon scenario unfortunately so please bear this in mind that it might be their plan.

Op you say you are “young but not teenagers”, are you not far off teens, early twenties oldest? I’m not sure why folks can’t see you’re very young, it’s incredibly obvious. Have neither of you had your own home before? When you say he was irresponsible with money before, this was when he was a teen?

there is nothing wrong with being very young, but I think it’s best to be honest about your ages, as people are assuming you’re both much older with a lot of life experience behind you,

Here is your answer:

• DP - why is he not making headway with his financial situation? Is it because your expenses exceed income? If so, you have 2 options (1) write a better budhet and scrap everything that's extra or (2) if you have previously done that, you need more income so dp gets a better paid job, he side hustles or you get a job when dp is available to do childcare
• you need a job - never mind financials, you need out this environment. Something that you dont need to think about but gives you some £s and space for your head to breath. Yes you are losing family time but is family time any good when you are in this toxic environment? If necessary put an end date on the job and view it as a means to an end
• you need to sit down with dp and tell him that broken promises dont work and you both need to do something to change that narrative, be it placing a deadline on when you move out, him dealing with his parents etc.
• play a game called what would it take? Put your end goal on paper then reverse engineer what you and he would need to do to get there then start doing it. Wont give an instant result but at least you are on the same pathway
• consider whether dp going bankruptcy is the way to go to clear your feet or use a debt management plan - while it wont work for everyone, it might give you a clear path from which to move
• each time his parents are horrible, call them out on it. Advise them being nasty doesn't help your health or the household environment and therefore if they are not offering constructive advice then they should shoosht.
• lastly if dp wont play ball on finances and/or parents, consider whether you should stick around. A child doesn't need to see their parent belittled. Being a single parent sucks but it sucks no less than being stuck in a relationship where you do all the work with no thanks Good luck!

So I’m making assumptions….your dp has got wildly into debt (gambling?) so now vast swathes of his income is taken in repayments leaving you as a family with not much….BUT, it seems, you don’t actually know where all the cash is going? If you’re a family you should be a team and his income and where it’s spent should be information available to you. If not, why not?….and if not you need to start planning your life beyond, alone. Sorry.