Help! Living with in laws is making me ill

[Leanabelle]

Okay so I'm going to try and explain as much as I can without giving away outing details.

I'm looking for advice or tips on how to cope/navigate living with partners parents when there is conflict or disagreements in how life should be lived.

We can't move out as money is slim to none at the moment so please no drilling on moving out of course if we could at this point we are so desperate we would take a box flat just to escape.

Im finding it intolerable now. We have lived here for 2 years and it was never intentional but life has meant its been the only choice. The conflict between ways in how things are gone about or done here is causing tension between me and dp, putting a strain on all relations and making him stressed and me physically ill. Living here has caused my self esteem to crumble and feel the lowest I have felt about myself. Dps parents highlight my flaws in life and as a person and its dragging me down. They have told me that all of Dps family thinks I'm a mess and all over the place because I'm struggling with anxiety right now after giving birth and other traumas.

They slate my family because my parents weren't the best and use my upbringing to criticise me and how I am with dp in our relationship. This isn't on a daily basis but generally it happens when me and dp go through struggles or I go through bad day. Consequently its made me feel like I'm unstable and horrible and I can't shift this feeling.

Mil has constant expectations on everyone is and highly opinionated but because I live here with her she thinks it's appropriate to dictate how we live. If she has friends over I am expected to entertain and drop my whole day to be present all just to please her. There is no respect that I am an adult and an individual who has my own life. We are treated like children.

I'm not trying to be ungrateful because I am and I understand the living situation is hard on everyone but it's been particularly comprising for me. I've had to sacrifice and put up with alot and I do all this because I want to be with dp. I just want to know how to make life easier living here and living someone else's life whilst we try to get money to move out. I'm alone most of the time with the parents whilst dp is out working. I try to make myself busy as I can be but we inevitably cross paths Alot.

OP, what would YOU like? Is it more important that your DP gets over whatever the hell his problem is, or getting some independence back for yourself, or just finding your own place to live?

Even if your MIL was the nicest woman on earth, it still wouldn't be ideal to be raising your child in her back bedroom, would it? Does your DP really seem to enjoy living like this as well?

Lots of questions. No need to answer here, but maybe, they will give you something to think about.

It sounds to me like it’s time to leave your DP. Surely you’d qualify for housing/benefits as a single parent? I wouldn’t be staying with someone who had pissed away all our money.

I would make myself scarce - go to the library, walk in the park or if you have friends locally visit them or pop out with them. Pack a lunchbox and flask. I appreciate your anxiety will fight you all the way, but staying at home with MIL is harming you - at least being in the library or sitting in a park will leave you with more peace.

I would also go to citizens advice to see what options you have - they may have ideas to help you move out, but social housing can be great or difficult too - great if you land in a good neighbourhood, difficult if you don't.

Good luck, your MIL sounds like a nightmare.

It's really frustrating reading all these replies but not being able to directly answer and make sense of my situation. If I could you would all understand better.

I'm afraid if I do though it will be too outing as a pps said this is an "abnormal situation" and if any of dps family are on here and find out it will create hell on earth for me.

To try and answer whilst being vague

We are young but not teenagers

I live in the most expensive Borough in the UK.

Dp was stupid with money prior to me even meeting him. He is now suffering the ramifications of this. Well we all are....

He is not being irresponsible now. However process is painfully slow

Dps wage literally meets the clasp for not being able to get benefits. Which is think is 1600 on the gov website

Dp does not make me feel this low. His parents and the way they treat me do. I have not even begun to mention half the things they have said or done to me on here.

I am getting counselling next week through mind matters

I will start looking for an evening job

And again for all those acting like in laws are so hard done by trust me, I bend my back to make sure they are happy. They love dc and want him here all the time. Mil has asked we remain neighbours. I brought up moving and the fact that it will need to be out of this ridiculously expensive area and she freaked and said we can't take dc away.

Oh and again in laws can't babysit as they have poor health and get easily fatigued

I had been goi g to suggest counselling - but for you as a couple.

Also to see your GP.

apropos of nothing, I had wondered if you were from a certain part of Asia as what you describe sounds depressingly familiar to what some of my (female) Asian friends have recounted

Literally know your pain. All you can do is accept that they are unreasonable. And just let it roll off your back. whatever annoying thing they say DON’T FIGHT IT. Just ask more questions about things they like to talk about.

If they like to feel important by making you feel like a bad parent, just ask them loads of questions about how they patented your DH. Every single time they make a dig about your parenting, just act really interested in how they navigated parenthood.

if they like to make you feel shit about your family, just say “yes it can be hard coming from a difficult family. How did you manage to stay so close with your kids?” Just turn the attention on them and stroke their ego. Give them the limelight and make them feel smart.

is it easy to do this?? No. Because YOUR ego doesn’t want to let them feel good. YOUR ego wants to scream and tell them they’re horrible people who think they’re wonderful but are actually cruel assholes. But you don’t NEED what your ego wants. You NEED what your soul wants. Some peace.

You are never ever ever ever going to change them. If they like to infantilise people, it’s because they need to feel big and important. So make them feel big and important every time they piss you off. It won’t stop them but it’ll diffuse the situation.

good luck moving out.

also for the record I’d probably just move out alone and let husband visit - no point wasting life making yourself sick with stress. You’re missing out on your baby. When you’re moved out and that cloud has lifted you’ll be able to just enjoy your child without your attention being stuck on negative PILs. Don’t let your attention be sucked away from what is good.

Me and dp didn't want for me to work weekends when he is free as that meant no family time. We hardly see each other as it is.

This is what lots and lots of families have to do.

I assume your DP is paying off debts and that’s why you still don’t have any money between you despite two years of living (presumably) rent free? If it’s taking longer than expected I would seriously be questioning what he’s doing with his money for starters.

I feel sorry for you OP as I've literally been going through something really similar myself, except I don't have children and I don't plan on having any until we get our own place.

People say 'if your DP cared about you he would prioritise you' it doesn't work like that. Some in laws know how to emotionally blackmail their sons and especially if they're elderly or unwell, they use that to blackmail their sons and keep their sons under their control. The sons feel in the middle as they're told 'you're choosing a girl you met x years ago, over your mother who birthed you and raised you'. I can understand it's really hard

Please don't take the other responses too hard. I think people on MN generally just act really entitled. Not everyone earns £7k a month. It's hard, especially with having a DC. Sometimes people need to understand that DP isn't siding with in laws on purpose, they've emotionally abused DP to believe they come first.

In regards to him being bad with his finances, everyone has a negative point. I'd say that's better than doing drugs or being involved in crime. Not ideal, but I believe in trying to stick it out through the difficult times (this is coming from someone who would constantly ask for a divorce when DP and her argued about in laws). We've now gained a better understanding and he's trying and I see it. It takes time.

PM if you feel like you need someone to talk to. X

So he has massive debts that he has no clue, about how long it would take to pay offZ

Paying off the debt should fast going. It’s been 2 years.

Unfortunately, many people have to work hours they don’t want to when they need to change their situation.

Stop making excuses for your DP. His wage should be supporting you and your child in your own home. Anything left over goes to gradually paying off his debts, or whatever the big secret is. I cannot believe you are allowing yourself and your child to be put through this. Ignore his parents - you do not have to stay with them or anywhere near them. The entire family has got you well and truly under their thumbs. You need to break away from all of them.

we would take a box flat just to escape.
There's your solution, check online daily for a box flat.

When you say 'borough', I assume London, especially with the bit about it being hugely expensive. Do you HAVE to live in that area?

Would your DP consider working with an organisation like StepChange or Christians Against Poverty, who might be able to help him re-work his debts, which might leave you with more disposable income, and let you start saving again?

I've read your previous posts and I'm just going to say it. Why did you choose to have a baby whilst living there? Your sole focus should have been on working and moving out. Living together only works if everyone is able to communicate and be able to say their peace and in your home it doesn't work. You should have also discussed this prior to marrying your oh. Move to your parents, move out and rent somewhere. There are options and not everything is as bad as it may feel. It's hard to live with someone who is unhappy, you almost feel like you are treading on eggshells. Having said that they shouldn't have said what wider family think of you and should be pulling them up on the way they behave or think about you.

If you want to make things bearable you sit as a family and communicate, air your grievances and let them air theirs. Stop seeing things from your viewpoint alone.

If the problem really is just previous debt than the two of you need to sit down together and go over the finances in detail. You should know exactly what is going on and he should be able to explain exactly how it is being paid off and when that will be done. Given your financial situation, the two of you need to be working the budget carefully every week.

How rude

Nasty

I’m not being funny but having read all your replies I feel like the issue is actually your partner he sounds immature irresponsible and selfish and you just make excuses for him because you love him, but if he gave two hoots about your mental health or you he would have you out of there by now or as a minimum told your to go to the accommodation you had the chance of without him and still supported you , just because you wouldn’t be living together doesn’t mean you aren’t a couple or family, it sounds like he’s living beyond his means and saving obviously isn’t a priority to him. I feel all your problems lie with him and if I was you I would go to the council alone homeless with your baby and move out without him. There’s nothing stopping him joining you further down the line when he has his shit together. You deffo have options but you just don’t like the options you have and you’d clearly be better off alone than without the 3 of them

A box flat in the most expensive borough (assuming it’s london) would be more than half her husbands monthly salary.

Your in laws attitude towards you is the least of your problems @Leanabelle

you’ve got a DP problem. If you stay with him you’ll never get out of this situation. You let all your money and savings to go down the drain for this man - you’ve got no security, he can kick you out anytime and you’ll never see any of it back plus you’ll end up homeless.

If your DPs debts were with legit lenders then there were other solutions that would not leave you with no money whatsoever.

you should focus on your family unit being you & your child, and take steps towards getting you two out of this situation.

I think it is essential that when you can move out you move far! But whatever you do, don't tell them this is the plan because they will make your life even more of a hell than it sounds like it is now.

Can I suggest you and your partner go through your finances weekly and ensure you are planning as well as possible? You need to be on top of this and know where every penny is going in order to get out of there as soon as possible.

You have such a lot going on dont you. You mention you have never felt so low and it sounds like you feel thoroughly defeated.
No one on here has the solution though OP, that lies within yourself.
It's great that you are thinking about an evening job, not just for the money but also to help with your self esteem. It will get you out, talking to others and showing you that you do have skills.
It's also great that you are starting counselling.
Your health visitor and GP should be able to point you in the direction of other resources and assess you properly for PND.
Try to focus on the little positives every day, carry on working towards the goal of your own place and try to do a couple of nice things for yourself every day, even if it's just going for a long walk with DS or ringing a friend.
Oh and mindfulness apps on your phone!
Good luck.

You really don’t need to stay near them, are they planning on paying your rent? Then you don’t need to stay with them. You need to have your own mind. Parents like this like to keep their children and their children in law exactly where they want them, and that’s exactly what they’re doing with you.

Save as a couple, and save silently for yourself

Good idea on the second part, but probably not the first when the DP's already blown OP's previous savings - what's to stop him doing exactly the same again?

@Leanabelle You would be eligible to be on the council list, as this counts as overcrowding. If yoou say that any of your's healths are effected by the current housing conditions, that will give you medical points, so extra priority. It is overcrowding if a family don't have their own place.

Of course you'd have to be a bit more flexible about where in the city/town you live.