Help! Living with in laws is making me ill

[Leanabelle]

Okay so I'm going to try and explain as much as I can without giving away outing details.

I'm looking for advice or tips on how to cope/navigate living with partners parents when there is conflict or disagreements in how life should be lived.

We can't move out as money is slim to none at the moment so please no drilling on moving out of course if we could at this point we are so desperate we would take a box flat just to escape.

Im finding it intolerable now. We have lived here for 2 years and it was never intentional but life has meant its been the only choice. The conflict between ways in how things are gone about or done here is causing tension between me and dp, putting a strain on all relations and making him stressed and me physically ill. Living here has caused my self esteem to crumble and feel the lowest I have felt about myself. Dps parents highlight my flaws in life and as a person and its dragging me down. They have told me that all of Dps family thinks I'm a mess and all over the place because I'm struggling with anxiety right now after giving birth and other traumas.

They slate my family because my parents weren't the best and use my upbringing to criticise me and how I am with dp in our relationship. This isn't on a daily basis but generally it happens when me and dp go through struggles or I go through bad day. Consequently its made me feel like I'm unstable and horrible and I can't shift this feeling.

Mil has constant expectations on everyone is and highly opinionated but because I live here with her she thinks it's appropriate to dictate how we live. If she has friends over I am expected to entertain and drop my whole day to be present all just to please her. There is no respect that I am an adult and an individual who has my own life. We are treated like children.

I'm not trying to be ungrateful because I am and I understand the living situation is hard on everyone but it's been particularly comprising for me. I've had to sacrifice and put up with alot and I do all this because I want to be with dp. I just want to know how to make life easier living here and living someone else's life whilst we try to get money to move out. I'm alone most of the time with the parents whilst dp is out working. I try to make myself busy as I can be but we inevitably cross paths Alot.

Your partner doesn't support you emotionally or financially. He can't provide a home for his family because he's pissing it up the wall and all you're allowed is £80 a month.

Leave with the baby and declare yourself homeless. He'd have to pay maintenance then at least.

The answer is clearly they are teenagers and living with his parents,, below 18 living with parents, disqualifies him. And she doesn’t work and is also stilllegally a child

Where on earth did that come from?
Op didn't say his age disqualified him from claiming benefits but that he earns over the threshold, and I'd have thought that unlikely (though not impossible) for a teenager

That said, how she knows what he earns is anyone's guess since he doesn't appear to share any other info with her

Why havent you been able to save money in 2 years? Ae you working? Can you work?

@Leanabelle Not sure I understand what you mean when you say you had to spend your money whilst dh had to focus his money elsewhere. Doing what??
It's almost impossible to be living with the inlaws, your partner earning a wage and not having any money left over. There must be some detail that you aren't sharing? Previous posters have come up with some great action plans, you should listen to the good advice you have had on here. Presumably your GP knows what's going on and that's how you have qualified for free counselling? I hope things improve

Top scolding @Psychgrad - such a shame that the only "non Tory-like" advice that you have to offer OP is to get some counselling & hope like hell it helps her endure her unendurable situation.
Well done!

Lots of PP have responded to her vulnerability.
The've also responded to her unfortunate petulant & demanding attitude. Because we are only human, & OP is being annoyingly rude, & obtuse about concrete facts.

I feel for you, your partner should be supporting you, whether he feels like a go between or not
I'm glad you have counselling arranged
Could you make an appointment to see Health visitor?
I know you are looking for ideas of how to cope with your situation, but the situation must change for you to feel better.
Sit down with DP with full disclosure of finances
if he won't co operate, I think you need to move out with your DC, as soon as possible. He has done nothing in 2 years to be proactive and I wouldn't rely on his words anymore
CAB can advise you of necessary procedures and benefits and housing options
If you wish to stay with DP and his family, I'd look for an evening job where he can spend time with DS
Frankly, he's selfish and irresponsible especially as he wanted a child but hasn't made a life for him
I wish you luck

Advice: speak to your mother in law - mama, would you look after the baby if I go back to work? We can pay you more rent then, and start some savings of our own. I know it's a lot to ask but you are so good with baby...
Get a job. Get paid into your own bank. Don't give full details to dp or he'll pass them on to his parents. Save as a couple, and save silently for yourself. Having a plan will help you cope. Having savings will help you get away.

Perhaps if you tell us what borough you live in, someone can advise of local organisations that could help you.

What did your saved house deposit go on? You don’t have any outgoings!

What happened to the housing/job/life you had in March 2020? You were staying with your boyfriend occasionally then decided you had to live there permanently?! Why!??

You have to move out then rebuild your relationship with them.

Read your own post. The answer is obvious.

Is he paying rent? If not, where is the money going? Old debts? You’re not explaining how he hasn’t saved.

Totally agree with @kateandme's sensible advice @Leanabelle

I'd also rethink getting a job if you can I know that you'll literally be working for childcare costs but at least it gets you out the house and on the career ladder

Have you considered going to college or retrain into an industry you like?

Ultimately you have my sympathies as have been where you are and it's so so hard digging oneself out of such a hole

All the best lovely xx

This would be my advice too OP

The answer is clearly they are teenagers and living with his parents,, below 18 living with parents, disqualifies him. And she doesn’t work and is also stilllegally a child.
Unlikely, @Wisteriaroundthedoor

DP has been working for at least 2 years, & 2 years ago so was OP:
before my child there was much more freedom. I stayed here occasionally but had my own job/life and it wasn't so bad.

I absolutely agree with @PinkArt

My advice is to sit down with your partner and tally up all your incomings and outgoings. Only then will you know if you can save anything at the moment or if you have to look for an evening/weekend job. Honestly I would look for a job regardless as I think being out of the house and having some independence might help with your mental health.

If you're in the UK, then Shelter can also provide some information on council housing, if that's something you want to find out more about.

You need to move out. You can't live with your inlaws forever, so you need to make a plan (with your partner) to work towards that goal. If your partner can't work towards that goal, then you're going to need to seriously consider what's best for you.

This would be my advice too OP

Borrowing money from family is not an option for a lot of people. Not trying to be rude but if you don’t live with family only because you were able to borrow money from family your situation isn’t much different from the op. They helped you out with finances instead of space in their house.

OP, I think that truly that the most sensible advice I can give you is this: you need to get your head around the idea that you should leave your DP and have a different life.

Once you accept that, your future will look quite different. Your counselling will help with this.

Then you can start setting up advice appointments with (e.g.) CAB and your local housing options service.

Could be there is a previous wife/partner with children, and all dp's money is going to them...

@Leanabelle what does this man offer you that you cannot leave? Sweet words? Do his actions match his words?

If OP is saying d partner then I don’t think she is married, and no Asian woman would get pregnant before marriage.

There is some good advice on here about getting away from your financially abusive DP. But Op if you are crying every night and having panic attacks I think it would also be good for you to get in touch with your local mental health trust and get put on a waiting list for CBT therapy to learn to cope with your anxiety. It may also be useful to talk to your GP.

If you leave your DP and declare yourself homeless you can get on a waiting list for housing. It would be a hostel/hotel until then, but it would be yours and DCs.

I get the impression that you may know you have even less options if you stay with him in that house. It will not get better!!. Sorry to say it.

I do feel for you OP, good luck!

She says she's starting counselling next week, so must have been to the GP.