Am I overthinking this?

[runnerblade95]

DH is away with work at the moment so it’s just me and DD. She is 3. She wakes up ridiculously early every morning and usually I can keep up. Not sure what happened this morning but she woke up at 4:45 and I just couldn’t move.

I changed her from her pull up to her knickers, gave her her milk and sat her in the bed with her kindle. She knows not to leave the room at such an early hour and that mummy comes to get her at 6am.

So I made my coffee and got back into bed. Drank some and must have nodded off for no longer than 10, maybe 15 mins. In those 10-15 mins, DD has gone to the kitchen, climbed onto the kitchen counter to access the cupboard with the crisps and cookies in, taken some cookies, which is fine, I’m not upset about that.

What I am upset about is the fact that one of the neighbours started talking to DD (through open kitchen window which I had left open earlier when I made her milk) asking her for her cookie and that they wanted some. DD replies that it’s her cookie.

When she’s reciting this to me, I’ve asked her did this person ask where is your mummy? She said Yes and that she told them I was lying down. DD sometimes makes stuff up so it’s really difficult to know when she is fibbing and when she’s telling the truth.

This time I think she is telling the truth. If she is, I am fucking livid. She knows not to talk to strangers. We’ve done so many safety exercises together, she knows how and when to call 999, knows our door number and street name. Yet she goes and does the exact opposite of what I’ve taught her.

I feel stupid for nodding off also, I must have been knackered cos that never happens.

Should I be concerned about this neighbour? I think I know who it is based on DD’s description of them. Shall I go and talk to them?

Also, will neighbour call SS on me because DD was in kitchen at 5am unsupervised?

I feel like a complete idiot. Usually I’m on the ball but, I definitely dropped that ball this morning. I feel like a shit, arsehole of a mum.

Remind your daughter that she’s not to go downstairs without you. Teach her how to recognise that it is 6 am on the clock. Leave it at that. No harm done.

Don't be livid. Your house is her home and safe space. Just extend your teachings to open windows. Either get a little hook and eye for the downstairs doors so you can hear if she's in there or teach her not to go downstairs without you.

I highly doubt anyone will ring SS because a kid was up at the crack of dawn.

So your daughter wasn't talking to a stranger she was chatting to a neighbour? What's the problem?

The neighbour was probably concerned at the toddler alone in the kitchen, climbing up and accessing cupboards.

Did the neighbour have to come into your garden to access the kitchen window?

It's really silly to leave a window open and then go back to bed if it's easily accessible.

Don't be livid. She's three years old.

Personally I wouldn't want my DD3 roaming around the house unsupervised so we use a stairgate so she can't get down into kitchen etc. and only has access to the bedrooms and bathroom upstairs in the mornings. I think it's your responsibility to make it safe for her, not the responsibility of a three-year-old to not talk to strangers.

If I was the neighbour I’d be more worried that something had happened to you: Mummy lying down, toddler alone looking for food, is Mummy actually OK or has she had an accident? But this would be at 11am. Why is your neighbour creeping around your windows at 5am?

I would be more bothered about the fact that the neighbour didn't do anything. Your 3 year old was alone in the kitchen at 5am and told someone mummy was 'lying down' - in this scenario I would be knocking on your door and if I got no response I would have called the police as I would have assumed you were seriously unwell.

If she is, I am fucking livid. She knows not to talk to strangers. We’ve done so many safety exercises together, she knows how and when to call 999, knows our door number and street name. Yet she goes and does the exact opposite of what I’ve taught her.

Well she is only 3 so has a lot of emotional maturity to gain, I would expect most 3 year olds to 'know' some of this information but not always be able to apply it, as their brain has to match the situation to the information and that's hard when you are 3.

Give her a break, and yourself. Even if SS did get called they would understand completely what happened. A gate is what you need.

She’s three years old, way too young for you to be livid with her for anything. Sometimes she’s going to do what she’s told, sometimes she deliberately will not. And other times she won’t do what you are else her to do as she’s too little to remember and easily distracted. The stranger danger thing when she’s three years old in her own house is something I’d expect from a much older child and not one who’s really a baby.

Maybe the neighbour was concerned if she appeared to be alone and unsupervised, I would be.

Oh god I've so many questions here..... WTF re the neighbour talking through the window? I'm picturing a garden, etc so what, how, why?

Only you know your child’s abilities and what's safe for them. You've taught your child stranger danger for outside the home, not when someone comes into your space.

I think I'd definitely be speaking to the neighbour, if it was made up, great, if not they need to fuck off gawking through your window.

I think I'd definitely be speaking to the neighbour,

Do not do this - unless you want to destroy neighbourly relations and look insane, all at the same time.

Could you get a gro-clock and set it to change colour at your appropriate getting up time?
It will be a fun way for her to get into a morning routine and you can use it together and teach her to wait for the light to change and tell her that it's now ok to get up and start the day.

As for this morning, I'd be worried too.
I think I'd try and speak with the suspected neighbour and explain I was getting dressed upstairs when DD was in the kitchen.
The kindest and most sensible action would have been the neighbour knocking on your door to check you are ok but some people would definitely have called SS- I know my past neighbour would have.

Absolutely none of this is dd's fault. She's only 3.

When ds was 3 (he is 40 now) he came downstairs and dialed a number in the phone.
We didn't hear him get up. We only knew when he came and asked us
if we could speak to the lady on the phone.
DH went down and he had been talking to her for nearly 30 minutes she
had thought he was on his own.
Fortunately it was the next town over he rang and not Australia.
If I listed everything he got up to I'd be here all day.
Don't beat yourself up she couldn't get out. No harm done.
Please don't speak to the neighbour they won't phone SS.

A neighbour is not a stranger. This is why "stranger danger" is not generally taught any more. It's easy for an adult to become "friends" with a child. How many times do they need to meet before they're no longer a stranger?

Much better to teach them never to go anywhere, with anyone, without checking with you. Also she shouldn't be scared of the neighbours. It's fine and good for her to talk to them as long as she doesn't go off anywhere with them..

YABU to be "fucking living" at a 3 year old for talking to a neighbour through a window.

Firstly, you said that DD makes things up, so it’s possible none of this happened. I think it’s quite unlikely that your neighbour happened to be passing your open kitchen window at 5am and asked your daughter for a cookie to be honest.

If it did happen, your daughter spoke to someone through the window. She didn’t go with them, or tell them anything other than that you were in the house with her, which was the right thing for her to say.

Finally, I don’t think anyone’s going to call social services on you, but I can see why someone who could see a toddler climbing in a kitchen and looking for food at 5am would at least check the child was OK and hadn’t been left alone in the house.

Your dd won't think that a neighbour is a stranger. Definitely don't be mad at her - especially if you taught her stranger danger. The crime statistics suggest that people known to her are a bigger risk.

My kids used to sneak downstairs too. There was more than one occasion where they'd done stuff like cracked an egg on decided to eat butter etc. The window was probably the biggest mistake but after this scare you'll probably never take that risk again.

You sound tired. Make sure your house is secured and no one can get in or out. Your 3 year old was just being a 3 year old and at that age they can't be responsible for stranger danger stuff - that's your responsibility.

Op, kindly she's 3 years old and you are placing too much responsibility on her. I would be seriously concerned that she had a cookie, not because it's a cookie but because she could have choked climbing around and you wouldn't have known. I have also done the thing where I have nodded off but I have always ensured my ds couldn't leave the room or brought him in with me. I think you need a security gate in her room. She's 3 , you can't expect her not to wander around but it's your responsibility to make sure that she is safe.b

I’m not fucking livid at DD. I’m fucking livid at the neighbour!

But you said 'If she is, I am fucking livid. She knows not to talk to strangers. We’ve done so many safety exercises together, she knows how and when to call 999, knows our door number and street name. Yet she goes and does the exact opposite of what I’ve taught her.'

That's quite clear that you are annoyed at her!

But yes just for a bit more context, the kitchen window faces out to our garden but there’s a massive gap in the fence at the moment from when we had that storm a couple of months ago. So again, my fault, should’ve had it fixed ages ago. So that’s how the neighbour could see DD.

As for a baby gate, had one when she was younger, it’s in the shed so I’ll get that back out. It’s my fault for placing so much responsibility on a 3 year old, as many pp’s have said.

I feel like an idiot and also sat here overthinking “well what if it was a burglar who had gained access to our garden and not a neighbour?”.

I’m really annoyed at myself and I know my anxiety is going to continue rolling this scenario round and round in my head.

That is not what you’ve described in your opening post.

Shes 3! YABU

I can't see any problem here at all other than having a neighbour in such close proximity!

I’d be concerned about a lot of it tbh. Open window, child climbing counters etc, child eating whilst you’re asleep.
There are so many worst case scenarios that could have happened.
That is a really early start and I think you need to keep her with you. Open windows downstairs whilst you sleep seems like madness tbh.
I’d praise her for telling you. If it’s her imagination running away with her, no harm done.
Tiredness is an absolute fucker. Could you have a gro clock to know when it’s ok for her to be up. Some toys or books or something close to her bed?