Am I overthinking this?

[runnerblade95]

DH is away with work at the moment so it’s just me and DD. She is 3. She wakes up ridiculously early every morning and usually I can keep up. Not sure what happened this morning but she woke up at 4:45 and I just couldn’t move.

I changed her from her pull up to her knickers, gave her her milk and sat her in the bed with her kindle. She knows not to leave the room at such an early hour and that mummy comes to get her at 6am.

So I made my coffee and got back into bed. Drank some and must have nodded off for no longer than 10, maybe 15 mins. In those 10-15 mins, DD has gone to the kitchen, climbed onto the kitchen counter to access the cupboard with the crisps and cookies in, taken some cookies, which is fine, I’m not upset about that.

What I am upset about is the fact that one of the neighbours started talking to DD (through open kitchen window which I had left open earlier when I made her milk) asking her for her cookie and that they wanted some. DD replies that it’s her cookie.

When she’s reciting this to me, I’ve asked her did this person ask where is your mummy? She said Yes and that she told them I was lying down. DD sometimes makes stuff up so it’s really difficult to know when she is fibbing and when she’s telling the truth.

This time I think she is telling the truth. If she is, I am fucking livid. She knows not to talk to strangers. We’ve done so many safety exercises together, she knows how and when to call 999, knows our door number and street name. Yet she goes and does the exact opposite of what I’ve taught her.

I feel stupid for nodding off also, I must have been knackered cos that never happens.

Should I be concerned about this neighbour? I think I know who it is based on DD’s description of them. Shall I go and talk to them?

Also, will neighbour call SS on me because DD was in kitchen at 5am unsupervised?

I feel like a complete idiot. Usually I’m on the ball but, I definitely dropped that ball this morning. I feel like a shit, arsehole of a mum.

To those saying that the neighbour was likely just being kind when conversing about the cookie, thanks, because you’re all probably right. I’m definitely overthinking this. It’s my nature, I can’t help it. Even when DD had a temperature last week, I came on here, worried out of my mind that I should take her to A&E. Next morning, she was absolutely fine. So this is definitely something I need to work on.

You are giving too much of a hard time. Lesson learnt. Personally, I would have been more worried that she'd decided to cut her cookie and get the knives out.

Your neighbour did nothing wrong at all. She tchated to gain her trust and then asked questions to established she was safe and nothing bad had happened to you. That's very reasonable.

She's your neighbour, not a random stranger. There are no reasons to be cross at her.

I think (hope) you'll feel differently when you've calmed down a bit.

if I were your neighbour and saw your DD climbing on the counter at that hour, I'd go and see if she was ok too.

DD's recount if the conversation is unlikely to be completely accurate, neighbour might have asked if mummy was ok & DD might have said yes, she made me milk, now she's lying down (or something) The neighbour probably didn't feel worried you were unwell (or worse).

The neighbour was probably just teasing DD about eating her cookie.

Depending on the neighbour I'd probably just knock & say Hi, DD mentioned seeing you this morning. Are you ok? That's really early to be out & about! What are kids like though, in the 2 minutes it took me to get dressed she ransacked the kitchen for cookies!! Thanks for checking on her, but other than too much sugar she's fine! Little madam 😂

@vivainsomnia you’re right. I realise now based on the replies why the neighbour was talking to DD like that. There was nothing sinister going on, she was trying to gain DD’s trust to ensure she was being safe since she couldn’t see me standing next to her. I have really bad anxiety, always have done, but it’s gotten much worse since I had DD. I second guess everything, constantly worrying about pretty much everything, and I’m sure DD can pick up on this. So ultimately, I’m sat here now feeling shit… for feeling shit, if that makes sense.

Unlikely there was any sinister reason for neighbour to speak to child. I suspect they were concerned when they saw child climbing and awake early. When child confirmed you were home and seemed well they were probably happy enough to leave her. I might have kept an eye to make sure they didn't touch cooker and stopped climbing then left it.

Also don't be hard on yourself it was very early and you presumed child would stay in bed. Now you know stairgate and window closed seems like sensible precautions.

I’m also unsure about this. I don’t think the neighbour did anything wrong and you certainly can’t proclaim them to be creepy based on a three year olds recital of a conversation. They were concerned and talking to your child. Maybe you’re just embarrassed about it, that the neighbour knows.

She was hungry and had to go and to get herself something to eat. You should have brought her into bed with you when she woke up. I don’t quite understand why you put her back in her room. If she was in your bed there is a much higher chance she’d have woken you.

..

I think you need to move past this and get on with your day tbh. You can learn from it and either get up with her or ensure there is a gate and don't leave any open windows. That's it though, it's done and you move on.

DH is gonna be horrified when I tell him. As he should.

If DH reacts with anything other than "OMG you must have felt awful, but no harm done, how is your anxiety now darling?" then he is being a dick.

He knows you, He knows you will have already thoroughly beaten yourself up.
If he is unsupporting/undermining (aka "horrified") then he is pointlessly adding to your anxiety & using a small unfortunate episode as a stick to beat you further with.

Apologies if I'm wrong here. But I always wonder, with an anxious person - how is their support at home, & is it ... actually support? Or a contributing factor?
And you anticipating a "horrified" reaction set off alarm bells.

Don't allow him to be 'horrified'. There is nothing to be horrified about. Nothing happened. DD is alive, The house has not burned down. Dial down the drama. If you must 'report' this little incident to him, do so in a breezy way. Anything else is almost inviting someone to compound your own self-punishment ....

@Sally872 I’m trying to chill out, I realise now that I completely overreacted, even making this thread was silly and totally fuelled by this horrible anxiety. Yes, no more open windows downstairs when upstairs whether we’re awake or not. Will ask DH to get baby gate out of shed when he gets back later this evening.

Can you not get the baby gate out of the shed now? Maybe doing something pro active will help you move forward. Sitting about posting about this and how awful you feel whilst waiting for DH to come and fix it for you isn't helping anyone, least of all your DD. Make it a job you do together 'come on DD, let's get the gate out of the shed (don't call it a baby gate)' and then you put it up together and she has a chance to get used it it throughout the day before bedtime too?

@KettrickenSmiled

Apologies if I'm wrong here. But I always wonder, with an anxious person - how is their support at home, & is it ... actually support? Or a contributing factor?
And you anticipating a "horrified" reaction set off alarm bells.

You’re obviously as observant as DD because you are absolutely right. It’s difficult to explain, it’s not that he’s unsupportive per se, it’s more that he doesn’t understand or even believe I actually have anxiety. He was the same when I had PND. He doesn’t believe in stuff like that, mental health. He’s the type of person that thinks people should just get on with it, bite the bullet, toughen up. Whatever you want to call it.

Don’t get me wrong, he is not violent and never has been. He’s generally a very loving, fun person to be around. But he can definitely be condescending when he wants to. Judgemental. Unemotional.

And when I said horrified, I didn’t mean at DD, I meant horrified at me. Definitely. He won’t do anything he’ll just make that face as if to say “you dickhead”.

@Wisteriaroundthedoor

Maybe you’re just embarrassed about it, that the neighbour knows.

Definitely this. It’s embarrassment and shame that I’m feeling right now. And also still feeling angry at myself for leaving the window open in the first place.

Be livid with yourself not your dd.Neighbour probably concerned that a 3 yr old was up on a counter without an adult.

All I’m going to say to this is that you should read the full thread. I don’t have the energy to explain this again, sorry.

• She knows not to leave the room at such an early hour and that mummy comes to get her at 6am.

This time I think she is telling the truth. If she is, I am fucking livid. She knows not to talk to strangers.

Oh op you sound incredibly hard on yourself and by extension hard on your dd (I know other pp have pointed out that you're being unrealistic with expectations of a 3 year old)

Parenting alone is tough.
Early morning starts are soul destroying.
You dozed off, she escaped but she's fine.
It was a small incident, lessons to be learnt for sure but give yourself a break please. Parenting's hard enough without constantly beating yourself up.

This jumped out: " DH is gonna be horrified when I tell him. As he should. "
And I'm a little concerned that your dh is quite critical of you/your parenting.
He would be right to help avoid this in future but he is not entitled to be angry with you or berate you.

Sorry I got to the bit where you blamed yourself after I'd posted

@LisaSimpson77 he is the most critical person I’ve ever met. He’s criticised everything I’ve done since DD was born. Don’t want to go into detail because I’m already crying typing this short paragraph but yes, God forbid I do something not to his standards, I’ll hear about it. But yet when it comes to his shortcomings, I shouldn’t mention them because he’s such a great fucking person and does everything else right so what’s the problem, sort of thing.

Don’t be sorry. I am a fucking idiot either way so no harm done. Lesson learnt. Gonna try and get on with my day now.

Thanks again everyone

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Why are you living with a man like this?

From what you've posted OP I suspect your anxiety would get a whole lot better without your DH constantly putting you down. Had you ever had anxiety before you met him?

DH is gonna be horrified when I tell him. As he should.

This stood out for me too. If this had happened to me whilst DP was working away and it had genuinely shaken and upset me, he absolutely wouldn't be "horrified". He'd be concerned about whether I was OK and coping, and probably feel shit that he wasn't around to help out. He'd also reassure me and say things like "no harm done, DD was OK. Maybe we just need to look into a safety gate..." etc.

What reaction are you anticipating from your DH?

Sorry OP, just seen your replies re DH's response. I'm sorry but it doesn't sound good at all.

*it’s not that he’s unsupportive per se, it’s more that he doesn’t understand or even believe I actually have anxiety. He was the same when I had PND. He doesn’t believe in stuff like that, mental health. He’s the type of person that thinks people should just get on with it, bite the bullet, toughen up. Whatever you want to call it.

Don’t get me wrong, he is not violent and never has been. He’s generally a very loving, fun person to be around. But he can definitely be condescending when he wants to. Judgemental. Unemotional.*

Dreadful. As a fellow PND sufferer, I felt like crying for you just reading that.

What reaction are you anticipating from your DH?

Not anger. Or violence. He’s not like that. He has control of his emotions.

I don’t. That’s why it’s easy for him to get to me. He probably won’t even have to say anything. All he’ll do is give me that disappointed, condescending, you’re a shit mum type of look.

The same look I’ve been getting for 3 years now whenever I get anything wrong in terms of DD.

Yes, I had anxiety before I met him. But it has definitely got progressively worse since we had DD.

I’m so sorry I need to just come off of here for a bit as I’m crying profusely and DD is sat in front of me worried that somethings wrong. Talking about this is a major trigger for me. Sorry. I will be back later. Thank you everyone x