Am I overthinking this?

[runnerblade95]

DH is away with work at the moment so it’s just me and DD. She is 3. She wakes up ridiculously early every morning and usually I can keep up. Not sure what happened this morning but she woke up at 4:45 and I just couldn’t move.

I changed her from her pull up to her knickers, gave her her milk and sat her in the bed with her kindle. She knows not to leave the room at such an early hour and that mummy comes to get her at 6am.

So I made my coffee and got back into bed. Drank some and must have nodded off for no longer than 10, maybe 15 mins. In those 10-15 mins, DD has gone to the kitchen, climbed onto the kitchen counter to access the cupboard with the crisps and cookies in, taken some cookies, which is fine, I’m not upset about that.

What I am upset about is the fact that one of the neighbours started talking to DD (through open kitchen window which I had left open earlier when I made her milk) asking her for her cookie and that they wanted some. DD replies that it’s her cookie.

When she’s reciting this to me, I’ve asked her did this person ask where is your mummy? She said Yes and that she told them I was lying down. DD sometimes makes stuff up so it’s really difficult to know when she is fibbing and when she’s telling the truth.

This time I think she is telling the truth. If she is, I am fucking livid. She knows not to talk to strangers. We’ve done so many safety exercises together, she knows how and when to call 999, knows our door number and street name. Yet she goes and does the exact opposite of what I’ve taught her.

I feel stupid for nodding off also, I must have been knackered cos that never happens.

Should I be concerned about this neighbour? I think I know who it is based on DD’s description of them. Shall I go and talk to them?

Also, will neighbour call SS on me because DD was in kitchen at 5am unsupervised?

I feel like a complete idiot. Usually I’m on the ball but, I definitely dropped that ball this morning. I feel like a shit, arsehole of a mum.

I don't believe that they would call ss for a child walking around freely in her own home. As for your DD just let her know that stranger include people that she may recognise.

He doesn't have to be physically violent to be an utter shit. This alone is awful:

*All he’ll do is give me that disappointed, condescending, you’re a shit mum type of look.

The same look I’ve been getting for 3 years now whenever I get anything wrong in terms of DD.*

He is not supportive, OP. Why are you putting up with this?

@runnerblade95

Hope you are OK. I know the horrors of PND and how alone and desperate it can make you feel. An unsupportive partner on top must be unbearable. Sending you a huge hug

Ah OP, no wonder you have anxiety living like this Be kind to yourself

Here if you ever want to talk Op. Anxiety is the worst. Be kind to yourself and given what you’ve said about your husband, I wouldn’t even tell him about the open window situation. You’ve beaten yourself up about this enough. 🥰

Sorry but I agree with others that a 3 year old shouldn’t be left to roam the house on her own unsupervised. At the age of 3 she does NOT possess the ability to think about safety, stranger danger or anything else for that matter, that is YOUR responsibility as her Mother! Any number of things could have happened to her from falling down the stairs to falling off the worktop and injuring herself to falling out a window or being abducted because you left an accessible window open. As a parent you have to be aware of ALL of these possible dangers, it’s not your daughters responsibility to look after herself whilst you sleep. Having said that we cannot watch them 24/7 and accidents are sometime unavoidable will occur occasionally however, this was totally avoidable!

I'm so sorry OP, this is incredibly hard and I completely understand where you're coming from.
The first year of my ds' life I parented him with somebody who rarely lifted a finger to help, pulled apart my parenting, personality and body post childbirth and yet appeared "lovely" to everybody else.
It's soul destroying and unless you're inside the situation it's incredibly difficult to see and help with.
What's good is that you recognise that this is at the heart of your anxiety so hopefully you can put a stop to it. Do you have IRL support OP?

And when I said horrified, I didn’t mean at DD, I meant horrified at me.
I understood.

he doesn’t understand or even believe I actually have anxiety. He was the same when I had PND. He doesn’t believe in stuff like that, mental health. He’s the type of person that thinks people should just get on with it, bite the bullet, toughen up. Whatever you want to call it.

Don’t get me wrong, he is not violent and never has been. He’s generally a very loving, fun person to be around. But he can definitely be condescending when he wants to. Judgemental. Unemotional.

yeah, that can be hard to live with.
I also find that MH-related deniers are usually condescending. It goes with their over-confidence & lack of imagination.
It helps to remind them that they are not experts, & should stop putting on airs pretending that they know more about it than ... the experts who diagnosed you.

You are being way too hard on yourself please cut yourself some slack. There are no perfect parents out there - not even your dh !

Have you has counselling or therapy for PND & anxiety?

Either way, can you access some/some more - ASAP?

When you do - what do you think your therapist would say about your anxiety levels, & how they might improve if you were not under the constant criticism of the emotional terrorist in your home?

Not anger. Or violence. He’s not like that. He has control of his emotions.

Of course he does.
He keeps his emotions in check by exploiting yours.

thepowermoves.com/7-types-of-abusive-men-a-psychological-analysis/

Recognise Number 3, OP?

Classic.

Abusers escalate when DC come along. It's a recognised pattern.

My dear Runnerblade - you take your own sweet time.
You don't owe anybody here your time, or answers - or anything!

It can feel ... totally crushing to come face to face with the reality that yes ... we're not just "over-sensitive" or "too anxious" or "suffering PND" or "stupid, clumsy, always in the wrong" .... because in fact, we are none of those things, we are being abused by the man who is meant to love & cherish us.

Today got off to a rotten start for you, but you can put that behind you now.
Tonight, don't attend the altar of your husband's disapproval & condescension. Don't set yourself up for some kind of warped "confessional".
Simply tell him that DD had a lively morning & you think she needs the stair gate again for a few more months, can he help you put it up please?

When you are ready - & that is up to YOU, not me, or PP - & feel strong enough, I recommend that you start educating yourself about the dynamics of abusive relationships. Obviously - keep this UTTERLY SECRET from H.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

www.womensaid.ie/help/coercive-control.html

www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Deep breaths OP.
You are not alone, & although it's hard to read, & most of us survivor PP's are tough-talking & blunt when we talk about abuse - we are here to support you.
When YOU are ready.
Remember - you don't owe us anything. You manage today, & your feelings, & the revelations you are seeing about your H - at your own pace.

ODFOD.

& while you're doing that - maybe read the thread - & the room?

No one is living their best life at 4.45am. Lesson learned, keep the window closed and fix the fence. That's all. No harm was done, and it sounds like DD was pretty sensible and fine.

If you haven't already, please speak to your GP about your anxiety. When I was anxious and depressed it was so useful to have professionals in my corner. I thought of them like a "Team Humming" who had my interests at heart, when I was too overwhelmed with parenting, or too low in self-esteem, to do it myself. I think you need a "team running blade" especially as you have to counter all that toxicity from your DH.

If she is, I am fucking livid. She knows not to talk to strangers. We’ve done so many safety exercises together, she knows how and when to call 999, knows our door number and street name. Yet she goes and does the exact opposite of what I’ve taught her

She is only 3!

Yes you are overthinking.
Neighbour has done nothing wrong - sounds like just checking on her
Child has done nothing wrong - she is only 3

I don't think its realistic to expect a 3 year old to entertain themselves in their bedroom until 6am. Either take her into your room or get up with her.

Wait. Are you livid with your daughter for talking to a stranger? Why the hell is your neighbour peering through your window? That’s weird.

Mine is 3.5 and I can’t imagine being ok with them climbing up on kitchen counters unsupervised, could too easily fall and bang their head l.
Mine gets up early and I sometimes take the duvet downstairs and watch tv with them/lay down.

Wow. That is a LOT of guilt and thoughts you are carrying.

Calm down. Let go of anger. Do not speak to your neighbour, what would you say and what outcome would you want?

Let yourself off, forgive yourself. This happens.

We tell ours to go back to bed if she tries to get up before 8:30am as we rise around that time and she rises with us. Just tell her 'go back to bed, it is too early to get up'

You know you fucked up but, given what you’ve said about your husband, I wouldn’t tell him what happened with DD this morning. What good will it do? You’ll just feel more like shit and it’s not like you don’t know already!

Ps and at that insane time of the morning(4.45) don’t send her back to her own room with a kindle - take her back into yours for a snuggle and hopefully you’ll both go back to sleep!

Do not tell your DH, what would it achieve?

It's done, alls well that ends well, move on.

Was the neighbour just trying to keep her talking as concerned no adult around?

I’d focus more on concern that she got up on to kitchen counter
presumably where kettle is?
knives?
and falling risk

We tell ours to go back to bed if she tries to get up before 8:30am as we rise around that time and she rises with us. Just tell her 'go back to bed, it is too early to get up'

Does this work? How old is she? Do you think it would work with my 1 yo? 🤣

@Soupsetscared

“Don't beat yourself up she couldn't get out. No harm done.”

Sorry, but she could get out and others could get in- mum had left a window open!