Am I overthinking this?

[runnerblade95]

DH is away with work at the moment so it’s just me and DD. She is 3. She wakes up ridiculously early every morning and usually I can keep up. Not sure what happened this morning but she woke up at 4:45 and I just couldn’t move.

I changed her from her pull up to her knickers, gave her her milk and sat her in the bed with her kindle. She knows not to leave the room at such an early hour and that mummy comes to get her at 6am.

So I made my coffee and got back into bed. Drank some and must have nodded off for no longer than 10, maybe 15 mins. In those 10-15 mins, DD has gone to the kitchen, climbed onto the kitchen counter to access the cupboard with the crisps and cookies in, taken some cookies, which is fine, I’m not upset about that.

What I am upset about is the fact that one of the neighbours started talking to DD (through open kitchen window which I had left open earlier when I made her milk) asking her for her cookie and that they wanted some. DD replies that it’s her cookie.

When she’s reciting this to me, I’ve asked her did this person ask where is your mummy? She said Yes and that she told them I was lying down. DD sometimes makes stuff up so it’s really difficult to know when she is fibbing and when she’s telling the truth.

This time I think she is telling the truth. If she is, I am fucking livid. She knows not to talk to strangers. We’ve done so many safety exercises together, she knows how and when to call 999, knows our door number and street name. Yet she goes and does the exact opposite of what I’ve taught her.

I feel stupid for nodding off also, I must have been knackered cos that never happens.

Should I be concerned about this neighbour? I think I know who it is based on DD’s description of them. Shall I go and talk to them?

Also, will neighbour call SS on me because DD was in kitchen at 5am unsupervised?

I feel like a complete idiot. Usually I’m on the ball but, I definitely dropped that ball this morning. I feel like a shit, arsehole of a mum.

Don't beat yourself up OP. You sound very like me! I always have mum guilt and like you if DD has a temperature I'm beside myself thinking she needs a hospital! Thankfully my sister is a nurse and is good at talking me down!

Last week I fell carrying DD, she's only 6 months old and thankfully as I fell I somehow mid fall protected her head and she was unharmed. But I was totally traumatised, all the what ifs, a bit like you thinking what could have happened. I really gave myself such a hard time also it showed me how easy it is for something really dreadful to happen. I think I probably need CBT to help me cope better.

You left your dd unsupervised with a window open downstairs.
You're being ridiculous to be "livid" with a neighbour that spoke to her through said window
The neighbour probably assumed you were lying on the sofa; who the hell leaves windows open when they're asleep in bed?

@KettrickenSmiled

Thanks for the advice which btw I took and re-read the threads from start to finish. Many responded like me with concern for the child’s safety and thought the OP was being unreasonable in her thoughts towards her child and the neighbour, even to the point the OP suggested 4.45am was too early for someone to be out and about! ( which happens to be the time my husband gets up to walk the dogs before work.)

My post was out of concern for the child. The OP mentioned the DH was away but mentioned nothing about his reactions to her parenting skills or of her own problems until a post appeared at 11.13 which was near to the time I was writing mine which posted at 11.24. Therefore was not seen by myself.

As a mother myself I do sympathise with what the OP is going through but she must speak to both her husband and GP if she needs help. No-one wants to see any child come to harm.

I'm sure your retroactive 'concern' has REALLY boosted OP's confidence, @sharonlynn1964

Thanks for sharing - advice about how to prevent an incident after it has occurred is always SO helpful!

@KettrickenSmiled

Thanks for sharing - advice about how to prevent an incident after it has occurred is always SO helpful!

Luckily the child came to no harm this time. ...and btw NO advice was given, just stating what the OP already knows- she needs help. Now GTFOMB!

Yes but that didn't happen and the OP has acknowledged numerous times that she knows and is concerned what could've happened.

Your contribution is totally unhelpful and tone deaf!

OP, don't beat yourself up. We can all look back one day and raise our eyes as things we've done when our kids were small.

I let my kids in front of the TV so I could snooze a bit longer. I was a single mum working FT. I was shattered. The only thing in TV at 4am was Spanish football. My son became an expert!

In many ways, it's good to teach them to be responsible and confident on their own as long as we make sure they are safe.

If she is, I am fucking livid. She knows not to talk to strangers. We’ve done so many safety exercises together, she knows how and when to call 999, knows our door number and street name. Yet she goes and does the exact opposite of what I’ve taught her.

WTF

She's 3! She doesn't know anything. She's learning all the time and your expectations of her are way, way too high.

I just need to make it very clear that I’m more than aware that I fucked up this morning. I’ve been beating myself up about it all day. Mainly because it’s so unusual for me to drop the ball like that. I’m not the type of person that falls asleep at the drop of a hat. I also don’t know many people who are able to drink a whole cup of coffee with 2 sugars in it, then fall asleep. So I’m more than aware at this point that I need to see my GP for both my anxiety and the insomnia that causes me to basically never sleep, then when it’s time for the day to start, I feel like collapsing. So, lesson learnt.

@sharonlynn1964 you sound lovely, nice to meet you 🤝 So, you’re my mother’s age, presumably you have children and grandchildren too? I suppose you’ve never dropped the ball in your life when it comes to your children or grandchildren? What on earth are you doing on here then? You should be on your laptop, typing at the speed of lightning, writing the book on how to be the perfect parent and never make a mistake or error in judgement. Do you realise how lucrative your book sales would be? You would be a multi-millionaire. You know why? Because the perfect parent does not exist. Now please do me a favour and get off of MY back, the cheek of you asking for others to get off of yours!

@KettrickenSmiled I’ve read all of your posts and they’re a bit triggering but it’s all stuff I need to hear and need to face. I love DH, don’t get me wrong, I do, but I see so many stories on mumsnet with similar circumstances, and these women seem to manage to find the strength to walk away. Why can’t I? Why have I just accepted being weak? Laying down and doing nothing about what is making me unhappy. Essentially, I’m teaching my DD to be a doormat. Yeah sure I’m hard on myself, you know why? Because I have to be. It’s almost like because of my mental health issues, and because of the fact that I’ve never really gotten actual proper help for them, I’ve made it my mission and my responsibility almost, to make sure I keep my head straight at all times. Never lose my cool. Never show (him) that whatever he’s doing is getting to me. Be as close to perfect as possible. Etc. Etc. And it’s soul destroying at this point. Can’t do it for much longer.

Thank you so much. It’s a very lonely place to be but I’m doing my best to work through it and not let DD see me when I’m crying and things like that but it’s tough. It’s tough to put on this happy face every single day. But I have to. For DD.

@runnerblade95

Your post is titled “Am I overthinking this” - you asked for peoples thoughts on the situation so please don’t shoot the messenger when you get a response you don’t like. Btw many responded with concern, like myself, over a child being left unsupervised whilst a window was open, climbing the counters, neighbour around, garden not fenced etc so I’m assuming you’ll be messaging them also?? You’re right there is NO such thing as the perfect parent and I certainly don’t claim to be one, and didn’t so I won’t be writing that book you suggest and didn’t think my comments were out of order however, hopefully both of us can learn from our mistakes. I sincerely hope you get the help you need and ask you don’t reply as I won’t be responding further. Enjoy your daughter and the rest of your day.

@sharonlynn1964 that’s odd Sharon, all of a sudden you don’t wish to converse but yet you certainly had a lot to say earlier? Have you heard the saying about stones and glass houses? You’re absolutely right, I came here for advice. Little do you know, perhaps subconsciously I also deliberately came here for a bollocking. Because I knew damn well that what I did was wrong. But it appears that you’re the all-seeing, all-knowing perfect parent. So I asked you what you’re doing here when there’s money to be made from your apparently flawless approach to parenting? The answer to your question is No, of course I won’t be replying to every single person that expressed the same opinion as you. I chose you because you didn’t just say your piece and move along. Had to stick the knife in and twist it, just for extra measure. There’s a word for people like you but I’m going to end this here and wish you a lovely day also.

came here for advice. Little do you know, perhaps subconsciously I also deliberately came here for a bollocking. Because I knew damn well that what I did was wrong.

OP you are not accountable to us. You don't need a bollocking you need to ensure it doesn't happen again and move on. People make mistakes and they learn from them. You are being far too harsh on yourself here over this incident. I can see it's come from a place of being in an absusive relationship so I really do hope you can escape that for both you and your daughter

It’s definitely not going to happen again because the first time is a mistake. The second time is just plain old carelessness. Once you know better, you do better. So that’s no longer my concern. But I am stressed and feeling the weight of the constant judgement from DH is starting to wear me down. That’s a fact. I just have no idea where to even start when it comes to getting away from him, filing for divorce, that look in his eye if I even so much as mention the word divorce as if to say “you can’t divorce me because you need me”.

I thought I did. Now I’m beginning to question myself “for what?”. What exactly do I need him for when I do everything around here anyway?

^ This.

And what is your neighbour doing nose-up to your kitchen window at the ass-crack of dawn? That's weird.

I completely agree with this. It’s my responsibility and only mine, to make sure the house is kid proof and safe. I can admit that I tend to trust her a little more than most people would trust a 3 year old, because she honestly is an extremely well-behaved child, except for the odd normal 3 year old tantrum. But in terms of doing what she’s told, she generally does. That doesn’t mean she’s responsible enough to be roaming around the house by herself, no matter the time of day.

The point is, I must have been absolutely exhausted because not only did I fall asleep sat up, but I didn’t even hear her bedroom door click as it opens, didn’t hear any footsteps going down the stairs, I was extremely tired.

Either way, yes, the responsibility is mine and mine only.

As for the neighbour, she was hanging out her washing is what DD said. It’s not even about the time for me it’s more that she was chatting away to my daughter but couldn’t come and knock my door. I don’t know why that’s bothering me so much but it is.

I’m confused

You are insistent not cross at your daughter but then in your op

I am fucking livid. She knows not to talk to strangers. We’ve done so many safety exercises together, she knows how and when to call 999, knows our door number and street name. Yet she goes and does the exact opposite of what I’ve taught her.

and you’re worried about the neighbour contacting SS but then also pissed at her for not coming around to check on you?

she was out at 5am hanging her washing. She clocked your daughter at the window. Had a little chat with her. We really don’t know what was said because your daughter is 3 and you say she makes stuff up.

if I were you, I’d use it as an opportunity to pop around to the neighbour. Say that your daughter mentioned talking to her in the early hours and you thought it was time you introduced yourself as her neighbour

What is there to be confused about? I was angry and frustrated at the situation. Which was nobody else’s fault but mine. You’re absolutely right, I was livid. At DD’s actions ie climbing onto the kitchen counter. Which is also not her fault. It is mine. Otherwise I would have been livid at and/or with her. I don’t believe I said at or with in my original post. I simply stated that I was livid.

As for the neighbour, yes, I still don’t fully understand why she chose to talk to DD but not to come and knock my door.

Either way, I don’t think it’s appropriate to go knocking at someone’s door because of something that happened because of my actions, or lack of.

All I can do is make sure it doesn’t happen again by putting the gate back.

All I can do is make sure it doesn’t happen again by putting the gate back.

yup

Thank you for your input

No problem

I think you sound tired and stressed. I’m sure we’ve all fallen back to sleep by accident on occasion! Especially at that time! Gosh!

it seems like you feel guilty for falling back to sleep, and that is what’s prompted your reaction to the situation.

what do you do with your child when you are on the loo? It doesn’t take long and they get up to all sorts, I’m sure if she’d got into mischief when you were on the loo you wouldn’t feel so guilty about it.

my eldest is 16, I’m still feeling like I’m making it up as I go along.

perhaps there are some perfect parents out there, but I’m certainly not one!

Goodness if only OP had thought of that! Good job you said, OP had been trawling the internet to purchase a time machine to go back to 3.00am this morning.

*good job you confirmed that was the answer

@lemonsorbetinthesun

it seems like you feel guilty for falling back to sleep, and that is what’s prompted your reaction to the situation.

Spot on. I do feel guilty for nodding off because it’s something I’ve never done. Maybe whilst breastfeeding when she was a baby but that’s about it. So yes, you’re right, I definitely feel guilty about that.

what do you do with your child when you are on the loo? It doesn’t take long and they get up to all sorts, I’m sure if she’d got into mischief when you were on the loo you wouldn’t feel so guilty about it.

Good question, actually, we have a toilet downstairs and upstairs so whichever floor we’re both on, I’ll use that one. I usually just leave the door open and luckily, she usually just stands there and talks me to death so I don’t have that issue. But whenever I’m washing up or hanging out the washing, I usually have to pop my head in every couple of minutes or call out her name to check she is okay. If I ask her what she’s doing and the reply is “nothing”, that usually means she’s up to some kind of mischief 😅