Am I overthinking this?

[runnerblade95]

DH is away with work at the moment so it’s just me and DD. She is 3. She wakes up ridiculously early every morning and usually I can keep up. Not sure what happened this morning but she woke up at 4:45 and I just couldn’t move.

I changed her from her pull up to her knickers, gave her her milk and sat her in the bed with her kindle. She knows not to leave the room at such an early hour and that mummy comes to get her at 6am.

So I made my coffee and got back into bed. Drank some and must have nodded off for no longer than 10, maybe 15 mins. In those 10-15 mins, DD has gone to the kitchen, climbed onto the kitchen counter to access the cupboard with the crisps and cookies in, taken some cookies, which is fine, I’m not upset about that.

What I am upset about is the fact that one of the neighbours started talking to DD (through open kitchen window which I had left open earlier when I made her milk) asking her for her cookie and that they wanted some. DD replies that it’s her cookie.

When she’s reciting this to me, I’ve asked her did this person ask where is your mummy? She said Yes and that she told them I was lying down. DD sometimes makes stuff up so it’s really difficult to know when she is fibbing and when she’s telling the truth.

This time I think she is telling the truth. If she is, I am fucking livid. She knows not to talk to strangers. We’ve done so many safety exercises together, she knows how and when to call 999, knows our door number and street name. Yet she goes and does the exact opposite of what I’ve taught her.

I feel stupid for nodding off also, I must have been knackered cos that never happens.

Should I be concerned about this neighbour? I think I know who it is based on DD’s description of them. Shall I go and talk to them?

Also, will neighbour call SS on me because DD was in kitchen at 5am unsupervised?

I feel like a complete idiot. Usually I’m on the ball but, I definitely dropped that ball this morning. I feel like a shit, arsehole of a mum.

Oh no I’m not annoyed at her. Maybe I didn’t word that very well. I’m angry at the neighbour (who we don’t know very well to be fair, they moved in all of 6 months ago now) and now that I think about it, a pp suggested that the neighbour should have come and knocked my door when the child stated that mummy was lying down.

So yes, I’m very pissed off at the neighbour.

But the person I’m pissed off most with is myself at this moment in time. There really is nobody else to blame here. I can be pissed off at who I want. The fault ultimately lies with me.

I don’t think anyone has done anything wrong. You were knackered and accidentally fell asleep for 10 minutes. Your daughter behaved like a normal toddler. The neighbour checked everything was OK. Everything was OK.

Now your little escape artist has exposed a few security flaws, you can tighten up procedures with no harm done. All is well.

No, the window wasn’t open all night. I’d opened the window when I went to the kitchen to make my coffee and DD’s milk, because it was stuffy in there. This wasn’t done with the intention of going back upstairs to fall asleep. I fell asleep by accident, of course.

But if what you’re suggesting is that when everyone is upstairs, the windows downstairs shouldn’t be open, whether we’re awake or not, then yes, I agree with that. Again, my stupid mistake.

YABVU to be angry at either of them.

@HeddaGarbled I don’t think anyone has done anything wrong. You were knackered and accidentally fell asleep for 10 minutes

I’m sorry but this is exactly what I did wrong. No harm done if your child is 7 or 8 years old and you nod off for 10 mins. She’s 3. I’m really upset and perhaps I am overreacting but yeah, I’m very upset with myself.

You say you're livid, but I assume that's because you're upset at the fact it happened while you had your eyes off the ball (understandably because it was very early AM and you were in bed!)

PLEASE don't do what my mum used to do when I was a child, and scream at me when something happened that SHE was ultimately responsible for.

Get a stair gate, lock the doors downstairs if you can (maybe bolt at the top if you don't already have a lock fitted) so she can't access the kitchen without you. That, plus a gro clock should do the trick.

But please don't be 'livid' at your tiny little girl.

I don’t think you can be angry with anyone but yourself for leaving the window open and leaving your child unsupervised near it. Sorry OP, I know it sucks to be told that and you’re already in a bad place. I’m just trying to give you honest feedback.

If I was the neighbour I’d have spoken to your child as well, because they were by themselves at such an early hour and in a potential situation where they could get harmed. I’d be speaking to your child to help you, not judge you. I’d be taking time out of my day to ensure your child is safe, after all. It would be coming from a nice place.

I agree with others that you cannot expect a 3 year old to truly understand the concept of stranger danger, and your child will very likely not expect this stranger to include a neighbour they recognise from before. You are beyond way too hard on your child and your neighbour.

I’m not livid with her. I’m livid with the situation itself, the neighbour, and most significantly, my stupid self.

But I can admit that I was stern with her when asking what happened with the neighbour. Which may have come across aggressive because I was scared. Does that make sense?

@Vallmo47 I don’t think you can be angry with anyone but yourself for leaving the window open and leaving your child unsupervised near it. Sorry OP, I know it sucks to be told that and you’re already in a bad place. I’m just trying to give you honest feedback.

Don’t be sorry! I completely agree!!

I really don’t think you have any reason to be livid at the neighbour for talking to her.

Toddler, visible through window climbing on the kitchen and eating cookies alone probably came across as cause for concern and the neighbour wanted to check she was okay!

Then why didn’t she ask her if she was okay? Or come and knock my door? Instead she was asking if she could have one, that she should share her cookie with her and where’s your mummy. That’s creepy and unacceptable, I would never speak to a 3 year old that I don’t know like that. I think that’s why I’m angry. Not that the neighbour spoke to her. It’s what she said that’s messing with my head at the moment.

Thank you for taking that so well. Have had a bit of a shitty time myself lately and I know too well what it’s like to hate yourself for stupid things that aren’t really the end of the world, but that you could learn from. If you know what I mean. Your anger about it all stems from fear, I completely get that. Just close the window in future and try to move past it. Honestly I need to be as kind to myself as I am to others with giving advice- I overthink things massively and end up having the worst time hating myself.

We’ve all been in similar shoes. Chalk it up to parenting experience and move on, I’m sure your 3 year old has. :)

The neighbour has done nothing wrong. Someone else may have called the police for a welfare check tough.

Seems like innocuous small talk with a small child to me tbh! Maybe she should have checked you were okay, but perhaps she felt that your DD saying you were lying down and the fact it was so early was explanation enough that you were still in bed so no need to pursue it further.

Op

Maybe the neighbour noticed she was on the kitchen counters / eating snacks and couldn't see you around.

So maybe she tried to make conversation with your child to make sure all is well and get a know idea of where were you.

When your DD answered with mummy is laying down maybe the neighbour just assumed this is how you're parenting & maybe you knew your child climbs on counters etc.

Also I wouldn't trust what my 3 yo says 100% sometimes they make stuff up 😂

You could always have a polite chat with your
Neighbour and get their side of the story too

The poor neighbour being the target of such anger when they were only chatting with an unattended child who was clambering up and opening kitchen units. They were probably talking with her to establish OP wasn't dead or anything.

You are really overreacting.

I think it’s the fact that I’m having a shitty time in general and the fact that I am over the top when it comes to DD. Which means I’m always on the ball. It’s something DH makes me fun of me about, regularly. Says I just need to chill out sometimes.

But see this is the type of thing that happens when you “chill out”.

Yeah. Doing my best to just forget about it but it’s kinda ruined my morning tbh. Oh well. Lesson learnt.

If she is, I am fucking livid. She knows not to talk to strangers. We’ve done so many safety exercises together, she knows how and when to call 999, knows our door number and street name. Yet she goes and does the exact opposite of what I’ve taught her.

How can you be livid with a 3 year old kid doing what 3 year old kids do?
I don't think you are. I think it's MumGuilt, which feels bloody horrible, so you are externalising the guilt into the slightly easier to endure feeling of anger.

Let yourself off the hook. Nobody is a perfect parent. 3 year old are exhausting - you were tired - there was a small lapse in supervision - no harm done.
Better?
Feeling less livid?
Good.

DD didn't do anything wrong. She spoke to a neighbour from within her own kitchen - that wouldn't have felt like a 'stranger' to her - even if she was capable of remembering about stranger danger, in the moment.

Chalk it up to one of those slips that every parent experiences, forgive yourself, & take up PP suggestions on preventative measures.

Just a thought about the choice of words from neighbour - do you think she was trying to be light hearted? I remember once I saw a toddler open the door in his nappy and proceed to walk out the door (which went straight onto a busy road). I was panicking because I couldn’t see an adult around, so the child must have opened an unlocked door when parent was out of sight. I stopped dead in my track and calmly (ish) started talking to the child in a sweet voice, asking what they were up to and was there an adult around. I then heard a dog barking in background so proceeded to talk to the child about the dog, what’s it’s name and stuff like that. Literally just rambling crap, hoping the adult would turn up any second so the child was safe.
I’m relaying all of this because honestly, I waffle some serious crap 😂. I was simply trying to keep child safe and calm until mum or dad turned up, absolutely not trying to be creepy!!

I probably am, hence the title of the thread. I’m willing to accept that I’m probably overreacting. But anything could have happened. And what if it hadn’t been the neighbour. At that hour in the morning it very well could have been a burglar or something. I’m an idiot, I accept that. This is entirely my fault. As I said to pp I think I’m just angry because I’m usually so on top of things so to speak. Today, I’m definitely not, put it that way.

I would be really worried if I saw an unsupervised 3 year old climbing on counters and would try to make sure all was ok - that mum/dad weren’t hurt, etc. - but in a friendly way so as not to alarm the child.

you really don’t have anything to be angry about. Leaving the window open wasn’t great but we all make mistakes, don’t beat yourself (or neighbour) up about it.

Bless you, life is one long lesson but you are being very hard on yourself here. Just close the window and get a stair gate so you feel more comfortable. At such an early hour your toddler should have been asleep, of course you were tired.
There are way worse things that could have happened. My daughter rolled off the bed (co sleeping while breastfeeding and I dozed off). Other kids I’ve heard of falling down the stairs because someone forgot to close a stair gate properly. It can always be worse. Your toddler is fine and so are you.

@KettrickenSmiled

How can you be livid with a 3 year old kid doing what 3 year old kids do?
I don't think you are. I think it's MumGuilt, which feels bloody horrible, so you are externalising the guilt into the slightly easier to endure feeling of anger.

Let yourself off the hook. Nobody is a perfect parent. 3 year old are exhausting - you were tired - there was a small lapse in supervision - no harm done.

Better?
Feeling less livid?
Good.

Thank you, you’re absolutely right, it’s definitely MumsGuilt. DH is gonna be horrified when I tell him. As he should.

Look things happen as parents that give us a fright as we think what if, however, you learn from them.

Either you need to try tackle the early waking up or alternatively, get your coffee and her milk and a snack. Take her in to your room with you with her kindle and shut the bedroom door and tell her not to leave the room. If you fall asleep shes beside you. If she moves you will be disturbed.

I don't see the neighbours done anything wrong, she's seen her and asked where her mummy is out of concern. She's asked can I have one about the biscuit as an ice breaker to then enquire where you are. Your daughter said lying down so she'd presumed all is okay.