Am I overthinking this?

[runnerblade95]

DH is away with work at the moment so it’s just me and DD. She is 3. She wakes up ridiculously early every morning and usually I can keep up. Not sure what happened this morning but she woke up at 4:45 and I just couldn’t move.

I changed her from her pull up to her knickers, gave her her milk and sat her in the bed with her kindle. She knows not to leave the room at such an early hour and that mummy comes to get her at 6am.

So I made my coffee and got back into bed. Drank some and must have nodded off for no longer than 10, maybe 15 mins. In those 10-15 mins, DD has gone to the kitchen, climbed onto the kitchen counter to access the cupboard with the crisps and cookies in, taken some cookies, which is fine, I’m not upset about that.

What I am upset about is the fact that one of the neighbours started talking to DD (through open kitchen window which I had left open earlier when I made her milk) asking her for her cookie and that they wanted some. DD replies that it’s her cookie.

When she’s reciting this to me, I’ve asked her did this person ask where is your mummy? She said Yes and that she told them I was lying down. DD sometimes makes stuff up so it’s really difficult to know when she is fibbing and when she’s telling the truth.

This time I think she is telling the truth. If she is, I am fucking livid. She knows not to talk to strangers. We’ve done so many safety exercises together, she knows how and when to call 999, knows our door number and street name. Yet she goes and does the exact opposite of what I’ve taught her.

I feel stupid for nodding off also, I must have been knackered cos that never happens.

Should I be concerned about this neighbour? I think I know who it is based on DD’s description of them. Shall I go and talk to them?

Also, will neighbour call SS on me because DD was in kitchen at 5am unsupervised?

I feel like a complete idiot. Usually I’m on the ball but, I definitely dropped that ball this morning. I feel like a shit, arsehole of a mum.

@runnerblade95 Please ignore the people who clearly haven't read the full thread or are being goady. The original issue has already been resolved.

I think what could be productive for you to focus on is getting yourself and DD in the right situation. It's really sad to hear you talk about the way your DH treats you and clearly his undermining and nastiness will be contributing to your anxiety.

It can be so hard to defend ourselves in this situation because we've been so beaten down so maybe the right way to think about it is - what am I teaching DD about how relationships should be? How would I feel if DD grew up and was treated like this?

You clearly have some fire in your belly judging by your robust responses to some of the goady replies here. You SO have it in you to fight for what you and DD need and get out of this situation.

There is some amazing advice on Mumsnet. Perhaps you could post a separate thread requesting both emotional and practical advice for divorce on the relationships board? I have seen so many women be helped out of bad situations that way. The strength and sense of community that can be created from knowing you have advice and support of lots of other women on a thread is so powerful.

As for the neighbour, yes, I still don’t fully understand why she chose to talk to DD but not to come and knock my door

I honestly don't think many people would knock on the door at 5am, as far as she was aware your daughter was fine.

@runnerblade95 you shouldn't be angry with your neighbour , a child of 3 alone looking for food at 5am with an open window ,would raise concerns to just check all was well.
Your daughter is 3 yrs old and not to be blamed either.
Your daughter clearly needs closer supervision and perhaps you need some sleep.
Do you have any support ?, family or friends that could give you lie in?
Some good sleep often rejuvenates.

Op I think give yourself a break now. You are probably more upset Over what could have happened and that's caused your reaction. Lesson learnt, just put the gate back up and it will be ok. I think alot of us can be found guilty of nodding off. Your dd is ok, all is well.

@mum61 just when I thought I was the most dramatic person on this site, along comes someone suggesting that my child was starving at 5 in the morning. After she had just consumed a large beaker of milk also. FYI she was looking for cookies. She’s obsessed with them. She thinks she deserves them whenever she does something good. She asks for cookies before bed. She asks for cookies whenever she wakes up in the middle of the night. She asks for cookies before school. She asks for cookies on the way home from school. The cupboard she went in is specifically her cupboard. So when she was climbing up there it wasn’t in a desperate attempt to access any cupboard as long as it has a crumb of food in it. No. She was deliberately climbing onto the kitchen counter to access her “goodies” cupboard.

Which if anybody has been reading the last 6 or 7 pages will know that I am fully aware that all of the above is MY FAULT. I’m not perfect. Far from it. I’m just trying my best to make it so that my daughter is happier and feels more loved than I did growing up. Am I overcompensating? Probably. Am I going to pay for it if I don’t do something about it right now? Definitely.

Yes, I am constantly tired. No, I don’t have any support unless I have a complete emotional breakdown, end up calling 111 for a nurse to have to actually explain to DH that he needs to take over in terms of care for DD because that is his job to take over if her mother is unfit to do so at that moment in time. Until the nurse tells him, it’s a chore and I’m her mum so “be a mum”.

When you put it like that, makes sense. Fair enough. I wouldn’t knock someone’s door at 5am either.

Thank you for your kind approach to the situation and kind words, I appreciate it. I know most of the comments aren’t personal, nobody knows me here. If anything, I’m glad they’re as horrified as I am. Proves to me that I’m not overreacting, but I’m definitely beating myself up at this point, it’s over, it’s happened, the feeling of embarrassment, anger and shame has come and gone. I just need to let it go.

Didn’t even bother telling DH as I don’t have the energy to have the exchange with him. The thought of it is just exhausting at this point so I’ll just tell him on the weekend or not at all, unless DD mentions it which is likely.

It’s strange because I wouldn’t say verbatim “I am scared of him”. No way. It’s more like “I’m scared of his opinion. I’m scared of that disappointed look he’s going to give me. I’m scared of that condescending tone he’s gonna use when asking me questions. I’m scared that no matter what answer I give him, it will not be enough and he will still be pissed off”.

That’s what I’m scared of when it comes to DH. Deep down I know this is textbook gaslighting. Emotional abuse. I know that just because he doesn’t hit me, it doesn’t mean that what he’s doing isn’t still wrong. I know it is.

Gone off on a tangent now. Sorry about that.

I completely understand why you are feeling like this. Every parent has moments like this. It's regret, it's fear of what could happen etc. But nothing bad happened!

All you can do is just make sure you learn from it. You can't turn back time so please stop being so hard on yourself, pick yourself up and learn from these mistakes.

Also keep clear of the creepy neighbour. It does sound odd. I would be interested to see if they ever mention it to you!!

You sound completely beaten down and at the end of your emotional tether, I know exactly what you mean about disappointed looks and unpredictable reactions. It's no way to live but you do have the strength to get through this and away from his abuse.

Op my heart goes out to you. You sound exhausted.

I remember when my babies woke up early like this it was hell. Can I suggest you just snuggle her into bed with you and put cartoons on her ipad etc while you just snooze for another hour ? So that you can feel she is safe next to you but you don't have to get up.

@runnerblade95 I wasnt suggesting your daughter was starving at 5 in the morning.
I was suggesting your neighbour who saw your daughter through the window didn't know why your daughter was looking for cookies or whatever foodstuff at 5 in the morning unsupervised.So it was reasonable for him/her to ask if she was ok by having a chat and asking where mummy was.
(you could have been unwell or had a problem )
I was suggesting that your neighbour meant no harm and you shouldn't be livid about that .
I was suggesting you may need some support if you are feeling very tired as children can be exhausting .....not blaming you.
I dont think anything I said is over dramatic.

It’s almost like because of my mental health issues, and because of the fact that I’ve never really gotten actual proper help for them, I’ve made it my mission and my responsibility almost, to make sure I keep my head straight at all times. Never lose my cool. Never show (him) that whatever he’s doing is getting to me. Be as close to perfect as possible.

This is no way to live.
A sure indicator of abuse is when we repeatedly change our behaviours purely in order to accommodate somebody else's wishes, or keep the peace with them.

Maybe, when you get the help you need AND DESERVE, you will be able to drop the focus on being Ms Perect in order to deflect criticism, & direct attention instead to how people treat you, & what you are prepared to tolerate.

Lastly (for now!) - I am so sorry you found my posts triggering. However ... sometimes, it's what we need to hear, or acknowledge, in order for us finally to be able to "feel the fear & do it anyway".

It is remarkable how liberating & attitude-changing it is to finally stop people-pleasing, & instead respond with assertive statements like "DH dear - you've got into the habit of rolling your eyes at me. I'm sure you don't mean to insult me, but could you make an effort to stop doing it please? Thanks so much, now shall we have the chicken salad tonight or do you prefer the lasagne?"

Small steps, & stop apologising for yourself. You have done nothing wrong.

I’m just trying my best to make it so that my daughter is happier and feels more loved than I did growing up
Ah. THIS is what you need to take to a therapist OP.
Because THIS is what caused you to end up with the kind of spousal dynamic where -
No, I don’t have any support unless I have a complete emotional breakdown, end up calling 111 for a nurse to have to actually explain to DH that he needs to take over in terms of care for DD because that is his job to take over if her mother is unfit to do so at that moment in time. Until the nurse tells him, it’s a chore and I’m her mum so “be a mum”.
So he refuses to help you at all, deliberately withholds even emotional support, until you are close to breakdown ... he then grudgingly 'helps' if directed to do so by a third party.
Surprise me - he then makes a mountain over what a great guy he is, & what a pain in the arse you are?
Yeah?
Fuck. That. Noise.

It’s strange because I wouldn’t say verbatim “I am scared of him”. No way. It’s more like “I’m scared of his opinion. I’m scared of that disappointed look he’s going to give me. I’m scared of that condescending tone he’s gonna use when asking me questions. I’m scared that no matter what answer I give him, it will not be enough and he will still be pissed off”.
And this is how he has trained to to constantly defer to him.
Funny really - if it weren't so unfair & sad - that one of the primary causes of your current anxiety 'doesn't believe in MH issues' (paraphrased) ...

thepowermoves.com/7-types-of-abusive-men-a-psychological-analysis/
Does "Mr Right" ring any bells with you?

Here is some SECRET reading material OP - there's a free e-version if that will be easier for you to access & hide - www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf#page=75

Just because DH's control is subtle, doesn't mean it isn't there.
Just because the contempt he deliberately signals to you is non-violent - doesn't mean it's not abusive.

Take your time OP.
Nobody's urging you to make sudden decisions, & you don't owe any of us explanations or justification.
The best thing you can do for yourself is decide that you deserve expert assistance, & begin a programme of directed & self-help with a therapist &/or trauma specialist who can help you unpick the damaging messages you were given in childhood. You can heal those wounds OP - & this is from an old bat who had what I reckon were similar damaging childhood messages, & - in some ways - a similarly controlling H. (ex!)

Gone off on a tangent now. Sorry about that.

Um - that wasn't a tangent runnerblade.
The 5am/open window scenario was a tangent.

The crux of your problem is exactly what you have just (unnecessarily!) apologised for. May I suggest some 'next steps', to address it?

• Help with your anxiety
• Trauma therapist
• Self-help & directed help programme to help you change your trauma-induced habit of deferring to & fearing the contempt of your H
• Continue building yourself up into the person you want to be. You're already pretty amazing. Read this again -

I’m just trying my best to make it so that my daughter is happier and feels more loved than I did growing up

How about THAT for self-awareness, emotional intelligence, bravery & determination?

And here's another thing - you are doing all that in a state of near-constant exhaustion. Part of that is, er - being the mother of a 3 year old! - but a lot more of it is repressed emotion, & the enormous additional 'hidden task' of managing your H when he's being an arse.

I'm not the only PP who feels your anxiety would become manageable without the constant criticism you endure in your home. However ... even that will become easier when you resolve to take eg the steps in the above bullet points.
You don't need to be thinking in terms of LTB (yet!).
You simply need to start thinking in terms of "how do I get myself what I need to rebuild my strength & personal agency".
You do NOT need H's 'permission' for that btw.

And I suspect the JADE toolkit will be a great resource for you, as you navigate your next steps: outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain