To ask why cheating is so wrong?

[Tandora]

Inspired by another thread, where people are emphatically insisting that no one should need an explanation for why cheating is so wrong.

AIBU to ask for one?

I mean I get that it’s horrible when someone does something behind your back; so the lying aspect of it- I see how that is wrong. But it’s more than that isn’t it? like it’s not just any old lie.. after all people tell lies all the time (including in relationships), yet it seems that cheating is considered almost the worst thing that you can do to someone. But why?

I get that if you’ve committed your life to someone , it’s a betrayal if they suddenly abandon ship for someone else, but why do people get so beyond upset about casual flings, where there’s no intention to leave? Or is it because they are afraid a fling might lead to abandonment?

It seems quite strange to me to be so wound up about what someone else does with their body, and to feel so entitled to control that…

Sooo… can someone explain it to me? I don’t really get the concept. Genuinely..

<Puts on hard hat and ducks for cover 😅>

My question was, why is cheating seen as so much worse: of a different character/ quality than others forms of lying/ betrayal/ disrespect.

I don't think it is always seen as so much worse, but when it is, I think it's because you can lie to, betray and disrespect anyone. But the only person you can cheat on is a partner, which I think means it probably seems like something uniquely hurtful.

I don’t think it’s just the lying and betrayal, though that is a huge part of it. I think it’s the physical intimacy which is supposed to be special and precious in a relationship. You only give yourself completely - including your body - to one person, and it’s devastating to find that they’re happy to do that with someone else. Sex is the most vulnerable, most trusting, most intimate expression of a relationship, so it is the thing that represents the deepest betrayal. The physicality of it matters.

I read the OP differently. I understood it to mean not why is cheating wrong but why is it the ultimate wrong? Why is it worse than getting heavily into debt or worse than completely disengaging from family life by 'needing' to work such long hours.

I hold the unpopular opinion that if the cheat never (and I do mean never, which is perfectly possible if you are smart about things) gets found out, then there isn't any harm.

So, if my husband is sleeping with another woman that I never find out about, including it never affect my life and me never being suspicious, then how can that hurt me?

I am not saying I cheat, I don't. But if I did and he never found out our entire lives, again where's the issue?

So I see nothing wrong with it.

Also precautions must be taken, no STDs, and you are still risking STDs to an extent, but again if that gets passed on then you've been found out and that would be the issue, not the act itself.

It does affect you because he would be putting you at risk without your knowledge or consent. You don't necessarily have to know about something to be harmed by it - he would be a different person to the one you agreed to be in a relationship with, only you'd be living in ignorance of it and that is damaging to your autonomy.

Yes this all makes sense to me, and I think it’s fairly similar to my feelings/ attitude. Only, I guess if my partner did mess up/ lie on occasion I think I would probably find it human/ understandable / forgivable.

Ha thanks. I went to sex ed class, I’m aware of how it all works!

YANBU.

Monogamy is in our genes and so is polyamory.

Look up the differences between our closest mammalian cousins , the chimps and the bonobos ...

It was the introduction of religion that started the guilt that lots of people feel for sth that is perfectly natural.

Masturbation anyone?

Yes all fair points. I was just curious. I’m always interested in trying to understand how other people think/ feel. And given this is such an extremely important / emotive issue for so many people, and such an overwhelming socially dominant norm , and I just can’t really relate to it , I’m especially curious to make sense of it I guess. The range of replies/ perspectives has been really fascinating.
Thanks so much to everyone who has taken the time to comment (minus those who have called me diagnosable/ shallow/ cast aspersions on my relationship / capacity for love),
especially thanks to those who have so rawly and honestly shared their own personal experience ❤️

I think you are kidding yourself to protect yourself tbh. Your ex treated you appallingly, showed a total lack of respect and basic human decency towards you, humiliating you by repeating cheating. I think it’s easier for you to tell yourself you weren’t that bothered than to actually face the hurt and anger.

This way you can tell yourself “I wasn’t a mug for staying I just wasn’t bothered” it’s a narrative that lets you keep your dignity in tact

My life took a nose dive, I was basically gaslighted, told it wasn't happening, I was imagining things, I was left out of decisions about our children's hobbies(it suited him to take them sailing at the club she was in) I was left looking after my own and her children in the holidays, while my husband was 'fellwalking with a friend', and she was 'out shopping' this sort of thing went on for 4 years. I felt as if I was going mad because I couldn't prove anything. The person I had loved and lived with for 20 years had downgraded me to housekeeper.
I have never met someone who has been cheated on, who hasn't had a similar story, with similar repercussions on their happiness and self esteem. Partners don't treat you in the same way if they are shagging someone else, they use all their love and caring upon that person instead of you, and you can feel the difference. If you can't see that, you do have something missing.

I was so angry and resentful at the person I was becoming, for being anxious and lacking trust, that I had to remove myself from the situation.

You did specify cheating, which implies lying, and it is the lying which is the problem.

@failingtomatoes I do have to say i partly agree with that, I have been the cheater but also have been cheated on. My ex cheated, hardly ever worked, did nothing around the house, spent any money he did earn mostly on himself, lied about debts, did drugs and towards the end was out every weekend spending what little money he had or using mine to no doubt do drugs, drink and perhaps cheat more than i realised.

The cheating although devastating as it was, i forgave because i saw it as just physical, completely casual and he took advantage of an opportunity that doesn't often just fall into your lap (excuse the pun) yet the debt, drugs and taking me for granted to pay the bills and run the house was what was worse for me in the end because he repeatedly lied to me about it.

you are making a lot of assumptions/ judgements here which are way off the mark.

You obviously see your flexibility as a strength.

Many see monogamy as strength, the enforcing of boundaries, conditions and respect of self.

I suppose neither is wrong so long as you both sign up for the same package in the beggining.

It's all in the contract.

Completely uncalled for

You were left looking after both of their children? JFC that's low!

It's a huge betrayal, if you have agreed to be in a monogamous relationship, you then have to come to terms with the fact that your partner has been sharing the intimacy you thought was exclusive with other/s, as well as the lying and the emotions they might have shared.
It's very different to being in an open relationship... it's the lying and breaking of trust

@Tandora I think it's the deception that is the issue and the breach of trust.
Distorting someones perception of reality by deceiving them is painful
.

So what if he went and did those things with someone else?

I'm not a big religious fan but its clear that the introduction of Christianity on the whole discouraged people from barbarity and with particularly making killing someone a sin and so on! If you see it less as religion and more of a humanising force then it makes more sense to see restriction of sex within that.

The thing I can't get my head around is, how do you maintain sufficient attraction to still have sex with your partner if he's been (and sorry to be crude) sticking his dick in someone else the previous day? What if he's been "visiting" Mandy on Monday, Sandy on Wednesday, back to Mandy on Friday and yours for the weekend?

I had an ex who thought this kind of thing was ok. I had to explain to him several times that his being married now changed things so much that I no longer found him attractive. I still don't think he gets it and he thinks I'm being unfair (his words were ("thats very judgemental") but I do know that his choice is severely limited. He tried it on with a friend of mine as well (also after he got married) and we laugh about how repulsive he is now. I actually think he deliberately married a woman who would put up with it.

And genital herpes...ugh.

Cheating takes away someone’s right for choice. If you want to be in an open relationship, then fine. But one party being able to have sexual relationships with multiple people whilst the other person is expected to remain faithful and unaware seems unfair, does it not?
Surely it should be a persons right to make an informed decision about the relationship they are in. Cheating and lying takes this choice away.
This makes the cheater a bit of a cunt.

I do see where your coming from.
I've been married almost 10 year - 3 DS's. If my DH had a one night stand; I would not be prepared to end everything we have built of the last 15 years for the sake of one slip up. As long as there were no feelings involved.
I think for most people; it's about the betrayal and lying. The feeling that your 100% in this and the other person isn't.
An affair - where feelings are involved is a whole other matter. Just tell me your not in love any more so we can separate amicably.