To ask why cheating is so wrong?

[Tandora]

Inspired by another thread, where people are emphatically insisting that no one should need an explanation for why cheating is so wrong.

AIBU to ask for one?

I mean I get that it’s horrible when someone does something behind your back; so the lying aspect of it- I see how that is wrong. But it’s more than that isn’t it? like it’s not just any old lie.. after all people tell lies all the time (including in relationships), yet it seems that cheating is considered almost the worst thing that you can do to someone. But why?

I get that if you’ve committed your life to someone , it’s a betrayal if they suddenly abandon ship for someone else, but why do people get so beyond upset about casual flings, where there’s no intention to leave? Or is it because they are afraid a fling might lead to abandonment?

It seems quite strange to me to be so wound up about what someone else does with their body, and to feel so entitled to control that…

Sooo… can someone explain it to me? I don’t really get the concept. Genuinely..

<Puts on hard hat and ducks for cover 😅>

Choice is a very good point, actually!

Taking choice away from someone (i.e. the choice to be in a monogamous relationship) is a rubbish thing to do.

But, then, people take “choice” away from each other everyday.

Apart from all the reasons given already, when you see the devastation it causes your children even as they become adults. Then the heartbreak for your mum dad, siblings and friends who see their loved one brought to their knees.

It's not 'being entitled to control that'; it's trust.
And it's not a 'concept'.

why does romantic love have to be jealous/ possessive/ insecure to be deep or real?

Good God. Do you really think it's jealous/possessive/insecure to prefer your partner not to have sex with other people?

And with reference to an earlier point you made, being attracted to other people is something that happens in long term relationships. Choosing to act on the attraction whether emotionally or physically is a whole different ball game.

What the actual fuck.

Have you ever loved someone, OP?

Don't get me wrong, I don't judge people who have affairs. I've seen friends get involved in situatoins which aren't black and white and end up falling for the wrong people and it gets messy

But to claim you can't possibly understand why cheating is wrong............

How do you feel about murder OP?Dare we ask?

It's rare to have a sexual relationship with someone without emotions being involved on some level (except situations like a ONS with a stranger - even then, the thrill of the illicit heightens emotions). I think that's the main difference between infidelity and say, gambling or drugs etc.

So if you're in a permanent relationship, and haven't had the conversation about the relationship being 'open', your actions, you're being deceitful and grossly unfair. If you want to shag around, at least have the decency to be upfront and honest about it, and allow your SO to decide whether to accept the situation or kick you to the curb.

it depends on how you view sex. People seem to forget the real function of sex, which is baby making. We are instinctively meant to want one mate as females. I for one wouldn’t want my kids walking around calling randomers daddy. Sex isn’t just sex. It’s really important and a very intimate thing that can be ruined with infidelity. Don’t be so blasé about it.

No I don’t think it’s necessarily jealous/ possessive / insecure to not want your partner to sleep with someone else . People are of course entitled to set their own boundaries and could have a myriad of different reasons for doing so.

but I do think it’s bizarre for people to tell me that I don’t really love my partner because I don’t really feel upset by the idea of him having sex with someone else. Why? He’s a sexual person. He had sex before I came along; he’s perfectly capable of finding all sorts of women sexually attractive and enjoying sex with them, I’m sure. I don’t take that personally- why does that automatically mean I don’t love him?

How would he feel if you were sleeping with someone else OP?

Honestly if it doesn’t matter to you or your relationships then it’s pointless explaining to you why it matters to me. I won’t change my mind and neither will you.

I get the whole thing about feeling jealous rage. And feeling anger at being lied to. But for me, I’d completely understand if my husband felt he needed an outlet in whatever form. We have some very difficult family circumstances to contend with. So he would be escaping the package and not necessarily just me. But if it led to abandonment then I’d be furious. The trouble is, while you could consider a fling to be nothing, it could build a sense of responsibility for someone else. Therein lies the trouble

I’m not trying to change your mind! I was asking why cheating is considered to be almost one of the most terrible things you could do to a partner- inspired by some comments on another post declaring that we all understood this and no one should need it explained to them.

This makes sense to me. Sorry that you are going through some difficult stuff as a family.
you sound very grounded 💜

You dont love him because you wouldnt mind breaking his heart.

Sex clearly equals love to you OP, but it doesnt to everyone.

Sorry what? You mean the other way around?

of Course I would mind breaking his heart . That would devastate me.

You uave used the word cheating which suggests that both parties had an expectation that the relationship was exclusive.
If both parties agree to be open, it is not cheating when someone has sex with a person outside the relationship.

If my DH decided to use his freedom to cheat, it is his body and his choice, but I also have the right to choose to leave him. You suggest that a person should not control what another does with their body, but by suggesting the hurt party is wrong to be upset and react, you are intact co trolling what they can do with their body and emotions. Can't have it both ways love....sorry.

*infact controlling

I’m not saying they are wrong to be upset. I’m asking why they are so upset (beyond the ordinary upset we feel when anyone tells a lie/ does something behind our back).

If you're fine with him having sex with other women, then it's not cheating, is it? For people other people who have agreed on monogamy within their relationship it is a big deal when one person breaks that agreement. It is a betrayal. It destroys trust. Things that people value in their relationships. It's really not difficult to understand.

I think perhaps you're a little too 'French' for the mumsnet massive OP ;) I think in the UK we generally have more of a protestant moralising approach to sex and marriage.

For me, I shopped around plenty beforehand and DH is completely aware that I would consider any cheating as an irreversible red line. But looking for someone who shares that outlook was a fundamental part of the search for my life partner.

If you and your OH share a different, but still balanced approach to your commitment to each other - yet allow more leeway for sway from the difficult path of lifelong monogamy, that works pretty well too.

It all falls apart when someone can't keep their trousers on and someone else's life falls to tatters because that's not what they thought they'd signed up for.

Honesty, communication, a matched and balanced approach to what matters in a relationship - these are the precursors to long-term success.

It just sucks for those who value monogamy above all else when they find they have a cheater on their hands!

I'm surprised you don't know. You seem detached and not particularly emotional. It's not really the sex, it's the lack of trust, lack of respect. Most of us are staggered you haven't worked this out yourself / need to ask.

No, you said you cant understand why people say you dont love him when youre happy for him to sleep around. Thats not love.