AIBU to think work isn’t working for us?

[Workingisntworkingforme]

When I had a baby, it never really crossed my mind I wouldn’t work but now I’m in the position where my life is extremely stressful. I’m not necessarily looking for advice on managing that stress, but I would be interested in peoples thoughts.

DS is 17 months and I’m concerned about him. He’s never slept through and frequently refuses to go to bed until late, won’t go back in his cot after waking which happens around midnight after bed at 9, up at 6.

I look awful. I’ve aged ten years in the last 9 months. It’s really taken a toll on me.

Im not doing a brilliant job at work either because of this, I am only just keeping my head above water.

DS is ridiculously clingy because (I think) he doesn’t see enough of me in the week. I go to the toilet he has a tantrum … I do a lot with him but that in itself is so so tiring.

I am really thinking work isn’t working for my family. And I am thinking of the family as a whole here.

I know I’ll get flamed as a lot of you manage it but I’m only talking about me here.

Are you married ?
How many hours do you work now, is there an opportunity to reduce them ?

Can you afford to got part time or to leave work for a while? If so give it a go for a while.

Sounds rough OP. 💐💐💐
I’m guessing you work full time??

To be honest if he has never slept through I would tackle that before anything else. A sleep consultant would be a good place to start. If you give your general location people may be able to give suggestions.
From an outsiders view that looks like the problem, not your job.

It's amazing how insufficient sleep impacts everything else. I agree about sorting his sleep, the clones can be as much from over tiredness.

What childcare are you using? It may be worth trying another one if he's not happy.

If you give up work and he's still not sleeping and is clingy it can be very isolating and hard, work at least gives you an escape from that

I had this too. I stuck it out and was glad I did - it all improved a lot after age 2 and I was glad I still had a career. But I totally get why people pause working for several years or go very part time. I started looking less haggard too.

Do you have a partner, do you both work similar hours / share domestic load? That was the only way I could hack it.

fwiw this is a clingy and tantrummy age. Don’t blame that on you not being there ‘enough’ or feel guilty. If you were home all the time he’d probably be exactly the same.

Have you looked up signs of ADHD in toddlers, are there any other concerns that you have about him? Will your job be easy to get back into when he's older?

Clones= clinginess

Work is tough when you have a toddler.

I definitely aged a lot at that point! It was a common discussion amongst my friends, so a pretty universal experience I reckon.

But - it’s unlikely the clinginess and sleep stuff is solely work-related. Honestly. It’s an age and stage thing. If you give up work I would bet my life you’d still have issues.

As usual, the whole family thing means people are going to ask about how the whole family functions - are you getting enough support? It sounds tough on you but are you getting pressure from your partner too?

I’d give up work as an absolute last resort, because it will create different problems and not necessarily solve the ones you have.

Ds was a bad sleeper too, it is hard. We started cosleeping, with dh in the spare room and everyone got much more sleep and was happier.

It can be difficult to get back into work if you leave completely for too long. Would part time help?

I have looked into a sleep consultant but to be honest I do have reservations. I know one of my friends used one at a great cost and it made no difference, and I don’t think that’s totally unusual. I am a bit cynical though and I know where desperation lies there is money to be made.

If you don't want to pay then give Ferber a go, GP recommended it and it was life changing here

Possibly part time but I think the only way that would really help would be if DS was in childcare while I was off. Which isn’t the point of course!

Yeah, that’s just not effective. I think mostly because he doesn’t actually care if you’re in the room or not, what he wants is to be picked up. I’ve personally found going in and out unsettled him more. It could be there’s some sort of additional need there, I honestly don’t know.

Maybe try to get an appointment with GP and see if they would refer you anywhere (yes I know the waiting times are awful) if you have concerns about behaviour. 1 year old are hard hard work. How is he in childcare ? Take a few days off for yourself while he is in childcare? But ultimately working part time would help...Will work support this and can u afford it ?

But you don't pick them up? So they get the message that they need to settle themselves as you're not going to do it for them. You just lay them back down and leave the room hundreds of times the first couple of nights then it just clicks

I did actually ask to drop a day next year, I think this will go ahead but it hasn’t been confirmed or denied yet. However to be honest it’s a drop in the ocean. I have no idea if our behaviour is exceptionally challenging or if it’s normal - I think probably both, that he’s challenging side of normal if that makes sense? But then if he’s tired behaviour won’t be great either.

@Matchingcollarandcuffs like I say it just doesn’t work. He will just scream and sob for hours. Trust me.

He sounds exactly like my ds. Poor sleeper and extremely clingy even though I was a sahm! Turns out he had sensory issues and did alot of OT, etc. He has mostly outgrown this at age 6.

Could you try going part time? I have a DD that still doesn't sleep well age 4. I work 2 days a week and that's enough that I can cope with being so tired but also gives me my freedom and some time away from her. I had the first 15 months off work with her as well and needed that little break for 2 days by working. I would see if PT is an option first?

I don't think it is that unusual for a 17 month old to be clingy? My DS certainly used to constantly want to be round me (actually he used to wrap himself round me when he got to school age). It's nothing to do with parenting IMO (my other child is not like that) and all to do with personality.

I agree that lack of sleep is the thing making everything seem worse than it is. DS didn't sleep through (i.e. until 5am) until 3.5 by which point I was amazed I was making it through the day. I'd strongly suggest sleep training, which I wish we'd used earlier. I'd also make sure if you have a partner you make sure they are pulling their weight and sharing night wake ups or at least letting you have a lie in on one weekend day. I'd also suggest at least occasionally going to bed at the same time as DC just to catch up on sleep.

In terms of house things - cut your standards to the minimum, have easy to cook quick meals and don't worry about the stuff that can wait. Make it easy for yourself.

I wouldn't give up except as a last resort - this really is a comparatively short phase although it doesn't feel like it when you are living through it.

It's hard OP. Plenty of toddlers are very clingy and don't sleep well if you've never done any form of sleep training. Did you breastfeed? I found this doesn't seem to help with night wakes and the sleep trained we used said that 99% of what she does is habit wakes - kids used to waking up and comfort feeding back to sleep and the needing comfort thing and waking habit remains even when no feeding.

The thing is you don't know its work related. You could quit and still have a clingy toddler who doesn't sleep (he might behave like that because he is tired as well) and be stuck at home still feeling knackered.

I think working with kids is brutal until they're about 2. I know I was so run down it triggered a lot of health conditions and illnesses. But it does get better.

Staying off might be the best thing for your family but you have to think long term as well as short

Yeah, the thing where you're just in the room didn't work for us either op - if anything DD was more upset that we were there and visible but not holding her.

What worked for us was letting her cry for five minutes, then soothing, then letting her cry for ten minutes, twenty, etc., though I don't think we ever got beyond twenty.

I understand your reservation about sleep consultants entirely but you do need to get his sleep sorted one way or another, whether it's through co-sleeping, sleep training or whatever. What you're doing now isn't working so you need to try something else. You'll probably find that once he's getting more sleep and isn't chronically tired, a lot of the clinginess and grumpiness will ease off.

He’s never really been breastfed - wanted to but I was hopeless at it, although I did express milk for him for a few weeks.

It is reassuring people are saying it’s normal but I can’t help but think it’s so miserable for everybody it just doesn’t seem worth it. As I said, I never anticipated not going back to work, but I know I’m depressed and I don’t think I have a happy child either.

Can you afford to stop working for a bit, just enjoy being a sahm until the kid's older?

We can, although obviously it isn’t going to be completely cost - free. I’m just feeling a bit like he’s trying to tell me something and I am not listening.