AIBU to think work isn’t working for us?

[Workingisntworkingforme]

When I had a baby, it never really crossed my mind I wouldn’t work but now I’m in the position where my life is extremely stressful. I’m not necessarily looking for advice on managing that stress, but I would be interested in peoples thoughts.

DS is 17 months and I’m concerned about him. He’s never slept through and frequently refuses to go to bed until late, won’t go back in his cot after waking which happens around midnight after bed at 9, up at 6.

I look awful. I’ve aged ten years in the last 9 months. It’s really taken a toll on me.

Im not doing a brilliant job at work either because of this, I am only just keeping my head above water.

DS is ridiculously clingy because (I think) he doesn’t see enough of me in the week. I go to the toilet he has a tantrum … I do a lot with him but that in itself is so so tiring.

I am really thinking work isn’t working for my family. And I am thinking of the family as a whole here.

I know I’ll get flamed as a lot of you manage it but I’m only talking about me here.

My two children, DS2 and DS3, that wouldn't/couldn't sleep through the night both turned out to be dairy intolerant. There weren't obvious signs of allergy like some children have but neither one slept through the night until we cut out dairy. My DS3 didn't really even smile properly until he stopped having dairy; he was noticeably happier from that point on. They can tolerate some dairy but not milk as a drink and cream isn't great. Pizza or ice cream etc seem to be okay so long as they aren't having dairy every day. Butter is completely fine. This might well not be the case with your child but I thought I'd throw it out there as the symptoms of dairy intolerance can be much more subtle than you might think. When my DS4 was born he was kept off dairy from day one and his sleep was typical rather than the months of prolonged sleepless nights.

Your DS sounds exactly like my nearly 14 month old.

Sleep training isn’t always the answer. My DS doesn’t sleep, wakes every couple of hours. Last two nights it was every hour.

We did controlled crying, and all it did was work him up into a state and he never once settled, despite trying it for a week. We did CIO and he cried until he passed he out. You can imagine how terrifying that was and how guilt ridden I still feel.

Not every baby can be sleep trained. It really depends on the baby temperament.

I am also struggling with balancing work with a DS who doesn’t sleep, and when I’m around wants me and only me. I just want to cry all the time, as no one really understands what it’s like no matter how much I tell family and friends I’m utterly exhausted. I know it will eventually get better, but when?!

We also hired a sleep consultant - waste of money.

Every baby is different and what works for one doesn’t necessarily work for another, and it drives me nuts how many people don’t appreciate that.

I genuinely don’t know if there is an additional need there or not. I suppose I am inclined to think not, no one has raised concerns, he seems to be developing along a reasonably normal trajectory (sorry for my use of the word normal, but you know what I mean) and he makes eye contact, etc. no major flags.

But, he has changed. He was a gentle, fairly contended baby, he has always been clingy but for a long time he didn’t appear to mind particularly who was holding him as long as someone was. Now he’s very very attached to me.

Tantrums are normal and all my friends have said this. But he does seem to get worked up and then forget what the original tantrum was about but carries on crying and whinging - we went to the park yesterday and I wouldn’t let him chase ducks (obviously nothing malicious at this age but he thinks they are there to be cuddled and reasonably enough the ducks don’t agree) so he had a huge tantrum but carried on wailing for ages and ages. It can make you a bit jittery and edgy with the best will in the world.

My own parents both always worked FT, I can’t say I minded but I also don’t know if it was what was best for our family. It’s impossible to say.

I know there are two versions of me - there’s one that wants to hold him close and there’s one that wants to desperately have some space. I think that’s why I am reluctant to go down the co sleeping route - I sleep very poorly when he’s asleep with me (for a small person, he really is incredibly skilled at taking up the whole bed!) and he also likes to sleep ON me or pressed right up to me, and it’s a bit hot and suffocating and I can’t move around easily. I often wake really stiff and sore when DS has been in with me. But maybe I’ll just have to do it for a while and try the cot again in a few weeks.

This does sound a lot like my DS1 - he didn't sleep through until he was 3 - and even then, that was in a bed in the same room (I was just grateful that we'd got him out of our bed now he was getting big). And he'd crawl in with us at about 5 for a cuddle and feed. I'd be sitting in with him for an hour waiting for him to go to sleep (which is where I got my still as a statue and ninja skills). I still remember the first evening when he went to sleep quickly, and I was in the living room at 7:30 wondering what to do

I will say, that when he was 3, it was like a switch - suddenly he just went to bed, rolled over and slept through to morning (always an early riser - even now he's nearly a teenager though - I recommend teaching them to make their own breakfast!).

I was freelance, so always available, but still he wanted to spend every waking hour with me if he could, following me around like a duckling, sitting up at my desk with me etc. I assure you he's not like that now - in fact he couldn't wait to get to school.

The only thing about the work is, once you're out, it can be hard to get back in, and it is risky for you pensions and career-wise. If you can push through, then I would (I thank my lucky stars I did, as it meant I could split from ex with no financial worries when his behaviour became un workable)

@BrunoMadrigal same and on the admittedly very occasional ‘good’ night we have you can settle him far faster by going promptly into him. At the moment though nothing is settling him. I got really angry last night (I left the room) and I had to go outside to calm down (and swore at an owl for scaring me, just to show how sane I am just now).

once I was calm I could deal with it

My eldest didn’t ‘sleep through’ until 3ish and even then it wasn’t every night. School definitely tired him out and it did end eventually. My second isn’t great though.

I have a busy career but work part time. I have the kind of job you can’t just walk away from for a few years and I persevered through the tiredness and I’m glad I did now and kept things ticking along. I did consider quitting though and if I could have taken a couple of years out and got back in then I would have. He was so clingy a nursery and a childminder said they couldn’t have him. I was distraught at the time!

Just so you know he’s absolutely fine now- not a single tear was shed at school drop off and some of the kids who had been in full time childcare were crying for weeks. I don’t understand it!

OP - I think it speaks volumes that despite a million questions upthread you've not told us about the family situation more generally.

I.e. are you married? How is childcare divided? What about chores? What does your partner / husband think about you stopping work?

I agree with everyone that you have a sleep issue, not a work issue. I'm not sure that I see how giving up work would change that.

If you're working full time (and dad is on the scene) you should be sharing night feedings. Especially since you say baby isn't breast fed. It sounds like you're doing them all at the moment. Why is that?

The advice will change depending on your family situation. So:

• if you are married AND
• if your DH is happy to be sole earner AND
• if he's prepared to share money equally and pay into a pension for you AND
• if you can reasonably pick work back up after a break

Then sure. Be a SAHP. Plenty of women do. I don't think it will help with the sleep issue (sleep training or co-sleeping might, but you seem reluctant to try and tackle the sleep).

Other solutions could be you BOTH dropping to part time / compressed hours so you split the load.

• If you are unmarried and dad is on the scene.

Get married first. Then follow steps above to decide.

If you can't or won't get married then being a SAHP could be extremely risky. Your entitlements when you split up are CMS. That's it. If you bought a home together you would also get your portion of that back.

But no share of pension, savings, earnings. No mechanism to get more equity to make up a shortfall.

Resentment over one person's work / SAHP / money decisions is a massive trigger for separation, so it's a huge gamble giving up work with little protection.

I absolutely wouldn't advise this route without getting married first (even if a quickie registry ceremony).

If you are a single parent (and not independently wealthy)

• from age 2, you are expected to look for work to receive UC.
• you could look at leaving work now and applying for the benefit, but you need to do your sums. You may well be significantly worse off.
• you'll only get six months - and then you'll be expected to get a job. Only you know how easy that will be.

If you're independently wealthy and don't need income from employment then obviously do what you want.

Has OP still not mentioned the child’s father, or if she’s married?

Obviously don’t go part time if you’re unmarried.

Dd had the worst sleep regression at 18 months old. We had to ride it out in the end, but it was hell.

We had 2, one a sleeper and the eldest omg.
From the minute she was born, she was needy, clingy, cluster fed, walking from 8 months, and she wouldn't nap. Screamed the house down at night for attention, toddler yrs nightmares, broken sleep.
I remember being stood in the shower with her during one night terror episode.
On and on for 4 yrs.
Then she started school and she stopped.
Now she's 11 she sleeps like the proverbial log, laidback and kind.

I agree the advice will be completely different depending on your family situation

If you do have a partner he should be doing the nights 50/50, if you are both working FT

No advice, but it’s only because of being able to WFH permanently (one of the good things to come out of Covid) that I’m actually still in work myself. pre-Covid I was struggling (long commute was dreadful)

Personally, I'd ride it out but completely understand if you can't handle it. Mine sleep very well but it's still hellish a lot. For me, this situation is preferable to being stuck at home with mine all the time. I work in an area with a skills shortage so that takes the pressure off being a slightly unreliable employee.

Sleep is key. You're both tired.

Sorry to hear you’re struggling at the moment OP.

Is there an option to go part-time at work so that you can free up a bit of time. Is this your first DC? If so, virtual hug 💐 it’s not easy and nobody can prepare you for the shock to your system that is motherhood.

Awesome input! OP, the issue is that you’re both tired and sleep is key 👍🏻

Either your marriage is in trouble, your partner is useless, or both (due to no mention of him except an occasional "we"). In that situation the last thing you should do is jeapordise your income long-term by giving up work or going part-time.

Lack of sleep is so so hard and i've totally been where you have been. Nothing you've mentioned about your DS sounds like there are additional issues to me but that doesn't mean its not hard.

I agree tackling the sleep is probably going to have the biggest impact. In the meantime do you have holidays you can take from work or some unpaid leave to give yourself a break? Even if you can have a day a week for a few weeks it would allow you to catch up on some sleep and just do a few things for yourself?

My boy sounds similar to yours. Sleep training 100% sent him the other way and we had a long time trying to undo the damage. What did help was putting him in a big bed and then lying next to him for him to fall asleep - he would go to sleep much calmer and stay asleep for longer spells. My husband and I would then take it in turns to sleep in with him - to start with from when we went to bed but then just from the first wake. We are now having regular spells where he sleeps until half 5 before we hear a peep!

Also if he's missing you during the day it makes sense he's battling going to bed a bit at night. I work 4 days rather than 5 so we have one full day together. I think it makes a difference!

Good luck OP x

I have had two shit sleepers, both of whom were Velcro babies/toddlers. I co slept with both and still sleep with my youngest who has just turned 3. You might find your DS is less clingy to you in bed once he knows you will stay there and it's a regular thing. I don't like sleep training (it's just not for me) so tried a few gentle methods but dropped them pretty quickly when they made no difference at all.

I work in a professional, stressful, client facing job 4 days a week. It's hard, you feel as though you no longer have agency over your own body, as though everybody wants a piece of you 24 hours a day, touched out, it's really tough mentally. It does change though and in quite a short time frame all things considered, this is not forever. Deciding to co-sleep for now doesn't mean it has to be something you do for years but if it works you might find you prefer it to the alternative (that's been the case for me!)

Have you considered taking some parental leave? It's unpaid but might give you a breather without making a permanent decision. Then you can reassess.

www.gov.uk/parental-leave

I could have written a similar post. I was convinced that DD was so clingy because I was working FT and she didn’t see enough of me. Then lockdown happened and she saw me 24/7 but was just as clingy!

Sleep deprivation is the worst and everything looks bleaker. Is it possible to arrange a couple of uninterrupted nights of sleep - with your partner or other family perhaps? That might help.

Can you both go part time OP (or work compressed hours)? 4 days a week each?
A bit left field, perhaps, but the families I see where each parent spent at least a day a week with the DC seem the happiest - perhaps because you're really on the same page and pulling together then, and for any problems you've got two heads!

I am going to go against the majority here and say that if you can afford to give up work do it. If you are less tired and stressed you will be able to deal with everything better. Yes getting back to work can be hard but it sounds like you and your child would benefit from some time together. Good luck

You are right that it is punishingly hard with a non sleeping toddler. You sound exhausted.

Where is DS when you are working? Is it meeting his developmental needs and your practical needs (you need to be properly free while he is in childcare so you get some headspace - a good childminder is ideal for this)

What makes you happy (generally) and feel like you - does your job do this? (In normal circumstances). If so you need the right support in place to be able to keep it
and also to be able to look after your own physical and mental health.

What is DC other parent doing?

Everything is a stage with raising children so things will change, eventually he will start to sleep but will have a new challenge up his sleeve.