AIBU to think work isn’t working for us?

[Workingisntworkingforme]

When I had a baby, it never really crossed my mind I wouldn’t work but now I’m in the position where my life is extremely stressful. I’m not necessarily looking for advice on managing that stress, but I would be interested in peoples thoughts.

DS is 17 months and I’m concerned about him. He’s never slept through and frequently refuses to go to bed until late, won’t go back in his cot after waking which happens around midnight after bed at 9, up at 6.

I look awful. I’ve aged ten years in the last 9 months. It’s really taken a toll on me.

Im not doing a brilliant job at work either because of this, I am only just keeping my head above water.

DS is ridiculously clingy because (I think) he doesn’t see enough of me in the week. I go to the toilet he has a tantrum … I do a lot with him but that in itself is so so tiring.

I am really thinking work isn’t working for my family. And I am thinking of the family as a whole here.

I know I’ll get flamed as a lot of you manage it but I’m only talking about me here.

This isn't a work problem, it's a 'my child won't sleep problem', and quitting your job won't solve that.

I'd suggest sleep training (worked miracles for us) but you sound like you're against that so... shrug?

If you can reduce your hours i would go with this option.
Your toddler's sleep will improve in the relatively short term (even if it feels like a life time away), but stepping out career-wise completely can impact upon you long term.
I know you may here women say 'Oh but I stepped out and took 7 years off and then found a permanent part-time flexible position on my trained field....' but this is rare to get after being out of the workforce.

"And yet there is a mental health crisis in this country with unprecedented numbers of teenagers & young adults with anxiety and depression. How do you know this isn’t linked to ‘detached’ parenting styles which use cry it out etc sleep training methods."

I've seen some wild, fact-free speculation about all kinds of things on this forum, but wow, we have a new winner.

Of course the mental health crisis in young people probably has nothing to do with a fucked economy, a housing crisis and the relentless pressures of social media... no, it must down to being sleep trained as a baby! 😆

Bless you, you sound like a lovely mummy. Rest assured this is a particularly clingy stage and they can find things very difficult and want lots of mummy reassurance. I was back at work by this stage and it was a case of battling through. But all was ok. I just gave all the reassurance requested by my DD and it settled.

It is hard OP. Hopefully your work colleagues are nice and you can talk to them about it. I found that helpful. I was also very transparent with my boss.

Speaking from a personal point of view, spending that time with mine has been so precious.
Had not working situation forced upon me because covid and work disappeared - self employed. I found that I actually really loved 'being a Mum' rather than juggling everything and doing everything by halves which I'd never been able to do ever since she was born.
It also gave DH breathing space so her could have some of the fun part of being a Dad rather than have to be part of the juggling act. The whole thing just works for us and I have an amazingly loving DD who's thriving.
I would try and stay part time for your own sanity as admittedly sometimes I wish I could escape but on the whole it just works for us as a family.

Being scared or in pain are hardly the only reasons a baby doesn't sleep. When they get to his age it's more likely because they just want to be with you. Ultimately you can be as skeptical about sleep training as you like, it's never going to help if you won't even try it? There's a WORLD of difference between cry it out and controlled crying or rapid return, for example.

Your careful skirting round the questions about your family leads me to believe you have a useless partner who is quite happy for you to work full time and never do any of the night times. If this is true, I would urge you to take a couple of days away, in a hotel or visiting family, and allow him/her to deal with your son.

Ultimately though, giving up work will solve the immediate problem in that you can nap during the day, but when you're feeling less hopeless, you'll regret giving up work completely.

Ferber worked amazingly for us!!! it was a really rough 4/5 days until it kicked in. Its not about him not caring if you're in the room or not, its easing his anxiety that you are gone and not coming back, give it a good try it might surprise you.

Sleep deprivation is absolutely brutal, is there anyone who can pitch in so you can get some rest?

I think a lot of toddlers are quite clingy at this age, it’s not necessarily because of anything in particular, it is just a phase. I know of toddlers who are with family full time rather than nursery and they are still clingy. End of day they are toddlers and work in mysterious ways

Generally you seem to be attributing a lot of normal toddler behaviour to you being back at work. Eg he is now boisterous instead of gentle. He is a toddler! Toddlers are boisterous whether you work or not.

by all means don’t work if that’s not what you want though - it may be better for you and your family - but I’m not sure he suddenly won’t be boisterous because you give up work

Thanks for the responses. I’m skimming a bit so may miss stuff.

I am married, and while I do feel DH could possibly be a bit more helpful, I will say the night thing isn’t his fault: he would share the wakings but DS just gets hysterical if he goes in. He only wants me. Weirdly, I’m reminded of a dog we had as children - he would only obey commands from my dad! It isn’t that DH doesn’t try, just that DS goes a bit bananas.

With that being said, DH could be a bit more helpful generally. It’s a salutary lesson if anyones reading this on or about to go on maternity leave - I did everything in that period, I ended up with a ridiculously long maternity leave due to lockdown and then not being permitted into work due to being in tri 3 so ended up home from 28 weeks. I did everything: hoovering, washing, cleaning, tidying, and guess what - that’s continued. And that’s something I need and want to deal with but I’m not doing it yet as we’re mid house move, everything’s chaotic, everything is stressful.

My plan is to drop a couple of days at work, to get a cleaner and to draw up a list of tasks that need doing everyday and every week and make sure they are reasonably fair. I’m not anal about everything being exactly 50 / 50, but I do feel things are one sided at the moment.

@IDontLikeMondays88 definitely, I have these images in my head as I guess we all do. I imagined myself sitting by my toddler and teaching him the names of the ducks, instead I am frantically wrestling him away from being pecked alive by a flock of geese; I imagined sitting and reading stories with him and instead I am being bashed around the head with said book!

But I do think he needs and wants a bit more of my time, it’s finding ways of ensuring he has it in a way that’s kind but doesn’t leave me broken on 3 hours sleep.

My first didn’t respond well to CC. So we did the disappearing chair technique, admittedly he was 2.5 so he had a good level of comprehension but that made a huge difference in 3 days and we had cracked bedtime (putting him to bed and leaving the room) and then nightwakings by day 5.

Theres loads of different methods.

My youngest is the sitting on even next to child and honestly. I don’t think she needed more of my time in fact I think she needed me less as I said I was a sahm. Now she’s anxious to leave me I was her comfort blanket and that’s fine but covid stoped her preschool year before reception, covid interrupted her first year at school. Every morning she doesn’t want to leave me even now at 6 years old. She had no so far thought to be special needs but she was just so so used to always being with my she struggles to leave me every school morning, it’s a good day if she doesn’t cry and only has a sore or nervous tummy but she does most mornings.

personally I think she would of been far better if she hadn’t been home with me so much.

With sleep. We would hold hands or back or tummy rub till asleep to start with, then moved to just sitting by the bed, then sitting in the room, then by the door, then leaving the door open. She still comes down downstairs mutilple times upto around 10pm but we just tuck her back up and that’s it. Good night love you and shut the door again.

In light of your most recent update, reducing or giving up work seems like a drastic response to your situation when surely the first thing to tackle is your DH’s lack of input into the drudgery that can be family life. Please don’t delay and speak to him asap - it’s your DH that isn’t currently working out for you, not work.

Op if you gave up work or went part time would it impact your career negatively? - just something to consider a friend of mine had huge difficulties getting back into their career after taking a break for children.

It is shit op, I feel for you, try the other things first

Through the various stages of early years, home life changes dramatically. It's easy to keep on top of tidying when it's a three month old that snoozes where you left them, and their toys go into a drawer. Toddlers are crazy, messy, sticky, energetic and it quickly turns the house into chaos - even with two parents doing their best to keep on top of it.

Your husband needs to do more. You are bending over backwards to do more when really, he should be stepping up a bit more before that stage. Honestly, read back your posts and you'll see it. You've already done all the maternity care, and housework within that time. You dropped a day of work. Now you want to drop more work to cope but what is HE doing to pull his weight before you affect your own earning potential, pensions etc? Get that tackled first, then when he's at the same frazzled point you are, then look at what you both can do to ease this frantic phase.

But don't just keep finding ways to do more and more at your own expense when your husband is swanning around.

My DP was very hands on, brilliant actually, but there were times where he would naturally let me take the lead and it led to me taking on more than my share, so I had to just gently nudge it back every once in a while to an equal footing. I didn't do it because I couldn't cope with it, I did it because he needs to do as much as I do with our home and child.

With respect OP you sound like you are finding your toddler hard work and challenging, that’s ok, I did with my son at that age too. In fact now I marvel when we have a lovely trip out without drama because it’s such a contrast to where we were about 6months ago. He is still full on and boisterous but much more amenable and capable of communicating his needs and in turn, I can explain things to him a little better avoiding tantrums.

But I think if you’re in that space where it’s all getting a bit much, the worst thing you can do is give up work (unless you can still afford childcare, in which case, crack on) as I would imagine you’ll soon find it even more over whelming when you’re having to be the one constantly entertaining him. Toddlers are exhausting!

So my youngest did this. Initially I would just wake up and bring her into bed with me. She woke at anytime between 12-4. Then she’d go back to sleep.

at about 18-20 months I just did cry it out. First night 25 mins crying, seconds 17 third maybe 2 mins then that was it!

still a clingy 6 year old and wants to sit on me and be cuddled all the time! Still 50 million sleep crutches (a song, prayer and cuddles) but self settles and sleeps through !

Just to say, my super hardwork, non-sleeping, non-self-entertaining, sleeptraining refusenik toddler is now a 15 year old who is quite happy for me to be at work to finance his spends and holidays. He sleeps for England as well.

I have been there, it's hard but don't give up work completely, try to downshift to part time and hang in there. It goes quickly. This too shall pass.

Are you a single parent? Have you other kids to work around or is it just DS?

For some reason that froze and took ages to post.

I think back to that first year after Mat leave and I honestly don't know how I coped, my son still woke multiple times at night for feeds. I found bringing him into our bed after the first waking the best way to get the most rest.

I'm glad I stuck through it, he still doesn't sleep through at 5 but now he just snuggles in with us at 4am or whenever he wakes, and we all get up when the alarm goes off.

It was really difficult but I've managed to keep momentum in the progression of my career and haven't had the stall in pay rises that would occur if I had taken 4 years off till he started school.

My son was like that OP and I’m a sahm, working as well as dealing with it would have broken me!!

The simple truth is some babies are like that, and those who didn’t have a baby like that will advise you to train it etc but for some babies that does not work. I tried everything!!! Many times!!! He started to sleep naturally through the night at age 3.

My cousin has 4 kids, all raised the same but his second child is like this and the others aren’t.

You get what you get… If you need to sahm to help the family, do it.

Also google high needs children, and dealing with sensitive children, as he’s going to have very strong emotional reactions to things when he’s older.

But he will love you more deeply than you can imagine… Sensitive kids are intense.

Ps I recommend bed-sharing for more sleep.