AIBU to think work isn’t working for us?

[Workingisntworkingforme]

When I had a baby, it never really crossed my mind I wouldn’t work but now I’m in the position where my life is extremely stressful. I’m not necessarily looking for advice on managing that stress, but I would be interested in peoples thoughts.

DS is 17 months and I’m concerned about him. He’s never slept through and frequently refuses to go to bed until late, won’t go back in his cot after waking which happens around midnight after bed at 9, up at 6.

I look awful. I’ve aged ten years in the last 9 months. It’s really taken a toll on me.

Im not doing a brilliant job at work either because of this, I am only just keeping my head above water.

DS is ridiculously clingy because (I think) he doesn’t see enough of me in the week. I go to the toilet he has a tantrum … I do a lot with him but that in itself is so so tiring.

I am really thinking work isn’t working for my family. And I am thinking of the family as a whole here.

I know I’ll get flamed as a lot of you manage it but I’m only talking about me here.

The thing is, giving up work won't solve the problem which is the fact that neither of you are getting enough sleep.

Do you have a DH that can take over and at least give you a night off? Go to a hotel or something and just sleep?

Not muh to add other than remember it doesn't have to be a decision that you'll never go back to work. It could be a decision that right now, you can't, and you will review it in 6 months' time. This could well be a phase that you will get through.

OP this was me, except I had 2 of them, I was honestly so tired I wanted to die to get some peace. I looked a felt 100 years old and I was trying to be everything to everyone. It took its toll in a big way, I reduced my hours. My ex DH was utterly useless too.

Please know it does get better, it's really hard at the minute but please don't leave yourself vulnerable financially.

Where is your DH/DP in all of this? You say it's not working for your family but what are you doing as a family. Sharing housework, nursery pickup etc?

Yes, removing work from your things to do will be less stressful. Can you afford it? Are you married? Does your DH support this emotionally as well as financially?

You need to sort out the sleep issues before he’s in a bed and can get out when he wants. Also it’s amazing the difference a good night’s sleep can make. Talk to your health visitor, and try to find a sleep consultant. Don’t throw in the towel at work yet, see if you can get through this first. He’ll get more clingy if you take him out of nursery. Hopefully it’s just a phase he’s going through.

My youngest is 12 so my memory is fuzzy. By his age mine were out of cots and in cotbeds. We had middle of the night visitors instead who just wanted to sleep with us. We all got enough sleep and it worked. They grow out of it.

You do sound frazzled, and feels like something needs to change.

I was going to say exactly this. Do you have a partner? If so the first thing that needs to happen is that this becomes a joint problem, not just yours.

I think giving up work is a quick fix to a bigger problem.

I was a sahm and my youngest would be sat right next to me but demand cuddles on my lap because already partly sitting on me wasn’t enough. If you went upstairs she went upstairs etc I think it’s just something a lot of children go though be being at home or working wouldn’t of changed that. She took around 5 goes to get into and stay into bed and then for years would be up by 5am wanting in our bed.

it’s just something you tend to power though and work out what little changes make a big difference. Firstly for you sleep. Then the constant wanting to be held. Also get some outside eyes your child may have additional needs which could be making it even harder which require more than just stopping work will fix it.

I had a clingy, screamy non-sleeping one too.
(With DC2 & DC3 I sleep training at 16 weeks and they slept beautifully - and still do).
I tried to go back to work full-time and failed! Too knackered. I think I managed 6 weeks. I then got a part-time job locally and he went to nursery my 2 work days, plus an extra so I could have a rest.
BTW he's 16 now and still a bit clingy, but nothing really wrong with him.

How much total sleep is he getting per day? How much in naps and how much at night?

Regarding work, dropping a day might help more than you think. I'd go all in and try for 2 days, plus gave him at nursery in the mornings; that would give you some regular recovery time.

A toddler who doesn't sleep well is normal unfortunately, I definitely wouldn't be looking into an assessment for special needs just because of that. Give a sleep consultant a go, they're not life changing ime but they can improve things.

My opinion on the OP is that mothers need financial independence, and that means working of you're not independently wealthy. However, I do think that with children (of whatever age) a full time job with a long commute, where the child is in childcare from 8am-6pm and doesn't spend any time at home that isn't taken up by meals or getting ready to go out or ready for bed, isn't feasible. It's too much stress for the parents but also for the child (I think this gets overlooked on MN).
Ideally, IMO the children shouldn't spend more than 8 hours in childcare, and that doesn't leave time for a FT job unless you have a partner who works different hours to you. If both parents work the same hours, then both should go PT or condense their hours to minimise the need for childcare.

I realise not all families can do this and I don't judge anyone who has to put their DC in childcare for 10 hours 5 days a week, but I think it's hard on the children and the parents.
In an ideal world, working FT would mean 30 hours with full pay. I can't see that happening though unfortunately.

You mention what’s best for the family as a whole. Who else makes up your family and what is the split looking like between you of nights, lie-ins, drop offs/pickups, cooking, cleaning, getting time alone at weekends etc looking like?

Only even consider giving up work if you're married, claiming CB in your name, and your partner is prepared to pay into a pension for you monthly.

I only managed to go back to work proper once my youngest was 3. I know loads of people can manage it all, but I couldn't and had other options. It was well worth the years of counting pennies and working weekends to me.

I know everyone is different and I for certain am very bad with managing stress, but women who manage to work standard hours or shifts with young children seem superhuman to me. I'm sure a lot of them don't have any choice in the matter, but I worked myself into a mental breakdown trying to do the same.

It’s a horrid, hard age OP. Ride it out, you will get through this. Tbh it’s good that you work, you are showing your kid that you don’t exist solely for him, and one day he will be old enough to understand that.

Op, I'm a full time sahm with two young ones who sleep fairly ok and it's still bloody exhausting - and I'm not even in full time employment! So start by cutting yourself some slack, it sounds really tough and you dont (finances allowing) need to do both if you don't want to (finances allowing).

On MN you get 90% of people saying they would never be financially dependent on someone and that's the main reason why they work FT when they have young kids. Some will admit they have no choice financially. Some are in abusive relationships so must work to see a way out (that's a different story though isn't it).

Providing you are not being controlled at home by your partner, and providing you can afford it - I really don't see what's wrong with stopping work and focusing on motherhood with a young child and regaining some of your old self... building up healthier sleeping habits and starting to feel like yourself again.

I personally couldn't imagine working FT with young children. It would be too stressful mentally - although I would be able to switch off for 8 hours 5 days a week and eat/go to the toilet in peace etc... it's definitely not all plain sailing being a FT sahm. It can also be draining emotionally with constant demands, so I've learned how to say no. Not listen to nagging. And hold firm boundaries.

Ignore those who say you can't possibly pause your career. Do what your gut is telling you to do.

Feminist here really look down on others who don't work and feel like they deserve a medal for doing childcare and working FT. It's swings and balances at the end of the day. They aren't looking after their kids all week every day every month of the year so it's not accurate to think they are 'doing more'. But if you're not sleeping well and neither home life nor work life is going well then something isn't working.

Likewise, sahp aren't having to worry about work/bringing in money/getting to work on time etc so there are positives and negatives in both arguments.

I don’t know if giving up work is the answer either

I have a 1 year old too and tbh I sometimes fine the days I have off in the week with her more difficult then the days I go to work - i feel awful saying that as I work 3.5 days so we have more time together. but honestly work sometimes feels easier

those days im off when I’m doing 100% childcare alone, sorting her food out etc is hard and I find leaving the house difficult sometimes with her.

how do you find the days you are home alone with him? Do you enjoy it ?

Well, you do have to believe someone can help you in order for them to help you!

Wrt the picking up - he screams to be picked up because that’s what he wants, and it is effective. A good sleep consultant will see what is happening and give you individualised strategies that you can follow. Generic advice isn’t going to help you and books won’t give you strength in the middle of the night! They also won’t be able to get a partner on board, whereas a sleep consultant can give them a talking to!

I think it would help if you answered the question about whether you’re with his father.
It would change my advice.
If the father is there and you’re still this tired, then he’s not doing enough. Which, sadly considering the tiredness, makes stopping working much more of a risk.

I agree with others about age and stage though, and it’s nothing you’re doing wrong. I person wouldn’t sleep train, but co-sleep. And no, I didn’t make a rod for my own back! My teen who breastfed to sleep and then co-slept until 7 (which we both loved) won’t even let me in her bedroom now.

I am a SAHM (I hate that phrase!) to a 17 month old who sleeps relatively well. I had a 20 year career before I had my son and I chose to pause it for a few years - tbh I think my husband would have happily paused his but he earns more!
Our lives are busy but manageable - if he has a disturbed night, I can cope knowing I can nap in the day when he does. Makes a huge difference to all of us as we are able to adjust and manage getting some sleep. My husband is amazing though, he does more than his share as well as working full time in a stressful job.

What I'm trying to say is that there are a few factors at play as to how we make our life easier and me not working helps enormously, as does the fact that my husband and I are a team and support each other continously.

We dont have a lot of money but we did plan for this stage by buying a house we could afford on one salary.

If your situation as a whole allows for you (or a partner if you have one) to take a step back from work either FT or PT then yes, I think it does really help in the early years. Just as a different view point.

Its not unusual for a child to be clingy.

Although is part time work an option? I discovered my children really liked routine and, for a bit, did 8 -1.00. My DH dropped at childcare and I picked up. Then me and my child had a nap together before doing things like a walk or the park. It was a pain in terms of commute and slightly raised childcare costs compared to different part time patterns I had done but everyone was happier.

Will he sleep in your bed with you?

We said the first two years are about getting as much sleep as possible, however that may be. I coslept with all of mine. They all transferred into a bed (I never owned a cot) between 2 and 2.5 years when we felt they were ready. All have been happy to go to bed since they transferred - one has a night light.

my friend has just transferred her boys aged 1.5 and 2.5 after doing the same and they have settled into their beds well.

You don't mention your partner at all. Are you together? If you are, he should be doing 50% of this. Is he thinking about giving up work? Is he thinking of going down in hours?

Frankly if he is NOT pulling his weight, physically and mentally, and all this is on your shoulders, all the more reason not to give up work and your own financial independence, because you might need it some day.

Your baby is fine. Nothing is wrong except that he knows that if he yells enough, you will pick him up. And you're so tired, you haven't got the mental energy to do anything else. You need to maybe take a couple of days off work so you don't have the anxiety of an alarm going off in 3 hours time, and without any arguments from your partner, actively sleep train your baby. It will take 3 - 4 nights and there will be a LOT of yelling and you will feel dreadful, but then it is DONE.

Or, as many others have said, bring in a sleep consultant to help you. You can't prefer to give up your actual job (and 10's of thousands of pounds a year) to trying a couple of hundred quid on bringing in some help, surely?

Bless you, it sounds a bit relentless at the minute. Here’s what I think I would try:

1. From tonight, you and your partner take it in turns to cover the evening shift. The other one uses their evenings off to go to bed early, have a long shower, go out for a run- whatever fills your tank and makes you less depleted.


2. Escalate your request to drop down to four days with work if you can- or even three days.


3. Start booking some annual leave- either a day a week or two half days a week, till that’s sorted. You need the time now.

Concentrate on recharging yourselves, so that you can then in turn concentrate on your baby when you’re around. Make it a proper household focus for the next month or two and then review. If it still isn’t working, you can resign, but if things are a bit better, you haven’t burned any bridges.

Hang in there 💐