AIBU to think work isn’t working for us?

[Workingisntworkingforme]

When I had a baby, it never really crossed my mind I wouldn’t work but now I’m in the position where my life is extremely stressful. I’m not necessarily looking for advice on managing that stress, but I would be interested in peoples thoughts.

DS is 17 months and I’m concerned about him. He’s never slept through and frequently refuses to go to bed until late, won’t go back in his cot after waking which happens around midnight after bed at 9, up at 6.

I look awful. I’ve aged ten years in the last 9 months. It’s really taken a toll on me.

Im not doing a brilliant job at work either because of this, I am only just keeping my head above water.

DS is ridiculously clingy because (I think) he doesn’t see enough of me in the week. I go to the toilet he has a tantrum … I do a lot with him but that in itself is so so tiring.

I am really thinking work isn’t working for my family. And I am thinking of the family as a whole here.

I know I’ll get flamed as a lot of you manage it but I’m only talking about me here.

With all the kindness in the world, I am wondering if this is your problem. We all have ideals in our head before we have children, but the reality is the toddler phase is really really rough and not at all the idealistic view that is pictured on social media, the so called 'mumfluencers' have made parenting seem really difficult. My toddler is impossible most days, its 95% hard work - but the 5% that isn't makes everything else worthwhile, and if people were more honest about that then life would be a lot easier.

When you say your son wont settle for your husband, you need to push that, get him to settle him and you get some rest, you need rest, you need sleep and it is up to your husband to pitch in and ensure this happens.

If you go part time for a bit, can you easily go back to FT later? Will your career suffer?

I ask because you see this SO MUCH here on MN

Woman does everything while on maternity, then goes back to work FT and still does nearly everything because husband won't step up
Eventually totally burns out and goes PT or gives up work
Career never fully recovers while husband's career takes off
Then he's the 'breadwinner' so everything in the household has to revolve around his needs

Please think very carefully before doing anything with work. I'd try getting your husband to step up first and see how that helps.

They can drastically change. I had one who was clingy, that is the one who has worked in India and Africa, been to North and South America, North Africa, Australia, Russia, honestly I can't think where she hasn't been. The other 3 very confident non clingy children haven't been nearly as adventurous as adults.

would you co sleep with him. just you and him in his bed? I can't even imagine how you're functioning with broken sleep

Have a look at calm and bright sleep on Instagram. They are very open and are happy for you to DM them without being on a paid plan. They get back to you really quickly. I honestly swear by them (I'm in no way affiliated with them, just like to share something that's worked for me).

This is interesting. How long did it take for sleep to improve once they stopped eating dairy?

I knew there would be a useless husband waiting in the wings to be excused.

You’ve said your H could do more: sounds like he could do a LOT more!

your posts v much sound like you’re single and regard it as your job to do everything night and day. You’ve gone down a dark road and your H hasn’t treated you well on all this.

your DS will be fine if your H regularly does some of the night parenting!

Well yes, he’ll be fine as in nothing ill will befall him, but it won’t actually improve my quality of life at all because I will be lying awake for hours listening to a crying child.

I also have an exceptionally unsympathetic workplace who are ‘relentless in their pursuit of outstanding’ and other such ‘read between the lines’ policies.

Can I also just add that whilst I am long way past this stage now. By ds was almost identical to yours. I was holding down a big job long commute and had gone back to work after 5 months May leave (told you it was a long time ago)
When ds was about 19 months I reached out to millpond. I don't know if they still exist. But my dh had a new role so was going to be away travelling lots, plus ds still hadn't slept through and I did all of the night wakings.

We couldn't afford in any way for me to reduce hours or give up work.

The sleep training was nothing like people have talked about here. I wasn't prepared to cio but was happy when he woke in the night and cried to leave him for 30 secs go in and soothe him then leave him for 45 secs and then went back going up to no more than 90 secs in total.

It took 3 nights only.... it was gentle he was soothed and on my terms.

Please don't discount getting help from someone to help with this which will help regardless of you working 5 days or less

And yes sort your DH out !

Could you ask him if he wants to sleep with daddy in daddy's bed (not yours) or in his cot. Might be worth a try.

that’s something I need and want to deal with but I’m not doing it yet as we’re mid house move, everything’s chaotic, everything is stressful.

A house move is stressful on everyone. It’s probably that which is unsettling your toddler as much as it being you being at work - if you went back 6 months ago then it’s likely he’s adjusted to you being at work, so it’s not that, it’s more that he’s in an exhausting challenging phase, you are sleep-deprived and stressed and perhaps depressed because of the non-sleeping issue.

The problem is there’s no perfect time to tackle these things. If I were you, as things are already as shit as they can get I’d draw the line in the sand now and say we have to crack the sleep, chores and parenting division around here right now before I go insane with sleep deprivation and stress. Pay the sleep consultant to give a plan that your husband can get involved with. That’s honestly the key to it all - your husband doing night duties and more parenting in general (or 100% of everything that isn’t parenting if you are truly convinced your son can’t learn to accept comfort from his dad - but this should obviously be plan b).

You can’t keep going on broken sleep, doing everything parenting and working and household.

Well yes, he’ll be fine as in nothing ill will befall him, but it won’t actually improve my quality of life at all because I will be lying awake for hours listening to a crying child.

Short term pain, long term gain.
It feels absolutely awful as it’s happening but at this age it does work and it is not the same emotionally as sleep training a smaller baby. It is a bit of a battle of wills. My DH was objectively shit at nights with DC1 who was a horrific sleeper but he had no choice but to get involved at 19 months as we were about to have DC2 and I was absolutely on my knees, back at work, heavily pregnant, and I needed to not have to deal with it. I vividly remember the utter horror of it ! Going to sleep battles, middle of the night battles. The way my DH did not exactly stoically endure the torture silently either! And it sucked and I remember being convinced it was never going to end. But it did, DC1 started to self settle and sleep more reliably and DH finally was more equally acceptable as a parent (good job as then I had my hands full with DC2!)

Short term pain, long term gain.
It feels absolutely awful as it’s happening but at this age it does work and it is not the same emotionally as sleep training a smaller baby. It is a bit of a battle of wills

Totally agree with @NoSquirrels . I sleep trained my 14 month old as I was full time working and he slept in with me, keeping me awake all night.

Take a week off as holidays and do rapid return with him. Then keep it up. You cannot fall at the first hurdle and just throw in the towel. It won't be immediate but then you'll be able to sleep.

In fact, get your husband to take a week off and manage it.

I also have an exceptionally unsympathetic workplace who are ‘relentless in their pursuit of outstanding’ and other such ‘read between the lines’ policies.

After my first DC I changed to the public sector for the flexibility. Tbh it wasn’t the best move for my career but the flexibility is brilliant with kids. If your job aren’t all that supportive a different employer might be worth exploring.

My bad sleeper is 18 in August. I’ve never forgotten how bad it was. I was working full time then and it was such a struggle. I ploughed through as working part time wasn’t financially an option for me then, and it did get better. Incidentally he’s never been a teenager who sleeps in all day, up at 6.30am for school, before 8 on the weekend to do park run or run a half marathon just for ‘fun’. It does get better. Maybe go part time so you don’t lose your job, until he’s sleeping better

I suspect I may work where you do. I was so chronically sleep deprived I made a monumental f*CK up that nearly cost me my job, I was on report for 6 months with moderated duties and it was so awfull and humiliating.

This was the catalyst for the change, and it was 3 nights of horror and then fixed. We had to do it as a team though, taking blocks in the night.

You don't realise until you've come out the other side how all encompassing and sometimes dangerous the being continually sleep deprived is

You’re playing the ‘yes but’ game OP.

‘I will be lying awake for hours listening to a crying child’ - if your H parents him and/or you try new methods on sleep?

If your H parents him more, that will change. Worth the very short term adjustment for your H to improve as a parent.

sleep methods are up to you and your H. but in the meantime you doing it all by yourself is threatening your wellbeing, health and ability to earn money.

I don't think people realise how serious long term sleep deprivation actually is. People who rally against sleep training have clearly never been in the position where it was sleep train or something serious happen. DH has a job where if he goes to work exhausted and not focused he could easily kill someone. I drive a lot and remember having to pull over during the first few months because I realised I was about to nod off at the wheel. A friend of mine crashed her car when her baby was eight months old because they were still up ever hour throughout the night needing nonstop rocking to be put back to sleep, she was only going to the supermarket and thankfully it was just damage to the car but it was a massive wake up call that she couldn't keep going how things were.

It's not as simple as just 'this is what babies do, keep going, it'll get easier'. I personally understood and accepted that the first few months would be hell in terms of sleep, but once they're physically more than capable of getting long stretches and cutting down to a feed or two during the night there's no need to continue suffering, it's kinder for the baby to help them learn how to get good restful sleep, DS was such a happier baby after sleep training bless him.

Listen @Workingisntworkingforme you don’t need anyone’s permission here to quit your job. But there are so many options you could try first, if you actually want to keep working that is.

If you like - or I’m explaining what things are like here.

People repeatedly telling me what should happen doesn’t change the fact that it doesn’t. That’s not ‘yes, but’, it’s simply the way things are.

Trying things once and then giving up because the baby cried too much or your husband was unable to deal with him isn't 'the way things are'. It's 'the way things were in that specific moment'.

I also agree with @ColdColdColdColdCold's post.

It's not as simple as just 'this is what babies do, keep going, it'll get easier'. I personally understood and accepted that the first few months would be hell in terms of sleep, but once they're physically more than capable of getting long stretches and cutting down to a feed or two during the night there's no need to continue suffering, it's kinder for the baby to help them learn how to get good restful sleep, DS was such a happier baby after sleep training bless him

Don't give up work - it will be so much harder to get back into a career. You'll also find being with him all the time a different challenge - it's good to have some space.
Having had two poor sleepers I understand the (unbearable at times) tiredness - and I know lots have said, it but it does get easier.
Focus on making everything else as simple as possible. Housework, food - just cut it all to the simplest it can be. It is hard to "fix" sleep but it will sort itself out in a year or so. He sounds like a normal nearly two year old re behaviour. Just ride it out; now is not the time to make major life decisions when exhausted and under stress.