To ask working parents how much do you see your kids each day?

[Kikimush]

Just curious. DH goes off to work at 830am every morning, then I drop the kids to school at 9. Childminder collects them and looks after them til 6pm and then once dh is home at 630pm it's time for dinner, quick bit of reading and bed at 8/830pm. Sometimes I'll also have something urgent hanging over from work that will need to be dealt with in this time.

I know lots of people are in the same/worse boat and I'm not looking for sympathy but just wondering how common this is? We do tend to make the most of family time at the weekend but it still never seems like enough. There are so many things I want to do with the kids that I never get around to :(

My husband and I made a conscious decision to work in organisations that have excellent family friendly working policies (Flexi working, home working, good holiday & maternity allowance etc) but as a consequence we earn far less than we would do in private companies - we are both in high responsibility professional roles. That is the trade off, more time with the family but less money. I also chose to go part time (3 days per week) after my maternity leave with our youngest child ended. Again, less pay but a better work life balance. Working from home primarily means no time spent on commutes, although we do both sometimes have to go away for work, but the other one then covers all school runs etc. I tend to do the school drop off at 8:30am and then we alternate the pick up (3pm) on my working days and whoever does pick up then spends the afternoon with the children outside, or takes them to their sports training etc. I know not everyone can afford to work part time or choose to earn less by working in the public sector, but that's how we have managed to spend much much more time with our children than we would do otherwise.

I'll admit I assumed you were late thirties because I assumed your username numbers related to your birth year.

I think things are very different now to the way they were 30/40 years ago in terms of employment. Often its very difficult for a family to live off one salary, regardless of where in the country they are.

Do you draw a pension?

What would you have done if he'd have left you at 35 with young children and a big gap in your employment history? Could you have sustained the quality of life you and your children had become accustomed to?

It's all well and good to say people need to lighten up but there's nothing lighthearted here. Too many women sacrifice their jobs (not even career women - lots of women in a variety of jobs) for their family and then get shit on.

I'm very lucky that I've just negotiated a flexible work arrangement: so I get to drop DD at school, then work between 9am and 3pm before picking her up from school at 10 past 3. I then get home, do dinner and the usual bedtime stuff, then log back on at 7.30 to do the remainder of my working day.

It's not ideal from a work/life perspective for me, but it means I get those after school hours with her and I don't have to faff about with after school clubs and so on.

When she's older I'll probably go back into the office - assuming we're not all working entirely remotely and flexibly by then!

6.30-8am, though I spend part of that preparing their lunches. 5.30-8pm, it's not as much as I'd like but it is what it is.

Monday to Friday
One hour in the morning
Two to three hours at night

Except most of that time he’s in his room ignoring me anyway

My DCs didnt see me M-F most weeks for 3 years - left early in the morning - popped in gave them a kiss cos they were still asleep, arrived home unless staying over in a hotel around 8pm and they'd be in bed by then - I was pulling 12hr days 5 days a week. My DH was a SAHD.

After 3 years I applied for flex working. I worked 5 days of hours over 4 days. Turned out I worked shorter days - 35 hours/4 is 8.75 hours. Flexi working is great. Def recommend looking at it so you get quite time with the kids and once your hours are specified flexibly in your contract everyone respects them.

On a school day I will see my oldest (DD5) for an hour. Including getting ready for school and taking to school. I will see my youngest (DD4) for 3 hours until I go to work and she goes to nursery. I then won't get home until 9. If its a weekend I will only see my girls from when they wake up so between 8-9 until 12.

I plan on being present for all of my child’s life that I’m alive for! I very much appreciate him.

It is possible to live a normal fulfilling life and work full time you know. I maintain a happy marriage, strong friendships and have a lovely bond my son at the same time as having a career. I also intend to have more children in the future. I see no reason why working should mean I become a childless aunt.

Well aren't you an enormous arsehole. 🙄

DH has him all day Mondays, I work 9-9 so see him for a couple of hours in the morning, sometimes if I have time I met them for coffee/lunch if I get a lunch break. Tuesdays I see him for a couple of hours in the morning, pick him up at five from nursery, goes to bed at 7/7:30, weds he's with Grandma so I leave for work just after nine, get home around 5:30 sometimes 5:45, Thursday is the same as Tuesday, he's at nursery 9-5 but I do drop off and DH does pick up, very sorry Vinnie's and consolidated hours helps this work.
Then I have a whole day with him and just me on a Friday including his swimming lesson, we always do something together on a Friday. Saturday and Sunday DH and I are both off so try and get some housework done one of the mornings (he 'helps') or Friday evening and the rest of the weekend is family time. He is only at nursery 9-5 twice a week and the rest of the time he is with DH or me, or on Wednesdays with Grandma. I don't think he or we are missing out. We make the time we have worthwhile, and us both working full time (albeit over 4 days) means we use our time off to do lots of fun things together. We have generous annual leave allowances (35 days plus bank holidays) and pretty flexible working attachments if he had something on at nursery, Christmas concert etc.
We're currently on holiday and he's having the time of his life.

*very short commutes, I have no idea who very sorry Vinnies are

Changed my job in January to spend more time with my kids. Old job, i worked term time only. Dropped off at breakfast club at 7.50am and collect at 6pm from after achool club, often worked in the evenings. New job, Eldest DS is an adult and does the school run AM as I'm at work from 5.30am. Finish around lunchtime and do the PM school run. I then have the evening with the DC until bedtime. School holidays are a bit of a juggle but I get from about 1pm until bedtime with DC or I book holiday.

Which schools or nurseries are open 12 hours a day? What have I missed??

We have two ages 1 and 5. I don't work Fri, DP doesn't work Thu. We've staggered our hours so on the days we both work, he starts at 9 an I finish at 4. Work. School and nursery are all within a 20 minute walk of each other, so at four I sprint up the road to nursery, grab DD2 then get DD1 from afterschool club at 4.30. it's tight but doable. We're then together until dinner at 6, then bedtime rigmarole begins with youngest down by 7ish, eldest 8ish. DP and I alternate bedtimes with eldest/youngest so we both get some 1-2-1 time with each.

Upside of our way of doing things is youngest is only at nursery 3 relatively short days a week, eldest doesn't have too much time in wraparound care and we all get to spend maximum time together (no commuting). Downside is that money is tighter than we'd like due to both being p/t and the mad dash to get both kids to/from nursery/school on Mon-Wed. Things will be much easier in both senses once youngest starts the preschool attached to the school ( for a couple of years!)

Other thing that helps is having a weekly cleaner so weekends don't have to be spent cleaning up but can be about being together. It's a luxury but worth it.

I genuinely don’t understand why you have children if you have to put them in childcare and or school for 12 hours a day 5 days a week.

12 hours a day 😂

The trolling on this thread is getting a little, transparent, shall we say.

It's so hard keeping a good work/life balance. I think I'm lucky as I work a 4 on/4 off schedule 3am-3pm so I do get a lot of the afternoon with them and then 4 days straight with them but the long hours are just physically exhausting and I am ready for bed by about 6pm. The downside to my work schedule is because my husband works the days I'm off we barely see each other and it pays barely above minimum wage.

It's pretty common I think! Especially as they get older. With preschool age kids you want to see them a lot more, now mine are 9 and 7 they get more independent we do stuff around each other as much as with each other and that's pretty normal. Even SAHPs aren't hanging around with the kids all the time they make up for it (ok there are always some) with cooking, cleaning, hobbies, sorting out other relatives, fitness or watching TV etc.

12 hours a day 😂 The trolling on this thread is getting a little, transparent, shall we say.

It's hilarious 😂

It seems there is no 'normal' as all of the posters have suggested different things. I've got 4, and we've done all sorts of mix ups over the years to cope with us both having to work, and having so many kids. Been lucky enough to have my mum and dad some of the time, nanny for a while, WFH, after school clubs, sometimes another mum taking back for tea in return for the same, plus PT days. Holiday time was very special. They were brought up to expect this, and largely enjoyed a wide range of "great people in charge of them" and grew confidence as a result. Didn't ever do 'latch key kids' but only because, being four, they would fight (and probably would have set the house on fire to boot), but I would have done it if I thought it would have worked. If I had have had two, then there may have been a bit more opportunity to get them to more clubs and to be more sensitive to their individual needs, but I am not convinced this would have made any difference in the grander scheme of things.

It was the same in my house. I’ve asked my kids about this ( they are now grown up) and they said all they remember is the good times we had. They knew we had to work to enable us to have great days and nice things. Don’t be hard on yourself. You are giving your children a work ethic.

I did it for 5 years, I was literally only seeing my children for an hour a day weekdays. I was earning good money and loved my career but OH was earning more. So we discussed it and discussed it. He was willing to give up work and be a stay at home Dad so it never came down to that particular battle of the little woman having to stay at home. We were equal partners in the decision. It was making me depressed with the amount of time I was missing out on with them. An hour a day is not enough for me or them and I made the very hard decision to stay home. I was lucky enough that we could tighten our belts a bit and manage. others are not so lucky, I understand that. I did and do still sometimes miss my career but would not change my decision for the world. I am grateful I got that time with them and for me it was worth it. My heart was broken for those 5 years I was working to be fair and whilst my children were well cared for and happy, it was ME who was not and it was ME who was missing out and feeling tremendous guilt. I felt selfish for working all those hours and I felt guilty for giving up on a career I loved. They are small for such a short amount of time and having missed out on 5 years already...I felt like I had no other choice as it was killing me.

@girlmom21
Three of my four daughters are SAHM right now, it’s not that difficult. I will give you that it is more difficult to do on a low wage than in the past. But on a mid or high wage it’s still quite easy - you just have to accept that one salary is what you have and use it accordingly. It’s really not a hard concept. There may be things you could buy with two full time wages you won’t be able to - but your kids won’t be be raised by strangers all the working days. That’s the trade off you make.
Whether it’s a moral or personal preference decision or both people will have different views on.

Yes your daughters Proof that most people can do it.

Your dds with millionaire parents who had and have all the privileges that come with that.

My dd is 18, she won’t be in debt for Uni. She knows she isn’t in the same situation as most students and recognises the privilege. Odd that someone of your age does not. She wouldn’t dream of comparing her situation to most other people.

and let’s be honest, I am not surprised that your dds decides to be sahp. They were brought up by parents that thought any other choice than the woman giving up work was wrong. Bet the fathers didn’t even get contemplate wether they wanted to be at home or not.

but your kids won’t be be raised by strangers all the working days

Firstly, you are still raising your own children if you use childcare. By this logic your husband doesn't raise his own children.

Secondly, they aren't strangers. You get to know nursery staff/childminders and children form bonds with them. We still see the staff from nursery and DS talks fondly about them.