Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School, dd with special needs

132 replies

Leftie202 · 16/05/2022 15:35

Dd age 10, struggling significantly at school. They have gone to a reduced Time table, she has a one on one, echp, not yet been diagnosed but all professionals say probably adhd. She’s hard work at school no doubt about it. At home she’s not so bad. She lives full time with her father, only spends weekends and half the holidays with me. It has been this way for a couple years, she seems happy with this arrangement. So here is the aibu… the school struggle so much with her that they have to call me or her dad in to help them quite often, daily, every other day if we’re lucky. Now they usually call her dad first, but he normally says he can’t come in for whatever reason, so it’s left to me. I work full time, im having to leave work, have so much time off which I simply can’t afford to do. Her dad claims all the benefits for her, so I simply have to work to live, so I’ve said to school I can’t come in anymore, sorry, but I can’t. Im going to end up losing my job if it keeps happening. They said that’s not acceptable and I should be available when they need me. But I think her dad should be! He’s the main parent, he claims for her, including dla and carers. Basically he has the option to not work and care for her, where as I do not. So aibu or not? Im so stressed with it because I can’t keep on like this.

OP posts:
LIZS · 16/05/2022 15:38

It is an illegal exclusion. Speak to Sendiass or Parent Partnership for advice. When does she move to secondary?

TeenPlusCat · 16/05/2022 15:40

I think you are not unreasonable.

I also think you need an emergency review of the EHCP because it isn't acceptable that either of you are being contacted to come in on a regular basis.

(Plus reduced timetable isn't really acceptable either).

Is this mainstream or special school? Perhaps she needs a new placement.

Original poster
Leftie202 · 16/05/2022 15:43

She has one year left of primary after this academic year . This is mainstream. I have suggested numerous times she needs to be in a special needs school but her dad doesn’t agree and as he’s main parent his word goes.

OP posts:
TeenPlusCat · 16/05/2022 15:47

I'd definitely not go in then. Let him deal with the fallout.
When is the review of the EHCP due? It will need to name a school for secondary...

LIZS · 16/05/2022 15:49

If he won't be more proactive then he'll have to deal with the early pickups. Is there an Inclusion officer involved?

Sirzy · 16/05/2022 15:50

you need to call for an emergency review and make sure you are there.

if he isn’t willing to acknowledge that this isn’t the right setting for her and support changes then you need to fight for her, it wokld also make me reconsider living arrangements if he can’t work to meet her needs

Shakeitshakeitbaby · 16/05/2022 15:53

These exclusions and illegal unless they are formally excluding and even then they can't exclude for behaviour related to a disability. Do not collect your child and speak to Sendiass for advice.

Original poster
Leftie202 · 16/05/2022 15:53

Not sure on when the echp is due for review I’ll have to check, unfortunately the school are not great at keeping me informed of anything, they seem to let dad know and not me, and I’m they are aware we do it communicate well. There is an inclusion officer involved yes. I have tried to say he has to deal with it from now on, but I’ve been told by him and the school that’s not how it works and I need to do my share. Yes she’s my daughter, yes I care of course and want to help whenever I can, I always go to meetings when they have them, I keep in contact with professionals, but if I can’t work I can’t live and they don’t seem to care about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leftie202 · 16/05/2022 15:55

I didn’t realise it could be an illegal exclusion. I will look into this definitely

OP posts:
Luculentus · 16/05/2022 15:55

Of course they are totally in the wrong. If they can't meet your child's needs without your help then they should have told the local authority a long time ago. They cannot expect a parent to risk their livelihood and their home to help them out.

It is also wholly unlawful for them to impose a reduced timetable.

Stick to your guns, tell them that when she is with you she will be coming in to school full time and you will not be coming in to help them out. Suggest to them that they arrange an early annual review so that you can talk about amending the EHCP so that, at the very least, there is funding for something like dedicated 1:1 support from someone who has received appropriate training to work with your daughter. Also look into whether she needs further assessment, for instance from an occupational therapist and speech and language therapist.

If they start claiming that their only alternative is to exclude her, refer them to the official guidance - assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/921405/20170831_Exclusion_Stat_guidance_Web_version.pdf - which makes it clear that they can only exclude as an absolute last resort, and that for children with SEN in particular they should first be doing things like calling for interim reviews with a view to putting more support in place.

It may well be that once they realise they can't look to you for cheap help they will start getting together evidence that your daughter should be in a special school, so win-win if so.

Notagoodnight · 16/05/2022 15:56

Yy to illegal exclusions

Actually you are probably making it easier for your child to not get appropriate support. If school cant manage they need to be updating the EHCP. They absolutely should not be regularly calling you and you absolutely need to stop being available.

As long as you still have parental responsibility you absolutely do have a right to make your feelings heard with regard to school placement. In fact everything you e has a right and responsibility to do, you also have a right and responsibility to do.

I'm assuming she does have an EHCP

TeenPlusCat · 16/05/2022 15:57

Surely you go in on the days she is 'resident' with you Wink ?

I think you should directly ask school for an emergency review.

Luculentus · 16/05/2022 15:57

You should have had a copy of the EHCP and the minutes and report of the last annual review. If you haven't, pester the local authority for them.

The annual review should be happening within 12 months of the date of the EHCP or 12 months from the date of the last annual review. However, there is no reason why it can't be brought forward as an interim or emergency annual review. If the school is imposing an unlawful reduced timetable then that is a very good reason why it should.

x2boys · 16/05/2022 15:58

The school can't just expect you to go in this is why she has an EHCP agree with pp ,you need an emergency review .

AReallyUsefulEngine · 16/05/2022 16:01

DD shouldn’t be on a long term part time timetable, you need to ask the LA for an emergency review of the EHCP. If the school are calling you to collect DD refuse unless they formally exclude her otherwise as others have posted it is an illegal exclusion.

Just because DD lives with your ex doesn’t mean he has more say over what school DD goes to.

Loveacardigan · 16/05/2022 16:01

Reduced timetable can only be done with the agreement of parents and a clear journey back to full time. An annual review can be called early if the school is not able to meet the needs any more. This can happen at any time and is not linked to the ordinary annual review. The reduced timetable would certainly indicate that the school is flagging up that they cannot meet need. Are the difficulties hurting other children or adults physically?

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 16/05/2022 16:12

So her df wants the financial benefits for dd without actually taking the responsibility? Tell school to ring him every time they need help and you only in an actual emergency..

SleeplessInEngland · 16/05/2022 16:16

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 16/05/2022 16:12

So her df wants the financial benefits for dd without actually taking the responsibility? Tell school to ring him every time they need help and you only in an actual emergency..

This isn't a husband problem, it's a school problem. They shouldn't be depending on either parent to come in most days.

x2boys · 16/05/2022 16:21

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 16/05/2022 16:12

So her df wants the financial benefits for dd without actually taking the responsibility? Tell school to ring him every time they need help and you only in an actual emergency..

Well he has the majority of the time, but that's irrelevant in this situation, its not about whose entitled to the benefits, it's about a school acting illegally

Notagoodnight · 16/05/2022 16:58

So her df wants the financial benefits for dd without actually taking the responsibility?

I'm not at all sure that's appropriate in this situation. As a very responsible single parent I'd be refusing to pick up too. In fact by doing so the OP might even be making it harder for extra support to be obtained, school can say parent was happy to collect and therefore happy with provision.

The OP doesn't even know when the ECHP is up for review and has little idea of her rights or responsibilities, I wouldn't peg them as the most responsible parent

Original poster
Leftie202 · 16/05/2022 16:59

I have been told by the school that what her dad says is what’s counted because he is main parent. If it was my decision I would want her to go to a special needs school. Anything I say or suggest is shot down if he does not agree. We were offered some help with her to manage her behaviour at home, I agreed, he refused and that was that, it didn’t happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leftie202 · 16/05/2022 17:01

It’s not even collecting dd… they expect us to go in and stay with her at the school. In fact, I’ve often said I’ll just take her home and sort childcare for her so I can go back to work, but they say that will make it worse and want me to just stay in school with her!

OP posts:
x2boys · 16/05/2022 17:03

Leftie202 · 16/05/2022 16:59

I have been told by the school that what her dad says is what’s counted because he is main parent. If it was my decision I would want her to go to a special needs school. Anything I say or suggest is shot down if he does not agree. We were offered some help with her to manage her behaviour at home, I agreed, he refused and that was that, it didn’t happen.

Ideally it should be a joint decision, I'm married and my son goes to a special school, and irs me that attends all the meetings etc ,just because I'm a carer and dh works full time
You can both attend the EHCP review .

Workwork21 · 16/05/2022 17:04

He won't be receiving carers if he is working more than a few hours

CompostMaker · 16/05/2022 17:07

Poor child. And poor teachers. And poor parents.
Stupid government underfunding special schools v