School, dd with special needs

[Leftie202]

Dd age 10, struggling significantly at school. They have gone to a reduced Time table, she has a one on one, echp, not yet been diagnosed but all professionals say probably adhd. She’s hard work at school no doubt about it. At home she’s not so bad. She lives full time with her father, only spends weekends and half the holidays with me. It has been this way for a couple years, she seems happy with this arrangement. So here is the aibu… the school struggle so much with her that they have to call me or her dad in to help them quite often, daily, every other day if we’re lucky. Now they usually call her dad first, but he normally says he can’t come in for whatever reason, so it’s left to me. I work full time, im having to leave work, have so much time off which I simply can’t afford to do. Her dad claims all the benefits for her, so I simply have to work to live, so I’ve said to school I can’t come in anymore, sorry, but I can’t. Im going to end up losing my job if it keeps happening. They said that’s not acceptable and I should be available when they need me. But I think her dad should be! He’s the main parent, he claims for her, including dla and carers. Basically he has the option to not work and care for her, where as I do not. So aibu or not? Im so stressed with it because I can’t keep on like this.

Because its just that simple 🙄

DixonD doing all she can includes not going every time the school call otherwise DD will not get the support she needs. You wouldn’t deregister if that meant your child received no help.

RedHelenB yes, twice for the whole year. Your child wasn’t discriminated against day in, day out. Not an accurate comparison.

Schools having to send pupils home because there isn't enough staff due to covid
Is completely different to a school illegally excluding a child because they can't or won't meet the child's need s

It happened all the time during the days of Covid. Still is happening. If there is no one to teach the child then the child/ren cannot be in school, obviously. You can say it's unacceptable but that really isn't a solution, is it?

"It happened all the time during the days of Covid. Still is happening. If there is no one to teach the child then the child/ren cannot be in school, obviously. You can say it's unacceptable but that really isn't a solution, is it?"

Really? Children without SEN on part time time tables for months. Parents expected to sit in class with their children. I have not seen that on mumsnet and I would expect to if that was happening.

Don't compare something that happens occasionally and indiscriminately to all children with something that happens only to children with sen and disabilities.

It happened all the time during the days of Covid.

And look at the uproar from some parents in the lockdowns.

It does not still happen. Whole classes/year groups are not put on long term part time timetables and their parents aren’t asked to go in to school daily.

Saying it is unacceptable in itself isn’t a solution but the solutions lead on from it being unacceptable e.g. an early review, Judicial Review.

At my son's special school if there are not enough staff due to Covid to run the class safely, they shut the whole class down. They don't tell individual children to stay home.

In your shoes (I have dealt with SEN system with DD12)

I would ignore the first call from school in the day - that will make them ring dad if they haven't already. I would answer the second call simply so that they cannot say you are not interested in your dd. BUT I would refuse to attend school as you are at work. You will need to be strong as they will insist. As others have said this is the easy short term fix for them. You just need to respond with "I'm sorry I am at work I cannot come in to school today" - repeatedly if necessary. Keep a log of how often they ring, how many times and if you can the eventual outcome that day. They cannot require you to attend legally unless they are excluding her formally - in which case you need the paperwork and will collect her at pick up if her dad is unable to do so. It's tough but by filling the gaps you will never get the help you dd needs.

Her dad is going to kick off at this approach as they will ring him first/more if you stop complying. Your response to him needs to be that you are unable to take more time off work. That's it. Nothing more.

Then I would ensure you have the LA contact for her case and I would get into them and ensure that you are included in all discussion. They are not lawfully allowed to exclude you unless you give up/don't have PR.

As suggested speak to your local SENDIASS they will be able to help you with the next steps of all this in terms of the SEN but also ensuring that as a parent you are kept informed.

You have a week and and 3 days left of this half term. I would not go into school at any point during those 8 days. Then 7 weeks next term? I would refuse to attend for the first 2 weeks. I'd then go in after this time but use the opportunity to speak to the staff about reviewing the ehcp to ensure that your daughter is getting what she needs. I'd then refuse to go in again until a date for the review has been set.

Good luck OP. The SEN battle is tough and real without adding in an awkward parental split into the mix.

It's hilarious to read the blustering. Of course it isn't right but no one has offered a solution to what to do if the school phones today.

Bluster all you like but offer immediate solutions from your moral high ground. No point in posting, otherwise.

It's hilarious to read the blustering. Of course it isn't right but no one has offered a solution to what to do if the school phones today.

Multiple posters have offered a solution for today, and solutions for the mid and long term. They might be the solutions you would do since you seem fine with the school discriminating against OP’s DD it it is a solution.

Indeed,my son hasent been able to attend his special school on a number of occasions this academic year due to school transport not having enough staff to safeguard the pupils it's a pita but understandable, the pupils safety is paramount ,it is entirely different to a school continually, illegally sending a child home.

@LittleOwl153 sendias informed me that even if it’s an official exclusion you do not have to attend the school immediately and it was acceptable to say you are working and would collect at end of day as there has to be some sort of notice period

I was thinking similar.

If he is claiming carer's allowance for her, he must be working less than 16 hours pw. That surely leaves him more time to sort out whatever's going on than the OP.

I have offered immediate solutions. OP (or indeed her Ex) are not legally required to drop everything ad attend school because they decide they'd like that to happen.

I have suggested that OP "would ignore the first call from school in the day - that will make them ring dad if they haven't already. I would answer the second call simply so that they cannot say you are not interested in your dd. BUT I would refuse to attend school as you are at work. You will need to be strong as they will insist. As others have said this is the easy short term fix for them. You just need to respond with "I'm sorry I am at work I cannot come in to school today" - repeatedly if necessary."

That is the here and now. If OP has already been bullied into attending today there isn't much that can change. But I would be starting this from tomorrow. I have then gone on to suggest other sources of assistance.

The problem with SEN kids/provision is that the school does not get even adequate funding for these kids so they have to off load the problem even if this means leaning on /bullying the parents to solve their (the schools) problem. For some kids in the short term parents help might work or indeed solve the problem. But OP is at the point that her income depends on the school organising their own support for the child and not insisting the OP comes out of work and risking her job. OP is entitled to do that.

Completely irrelevant the school Is illegally excluding the child ,what benefits he gets is neither here nor there ,neither parent should be rushing to school on the whim of the school

I have suggested that OP "would ignore the first call from school in the day - that will make them ring dad if they haven't already. I would answer the second call simply so that they cannot say you are not interested in your dd. BUT I would refuse to attend school as you are at work. You will need to be strong as they will insist. As others have said this is the easy short term fix for them. You just need to respond with "I'm sorry I am at work I cannot come in to school today" - repeatedly if necessary."

My former head would phone social services if a parent refused to collect a distressed child and the school deemed it necessary.

The father needs to accept that the child needs a special school. It isn't fair on a mainstream school - staff or children for him to insist the child remains there when the DC is obviously not coping. The school knows they can't cope, don't blame them for the failings of the father.

My former head would phone social services if a parent refused to collect a distressed child and the school deemed it necessary.

Children’s services are not going to take action against parents for enforcing their DC’s rights when a school are illegally excluding a child or requesting the OP provides the SEN support in school.
 Even if they did the courts would take a very dim view.

The school knows they can't cope, don't blame them for the failings of the father.

The school are to blame for acting unlawfully, failing to deal with this situation adequately sooner and telling the OP the father’s decisions carry more weight. Perhaps they wouldn’t be in this current situation if the school hadn’t discriminated against the OP’s DD or told her incorrect information. That does not mean the father isn’t also responsible for the current situation, he is.

1. Call sendiass for advice

1. Read the EHCP document, particularly part F. This is what the school should legally be putting in place.

1. Get in contact with the LA and speak to your coordinator. It's sounding as though needs have changed and need revisiting.

1. Ask for a phase transfer review. Push for external assessment for this. You'll need Educational psychologist assessment and a specialist OT assessment. This is incredibly important when a child is changing from primary to secondary schools. It will indicate the levels of support needed to ensure she copes.

1. If number 4 is refused or delayed, get in touch with IPSEA. You may need to take this further and appeal, it's free for parents.

1. Refuse to go into school. You are contributing to her failing, inadvertently by helping. The school should be applying for the funding to cover the provision in part F. If the needs are wrong in the EHCP they need amending.

1. Tell the school you have parental rights. Hopefully get her dad onboard.

Hang in, but do it right within the framework of the law in place.

Op I agree. He should be going to the school.

Children’s services are not going to take action against parents for enforcing their DC’s rights when a school are illegally excluding a child or requesting the OP provides the SEN support in school.
 Even if they did the courts would take a very dim view.

They can and did. Stern words with the parents meant it didn't happen again.

The school are well aware they are acting unlawfully but if there is no one available to look after the DC what do you suggest they do? As I said multiple times. You can't magic up a person when no one is available. The existing staff are dealing with the other children.

Banging on about it being unlawful is pointless. If there is no one else there then what do you suggest?

The child is upset and crying in the classroom. There is no member of staff available to support the child. The class teacher should be teaching the other children. In your world they just leave the child to cry. in my world they contact a parent.

Be careful with SENDIASS. Some are helpful, but too many repeat the LA’s unlawful policies. IPSEA and SOSSEN are better.

wonkygorgeous a phase transfer review will be held in the autumn term of Y6. OP needs an early review which if the LA refuse doesn’t come with the right of appeal. She would either have to wait for the AR next term or request a reassessment of needs which if refused would have the right of appeal.

The child is upset and crying in the classroom. There is no member of staff available to support the child. The class teacher should be teaching the other children. In your world they just leave the child to cry. in my world they contact a parent.

That is all very well once or twice. However if it is happening regularly the school should be taking steps to prevent it. Every time the parent continues to step in, delays the school taking the steps they should be taking.

Mentioning it is unlawful is not pointless. I have posted what I would do all while remaining within the law. The OP has not mentioned her child is crying, but if the child cannot be in school full time the LA should be making alternative arrangements. Unless all other staff are deployed with pupils with support specified and quantified in EHCPs they should be redeployed.

They can and did. Stern words with the parents meant it didn't happen again.

Stern words are irrelevant, that isn’t action. They won’t take action as the school’s action are unlawful and if they did the courts would remedy that.
 And more fool the parents for listening, if more parents stood up to schools and LAs and enforced their DC’s rights there would be fewer DC out of education and fewer LAs and schools acting unlawfully.

In your world they just leave the child to cry.

Don’t put words in my mouth, I have not posted that.

Stern words are irrelevant, that isn’t action. They won’t take action as the school’s action are unlawful and if they did the courts would remedy that.


I'm pretty sure the courts would take a dim view of parents refusing to collect a child infected with chicken pox when told to by the head. SS contacted parents and said child would be collected by them within the hour.

And more fool the parents for listening, if more parents stood up to schools and LAs and enforced their DC’s rights there would be fewer DC out of education and fewer LAs and schools acting unlawfully.

Stood up to schools? I see where you are coming from now. If more parents were decent and reasonable there would be fewer DCs causing problems or in need of extra support. Leaving the support for those actually in need of it.

But I see your agenda. No point in talking to you.

YANBU.

If the school can't manage her, even on a reduced timetable, there needs to be an URGENT review of her EHCP, as they're not meeting her needs if they need to call parents in for constant back-up. She's clearly not in the right setting, and that needs to be addressed pretty urgently.

I agree that dad, as the main carer, SHOULD be taking on the bulk of dealing with the school, but in all honesty, neither of you should be having to go in. As someone who works in a school myself, I'd suggest that perhaps your willingness to go in previously has made this a bit of a default option for them.

"X is being difficult? Call a parent in."

If the parents stopped being available, they'd either have to find an alternative method of managing her in school, or they'd pull their finger out sharpish on that EHCP review.