My DH has been messaging another woman!

[Cheated85]

So my DH has been messaging another woman. I found out at the weekend. We’ve had no problems and thought we were happy. The woman in question is another mum from school who is renowned for this sort of behaviour and I can’t believe my DH has done this. I feel sick just typing it out. He hasn’t slept with her and I do believe that as I’ve no idea when this would have happened. I caught him because a message popped up from someone on his phone with a name I didn’t recognise (he’s changed her name) and asked him about who it was and I could tell by his face and he then was completely honest about the messages. Showed me everything etc. He says he’s no idea why he was doing it and what he thought would have come of it if I hadn’t found out. I’m devastated at the thought of breaking up our family unit and don’t want this for our children. He says he doesn’t want that either and will do anything to avoid that. What I’m asking is, if you’ve been through this, have you been able to move on and be happy? I feel like the trust has been broken and unsure how I can get over it? I’m embarrassed to admit this is also very much about pride. I can’t cope with the thought of people talking about me. I don’t want to let my family down and just can’t imagine life not like it is now. I know that’s ridiculous but I’m finding it so hard to make a decision on what to do for the best.

This is a sensible post OP

I think this is a really thoughtful post.

You absolutely have to draw your own line in the sand wherever that may be. There's no crystal ball that tells us if we've done the right thing, but as the above post says, you can change your mind too.

My situation with my ExP was a little different, in that he went and met a woman off one of those awful no strings sex sites. It all came out in the end and after time and soul searching I forgave him and we got back together.

Earlier this month, I found out he'd been messaging her again. The content of the messages was completely innocuous, but that wasn't the point. She wasn't someone he knew or worked with, there was no need for any contact between them. his only connection to her was that they'd previously had sex on multiple occasions behind my back. So I had no choice but to end things, once I knew they'd been in contact. It's 2 weeks on now and I'm still pretty sad about it, but I know that I've done the right thing. But I don't regret giving him that second chance previously.

Although people will say once a cheater or that he didn't deserve a second chance, I was an idiot for doing so etc, you have to do what you think is right. Our relationship was really good, we were incredibly compatible. I look at the stuff people complain about all the time on here, we had none of those issues. So to me it was worth it, but I knew if there was any kind of repeat that would have to be it.

She is a tramp with no respect for herself or her own children, he is the same and BOTH them are totally desperate. No way could I forgive this.

Swearing on kids /mums/ granny’s life is sure indication of lying.

sorry @Cheated85 . I couldn’t and didn’t get past cheating

You haven't done this.
He has done this to you.
Whatever decision you make doesn't mean you are to blame for breaking up the family.
HE is to blame for breaking up the family.
The guilt isn't yours to bare - it's his.

Her husband would be the first person I messaged, telling him what was going on again, behind his back. If her husband did leave her, it might actually also be a test for how your dh really felt about her, as he might then have a choice to make, her or you? If he did choose her, then good riddance to him, and you wouldn’t be wasting anymore time on him!

He sent nudes of himself. She didn't make him.

He didn't tell her not to send nudes of herself.

He changed her name in his phone so you wouldn't notice.

If you hadn't found out, he would probably have taken this further.

For me this is cheating.

As well as kicking him out (even if just for a while) I would be telling her husband so he knows she is up to her old tricks again.

@Cheated85 omfg!!! what a dirty bit*ch

what a silly silly man your husband is

I'm sorry you are going through this I really wish you the best no matter what you decide to do ❤️

I would have to message her husband that as a minimum she has been sharing naked pictures with your husband. Then next time you see her In school, after you’ve messgesed her husband, say tou can’t speak to her now you’ve seen her naked.

never understood the MN rationale for not telling people. If the roles were reversed I would absolutely want to know if I was the husband.

of they’re sharing naked pictures that’s a step too far for me and chances are they are sleeping together or he was going to

My ex cheated on me behind my back and was then "desperately sorry".

I gave him a second chance and we tried to repair the damage for the sake of the DC. We limped on for another three years and then divorced. For me, the respect had gone. I still loved him at the time I gave him a second chance. But everything after that was just a little bit shitty, a little bit soiled and a little bit sordid in my mind. He'd spoiled it. I found myself feeling contempt towards someone who could have so little honour that they could betray their wife and children like that for the sake of a grubby little shag.

And once I realised I had no respect or liking left for him then everything else died. It was a waste of three years, to be honest. And the DC were then three years older.

I wouldn't give second chances again.

It is hard and only you can decide your outcome but do take control and tell her husband. I would ask your husband to move out and make him sweat until you can decide. Don't worry about family life just now only you matter. Have you got a close close friend?

He’s been upfront, and obviously guilty. If you can forgive and still trust, I’d see no reason to break up unless you really think he will continue this behaviour.

Sorry OP but "swearing on his kids lives" = 100% he's lying to you

So didn’t see her on the school run which I was annoyed at as I’d been dreading it all day! Anyway, no bulldozing of cars required! Your posts are making me realise how absolutely disgusted I am at him. It’s just so disrespectful to me and my kids. It’s still so raw and I need time to think. Urgh! I haven’t eaten in basically three days straight and feel drained! He’s done absolutely everything with the kids etc…clearly feeling guilty. I’ve just bloody let him! Can’t even look him in the eye. Feel like I can’t speak to anyone in real life as then it’s real isn’t it.

Been there and tried to
Get everything back to how it used. A few years later found out the full extent of what the pig had been doing. He didn't respect me but I respected myself and threw him out. Turn's out one of the many was my best friend of 30 years and she had form for this too (as did he obviously) I just didn't think she (or he) would do it to me.

@Bagoshite I also gave a second chance to someone I and left but he didn't cheat. I knew very very quickly I didn't want to be with him anymore but I have never regretted giving it another try. I didn't with someone else and I have never fully got over it. I didn't want another situation like that.

I’m embarrassed to admit this is also very much about pride. I can’t cope with the thought of people talking about me.

This is very honest of you and I’d say the majority of relationships stay together for this very reason.

He is 100% in the wrong here - you blaming her in anyway lessens his involvement and I can imagine he’s trying to blame her a lot.
She is 100% wrong in her situation but not yours.

If it was just flirting I could maybe forgive it but the changing the name and sending photos is something I don’t think I could forgive.

What I would need to know is who initiated it - was she messages him for months and him rejecting her? Or did he reach out to her?
If he reached out to her (or any OW) then it definitely would be over without a second thought.

Oh honey. This is a massive shock to the system. The no eating thing is normal. 8 days here without food when I found out my now X was doing similar. We limped on for another 4 years after I discovered his behaviour, but I could never trust him fully again. You sound very similar to me "this happens to others, not me. I don't want people discussing my life"

Take time to think what you want. Get some counselling to help you decide. You don't need to rush anything right now. What you do need to do is look after yourself and your kids the best you can, while he finds somewhere to go to out of the house while you spend time trying to deal with this massive grief at the loss of what you thought your marriage was.

All the best

@Joystir59 there are many men that won't as well just because the men you work with do
Women cheat alsi

So why is she a 'dirty bitch' and he is only a 'silly man' ffs we are our own worse enemies.

When people say that it’s only the husband to blame, what they mean is that focussing any of her energy in the woman is a distraction from the real issue. - her husband’s infidelity.

Dh is motor trade, I’ve known a lot of men who cheat on their wives & no one thinks badly of their wives or that they’ve failed marriage in some way because the dh isn’t faithful.

A lot of people still want the partner and kids and settled life, when one partner cheats it’s just such a waste of the others time. Why bother if you prefer the single life.

@Greyhare I know, I agree !!! It’s madness I felt more shocked at the woman when I read this thread, it’s as if we (some) almost expect men to be animals but when a woman does it shock horror

both are to blame equally but more so him because he is her husband this woman has no loyalty to the OP but he did

what a shit situation to be in :(

All the best and positivity op