My DH has been messaging another woman!

[Cheated85]

So my DH has been messaging another woman. I found out at the weekend. We’ve had no problems and thought we were happy. The woman in question is another mum from school who is renowned for this sort of behaviour and I can’t believe my DH has done this. I feel sick just typing it out. He hasn’t slept with her and I do believe that as I’ve no idea when this would have happened. I caught him because a message popped up from someone on his phone with a name I didn’t recognise (he’s changed her name) and asked him about who it was and I could tell by his face and he then was completely honest about the messages. Showed me everything etc. He says he’s no idea why he was doing it and what he thought would have come of it if I hadn’t found out. I’m devastated at the thought of breaking up our family unit and don’t want this for our children. He says he doesn’t want that either and will do anything to avoid that. What I’m asking is, if you’ve been through this, have you been able to move on and be happy? I feel like the trust has been broken and unsure how I can get over it? I’m embarrassed to admit this is also very much about pride. I can’t cope with the thought of people talking about me. I don’t want to let my family down and just can’t imagine life not like it is now. I know that’s ridiculous but I’m finding it so hard to make a decision on what to do for the best.

A silly silly man?
one who admitted he did it when caught out.
Wow!!
Wha a Prince among men

Op you don’t have to make any final decisions immediately. I’d tell someone - a friend or your mum to get some real life support. Can you take a bit of time to yourself to think. You have nothing to be ashamed about.
It’s him who has put you in this horrible position, you can’t carry on dreading picking your children up.

I’m not saying don’t tell her husband just no need to rush decision. If Op tells him tonight then potentially everything is out in open if he shares or does something like throw wife out and Op clearly isn’t in place where she wants everyone to know.

Scanning posts seems the emphasis is on the other woman.
You have no meaningful life or connections with her. Disregard her.
Your husband however has betrayed both you and your children in your own house. He was prepared to continue this to God knows what end! The only idea of how far this would have gone..is the word of a liar.
I could never get past the lying.Never. He would have gone as far as he could - he just got caught too early.
Move on.
As far as her husband is concerned that's up to you.

He's going to have to work really hard to regain the trust, if it's possible for you to forgive him at all, which I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't.

It sounds like he's been flattered by the attention and then started to enjoy the flirtation.

I think I'd have to get him to message her to tell her he doesn't want to do it any more and that he's going to come clean to you. It's the least he could do and it puts her in a position of panic too, which she fully deserves!!

Then I think I'd have to tell the skank to stay away or you'll tell her husband.

What's wrong with people, honestly.

It’s quite worrying that morals have gone completely with the introduction of social media. If you do want to be in a position to save your marriage I feel you do still need to kick him out, he needs to realise there are vast consequences to what he has done (so that should you decide to forgive and look to stay together he won’t do it again).

I know you don’t want to tell anyone in real life and i insider stand that but can you make him stay in a hotel if you can’t send him to a sibling on his side that could keep a lid on it.

The OW has probably told someone linked to the school about this to brag that she’s stollen another husband if the ego boost of her thing, how do you normally find out about her indiscretions?

Urgh my ex H did that while I was in the house. He kept telling me he had the shits all the time. It was only when the OW sent me a video of him wanking in our bathroom that I found the truth!!

Awful situation at the time but I finally let her have him so she could take on the worry of his cheating ways.

One thing that may be a good thing for you if you want to save the relationship is his honesty for showing you all of it. Because it’s the lies that hurt the most.

Next time you see her on the school run you could say 'sorry, I didn't recognise you with your clothes on'!
Your husband is the person who broke your wedding vows and your family up though. He didn't have to engage with the woman, regardless of whether she 'had form' for this behaviour.
Feeling embarrassed/ashamed will be a natural reaction, most people don't want their dirty laundry aired in public.
Do you know what you want to do next OP?

Hope you are ok. What an awful situation for you to be in. Please eat and look after yourself, your children need you to be healthy.
Men are strange creatures and I certainly cannot fathom them out! Trying to read between the lines and I know I will face the wrath of many …..but…….there must be a reason why this has happened - is he happy with himself/his job/his life/is he depressed/has low self-esteem? I am certainly not excusing his behaviour as it is dreadful - really, really awful but maybe he has acted this way to try and escape other problems in his life (I’m not implying you or the children but other outside issues) Could it be that this woman has massaged his ego, he liked the attention and got very carried away, was stupid enough to not think how this would hurt you? To me if he was willing to show you the messages and talk to you about them he could be telling the truth (yes I know he showed you because he got caught out) This other woman sounds dreadful, to me it sounds like she has pursued him because she is a trouble maker, has seen how happy you are together and wanted a conquest and he was out under her spell. She will no doubt move on to another poor victim soon enough. Only you know how you feel about your DH, has he ever had his head turned before? Is this worth breaking up your family for? Can you work this out? Absolutely not defending your DH as it is truly horrible what he has done but people do work through things, maybe this is the kick up the arse he needs to treat you like the queen you are. Please be kind to yourself none of this is your fault 💐

So why is she a 'dirty bitch' and he is only a 'silly man' ffs we are our own worse enemies.

Exactly this!! They are both equally as dirty and silly. However, the MAN broke the trust. The MAN broke the vows. Come on people, let’s not focus on the OW and how OP should ‘expose her’ to her husband on the bloody school run. People get so fixated on revenge, when really it doesn’t make us feel any better in the long run. I’m sure OWs husband will see her for what she is.

(Not saying this is the case with OP) but it’s so easy for women to feel scorned and more hatred for the OW. Thinking “this woman has ruined my marriage” or “this woman has broken up my family”, “this woman has took my man away from me”. When in reality, it is the mans fault. HE decided to ruin a marriage. HE decided to break up a family.

OP, I’m sorry but usually, once a cheat, always a cheat. There are absolutely NO excuses for what he has done. Sending nudes and sexting often leads up to meeting in person and it snowballs from there.

I hope you are able to speak to real life people about this. Remember, it really is NOTHING to be embarrassed about. You have done NOTHING wrong.

Sorry that he has done this to you OP.

It's so completely disrespectful to you.

The only way through this is to know that he will never do this again and to recover full trust in him going forwards. If these things aren't possible then your relationship is over.

Exactly this!! They are both equally as dirty and silly. However, the MAN broke the trust.
The MAN broke the vows. Come on people, let’s not focus on the OW and how OP should ‘expose her’ to her husband on the bloody school run.

Absolutely!!

In OPs and her DHs relationship he is to blame as he is the one who has been cheating.

The OW has not cheated on OP and if it wasn’t her it would be another women.

Why do we always let men off easily because they ‘can’t help it’ and it’s the ‘OW who made them do it’.

This is why so many men do cheat because they don’t get blamed afterwards.

I know it’s easier to blame the OW or say she’s just as responsible so you can stay in a relationship with the man and not feel guilty but that’s BS.

If you want to stay with someone that’s cheated then that’s fine, it’s your choice.
But don’t act like he didn’t make the choice to cheat because he did.

Sorry this has happened to you. I just came on to say, you don't have to make a decision right now about what to do. Give yourself as much time as you need. Your decision may end up being influenced by how he behaves in the meantime. See how you feel in a month's time, in 3 months.
Meanwhile, check out your financial situation, consider if you need to rethink work/study, and make sure you have his financial info at your fingertips (pension, wages, savings etc). Get legal advice so you know what you will be looking at if you split up.
You can tell him you'll let him know once you've decided, but that may not be for a while.

She hasn’t done anything. He has. Messages like this don’t start off with pictures of fannys. They start with, ‘Nice weather. My Maisie accidentally picked up your Oscar’s t-shirt. I’ll tell her to give it to him tomorrow’. Most normal people will go, ‘Thanks’ unless they’re in the market for some saucy pictures of giblets. Your husband was in the market for giblets. He’s not some poor innocent wee lamb being led to the slaughter. He wanted to do this. He even his her name under different one so he knew what he was doing was wrong.

I know lots of women stay because they don't want their life upended by something they played no part in. I sympathise with this hugely. Why should you suffer (have to sell you home / move / become a single parent / completely change your life in almost every way) because your husband is a selfish, lying prick?

This ^ But if you do plan to stay, you need to give him a scare, ie kick him out for a few days (at the very least) so that he knows there are consequences. Otherwise he’ll have got away with it and what to stop him doing it again?

Oh fck the fck off
some desperado has been messaging all the da's and her idiot has went for it
she's ALLOWED to be pissed off at her. Honest tae god... who's reading this thinking " yes. OW is saintly and OP clearly thinks her DH is fine ?"
shes clearly pissed with him
OW IS acting like a ho'.
imagine being that humiliated? And thats all some pp can say " oooooh your language suggests you think the WOMAN is to blame..?"
get a grip.

have you got angry and flung him out yet ,Op

agree with Pp - hes really fucked it for yous- how was you going to avoid her for the next 15 years?

Yeah, I wouldn't care if I looked "unhinged", I'd be telling the OW's husband and anyone who asked, and telling my own to get tae fuck. People only get away with this scummy shit because other people are too reasonable and dignified.

This.
He needs to know what he could lose. He also needs to doubt if you will ever let him come home.
In the meantime, you get space to think.

Nobody has said OP has solely blamed the OW. & nobody has said the OW is saintly. So not sure what thread you’re reading.

Yes, of course OP is allowed to be pissed at her. Of course she’s going to have feelings of rage when she sees her car. But what will that achieve in the long run? It’s the Husband that’s broken the trust. OP isn’t married to the OW.

Don’t make a decision yet. Try to think logically and strategically. Think about the practicalities of separating. Think about various options eg staying together on a trial period; him moving out for a few weeks to give you space, etc, etc.

Don’t be ashamed - it’s not your fault in any way. As for the OW, perhaps I’m not as saintly as others here but I’d be announcing her indiscretions calmly and surgically in public. I’d also tell her you and your partner were laughing about how desperate and insecure she was, and he’d showed you all her messages.

I don’t care if that’s bitchy. It’s the truth. Now someone will tell me it’s his fault too - and so it is - but I despise women who do this to other women however willing the man is. I’m sure she could have found single men to send nudes too, but she did this deliberately instead.

I think what he’s done is much worse than a drunken one night stand sort of situation.

this is emotional and intentional op, he knows what he’s doing and chose to continue… oh, until he got caught.

i don’t personally think there’s a way past this sort of behaviour. The fact he has done it with someone from your kids school is disgraceful as well, it’s pretty much bringing children into the situation.

selfish horrible man.

I think it's going to be hard to keep seeing her everyday , and remembering those images, It's not going to give you much chance to forgive & forget and move on . I'm sure your husband was caught up in some fantasy and when you found out it came crashing down about his ears and she means nothing to him , but that sort of makes the pain you are going threw worse .

I’d be announcing her indiscretions calmly and surgically in public. I’d also tell her you and your partner were laughing about how desperate and insecure she was, and he’d showed you all her messages.

Do not do this!

Her DH was sending messages and pictures of himself - he sounds just as desperate and insecure as the OW does and publicly announcing her indiscretions in public only works if OP breaks up with her DH else she’ll look like the bigger idiot.

i would be printing out and sticking her naked pics all over town and telling her husband. He deserves to know what scum he is married to as well.

I really feel for you - you should get some real life support. You don’t have to suffer in silence. Have you thought about contacting her husband? You could then support each other