My DH has been messaging another woman!

[Cheated85]

So my DH has been messaging another woman. I found out at the weekend. We’ve had no problems and thought we were happy. The woman in question is another mum from school who is renowned for this sort of behaviour and I can’t believe my DH has done this. I feel sick just typing it out. He hasn’t slept with her and I do believe that as I’ve no idea when this would have happened. I caught him because a message popped up from someone on his phone with a name I didn’t recognise (he’s changed her name) and asked him about who it was and I could tell by his face and he then was completely honest about the messages. Showed me everything etc. He says he’s no idea why he was doing it and what he thought would have come of it if I hadn’t found out. I’m devastated at the thought of breaking up our family unit and don’t want this for our children. He says he doesn’t want that either and will do anything to avoid that. What I’m asking is, if you’ve been through this, have you been able to move on and be happy? I feel like the trust has been broken and unsure how I can get over it? I’m embarrassed to admit this is also very much about pride. I can’t cope with the thought of people talking about me. I don’t want to let my family down and just can’t imagine life not like it is now. I know that’s ridiculous but I’m finding it so hard to make a decision on what to do for the best.

She knows exactly what she was doing.

Yes OP & so did HE!

Your H has broken your trust. He decided to reply to her messages. He decided to entertain it. If it wasn’t her it would be somebody else.

None of this is a reflection on you. You don’t need to feel embarrassed. You don’t have to stay with him to “save the family unit”. He’s quite clearly a piece of shit. & you obviously deserve better.

Gosh yes

When he said "I don't know why I did it" or "where it was going to lead"
Hmmm I'm sure when you take a pic of your privates & send them to a woman... you know EXACTLY why you're doing it .. and what you're hoping to get out of it 😩

& the whole" I don't want to break the family up" ... ohhh maybe should've thought of this before? Before flirting with another woman and giving her the attention your wife should get .. what an ass

I would block and stop following her for start. If I still loved him then he would need to apologise and mean it, address why he did it so it doesn't happen again and be only loving and kind to you and in no way blame you.

Many people will tell you to kick him out. I would really love to know how many posters have said that when someone has been cheated on then stayed when it was their reality.

There is no shame in leaving over this and none in staying either.

He has been a pathetic idiot and it must hurt like hell but it is only you you have to live with and if you decide to take one action today it doesn't mean you can't change your mind later.

He says he’s no idea why he was doing it and what he thought would have come of it if I hadn’t found out Oh he knew!

Go big or go home.

Get a screenshot of her message and pic, censor the nips for socials and post publicly asking if this is her that’s been messaging with your husband.

You have all the dignity, you did no wrong. They did. Shame them both and move on. He’s only remorseful because he got caught.

Block her.
Ask him to leave. He has stained your relationship with his grossness.
Post the pictures on redditors gone wild.(possibly not).
I'm really sorry, I don't think I'd ever be able to trust again fully. My dh texted a woman but no pics or rude stuff. That was enough to alert me that such stuff was obviously possible and shook my faith in him tbh. Who knows how far it would've gone...

This is unforgivable. Unfortunately it is very hard to walk away from a marriage when you’ve got kids. Sorry you’re going through this

Your husband sent naked photos of himself to another woman? I don’t think I could salvage our relationship after that. The trust and respect will have left the building.

I couldn’t carry on with life as normal knowing that a woman on the school run had seen my husbands bits. I’d have to move

I think the pre-planning about changing her name would do it for me. It means that he never even bothered lying to himself that it was friendly "banter". He absolutely knew what he wanted to happen. It wasn't even a colleague he might have got too close from spending a lot of time together, working in the same field etc. This was somebody at the school gates.

I don't for a moment believe that nothing physical happened. Women always say their husband never had the chance to do this but you'd be amazed at the inventiveness of people. (I mean I wouldn't be having it off in the backseat of a car in a secluded spot but people do.) Your husband after all swore an oath in front of his friends and family that he would forsake all others. He didn't keep that one and swearing on the lives of his children is just ridiculous. What does he think God is going to do - smite some innocent children? If he really cared about his children he wouldn't have become involved with this woman.

The thing is that your husband is deceitful. I suspect he has done it before and will do it again. A leopard very rarely changes it's spots - I have known or two and it was generally with a new partner who would have thrown them out without compunction and they had too much to lose. I am afraid your husband still has his spots fully visible. He wasn't even insanely careful to prevent you finding out. He wasn't even polite enough to do it with somebody you wouldn't have to see on a regular basis.

I think that I could not get past this and I'd be getting out while I was young enough to start again rather than finding out about another infidelity in 10 years time or 15 years time. Don't stay with him and waste your life because of what some people might gossip about for a few months. I'd get an STI check too. I think I would tell the husband of the other woman because I wouldn't think it fair that her life carries on uninterrupted though of course your husband is just as culpable as he was married too.

Ew, what a creep. They're both revolting. Even if this isn't a deal breaker for you in terms of content I don't think I could love and respect someone who thought this kind of behaviour was anything other than utterly gross, especially with someone you see on the school run!

He sent nudes? Disgusting and stupid. The thing I tell my teens never to do.

I'd really struggle to trust him after this grubby deception.

How could you forgive this?
So he’s there photoing his knob and wanking off to her pictures- when you are in the house.
lovely stuff.
And hiding her name…
He knows exactly why he was doing it OP
Ne t comes the “maybe I’m depressed”.
Then the “it was a mistake”.
Then offers to go to counselling (because he doesn’t know why he enjoys naked pictures of someone you both know)?

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

What an awful shock. You must feel like your whole world has been pulled from under you.

Take everything one day at a time. I would suggest though that your DH leaves the family home for the time being - at least a couple of weeks. You need space and thinking time.

I don't think you can get clarity about what you want to do when your DH is in your face.

I’m sorry for you, what a huge shock and betrayal. It happened to me also, Ex sent texts to many women. Reflecting back, I still don’t know if my Ex slept with any of them, but it’s highly probable. But honestly it almost doesn’t matter, your husband might not have yet, but you will always know that sleeping together is where it was headed. And honestly the betrayal I think doesn’t have to include sex, it’s big enough.

So I wouldn’t angst too much about whether he has had sex, about who started it. The pain and betrayal is already there for you. He’s already crossed that line and betrayed your trust. It’s a huge emotional betrayal. He’s taken the security right from under you. It’s awful and you need to look after yourself, this can take a toll on not just your emotional health but physically too.

You are now Number One. Just remember that. Everything you do, do for you, your wellbeing, your security, your safety. I’m sorry to say but do go for an STI test no matter what he says. I did and it helped me feel a little more in control and it brings it a little bit more real. You cannot totally believe him at the moment, as he’s lied.

The one good thing is he did immediately tell you once found out. I don’t think this means he hasn’t massively betrayed you. But I do think it shows he has not grown so used to lying and so used to treating you less than human that his immediate response was to cover up and lie again, like most cheaters do.

Good luck. Lots of us have been where you are. It’s horrible. But we do survive.

I'd look her up and down at school very obviously, then say - "oh sorry I was just trying to imagine you naked! But there's no need to imagine though is there?!" And just walk off.

Then the “sex addiction” bollocks and you don’t put out enough

Stupid man deserves to lose the comfort of his family life.

@Gettingthere2022

You are an inspiration to all women who have been cheated on.

Oh god that's atrocious;what was he hoping to gain?;sex from the sounds of it.That would be game over for me.

OP my parents have been married for over 50 years. My mum had an affair when they'd been married for around 20 years and my dad had some sort of one-sided emotional affair a few years after that. They did manage to work through it each time.

They don't have the best marriage, not by a long chalk, but oddly I think the infidelity wasn't actually the problem. It was perhaps symptomatic of larger problems. So personally, I wouldn't necessarily be ending a marriage abruptly for this incident. However, I would bear in mind that there may well be a lot more to it than just this and there may well have been other stuff your husband hasn't admitted to.

I'd be seeking couples therapy to find out what the deeper issues might be and whether or not you want to work through them. If you don't, the therapy might at least help an amicable split. I'd mentally box her up and ignore. She's a waste of your time.

And you don't need to make it now.

Give yourself time. Is there anyway he can give you space? Spare room/sofa at the least, somewhere else at best.

Is there anyone in RL you can talk to? Can you get counselling to help sort your feelings?

This isn't a soap. Take all the time you need, but don't let him flannel you.

Did you keep screenshots?

And the Relationship board on here is wonderfully helpful both emotionally and practically.

Good luck

What a tramp. The pair of them. I’d be telling her husband and kicking yours out. Disgusting the pair of them. I could never have another women laughing and sniggering at me knowing she had seen my husbands bits. And I could never forgive him for even doing this, how the hell didnit all start? Sorry but Scumbags

It is both of them! Not just the OP's husband.
The blame is on both of them.
I would have to Chuck him out for abit to make him realise how serious it is.
Maybe I would take him back. Depends on how I felt but after been cheated on before and 'putting up with it' from my ex I don't think I could do it again.

You’ve said Op you can’t imagine life being different but whatever you decide it is. Realistically if you give him another chance you’ll have to change the childrens’ school and possibly activities, possibly move house. I can’t see any way you can carry on as he’s done dirty on his doorstep. If he’s 20 mins late from school drop off you won’t know if he’s having sex with her in her car or was genuinely helping the caretaker move some chairs. Every time you see her it will dredge it up. Will she ramp things up if he breaks it off with her? Not sure if your children are close too. It’s totally untenable. Plus what if her husband finds out and publicly calls him out/posts your husband’s dick on the class parents group. It’s a ticking time bomb you can’t just sweep under carpet.

You are jumping ahead. You need to deal with what has happened. Don't worry about all that yet as you need to process this!