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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DH has been messaging another woman!

322 replies

Cheated85 · 16/05/2022 11:41

So my DH has been messaging another woman. I found out at the weekend. We’ve had no problems and thought we were happy. The woman in question is another mum from school who is renowned for this sort of behaviour and I can’t believe my DH has done this. I feel sick just typing it out. He hasn’t slept with her and I do believe that as I’ve no idea when this would have happened. I caught him because a message popped up from someone on his phone with a name I didn’t recognise (he’s changed her name) and asked him about who it was and I could tell by his face and he then was completely honest about the messages. Showed me everything etc. He says he’s no idea why he was doing it and what he thought would have come of it if I hadn’t found out. I’m devastated at the thought of breaking up our family unit and don’t want this for our children. He says he doesn’t want that either and will do anything to avoid that. What I’m asking is, if you’ve been through this, have you been able to move on and be happy? I feel like the trust has been broken and unsure how I can get over it? I’m embarrassed to admit this is also very much about pride. I can’t cope with the thought of people talking about me. I don’t want to let my family down and just can’t imagine life not like it is now. I know that’s ridiculous but I’m finding it so hard to make a decision on what to do for the best.

OP posts:

NoThanksThough · 16/05/2022 14:29

CoastalWave · 16/05/2022 13:18

I think most men are capable of this - their brains are wired differently.

For me, I wouldn't personally break up a family of 4 kids and a marriage because of one almighty fuck up by him. He's a bloody idiot (understatement) Also, I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction.

I would have to have it out with her - and then I'd delete and block her. She sounds like an absolutely snake. You two need to go to marriage counselling.

For better or for worse - I took my vows seriously and personally I would want to save my marriage.

I take my vows seriously too but it's kind of conditional on the person I made then with also taking them seriously. Once someone has cheated or crossed a serious line like this then they are showing they don't they don't their own vows seriously, the person sending nudes to other women is the one who has broken the family up here, when they get caught and their spouse chooses to end things it doesn't mean they aren't taking their vows seriously. It means they dont want to stay with someone who has no respect for her.

I wouldn't choose to stay with a cheat just to avoid giving the other woman "satisfaction" either.

Seraphinesupport · 16/05/2022 14:32

sorry but id never trust him again. how embarrassing for you having someone now think your married to a cheating dirtbag, no doubt telling people he wants to sleep with her.

Thing is if you forgive him then it allows him to do it again and think he got away with it so why not do it again. i bet he has even done it before

Bunnyfuller · 16/05/2022 14:37

It is a huge decision, but let’s be clear: this is NOT you breaking up the family unit, this is HIM having already broken up the family unit.

it started somehow, and gradually escalated. Presumably he is as aware as you are of her alleged reputation (this picture of her seducing all the local husbands, poor things…).

he carried on with it despite knowing you knew her, and see her regularly at the school.

he had her in his phone under a different name to hide what was going on from you.

he is playing the innocent victim saying he didn’t know what he was doing. So presumably he doesn’t know it’s not ok to share sexual pictures with someone other than his wife?

he sounds as pathetic as the MP caught watching porn whilst the British public paid him to work.

if your kids are young it is much better to end it now than wait until they’re older and he can manipulate their loyalties and them know more of what is going on. Do you want them growing up having that as a role model?

DrManhattan · 16/05/2022 14:41

Get rid

MUM2TJ · 16/05/2022 14:41

Hi op,
How did it all start?
I know it doesn't really matter as its now done but how did they go from being friends/facebook friends to this?
It doesn't make sense, for example most parents at the school gates say a quick hello or how you doing etc they don't just suddenly send naked pics

HeyDelRey · 16/05/2022 14:43

I'd print out the pics, put them in an envelope and then give them to her husband. "Your wife sent these to my husband...".

I'd also kick him out - it's the only way to show him you mean business and that his actions have consequences. Also, tell his bloody mother. The more his dirty secret is out on the open, the less special and fun it becomes once exposed to the light of day. Then, take time to decide what you want. You're in shock at the moment and it's very hard to think with the other party in the house. You need to think back and consider how this started plus any late meetings / other unusual events during which he could have been with her - basically anything that doesn't add up with his version of events.

SlightlyJaded · 16/05/2022 14:45

Step one - ask him to leave.

No matter how this plays out, he needs to understand the magnitude of what he has done. If - down the line - you decide that for whatever reason, you want to make your marriage work, he has to have felt the fear of losing you now or he will never respect you and can never be trusted.

Dixiechickonhols · 16/05/2022 14:45

I suspect as you dig deeper the next update will be it was just a kiss, then it was just one time etc.
Think about all the times he’s not with you. Has he been working overtime? Gym? Suddenly volunteering to take children to activities.
If you are going to move forwards then you need to know everything. I can’t imagine a woman sending a full nude to someone they’re not intimate with.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 16/05/2022 14:45

Cheated85 · 16/05/2022 14:13

Of course I’m mad at them both and in my opinion are equally to blame. She knows exactly what she was doing. If she was some random who didn’t know me then that would be different.

So did your DH though.

He fell for a well known attention wh*.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/05/2022 14:46

Also, everyone telling her to print the pictures, didn't the OP say that her husband has deleted everything already? So that ship has sailed

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 16/05/2022 14:52

My sister went through something similar with her husband. They stayed together for the sake of their kids and their marriage but to be honest, they're the most miserable couple I've ever known. Their marriage died the day he did what he did, they just refuse to acknowledge it.

Tryhard40 · 16/05/2022 14:52

You read posts like these on MN every day and the thing that sticks out the most to me is how monumentally thick these people must be to actually think that their spouses aren't going to find out? I mean, a mum/dad from school - I would think in the same or a few degrees removed social circle? With kids in the same classes/clubs etc?

Who on earth ARE these people?? It's like something out of a soap opera.

Surely at least if you were going to cheat you would do so in a different town/under a false name etc.? So on top of the fact he's a cheating, lying bastard he also can't be arsed making much effort to try and do it with some9ne you are unlikely to come across in RL?

OP - he's a disgusting wanker of the highest order and has absolutely no respect for you. He is basically doing it right under your nose with a woman you probably see on the school run.

No way would there be any going back from that if my DH did anything so disrespectful, skanky, vomit-inducing and just plain thick as a bag of spanner's. I would lose all respect and it'd never come back. End of!

PropertyTalk1 · 16/05/2022 14:52

If it were me, I'd tell him to leave. I could never trust him again. He got caught so he told you. If he hadn't have been caught out, he'd have just kept doing it. He will do it again as clearly has an itch he must scratch. Focus on your kids. You can reveal how vile the woman is to the rest of the school mums and dad's if you would like to (this is your choice, but I would warn other women for sure), and then move on. I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better and in time you'll realise this. No one deserves to be treated like this and it'll only get worse and he'll become more careful when hiding it. xxx

Chamomileteaplease · 16/05/2022 14:55

I understand your feelings of turmoil.

My guess it though, that you will try to continue your marriage but you will no longer be able to respect your husband and the marriage will fold.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

Normando91 · 16/05/2022 14:58

I couldn’t get past something like this. The trust would be gone forever, I’d constantly be wondering whether he was messaging/sending or receiving explicit images from another woman. I completely understand your reasoning for not wanting to break up your family and the humiliation you would feel making it public knowledge what he has done but no one is ever going to blame you or make you feel embarrassed about it. He’s caused the situation- well and her, she sounds like a nasty piece of work- and people will look at him differently, not you.
At the end of the day, you need to do what’s best for you and your kids. I’m sure you wouldn’t want them growing up in an environment of resent and mistrust between their parents. Despite what some people may say, divorce doesn’t mess children up. Had my parents stayed together after my dad was unfaithful- that would have messed us up.

So sorry you’re going through this. What pieces of shit they both are 😔

sweetgingercat · 16/05/2022 15:02

Focusing on the other woman is just diverting you away from the real issue - your husband, who is the one with a commitment to you. Yes, she is a horrible, awful woman, but she has no part in you or your children's future lives.

I think your husband is disingenuous - by seeming to have no idea or motivation why he's done this, duplicitous - by changing her name and has gone quite far down the line of infidelity by sending nude photos back and forth.

Try not to brush it under the carpet or make it easy for him to come back to you. Give yourself time and space to understand what he has done and what life you want now and whether you want him back. If it helps, ask him to move out for a while so you can think, work out whether you want him with you or not. If you can make sure he understands he has thrown something away - you, your trust, your relationship - and he doesn't get it back so easily. He needs to understand what he has lost and learn to value it again before he gets it back. If he doesn't have to work to get you back, what stops him from doing it again. Does he value you?

It's not you who should feel embarrassed in front of other people, it's him. He should feel small and stupid, because that's what he's been. You are the one with dignity and choice. People will respect that.

DorritLittle · 16/05/2022 15:03

I am sorry OP. I also wouldn't be able to get past this. The trust would be gone.

Nopetryagain · 16/05/2022 15:06

I’m sorry but if my husband sent nudes to another woman I would have to leave. The trust would be completely broken.

pedropony76 · 16/05/2022 15:07

It’s not like she sent him nudes and he just encouraged them (which is bad enough).
He also sent nudes back? Sorry but fuck that. He should be out of the door, swearing on his kids lives changes nothing

tableanadchairs · 16/05/2022 15:08

I think l would sent her a message back letting her know that you have seen all the messages and pictures and thank her for keeping both you and your husband entertained for such a while-it has been very amusing !!!( even thought it's not she won't know that !!)
Oh and l would let her think other people have been aware she has been doing this and she is the playground joke.
Then l would keep my powder dry and go about getting my ducks in a row- your husband doesn't deserve you.
Trust is broken and it will never be back to what it was
you deserve better

Thinkingblonde · 16/05/2022 15:08

The mere fact that he changed her name on his contacts shows he was hiding something, if the messages were innocent he wouldn’t have done this.
He could have blocked her, after telling her he was committed to you, his wife but he didn’t, he reciprocated.
As for him not knowing where it would lead…Bollocks to that. he may not have ‘known’ but he was hoping it would go further...
Sorry to say this and I don’t mean to upset you any more than you already are but I wouldn’t take his word for it that it was just nude pictures and sexual, flirty texts. I would get myself an STD test at a sexual health clinic.

momtoboys · 16/05/2022 15:14

AryaStarkWolf · 16/05/2022 13:08

Ah I missed that, cheers.

Yeah, tell her husband OP fucking hell

Show quote history

I wouldn't give a rip about seeing her at school drop off. I would call her husband immediately and let him in on what you know.

regentnine · 16/05/2022 15:18

I've experienced similar - ex-h was messaging two women, no nude pix, but sexual content in the messages. We split up because of this and he's now with the second woman, even though he swears there was no actual sex before we split. Tbh I don't care if they had sex or not, the content of the messages was the betrayal and to me was as much an affair as any physical contact.

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP, and I'm not saying you can't salvage your relationship, but I don't think it even sounds like he's taking responsibility for what he's done, and that's got to be the starting point, not blaming the other woman. She didn't force him to send sexts and nudes, and people don't do this kind of thing with no idea of where it will lead.

brookstar · 16/05/2022 15:22

Why bother playing games? Especially ones that don't acknowledge the extent of what he has done.

My one bit of advice is don't hide it. If you do split up make sure people know why. I made the mistake of not telling people my Ex-H had been unfaithful and it backfired monumentally as he managed to change to narrative to paint himself as a victim. I wish I'd told everyone what he'd done rather than try to be nice.

SpidersAreShitheads · 16/05/2022 15:26

PoleaxedAndSome · 16/05/2022 12:14

I have a similar sad thread going on at the moment, called ‘is it ever just texting’. Spoiler, it wasn’t and he’s now been moved out a month. I really feel for you, and wish you the best whatever you decide to do 💐

@PoleaxedAndSome I was following your thread, good to see you here. Hope you're doing OK, you've been bloody amazing.

@Cheated85 it sounds like you caught it before anything physical happened. I'd normally be the first to say ditch the cheating bastard, what he's done is just as bad as physically cheating imo. But if I'm being honest, if I were in your shoes, once the initial anger had passed, I might be inclined to give things another try. Maybe. It sounds like maybe your DH just was flattered by the attention and was enjoying the thrill of it all. It doesn't mean it would definitely have meant that he'd have taken the next step. Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't. Only you know if there were any other red flags, suspicion of cheating in the past? We're all human, one stupid mistake might just be one stupid mistake that he got caught up in. The threat of losing you might be enough to stop him ever doing it again. Before you decide whether you can try and move on, can you get some space from him? Can he move out for a bit, or can you stay with parents? I think he needs to realise how serious this is, and you need some space to think about what you want to do. Splitting up is the obvious answer, as this is just awful. But you've got young children, shared custody is no fun, and if your relationship was otherwise good and no track record of anything remotely dodgy, you might decide to try and move on. Maybe joint marriage counselling? I'm so sorry this has happened to you. My initial reaction is to kick the bastard out and never let him near you again, but if I'm being honest, I'd be thinking long and hard about whether that's what I really did want or whether it's recoverable. A lot would depend on how contrite he was and whether he seems genuinely open about what's happened, and fixing things.

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