DH and career, salary

[hjliu8999]

To preface this with, this issue is not new and has been a source of tension between DH and I ever since we got together decades ago. But just had yet another fight with DH regarding his job and whether he should look for something else.

He's been in his current position for three years now, no salary increase and no promotion - and realistically it just wont happen, they said so. I've been trying to encourage him to move on. He admits he doesnt like his job or sector so it's not like he loves it or anything but just doesn't know how to look for anything else.

And frankly am fed up. We used to live abroad where he was in the same position for ten years - no promotion and just inflationary salary increases. We came back due to my job so he found the first thing he could and basically it's the same thing. But by now we have DC and London is really expensive (his current job is also half the money he earned abroad). By now he's 42 so time is not exactly on his side. And I appreciate that 55k is not nothing, but he has three degrees and is working in a professional job.

From my side I do work full time - in the sector that he used to work in and by now earn more than he does. But it's a public sector ish job and I wont be able to find anything in the private sector (those jobs just dont exist). Realistically my pay progression is rubbish (max I will ever earn is probably 70kish) but I do have a lot more flexibility and annual leave so do more of the childcare.

Am just really fed up. With the cost of living going up along with interest rates - we have a big mortgage - and I dont know how to convince DH that he needs to find something else. He accuses me of wanting him to earn more money - like thats a bad thing or something. Am I being unreasonable or is he? Any tips on how to change things.

It just feels like a lot of drip-feeding to make him sound worse and worse... If he was on £20k per year, and you were on £90k, I might think you were more justified.

I think you're being very unfair. Leave him alone

SO WHY DON'T YOU PAY FOR CHILDCARE?

Sorry for the shouting, but you seem determined to ignore this - pretty important - question!

So I have this similar situation with my husband. I earn more and am more motivated by salary etc.

I have raised the topic with him that he might want to look for a better paying job because he doesn’t get as much as he could for his skills (IT). But he said no and he likes where he works etc

I don’t wanna make him unhappy, so I haven’t forced it. Instead I just get on with my job and have changed my view to me being the highest earner long term, so I can plan my career moves accordingly.

I did this because if the boot was on the other foot and he was pushing me to get another job I would hate him for it. it would cause resentment.

are u sure he really cares about earning more? Are u sure he could earn more if he was motivated to try? Is it worth the effort of making a big deal out of it? If it is then I would suggest a direct conversation outlining how you feel and what it means to you, but be prepared for him to say no. Then you need to have a next move for that eventuality.

I looked at my situation, and realised yes, I would like to have more family income, but like you, we are quite well off, and i made peace with my husbands decision. As I would have wanted him to do if the roles were reversed.

... or rather, I should have asked, why don't you pay for better, more appropriate childcare?

I don't know why it's acceptable for a parent, any parent, to do no pick ups or drop offs tbh.

I do pay for childcare but I can't always pick up at 6 and do my job. I can do it most of the time but feel its unfair that I can't basically do my job properly by having to do all drop offs and pick ups while my husband's keeps hating his job and doing nothing about it. We cannot afford a full time nanny, I would get one if we could but we cant

And none of this would be a problem if he actually liked it. But he hates it, has given up on ever liking a job if he can't be an academic.

On an £800 per month food bill and having spent 10k of savings in the last year, I'm not surprised you can't afford it.

Oh yes you can afford a nanny. You can make it more affordable by having a nanny share.

You are choosing not to afford one.

Sorry. Your DH sounds like a complete arsehole, but you are being very martyrish about all of this as well. You earn a very decent salary and, combined with your husband's - even if you don't think he's earning what he should be - you really can afford better childcare that would free you up.

I think if you had put in orginal post about dh expectations of lifestyle you may have had different vote outcome

No quite, the idea that all jobs fit around childcare finishing at 6 is laughable, as is a parent going into a job without any flex to do their share of pick ups and drop offs.

He sounds rigid and depressing to be around - he's boxed himself in, and now he's fantasising about chucking it all in rather than just getting a job he likes more with more flexibility as most of us would.

The "for richer, for poorer" parts of wedding vows are really important. At first sight it's vvu for OP to have a go at her husband for earning a salary that's well above average, even for London.

However, there are clearly some other issues here. At a minimum:

(a) It'd be vvu for him to expect her to push the envelope career wise if he's not prepared to do the same;

(b) The [apparently] large mortgage is a clear issue here;

(c) So is his [apparent] insistence on a relatively lavish lifestyle; and

(d) Marriage is a partnership, and if one side is bringing less to the table moneywise it is only right that they do what they can in other departments, which doesn't sound like it's happening here.

Not everyone want to climb the ladder

I think you have to both work out what you want. It’s ok if he’s happy with what he’s earning but what’s stopping you earning more like you want to? Can he take the pressure off in other areas of your joint life so that you can focus on progressing your career and getting to where you want to be.

Your OP is completely misleading

it is not his lack of ambition that is the issue

It is a partner who seems utterly financially thick and then other partner feeling that from the get go two decades ago, this man has been taking the piss.

this is no way to live op. You’ve spent a good portion of your adult life with a great deal of resentment at your lot in life with this man who seems quite….stupid in his understanding of finances

Friends have gone to America. He's the academic. Got a job with American top university, they also arrange his wife a job at the university as part of the package. They have a huge house, kids have lovely lifestyle.

It’s not your fault that he’s a failed academic, is it?

It sound like he’s having a protracted sulk because you succeeded where he couldn’t.

I say that as a former academic who was never going to get promoted.

He sees himself as a ‘failed academic’ even if he won’t outright admit it. So he’s whinging, being difficult and refusing to support your career.

Add me to the list of posters who voted YABU but has changed my mind with your subsequent updates.

You've had lots of good advice, but I would just add that your DH cruising in a job he hates is not going to end well. At some point he'll throw in the towel altogether or he'll be let go. Then what?

Secondly, with him deliberately jeopardizing your career progression by not doing his share of childcare, as well as spending excessively and running through your savings, your clear and present resentment will grow. Grow to the point where you can't stand the sight of him.

I feel you need to take this into consideration now and plan accordingly. Marriage counselling might help, but I fear his attitudes are so entrenched that it would only serve as a temporary sticking plaster.

Ideally I would like him to find a job he enjoys rather than tell me on a daily basis that it's pointless and soul destroying.

I would want my partner to get a job they enjoy 100% and I understand your urgency seeing as he’s 42 and it will be harder to get a good job soon.

But this shouldn’t be about salary considering he’s on a very good wage already and he’s not a child - if he hates his job then it’s his problem and he either finds a new one or puts up with it.

This definitely shouldn’t be an argument you have regularly and I’d stop discussing it anymore.

Its ridiculous he’s staying in a job he hates but that’s his choice.

It’s about salary though because he wants a lifestyle they can’t afford (they’re burning through savings).

First world problems right here!

We live in the first world

so anyone living in the uk with any financial convene or indeed any concern should just be grateful they don’t live in the third world?

daft poster!

His is luckily not a corporate job but a highly skilled one where promotions are based on the skill and people management - which he is good at. But he is not a forward planner, who considers future income v lifestyle. We are comfortable now but won't be when we need to move out of a 1 bed and have kids. He has never been ambitious or driven by money/promotion which is fine by me. But when bosses were pushing him to apply for promotion and he couldn't be bothered, i needed to step in. Like I told him, if you really hate the promotion you can always go back but it's a waste of an opportunity if not. And we need the money! He did get the promotion and like I predicted he is enjoying it now - some people just need the guidance and career coaching and then can fly. Others will forever resist change.