DH and career, salary

[hjliu8999]

To preface this with, this issue is not new and has been a source of tension between DH and I ever since we got together decades ago. But just had yet another fight with DH regarding his job and whether he should look for something else.

He's been in his current position for three years now, no salary increase and no promotion - and realistically it just wont happen, they said so. I've been trying to encourage him to move on. He admits he doesnt like his job or sector so it's not like he loves it or anything but just doesn't know how to look for anything else.

And frankly am fed up. We used to live abroad where he was in the same position for ten years - no promotion and just inflationary salary increases. We came back due to my job so he found the first thing he could and basically it's the same thing. But by now we have DC and London is really expensive (his current job is also half the money he earned abroad). By now he's 42 so time is not exactly on his side. And I appreciate that 55k is not nothing, but he has three degrees and is working in a professional job.

From my side I do work full time - in the sector that he used to work in and by now earn more than he does. But it's a public sector ish job and I wont be able to find anything in the private sector (those jobs just dont exist). Realistically my pay progression is rubbish (max I will ever earn is probably 70kish) but I do have a lot more flexibility and annual leave so do more of the childcare.

Am just really fed up. With the cost of living going up along with interest rates - we have a big mortgage - and I dont know how to convince DH that he needs to find something else. He accuses me of wanting him to earn more money - like thats a bad thing or something. Am I being unreasonable or is he? Any tips on how to change things.

Trust me he has already been told just how colonial, white cis privileged that sounds.

“And do ask him how he thinks living off savings in a cheaper country, using money made whilst in wealthy, capitalist economies that rely on exploitation of the global poor to keep functioning fits in with his perception of himself as a left winger destroying right wing bogeymen.”

@AppleandRhubarbTart 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 I would bloody love to be a fly on the wall for that. You are spot on.

As is @Movingonup22 - political philosophy. I’m will to bet that this pisstaker doesn’t actually do anything to redistribute wealth - like volunteer to mentor disadvantaged kids, or cut his “special diet” to donate to a food bank.

@hjliu8999 Your youngest starts school in September. Even if there not mad keen on wrap around (and you don’t know that! Mine loved it) it’s only a few hours either side. This is the time for you to push forward what you want!

Why do some women always seem to need their man to be endlessly progressive upward and onward?
If he got a better job then what? Would you be happy for him to stay in it forever or would you still think he should be trying for more?

Have you read the updates?

And thanks @Testina! Honestly, I have no problem with people wanting what they want, but call it what it is and don't blame the system when apparently your only problem with it is that it hasn't given you quite enough wealth and privilege yet.

Ok so going back to your OP it all ties up now.

Him changing job to something with a bit of flexibility to support childcare arrangements and also something he can stay in until retirement, is really the only non nuclear way out of this. So it makes total sense that he needs to get a new job.

I think you need a timeline in your mind for how much longer you're prepared to support this status quo, what are your priority changes and then communicate that to him.

If it's get a new job where he can do 50% of pick ups and drop offs ( with use of before and after school club) then it makes sense for that to be in place before DC starts school in September.

@Tamzo85 see when a thread is on page 13? That’s a sign that “show all” from the OP is a good move.

So again @hjliu8999 he missed an opportunity many parents took post covid before going back to the office to barter more flexibility into his contract for the kids.

Paying tax, making charitable donations, investing in small businesses overseas probably more helpful than him uprooting his family to teach English that can be learnt on any number of apps if of use. Not such a high personal benefit though.

I've read all your posts and I feel sorry for you. When it comes down to it your husband is lazy and whingy. I've dated plenty of men like this in the past and could easily have married one so trust me I relate. Where he's got lucky is he's found you - a clever, high flying, well-organised woman who thinks he's cleverer than her and hasn't yet fired him out of a cannon as a possible cure for his whiny-baby syndrome.

Let's get this straight - you live in London for both your jobs but you could theoretically move somewhere cheaper and do yours. You spend above your (joint) earnings partly because of his unwillingness to live like anything other than a king. He refuses to consider your joint kids in his career choices (dropping kids up at school and picking them up isn't an optional extra, it's a legal requirement!). He assumed you will be a listener, joint (at least) earner, main carer and worship at the tarnished altar of his tired ideals.

He's a pain!!!!

He sounds like he's been in an ongoing midlife crisis since birth possibly.

I respect his ideals (maybe you have some too if you ever have a moment to actually think) but they aren't a licence to lean on your wife and droop about in a sulk. Many jobs will allow him to exercise these ideals, most are not well paying because - and this will be a shock to him - they're mostly public sector/not for profits which DON'T PRIORITISE PAYING BIG SALARIES FOR HIS MEAT BUDGET OVER SERVING THEIR CAUSES.

FFS that was a direct hit straight between the eyes @BowerOfBramble

Very well said.

“His meat budget” 😭

Sorry if that was unnecessarily harsh. What I did was dump the highish earning whinger and vowed never to date anyone who hates their job ever again. Now with someone who earns far less than me but loves his work, has time to do stuff around the house (and doesn’t think he’s too grand to) and doesn’t ruin every evening by chuffing on about airy fairy plans to “escape” work that will never come to anything.

I should probably have chosen money but honestly if it’s money and whinging over no money but a happy and supportive partnership, that’s the choice I’ve made. Your H needs to realise that you’re serious that things need to change. Not a new job but a new attitude where he isn’t the Lo Carb Little Lord Fauntleroy takes equal responsibility for the stuff that really matters, including boosting up the other members of the family rather than bringing them down, or ships out to Gap Yah Island.

I don't think it was harsh at all Bramble. It was also pretty funny - & humour can help in seemingly hopeless situations, so I hope OP got at least a wry giggle out of it, as ridiculous as her H is, she's the one who has to live with him & constantly accommodate his selfishness.

OP - I'm one of the PP who responded harshly to your initial post, as (no doubt down to strain & exhaustion) you didn't explain how ... intractable H is.

But allow yourself to daydream.
If he was out of your life, you could downsize to a county with a respected university, get your professorship on track, & be supported by a housekeeper/nanny/au pair/whatever.

What's that worth to you - in your one shot at life?
& what is the emotional.financial cost to you of just tolerating the miserable status quo?

He sounds like a dickhead frankly.

I'm a lifelong leftie and would never in a million years vote conservative. I don't like the "system" either. But I still think he's a bellend. We have to work with what we've got.

Op

On a day to day level, what’s the atmosphere like in the home?

We barely have time for each other at the moment - too much work and lots to do with the kids. We sort of co-exist as a couple of people trying to manage everything

I think it's very sad that he resents you "making it" in academia and it is most definitely not "fine". He should be your biggest cheerleader, should be proud of you and pleased that your life is working out as you wanted and hoped.

The more you post the more unhappy the situation sounds and I think you will come to resent him. As others have said the atmosphere will become toxic and unpleasant and your children will notice this.

I agree completely with @BowerOfBramble and I would be very concerned if you were my daughter. Your dh sounds like the worst sort of spoilt brat.

You’re in a really difficult almost no win situation. Its not fair that your DH is refusing to address how you can maintain the standard of living he is accustomed to, (as you are more than willing to cut costs) if he remains in his position in a job he doesn’t like. You unfortunately have fundamental differences about what savings are for. To me he’s being very selfish. What if they were needed for something really serious? I don’t think as you do, he should remain in a role that he doesn’t like or want to be in. But you can’t be a champagne socialist & expect to enjoy the luxuries of a capitalist society yet not be prepared to work in a role that enables you to afford them. He’s being really immature, rigid & frustrating. If your savings are joint then you can’t really ringfence them from him, because if his life were to substantially change in the form of his luxuries, he might realise that these aren’t things he’s just entitled to. I don’t know what the answer is. You sound eminently supportive & practical- you’ve supported him & are encouraging of him trying a different career or role elsewhere. You appreciate that something has to give. He just doesn’t want to face up to reality & his moaning & blaming you & capitalism for his plight would really drive me mad. Especially when the division of Labour in your household is unfairly stacked in his favour. Very socialist of him. I suppose if he refuses to address things you wait until pressure is put on him via his work to get out or move up - when maybe an external deadline as it were will force him out of complacency. But that’s very stressful & not fair on you when we’re heading into recession & job uncertainty etc is high anyway. And in the meantime insist that if he choose to remain in that role that your savings can’t be used to supplement his income for leisure/lifestyle purposes as well. For the sake of your marriage. Or create a moaning less reward chart & treat him like one of the kids?

@LicoricePizza presumably if op wanted a 3rd child she'd do that - have to say a child would be less bother !

Sorry what I meant to say is it's ridiculous to have to treat a grown man in that way but he is certainly behaving like an entitled toddler.

🤣

And if I were op if the savings are joint I'd be setting up a separate savings account and not telling him

Not to joke at your expense OP

Of course - I don't think this is funny at all and I am quite serious in suggesting that op should begin to disentangle her finances from those of her dh. The suggestion made by a pp that she could pay for the support of an aupair/mothers help or alternative childcare which would allow her to focus on developing her career is a good one.

I think it's very sad that he resents you "making it" in academia and it is most definitely not "fine". He should be your biggest cheerleader, should be proud of you and pleased that your life is working out as you wanted and hoped.

I totally agree with this. The fact that you tried harder/got on better with people/had more talent - or even were more lucky - than him is not something about which he's entitled to feel peeved. Certainly not overtly and all this time later. It's almost like he feels you have to make it up to him for daring to make it in a field where he didn't. Maybe the £10k is just compensation for his pain and suffering in having to lower himself to getting a job which is, of course, also your fault OP.

I hate to say this but this is exactly the sort of guy who has an affair because they feel the world owes them whatever they want and anything that gets in the way is unfair. Hopefully that won't happen here but he does sounds vulnerable to cheap ego boosts.

@BowerOfBramble Am sure he is rife for an affair but you made a good point regarding his attitude to my job. I dont think he is proud. In fact, I often feel like it's become like a dirty secret between us when once it was definitely something we shared and could talk about. I understand that it must be pretty hard for him and lots of marriages probably dont survive when one partner 'makes' it so to speak and the other doesnt. We just seem stuck in a resentful limbo