DH and career, salary

[hjliu8999]

To preface this with, this issue is not new and has been a source of tension between DH and I ever since we got together decades ago. But just had yet another fight with DH regarding his job and whether he should look for something else.

He's been in his current position for three years now, no salary increase and no promotion - and realistically it just wont happen, they said so. I've been trying to encourage him to move on. He admits he doesnt like his job or sector so it's not like he loves it or anything but just doesn't know how to look for anything else.

And frankly am fed up. We used to live abroad where he was in the same position for ten years - no promotion and just inflationary salary increases. We came back due to my job so he found the first thing he could and basically it's the same thing. But by now we have DC and London is really expensive (his current job is also half the money he earned abroad). By now he's 42 so time is not exactly on his side. And I appreciate that 55k is not nothing, but he has three degrees and is working in a professional job.

From my side I do work full time - in the sector that he used to work in and by now earn more than he does. But it's a public sector ish job and I wont be able to find anything in the private sector (those jobs just dont exist). Realistically my pay progression is rubbish (max I will ever earn is probably 70kish) but I do have a lot more flexibility and annual leave so do more of the childcare.

Am just really fed up. With the cost of living going up along with interest rates - we have a big mortgage - and I dont know how to convince DH that he needs to find something else. He accuses me of wanting him to earn more money - like thats a bad thing or something. Am I being unreasonable or is he? Any tips on how to change things.

If he doesn't like his job or sector could you support him to train in something he is interested in?

I feel sorry for your husband. He moved countries for your job. He got himself another job, which (whatever you think of the salary) pays way over the average wage. Yet it is still not enough for you.

So I guess I am the unreasonable one.

To give some context - we have each supported the other financially and career wise so this isnt about me expecting men to earn more. I financially supported his final PhD year when he had no funding while a PhD student myself six months into the relationship so I don't just value money. I also moved countries straight after my PhD to follow his job all these years ago so whilst he technically came back to the UK for me - at the time his contract was running out and this was the only permanent gig for either of us going at the time.

However, I have sort of made it in my career as an academic - there simply arent jobs in my sector outside a university. I already work in one of the best unis in the country but to get to a professor at my age, DH would need to do more of the childcare and give me the flexibility to work longer hours or we have to pay more for childcare - neither of these things are possible with his current job. He doesnt earn enough for more after school care nor has flexi time. So I do most of the pick ups, drop offs and holiday cover.....because his employers called them back into the office five days a week and dont care that he has kids. However, in his current sector - if he had started sooner he would already be on 100k in London. So realistically his sector is much more lucrative than mine. In his case, he doesnt like applying for jobs because he says it's soul destroying. He admits that he wont be able to stay at his current job forever but has no idea how to move

You both earn very reasonable salaries but you want more. Looks like you are the one who is going to keep climbing the ladder if you can.

To those who say - he moved for my job - I only applied for the job because it was permanent and both our contracts were running out with no prospect of renewal. I had asked him to look for something else (because I was on maternity with a one month old at the time) but he said he didnt know how to. So really I didnt feel like I had much choice but to find a permanent job somewhere hence the move. I would have much rather stayed where we were

YABU. He works and earns a decent salary. By the sounds of it this is a long standing issue between you both. This must affect his confidence and feeling of self worth

This is all very well but why do you want him to earn more money? Because you (as a household) need it, or because you think he should?

YABVU. Your combined salaries should cover the basics and then some. If it doesn't, you need to look at where to cut your outgoings rather than trying to push him into being someone he's not. £110k is more than enough in London (I live there and earn far less!)

70k is rubbish?
Now I've heard everything...

Ideally I would like him to find a job he enjoys rather than tell me on a daily basis that it's pointless and soul destroying. But any suggestion that he finds something else are met with complaints about the capitalist system and how it's exploitative. So I would like him to either find a job he likes or find one with more money that would both enable us to get some more childcare or for him to go part time or something.

My other concern is that unlike in my sector (his previous sector) you can literally stay in the same job until retirement this simply isnt the case where he works now. If you dont go up, eventually you end up getting out.

I dont think 70k is rubbish but my husband also thinks that forcing him to spend less than 170-200 quid per week on food is against his basic human rights. He got used to us having a combined income of 190k per year without kids - so now doesnt want to cut back on anything, adjust to our lower income, or get a better paid job.

So you are fed up because you want more money, but have already discounted the possibility that you should be the one to change jobs, change industry, & chase promotion & better pay ..?

Why is it your DH's job to earn more money to satisfy you?

Stop browbeating the man - he's earning a decent, steady wage, & your harping on at him must make him feel dreadful. Stop it. You sound like a gold digger.

You're not unreasonable. He isn't earning enough to be completely unavailable for the kids.

You sound much more about money that he is. Perhaps he enjoys his position. Imagine being married to someone who constantly moans he is not earning enough money, what a sour marriage.

I financially supported him for a whole year as a student when we first got together, earn more than he does - but essentially cant do most of the childcare and chase a career while he moans about how much he hates his job, never changes it and expect us to maintain a lifestyle we had before kids when we both earned 190k per year combined. Am really not a gold digger

And again - he HATES his job, it's just the first thing he got.

It sounds like he moved from academia? As you know (from working in academia) having three degrees means little in terms of earning potential. I’m wondering if the transition in his career from academia has meant he’s taking a hit money wise now? Sounds like he’s feeling low in confidence and supporting him may work but pressuring him won’t. I don’t know which you do

He accuses me of wanting him to earn more money - like thats a bad thing or something.
He's right, & you are oblivious to your own hypocrisy.
You want more money, but you reckon you should be able to simply issue an instruction to your DH to go & get it for you, It doesn't seem to occur to you that you could go & get it for yourself, if a family income of "only" £110k doesn't satisfy you.

Am I being unreasonable or is he?
You are. He's bringing in £55k FFS.

Any tips on how to change things.
Yeah. Earn more money yourself, or move out of London.
Or maybe sack DH & replace him with a more satisfactory model on a high-octane salary, as that seems to be what's important to you.

Has he asked his work about flexibility to do more childcare? Could he WFH a day or two a week or condense his hours into 4 days? Or if you really want more money could he go part time or become a SAHD and you get an even higher paying job?

I'm sorry, but I find it very hard to believe that you can't afford childcare given the salaries you're both on.

How do you think most people manage?

Leave him alone. You get on with doing what you have to do for you to earn more money.

You seem to be confused about whether you want him to earn more money (which is what your OP says) or whether you want him to get a job he is happy in (follow up post). So you'd be happy if he got a job that he loved, but paid less?

He feels like any job outside academia is pointless and exploitative capitalist crap. But he also hasnt adjusted to a massive drop in our income since we both left our previous roles and any suggestions that we may need to adjust our expenditure is met with hostility about how I just dont care. For example, I dont think we can afford to spend 200 quid on food - but he now has a special diet and thinks it would be ridiculous to cut down. He also thinks expensive gyms are necessary together with multiple foreign holidays etc.

The salary/career progression thing sounds like a red herring to me. Presumably if the DH stopped whinging, took more responsibility for the children and actually accepted their lower income and adjusted lifestyle to allow for that the OP wouldn't be on here moaning. He does sound a bit of a misery and that would do my head in.

Yes, I would love for him to do either. I spent years trying to help him get a job he loves as an academic that doesnt pay all that much. But it didnt work out. I offered to pay for re-training but he cant decide what. It's not a question of him having a job he loves - that would be great. It's him giving up on liking any job full stop, hating the one he has and refusing to do anything about it

To be fair if my dh were in a job that he hated and moaned about but did nothing to change, that would annoy me. But I am not sure whether it is this that annoys you or the finances or both?

When you speak about additional childcare Op, you say that your dh isn't earning enough to cover this financially. Mumsnet wisdom around this is usually to treat childcare as a joint expense so that both parents pay into it. My first job back at work after the birth of my dc meant that after childcare, travel, pension etc was taken out it benefitted the family finances by around £30 a week! But it was worth it as it got me back into the workplace and allowed both my husband and I to build our careers up.