DH and career, salary

[hjliu8999]

To preface this with, this issue is not new and has been a source of tension between DH and I ever since we got together decades ago. But just had yet another fight with DH regarding his job and whether he should look for something else.

He's been in his current position for three years now, no salary increase and no promotion - and realistically it just wont happen, they said so. I've been trying to encourage him to move on. He admits he doesnt like his job or sector so it's not like he loves it or anything but just doesn't know how to look for anything else.

And frankly am fed up. We used to live abroad where he was in the same position for ten years - no promotion and just inflationary salary increases. We came back due to my job so he found the first thing he could and basically it's the same thing. But by now we have DC and London is really expensive (his current job is also half the money he earned abroad). By now he's 42 so time is not exactly on his side. And I appreciate that 55k is not nothing, but he has three degrees and is working in a professional job.

From my side I do work full time - in the sector that he used to work in and by now earn more than he does. But it's a public sector ish job and I wont be able to find anything in the private sector (those jobs just dont exist). Realistically my pay progression is rubbish (max I will ever earn is probably 70kish) but I do have a lot more flexibility and annual leave so do more of the childcare.

Am just really fed up. With the cost of living going up along with interest rates - we have a big mortgage - and I dont know how to convince DH that he needs to find something else. He accuses me of wanting him to earn more money - like thats a bad thing or something. Am I being unreasonable or is he? Any tips on how to change things.

Thought I recognised your user name

you started a thread last week about whether to ask your parents to babysit as you don’t feel comfortable with a stranger babysitting them. You made clear “money isn’t a problem”

Now that is a first world problem! 😂

It depends I suppose on whether he'd accept a certain lifestyle and the income just needs to match that, or whether he's one of those people who'll always spend what they have and more.

Thats literally my life.

@Ecclesfreckles

Irrespective of job
indeed irrespective even if in employment
an adult should not need his wife to sit him down and explain that if he wants X there must be £Y available to fund it
I say an adult but really anyone over about 8

Having read all your posts, OP (but not all the replies) I have concluded that your husband's salary is the least of your worries.

he is a misery - he moans about his job but doesn't do anything about it

he is financially irresponsible - he wants to live beyond his means, burning through savings, and reacts with hostility to your attempts to discuss budgeting

he takes no responsibility for childcare pick ups and drop offs, effectively sabotaging your career as a result

Each of those things could be a dealbreaker, in combination, it seems to me that he has a hugely detrimental impact on your life. If you stay with him, you'll end up with depleted savings and a stagnating career. Plus a lot of resentment to add to the resentment you presumably feel already.

Personally I'd insist on couple's counselling and changes or ending the relationship.

Also I think I would separate finances, too, if they are currently joint. Any joint savings, I would split 50/50. Pay your salary into your own account. Mortgage and fixed bills (council tax, utilities, internet etc) paid 50/50 or in proportion to salary. Anything extra he wants like expensive food, expensive holidays can come out of his personal account and/or savings.

This thread is amusing because so many MN academics (mostly, not me! ) complain about how terrible & unsatisfying it is to work in our sector, how any other employer would be better.

You've listed so many issues OP I don't know where to start. Insisting that he must "Stop whinging" is probably top of the list. Maybe if you could work on improving one issue at a time, some of the other things will self-resolve.

This.

You need to get a massive grip and get off his back.

I really think you could do with the original post being edited OP, it's very obvious who's read the updates and who hasn't.

Fuck me. Get off the poor guy's back!

And burn through the money she has earned, while using it for expensive gym memberships and holidays?

I agree with AnotherEmma

This isn’t about salary because there are bigger issues here.

It sounds as though you’ve tried to encourage him over the years and nothing has changed.

So the question is how long you’re going to stay in this situation and when you’re going to say enough is enough.

Catch yourself on. I had a bit of a strop when DH dropped from 40k to 8k. You're well off.

🙄

Am not saying we are not well off though with a massive mortgage of 430k (and trust me its a small house) and living in London, also not exactly rich. But I have a husband who hates his job, has no flexibility and refuses to change that. Am also concerned that without changing anything, he will be managed out by 50 or something, I mean there's no one there over 35 and then what. It's different in our previous jobs, you can basically keep the same one for thirty/forty years but I don't think its like that in the private sector in London. If you don't go up, they get you out

I read the posts, i found it extreme that they moved country because their jobs were finishing and there were apparently no other jobs in the country and that the only child care available in the whole of London requires a 6pm pickup. That DHs job has absolutely no flexibility at all, and that OP is accepting doing a higher paying job and All the childcare, because the ultimatum is that or DH is a SAHD. The op is misleading because it suggests he needs a new job, when actually she needs to LT moaning B and find alternative childcare and both of them need to stop living beyond their means. If their income isn’t enough to live in London I don’t know how the average person is London is still alive

Well you might find it hard to believe but that was my life. It's also not weird, my DH's contract was coming to an end and I was going to be on maternity leave with extra time on mine but also finishing. Forgive me for not choosing to stay in a country without a job or a visa. I had told DH back then that he needs to find something but he didn't want to leave academia. But the reality is if you don't get a permanent job in some places, you're out of the system. So yes I decided to cut short my maternity and apply for a permanent job for myself and it happened to be in London. My assumption was one professional and permanent job was better than none. So we came back

Op I accept the move may have been a sensible decision for you, but I just find the rest of it unlikely, or unreasonable
there are nanny’s and childminders - use one. would DHs job be flexible for a woman? Why is DH so happy to stay in a job he hates whilst moaning about it all the time? - is this your only issue? It seems odd to me and indicates other problems.

Does he usually try to manipulate you in to getting his own way through ultimatums?
and do you always choose to take on the whole burden yourself when he does. You’ll be the one to come off maternity and find a job because what? He was just going to leave you with a new born with no financial support and no visas? Awful if so.
and now you’ll be the one to damage your career because what? He’ll just leave his kids and not bother to pick them up? again awful if that’s who he is
if that’s the case I’ve got no idea why you’re with him and why you’re focusing on his relatively decent salary as the issue here

if you can justify all that because actually he’s a great man and this is the only issue in your relationship, and you think it’s not that bad, then surely you could let it go and leave him to do what he wants with his own career when you are hardly on the bread line (provided he stops spending all your savings obviously)

clearly that’s all up to you, but I think you’re both being unreasonable in different ways. Primarily him though, I’m just surprised you’re putting up with it

Private sector doesn’t throw you out at 50 if you haven’t been promoted!
I’ve always worked private sector, mostly big corporates (FMCG) and believe me these companies have been full of codgers as I now am - early 50s.
Obviously I’m not saying I know better than you for his current company, but it is an odd attitude to assume that generally about the private sector! Lots of companies want a core of stability of long standing staff mixed with the fast risers and high turnovers.

Honestly think I'd move away from him and London by securing a job elsewhere in academia.

On that salary in London a nanny is unaffordable. I have some good friends who are nannies and I couldn’t afford them even on a nanny share basis and while our income is a little less than OPs, our mortgage is much smaller.

I don’t know many childminders who work after 6 either. Those that do are no doubt more expensive hence OP saying she would have to pay a lot more out.

Something @AnotherEmma said rang true - it seems like he doesn’t want her to advance her career. Maybe he is a bit bitter that his wife is making it as an academic and being good enough to make professor when he can’t. I wonder how much of his behaviour is a result of that.

Agree random so would I.

I know that not everyone in the private sector gets kicked out age 50 - but there's not a single person in his current company over the age of 40 and those are the original founders. My concern is that eventually he will have to leave but it will be much harder to do so. Realistically most people in his role are ten years younger. By the time he leaves - will he get the next job? How much harder will that be as a 50 year old bloke who never got promoted in his current role, never undertook any additional trainings or got more responsibility etc. I know that in academia despite all the formal criteria, in practice if your age/face doesnt fit, you wont get it and thats what happened to him. He basically just go too old for the first set of jobs and not experienced enough for the next ones and just couldnt get anything. So am worried the same will happen here unless of course he stays there till retirement (though he isnt saving for his retirement so god knows what will happen then) but since the company has only been in existence for a short while not even sure how likely that is.

OP I totally get that it’s very easy to say and very difficult to do - but you need to cut him loose.

Its pretty obvious that’s he’s bringing very little to the table and I suspect you probably are just held together by a shared history now. If you met him now do you think you would spare him a second look?

dont get caught up in sunk costs. If I were you I would be prioritising a professorship - I would be making some pick ups his problem end of. And otherwise sorting childcare.

I would be sitting down and working out a budget and not putting up with his spending ways. I’d be locking savings away in fief term accounts. (I totally get this easier to say than do)

and I’d be planning an exit