I'm jealous of people who get inheritances

[Barnabee]

Yeah I know you'll all pile on telling me I should expect nothing. But some people have lovely families who want to pass something forwards to help their children. I'll never have that.

Excellent, thanks for the clarification.

Do think people who are not left inheritances do not have to clear houses.

Do you think they live in mid air, with no possesions and no legal dealings to sort out.

The destroying of families is usually down to greed.

@Onthedunes if someone is clearing a house they are inheriting the possessions there in, or a car etc.

Or are people solely discussing inheritances of 10k+ here?

Dealing with a small inheritance or no inheritance is legally less complex than a large estate with multiple properties/beneficiaries and disagreements that abound. Unless you’ve been through that or work in property law it’s difficult to grasp what is involved.

No one is forced to go through it. If having to sort out a large inheritance is so much work I'm sure there are ways you can just pay someone to sort it then give it all to charity instead.

@123rolo bit naive.

Yes you can pay somebody to do a house clearance and donate to charity of your own accord.

However you cannot account for the behaviour of other beneficiaries (sometimes 6-12 of them) who have differing behaviours and opinions. And you cannot pay somebody else to be you in the event of legal dispute.

@Robinni

I think this comes down to issues with people being selfish, entitled or spoilt.

Ultimately, it may be a pain in the arse to sort out, but the end result by the sounds of it is inheriting substantial amounts of money.

There are people out there struggling to feed themselves, and being worried they can never retire. I think most people would see hassle of sorting a large high value estate worth it for the security it'll bring them for the rest of their lives.

If it causes tiffs and arguments, that's the fault of the people involved, not the inheritance.

Any inheritance we receive is going to be very modest. And while DMIL is lovely, she is very very frail with several painful chronic conditions and she would be relieved to depart peacefully. As she's 93 and has been alone for 12 years in deteriorating health, I shall grieve for our loss but pray for a quiet peaceful passing.

Honestly I think some people who get an inheritance are just unable to put themselves in the shoes of those who get the 'experience' of losing their parent, but no money to cushion worries or provide security. Losing someone you love is hard full stop. Doing it with money that falls from the sky can give you some peace, knowing that financially you don't have to worry as much.

Grieving while you're skint is harder. Honestly. How can anyone not see that?

@123ROLO I can see where you are coming from with people in poverty etc.

However, having seen things go sour for a number of people the payoff may not be as great as it’s cracked up to be.

Amazing if families all hunky dory - how many families are?!

Mainly, I’ve seen people have to give up substantial chunks of life to care for elderly and/or to resolve dispute. They miss out on time to develop their own career, family, and wealth.

In some cases it can be a decade until they see anything, in others the whole inheritance or large part of it is spent on legal fees - so there may not be a giant pot of gold at the end of all the fuss. Very often it’s silly things like a piece of furniture or jewellery supposedly promised to one sibling but the other thinks they should have it.

Yes greed is a factor, but it’s also asking grief stricken people who may have barely seen each other in decades to cooperate.

I think you had a dreadful experience with what happened with your Mum, unbearably hard.

It’s true what they say that money or expectation of it can soften the blow - as somebody put it - however money doesn’t rain from the sky. A spouse may have access to a joint account but otherwise accounts/assets are frozen until it’s worked out who gets what. Most people are back to work quite quickly too after the funeral.

Mainly, I’ve seen people have to give up substantial chunks of life to care for elderly and/or to resolve dispute. They miss out on time to develop their own career, family, and wealth.

Are you being deliberately obtuse? Even people who don’t inherit anything care for elderly relatives, you know.

You seem fixated on delivering the same revelations time after time:

1 Families aren’t perfect (what??? Really?)

2 Sorting out probate involves admin (you don’t say!!)

3 Some people behave badly as a consequence of their, or somebody else’s, receiving an inheritance (that’s the plot of many potboilers)

4 Elderly people often need care (great, thanks for telling us)

Why? Is it to save face because you feel silly at not having understood the question?

My half brothers dad (my stepdad) died and he got a large inheritance - he felt guilty and asked me if I wanted a share. I refused because I still have my dad and wish he still had his! My stepdad was lovely. I wish he was still here. So does my brother. Neither of us are rich or wealthy or even comfortable tbh but we'd both still rather have him around. It's been years now and he still isn't over it and had to get help with alcoholism at one point from the grief.

I understand wishing for some way to have more money but being jealous of people who have lost beloved relatives is a bit off. You don't want the grief and loss that goes with it.

@Iamthewombat

Of course I understand the question - and I don’t think it’s unreasonable for OP to be sad they don’t have a family nor inheritance.

But I think jealousy needs to be put into context - inheritance, if significant enough to be life changing, can have strings attached.

• Discord in family
• Stress
• Time consuming
• Legal costs (can be substantial)
• Obligation to care for person leaving inheritance who may try and be manipulative

Viewing inheritance in an entirely positive light as some sort of God given gift from a perfect family is like something out of a movie.

There can be shitty circumstances that often accompany inheritance that any right minded person wouldn’t be jealous of. Why are you annoyed I’m pointing that out?

An inheritance can mean the difference between getting on the property ladder or not, on being able to support DC through education or help your kids on the property ladder. It doesn’t have to be loads. I think it’s very easy for people who have been left something to not understand the magnitude a gift like that means to a lot of people. I’m unlikely to receive a penny and neither is DH, my parents never inherited either, I’m fine with this we are comfortable ourselves.. Hopefully DD will and it will make her life easier. We all die but it makes me happy to think hopefully if all goes to plan DD won’t have a mortgage and won’t be worrying about gas bills or if she needs medical treatment or she has to stop working for some reason.

Everyone experiences difficulty and tragedy money makes life easier when you do. Ofcourse you don’t go “its shit mums dead but look at my bank account!” It just means you can do more for your family. If you really don’t feel like inheritance means anything to you then you aren’t obliged to keep it or hand any to your children given that it won’t make them feel better anyway. You don’t leave money to your kids to make them feel better its because you recognise what a lump sum of cash can do for someone life.

You don't want the grief and loss that goes with it

Those who don’t get inheritances experience grief and loss too.

It depends on how you plan things too.

My dad planned for after his death. Everything was saved to be given to me on his death. Well, care home fees are eating that up now.

Dh parents had the same experience with MILs mother. She was like my dad, scrimped and saved for “after her death”. She ended up with dementia too, but lived for over a decade (it wasn’t living, she was bed bound and couldn’t speak for most of it). Everything went within a couple of years.

PIL obliterated their life savings in their late 60s, and gave dh and his sister house deposits. They didn’t want them to wait until they were dead, they wanted to see them enjoy the money and to be frank, we would never have been able to buy a house without it. Renting meant we couldn’t save a penny even into our 40s.

They also put their home in a family trust years ago, which I know not everyone agrees with, but MILs mum had to move care homes three times when ill treatment was caught on camera and my dad was neglected in a home last year when we couldn’t see him when they were shut for covid outbreaks for two months, that investigation has brought up some awful things about the home which was part of an expensive chain.

So as far as PIL are concerned, they will do what they can to avoid paying for care if they can as even though two family members have been in expensive homes, abuse happens everywhere and even paying for the best place you can doesn’t stop that happening.

As for us, as soon as our mortgage is paid off and our youngest is grown, we will be moving into a tiny flat and giving our children a leg up while we are still here, god willing and all that. I won’t be repeating my dads mistake.

He was speaking to me when I visited last, saying how glad he was that he was leaving me the money to pay for dds wedding one day as he won’t be there to see it as she’s little now. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that there won’t be anything left, it’s all going on the care home. He still thinks he’s done right and we will be looked after when he’s gone, he’s too far gone with dementia to understand that he’s paying/how much he’s paying for the place he thinks is a prison.

You don't want the grief and loss that goes with it.

But you get that anyway, because nobody lives forever, and parents and grandparents don't usually outlive their children and grandchildren.

I don't know anyone who got a large inheritance. Large numbers of children per family meant that very little was accumulated, and when it was divided at was not much.

Of course we had no expectations.

It’s almost as if the thread didn’t happen, isn’t it?

They also put their home in a family trust years ago, which I know not everyone agrees with, but MILs mum had to move care homes three times when ill treatment was caught on camera and my dad was neglected in a home last year when we couldn’t see him when they were shut for covid outbreaks for two months, that investigation has brought up some awful things about the home which was part of an expensive chain.

This is a non-sequitur if I ever heard one.

You put a trust in place to avoid spending your own family’s money on care. Meaning that the public purse paid for the care of your elderly relatives instead. Nice. Of course, that means less money to help poorer old people who actually need it, but I don’t suppose that troubles you.

You then attempt to justify your dishonesty (don’t say, defiantly, “but it’s legal!!”. We all know what duplicity looks like) by saying that, in your opinion, the care on offer at the homes your elderly relatives were in wasn’t great. How is that relevant? It’s OK for everyone else to pay for expensive care for your family because it wasn’t up to your standards?

Great to see you preserving money for yourself, though. It’s inspirational. Think of that next time you are complaining about NHS waiting lists or understaffed A&E departments or benefit cuts or the increase in NI.

Why should your family not have to pay for their own care?

I am just saying what PIL did years ago, before I met them and telling people the reason.

I wouldn’t defiantly say anything about it, they are not my parents, I am not part of it.

An as for the care homes, please, it’s not just “not up to my standards”.

I can’t comment on what MILs mum went though as I didn’t know they then, but my father’s situation was very severe, it’s an ongoing case and really quite serious. It’s a horrific situation to be in.

Don’t make me out to be a cunt. I can’t stand it when people say “but I don’t suppose that troubles you!” I can almost see you joining your bosom as you do so.

Like it or not, some people do put assets in trust.

Would you like me to storm going to my parents in law and demand that they reverse something they did years before they met me?

I don’t have the energy for the indignation of someone of the internet. Maybe chanel some of the anger you have towards me into something you can actually change.

*hoiking your bosom.

Yes i cleared mum's house alone and dealt with all the bills and paperwork alone. After years of looking after her alone. And handed the keys back to the council alone. Whilst my older siblings went on holiday and continued with their busy lives....from a great distance.

So what's your point again?

I couldn’t give a shit if its legal or if they had to do it cloak and dagger under the cover of darkness. So no, I won’t be pulling that card. It’s not my business what other people chose to do with their assets, especially things they chose to do before they met me.

And hey, dh might fuck off and leave me before they die anyway, so it’s in no way “protecting my money” in any way, shape or form.

I preferred ‘joining your bosom’ but I’ll overlook it in my joy at having scored the first (I think) ‘hoiking your bosom’ of the thread.

All I need now is ‘why do you care so much?’ and ‘are you a troll?’ and I’ll have completed the set.

Here’s a tip for the next time you try to justify the unjustifiable:

So as far as PIL are concerned, they will do what they can to avoid paying for care if they can

Anyone who adds “as far as I’m concerned” to any sentence is saying that they know that they are in the wrong. They just don’t realise it, the poor dears.