To frown on an untidy house

[allinadaystwerk]

My house is not a haven of organised domestic bliss by any means, I have messy corners and cupboards and all that stuff. And some days are much better than others. But I visited someone I've known a while for the 1st time
and was shocked at the state of the house. It was not dirty or smelly. Washing up was done and toilet was clean. But there was clothes everywhere! And clutter and paperwork, letters leaflets and general stuff just not put away, shoes were left in the living room and piles upon piles of laundry. Everywhere I looked there was stuff and an untidy mess. Clearlyvot had been this way for some time. I felt quite sad but also kind of disgruntled. I wanted them to do better but had to have a word with myself and find my way to not being a judgy cow. Thing is, if im honest, a bit of me still feels a bit disgruntled and frustrated.. I'll most likely be asked to the home again as we get on very well and of course a messy home is no reason to ruin a friendship. Question is am I being unreasonable to feel like this? .

I can't understand why YOU are disgruntled with friends house
I'm sure she could do with better friends.

Please don't TELL your friend about your judgemental reaction! Look at this thread: that conversation is not going to go any better than this has! Leave the poor person alone - making them feel judged is worse than the initial reaction!

I like that 😊

😆 😆 at troll, clearly my ability to word correctly has impacted and triggered some people. Sorry if thats the case.
I want them to do better is not "triggering", it's just very, very odd.

I think I know what you mean OP @allinadaystwerk just been to see a friend who due to life changing events is in a new house. She has had considerable time to sort the past out but has brought all the baggage and sadness to her new home in form of to me 'junk' .
I could not relax, the utility room was piled high, the dining room unusable, her beautiful new master suite ful of the baggage of yesterday.

I am more minimal, it works for me and I felt sad that she was still consumed with stuff and still stressed, her new messy house wasn't making her happy.
But I like her and she makes an awesome cup of tea and would drop everything for my kids if needed.

Your drip feed has now turned to 'hoarding.'

Then you need to ensure that your friend is ok but leave your judgements at home.

Many people hate messy homes due to various reasons but they need to keep their opinions to themselves.

Similarly, many people hate minimalist,, almost empty homes.

That's life , in all its glory.

@allinadaystwerk

YABU and guess what, I am too.

I wrote something similar about my SIL & BIL's house. They are lovely people but their house is a tip and I do feel sorry for them and their children.

When you go in, it is just overwhelming. I am pretty sure she is a hoarder and he is a procrastinator, so he makes the odd comment but essentially no action take place.

I hate going to their house but love seeing them. Seeing them always wins though

I think it would have been better to explain why you have neurological reasons for reacting to your friend's home in your initial post instead of writing about feeling judgy.

I don't think a house with lots of laundry (especially if they have children) but which is still clean is the house of someone who needs help.

That's not so much a drip feed as a monsoon.

Well I'm certainly not immaculately tidy or even immaculately clean OP-however I'm going to be honest and admit as someone who has had a lot of pretty nice rental houses , I've been quite Er 'suprised' at how truly grim some people's places are. I do try not to judge because I don't know the circumstances but we are all human at the end of the day

Are you my MiL or SiL? I know they feel like that about our house but both parents here work full time, have youngish kids and frankly more important things to do than worry about their opinions.
I hope your friend feels the same as me. And I think you need to get a hobby to occupy your mind a bit.

You sound like my mother.

Mumsnet is a scary place. I post but I’d never have the guts to make a thread as I’d be hiding behind the sofa as soon I pressed the send button. Not really sure what you can do as saying something could cause all sorts of problems if she’s sensitive. I had another friend (not the one mentioned in my previous post) who was as messy as yours, I mean really really messy. She very nonchalantly told me one day her friend, who is an obsessive clean freak, insisted on tackling her house and was there cleaning it as we spoke, she didn’t mind one bit, seemed glad of the help but of course not everyone would be happy about it. (It didn’t stay tidy and reverted back 😬🤷‍♀️).

What a scummy little post. I hope she dumps you as a friend because you aren't one.

Youre going to talk to her about it? I hope she throws you out

YABU. I'm not getting at you for having the thought in the first place OP, I just want you to do better.

I can’t believe you’re actually going to speak to her. Is she distressed by it? Is it actually hindering her life or she just messy? Don’t push your issues on to your friend you think it’s bad enough to risk the friendship.

The only time I’ve ever taken action with a friend was when her mum passed away and her husband divorced her, so her home turned in to an actual biohazard. I rolled up my sleeves and cleaned, but never a word to make her feel like she was being told off. DO NOT tell her that she thinks she can ‘do better’ for gods sake. Muck in.

I think that instead of the focus being on untidy= mental health issues we need to recognise the real mental health issue lies in people who are bothered by other people behaviour when it doesn’t concern them. They are asserting control over something that is not theirs - why don’t we focus on this more? It’s a clear sign of control issues. I often think that the more relaxed are having to compensate for those who think they are in charge/leading the way but are actually just being bullies.

Sone people are just messy. Or prioritise other things or are procrastinate and then the stuff to be done just gets left.

I have ocd in that I can't leave mess I just can't it makes me anxious to think about coming home to a messy house, it's nothing to do with what other people think.

It was clean so like you say have a chat to her if you feel it warrants it and go from there.

Mess and dirt are totally different.

My friend has five kids at home- there is always something to be done.

I have one. So not much mess really on a daily basis but her house is clean. It's lived in.

OP, why do you feel you need to talk to your friend about it? It might not end well. She might feel criticised and hurt.

My house is very, very messy. A couple of my friends take the piss out of me about it, and I take the piss out of their super-tidiness. I would actually be quite upset if any of my friends were to start a proper conversation about it, however gently.

She may well be perfectly happy with her house exactly the way it is.

I don't think you need to have a conversation. Just meet somewhere neutral or invite her to yours. I am sure she knows it's messy or she's a hoarder. Not always that easy to fix. It can be really complex.

YANBU. I once went to a friend’s house and was shocked at the absolute state it was in. I think the thing that got me was her DC. They deserved better. I knew her parents and she wasn’t brought up like that. She really was just plain lazy! I couldn’t say or do anything about it, save offering to help clean up, but that would have embarrassed her so I didn’t say a thing. It did make me see her slightly differently though.

you sound bored, or depressed. Sexually unsatisfied - it can manifest in many ways. I would recommend a trip to the gp perhaps to discuss antidepressants.

And just think, when you die, which we all will soon enough, you can't take your domesticated consumerist shite with you. All those years working for what? Ahh, gimme some codeine...

I'll speak to my friend about it this evening.

Please don’t do this OP. There’s something very skewed about your judgement I’m afraid. It would be completely inappropriate to bring this up in conversation, it’s impossible to do without sounding really judgy and condescending. It will not go well.

Of course you are being horrible. It’s not like they are living in a smelly, unclean home. Just not organised to your likeness. How unkind.