To understand not wanting to be involved

[CandyApplePie]

In this situation.....Probably get flamed for this but anyway

I am on another site where a woman has had a baby from a one night stand (this is what he has referred to her as) they met once and she fell pregnant and kept the baby, he doesn't want to be involved and expressed that to her from the beginning. She kept the baby and is now pursuing him for child maintenance. The man is angry and telling her she was just a one night stand and to go away and that he wants nothing to do with the baby, he is saying he used a condom (she says they didn't) so it's not his baby, they are going to be doing a dna test but he is insisting the child is nothing to do with him. All the comments are along the lines of "how can he just walk away" "how can he want nothing to do with the child" "babies are a blessing" "having a child is the most amazing experience" but aibu to understand why someone wouldn't want to be tied to a stranger for the rest of their lives? Maintenance is a separate issue but I can understand why a man wouldn't want to be involved in raising the child, he is insisting he did use a condom she says they didn't so no one really knows the truth their apart from the two of them.

Apples & pears!!

actually more apples & bananas!!

but if she wanted to let the father raise it or adopt it out if he didn't, then that's her choice. Plenty of adoptive parents who would love to adopt a baby.

id find it even harder to understand & she had an extra option the father didn't, but it's her life, no one can make her parent a child either.

This isn’t what the OP is asking, this isn’t about financial support it’s about whether the man should have contact with the baby that the woman in question has chosen to keep even though he was clear he didn’t want anything to do with her or the baby.

I had an abortion and I'm still not over it, I wasn't coerced, I was young, at uni and it was a ons with a friend. I never even told him I was pregnant.

I still think about it regularly and it was almost 20 years ago. To say I regret it wouldn't be the right choice of words because I wouldn't have what I have now. But, if I knew then what I know now or how much it would have affected me I probably wouldn't have gone through with it.

You're acting like there's no emotional attachment and its easy to just have an abortion, it might be like that for you but it's not like that for everyone.

And you have sympathy for some morally babkrupt man because a women has 'choices'.

Did he go to the police? The woman can go to prison for doing that, there was actually a case in the news about it last week. It’s the same as ‘stealthing’ in the eyes of the law

No one is saying this, but if a woman chooses to have a baby with a stranger which is absolutely her choice, she cannot expect to play happy families with him. This man made his intentions clear, so why should he be forced into parenting her child?

I have never had an abortion but equally I wouldn’t have unprotected sex with a stranger

It’s also his child.

My view is he takes responsibility. Physically and morally and financially if he wants a baby. Slightly different I was in a long term relationship and eldest was an accident - I was on the pill - he didn’t use condoms - his choice and he didn’t want a baby and he hasn’t spent a penny on her and has not even wanted to meet her or Send her a card.

in my mind he is wrong on all of these counts

He is no more than a sperm donor in this situation.

And whilst I don’t doubt having an abortion is really hard I am not saying she should have had one I don’t think anyone should be forced into one, just saying she made a choice to continue knowing he didn’t want to be involved so can’t expect any different, I just think 18 years of raising a child alone no input from the father what so ever, a child that likely resents you for them not having a father and how difficult that will be, also financially how hard it will be on your own is much harder in the long run.

And what did that sperm turn into? His child.

To say this is ‘his’ child is an emotional reaction. Yes, he has created this child in that it was (allegedly) his sperm. But he is not going to be a father, regardless of DNA as he is not going to play an active role in this child’s life, so from my point of view he is no more than a sperm donor. If this woman used a donor (and yes I am aware she didn’t) no-one would be referring to the baby as the donor’s child.

There is very little difference in this from my point of view.

The fathers time to make his intentions clear should have been before having sex. Hes basically changed his mind after he got what he wanted By saying he’s not willing to be involved with THEIR child after he’s been willing to run the risk the pregnancy for a few minutes of fun.

OP, why are you so invested in this? Do you have a DP who doesn't see his kid?

No I don’t, it’s a Sunday and it’s raining so I thought it was an interesting debate, that’s all.

If its his kid of course the idiot should be involved in raising it. Don't come inside a woman if that's your issue.

Of course they would - ‘father’ isn’t just a cutesy term, it’s literally the child’s biology. Children born by sperm donation still have fathers, even if they don’t know them - do you know about hereditary disease?

If a man has sex with a woman he has to accept that a baby could be the result. If a child is conceived he has a responsibility to that child.

Fair enough!

it might not feel fair, but its the risk you take having casual sex with a woman you barely know, cos if she does get pregnant, you have to pay money, even if you dont want to have anything to do with the child.
Once a pregnancy has occured then its entirely the womans choice whether to continue it.

Rest assured though, if youre worried about the poor lamb, that its still incredibly easy for a man to fuck off, leaving a trail of children in his wake and not have to do any work, and most of the time get away with not paying too, so try not to worry too much. Im sure he will find a way to abandon his responsibilities if hes even the slightest bit motivated. He might even get to waltz back in to his kids life once theyre older

Is there some great Grown Up in the sky that you think your friend should be able a note to explaining about the condom and he'll then be given an ethical excuse slip?

It doesn't work that way. He knew there would be the possibility of a child and if that happens, they must come first. So he would need to be a dad even if he didn't like it.

No one forced him to have intercourse. That was where the choice lay for him.

write a note to

There is equal responsibility for unplanned pregnancy, no man just gets a woman pregnant like she had no say in it whatsoever. A woman is equally as responsible for having unprotected sex as a man is therefore she must also accept that if she didn’t try to prevent that pregnancy then why should he. Financial obligations aside I don’t see why a man should be guilted into caring about a child he didn’t want or plan

I have never had an abortion but equally I wouldn’t have unprotected sex with a stranger

In my case we used a condom. We were both drunk though and whether he put it on correctly or it split I don't know. I was a teenager, probably a bit naive that they were full proof or at least that they would be for me.

For the child sake I don't think this arsehole should be in his life, especially if he despises the child. Disgusting. I'd probably say he shouldn't parent any child. He sounds like a piece of shit.

It’s because one of them is making a choice about what happens to their own body.

And the other is making a choice about what happens to someone else’s body.

So they’re not the same thing at all.