To understand not wanting to be involved

[CandyApplePie]

In this situation.....Probably get flamed for this but anyway

I am on another site where a woman has had a baby from a one night stand (this is what he has referred to her as) they met once and she fell pregnant and kept the baby, he doesn't want to be involved and expressed that to her from the beginning. She kept the baby and is now pursuing him for child maintenance. The man is angry and telling her she was just a one night stand and to go away and that he wants nothing to do with the baby, he is saying he used a condom (she says they didn't) so it's not his baby, they are going to be doing a dna test but he is insisting the child is nothing to do with him. All the comments are along the lines of "how can he just walk away" "how can he want nothing to do with the child" "babies are a blessing" "having a child is the most amazing experience" but aibu to understand why someone wouldn't want to be tied to a stranger for the rest of their lives? Maintenance is a separate issue but I can understand why a man wouldn't want to be involved in raising the child, he is insisting he did use a condom she says they didn't so no one really knows the truth their apart from the two of them.

And he also can choose not to raise the child.

@CandyApplePie what about the women who also don’t want to have anything to do with their biological children, how do you feel about them?

I don’t feel anything about them? Why would I? I know someone whose kids live with her mum because she couldn’t cope with being a mum so gave her kids up. I don’t think that makes her a bad person? Maybe this man couldn’t cope raising the child so would be better off not being around

The same.

The vast majority of women in this country have the choice not to have children they don’t want, but it doesn’t hold true for all. I don’t think anyone should be compelled to have a relationship with a child they don’t want. I can’t say I’d want to raise a child I was forced to have, as a woman. In fact I know I wouldn’t.

It's one of the very, very, very few things in life where I think men do get the short straw.

Oh the irony. May you be forgiven.

Termination bliss. Back street abortion joy. Family planning fun. Single parent jollies.

What a long straw we women enjoy.

Why is it so hard for women to take responsibility for themselves rather than blame men?

Blame them for what exactly?

I don't think anyone is blaming them, just saying it's their responsibility too if they did the deed. After that point you could become a dad with all that entails. If you don't want to take the risk no one is forcing you.

Terminations aren't pleasant and no man will ever have to have one. Lucky them.

I actually know someone that something similar happened to. It wasn't a ONS but was a very short term relationship. It ran its course and he moved away, she got back with an ex-partner.

7 months or so later she contacted him out of the blue to say she had split with her ex again, was pregnant and due in a few weeks and "oh by the way it's yours"

They had a DNA test and it was his. The location he had moved to plus the nature of his job meant it was difficult to see the child but he paid her money every month at well above the CMS amount (ie think double+).

Fast forward 5 years and it transpired she had mental health issues but had done a very good job of hiding it from those around her. The first he knew was when social services contacted him to say the child had been removed.

When he found out the circumstances of the child's removal and conditions the child had been living in he was guilt ridden and heartbroken. He fought tooth and nail for custody but because "there was no relationship" he was refused.

Agree with everything you said pixie5121 whilst I don’t think anyone should be forced to have an abortion I can’t understand keeping a baby from a ONS that baby wasn’t made out of love and will feel bad when they are older and realise the circumstances in which they were conceived, be told by their mum they only know the name of the father nothing more, it’s sad really and I can’t understand why a woman would choose that life for their child, people go on about abortion being hard but surely that is much worse? If you choose to keep a baby from a ONS and that man tells you he will not be involved then you go ahead knowing you will be doing it alone and accept that, I wonder if they keep it in hope he will come round and change his mind? Well out of sight out of mind.

surely that is much worse?

You think you know better than everyone. You have no idea if it would feel worse. None whatsoever.

I think it's fine to keep a baby conceived any which way

Scary that you felt the need to clarify that.

Why would anyone support the father from walking away from his child? He isn't a idiot, he knew he could get the woman pregnant when he put his penis inside her, this isn't a 'her' problem, he was a willing participant. He should help take care of the child he created when he got her pregnant, I don't see why anyone would think otherwise tbh

I'd find it hard to not think about a child that was half of me, even if I did not want it or plan for it. But there are plenty of men who just don't feel that way. DNA means nothing to them. That's fine. You can't force someone to care. But, whether they like it or not, the child is here and the child is theirs, so they should pay CM.

And presumably the woman wasn't signing up for him impregnating her, and her having to abort or give birth, but weirdly she doesn't get to just say, "I don't consent to this. I just wanted a bit of fun!" She has to deal with it.
Thankfully the law in this country does expect men to take responsibility for their part in creating a child too. And it's interesting how little you've focused on the child and what a father might owe them.

The situation already does exist for women in that having sex can lead to pregnancy. Difference is that women get to choose an abortion whereas men can't. BTW, this is a UK based website so overturning Roe vs Wade isn't going to take British women's abortions away. Maybe go gloat about it on Reddit or somewhere.

It’s acceptable because one of them is a choice about what happens to their own body. And the other is a choice about what happens to someone else’s.

And you talk about common sense?

But it isn't their responsibility. They weren't signing up for fatherhood

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Are you for fucking real?

Of course it's their responsibility. I'm sure a grown man can be expected to understand that sex may lead to pregnancy. It may be fun but sex is designed to create life, not for just fun. It's always a possibility. If you don't want that you are more than welcome to take steps to prevent it i.e. not have sex or get the snip (even that's not 100% effective!).

Stop treating men like their too stupid to get this and therefore be responsible when it happens.

And yes everyone has the right to abandon their children because they aren't ready to be a parent (despite being one of the two responsible for the sex that created them), it's also my right to think that makes you a pretty shitty person id have no interest in knowing. And I couldn't control my audible eye roll if a man told me it wasn't his responsibility because he just signed up for a bit of fun. I'd think he was a cunt of the highest order actually, either that or just plain stupid and unable to grasp how basic biology works.

Like they're*