To understand not wanting to be involved

[CandyApplePie]

In this situation.....Probably get flamed for this but anyway

I am on another site where a woman has had a baby from a one night stand (this is what he has referred to her as) they met once and she fell pregnant and kept the baby, he doesn't want to be involved and expressed that to her from the beginning. She kept the baby and is now pursuing him for child maintenance. The man is angry and telling her she was just a one night stand and to go away and that he wants nothing to do with the baby, he is saying he used a condom (she says they didn't) so it's not his baby, they are going to be doing a dna test but he is insisting the child is nothing to do with him. All the comments are along the lines of "how can he just walk away" "how can he want nothing to do with the child" "babies are a blessing" "having a child is the most amazing experience" but aibu to understand why someone wouldn't want to be tied to a stranger for the rest of their lives? Maintenance is a separate issue but I can understand why a man wouldn't want to be involved in raising the child, he is insisting he did use a condom she says they didn't so no one really knows the truth their apart from the two of them.

I expect them to not ejaculate inside a woman if they don’t want a baby!

Ok then 🤔

I believe that if you do want a child and you are single it's far better to use a sperm donor. That way you can do your research and chose wisely. Not end up with some random jock who could have all sorts wrong with him.
I know that probably misses the point of the thread but hey ho.

Can’t see how it would benefit a child to have someone in their life who doesn’t want them (the screen shots make it very clear he wants nothing to do with the child) so can’t see him being a positive influence in the child’s life

If you are big enough to go ejaculating your sperm into the vagina of a relatively unknown woman, then you are big enough to face up to the consquences of that. He might not want to be a father but he is one. Fatherhood is always an option when you have sex. You don't get to opt out of it just because it doesn't suit. If father doesn't suit, don't have sex. It's really that simple.

He needs to face the responsibility of fatherhood head on and get on with it. The 'option' to walk away shouldn't even be an option, should it? He needs to grow a pair and actually get on with what needs to be done: being a part time father and paying maintenance. His child deserves to have a relationship with both parents and with the extended family of both its parents. It deserves to know any future paternal siblings.

Suggesting it is OK to walk away because you didn't want a child ignores the needs of child at the heart of this kind of situation. He was adult enough to have sex. Now be adult enough to face the consequences.

Are you still confused by that concept?

I’m honestly confused by your opinion. I don’t agree let's leave it there

You’re confused that ejaculating inside someone can make a baby?

its weird how its always presented as if its just about the adults choices, when really its just about at which stage your responsibility starts and stops and the level of that responsibility.
in the vast majority of cases where a pregnancy occurs, the woman who has been impregnated has the greater responsibility regarding her health, her wellbeing, her finances, her future, emotionally. Whether she decides to terminate or continue the pregnancy for whatever reason, its still harder on her. The risks of sex between a man and a woman in general, are significantly higher for the woman.
A lot of people just dont think its FAIR that a man cannot just have risk free consequence free sex, because once a man has ejaculated into a woman, then thats where his choice in what happens, ends. Hence centuries of strict rules and cultural imperitives enforced on people regarding their sexuality and what people are allowed to do. Social (and legal) rules and pressures around children outside of marriage and what theyre entitled to.
Previously if a woman got pregnant outside of wedlock, then that child was afforded none of the privelges of being born into wedlock.
I think many people kind of want this sort of cultural system back, so men can have unprotected sex with impunity and any bastards that happen are just not his problem

Despite the claims that “ it’s not fair that she has a choice and he doesn’t “, it’s clear that some people just want men to have the option of consequence free sex.

Biology means that women don’t have the option of consequence free sex. And won’t until medical science means that they will never be at the risk of STI and there will be a 100% reliable, side effect free method of contraception.

Sadly we are now in a culture where it’s socially acceptable for a man to walk away from his children. It doesn’t matter whether they are from a one night stand, a short term relationship or a 20 year marriage. Many people think it’s A OK to walk away from your kids , as long as you pay the legal minimum ( and many men pay less than that or nothing ).

As always, people care more about mens rights than they do about the children.

Its shocking that there are women on here every days apologising and even advocating for these men. Not a day goes by without a thread from a “ new Girlfriend “ complaining about the time and money her new man spends on his kids . Or a “ it’s not fair he can’t force a stranger to have an abortion”.

Gilead indeed.

Women have a choice to use contraception it isn’t 100% but it’s pretty damn close and then there’s the morning after pill, the woman in this case has said she used no contraception at all. If you are unable to have an abortion which no one is saying she should then you should have your contraception sorted, not having ONS with a stranger completely unprotected. It does come to a point where women have to take responsibility as well.

You do realise, CandyApplePie, that re. condom use, they can't both be telling the truth, don't you? If you're going to berate her for not using a condom, you don't get to still accept his version of events that they did use one. In that case, you should be slagging him off for not having his contraceptive sorted too. Especially given that that really is his last way of influencing whether a child is born or not. She has the choice of MAP, abortion, or carrying the child to term and giving up for adoption or keeping it.
And I don't know why you're saying women have to take responsibility too, as though that's a novel concept. The whole thing about female biology is that there's no damn choice but to accept responsibility. They dont get to sod off from it like men do or pay £3 a week in child maintenance.This woman has made the choice to have the child. That's her way of taking responsibility. But as others on this thread have said, there are a fair few women who are all about expanding men's rights further and pitying them when they don't get exactly what they want from life.
(My husband's dad was a lawyer and managed to get out of any child maintenance despite the fact that that he had been married to their mother. He abandoned them and now he's older and not in great health and has been trying to make contact, and his children want nothing to do with him, so there is some karma for these men sometimes.)

As I said he is saying it’s someone else’s child. I don’t know why we must immediately believe the woman over the man. She is saying a condom wasn’t used he is saying it was. Who knows if that’s true but the type of person to have unprotected ONS could well be sleeping with different people, overlapped etc this was not part of a relationship, some women are happy to get pregnant off anyone it’s unpopular to say but yes there are women desperate for a baby. Any man who has a woman come to him from a ONS saying she is pregnant would be foolish to not demand a dna test!

Any man who has a woman come to him from a ONS saying she is pregnant would be foolish to not demand a dna test!

I agree with you there, and obviously if the child is shown not to be his, he's got nothing to worry about. I think that's why most people have been approaching it from the perspective that it is his child. Because if not, there's no issue to discuss really.

Has She mentioned that she sleeps around or are you just presuming? For all we know he could be the only person she’s had sex with in years. Maybe he’s the one sleeping around and can’t remember who he used a condom with and who he didn’t. Once again the woman is painted as the baddie when overall he’s the one with no morals.

He’s accusing her of sleeping around, only going by the messages posted, just because she’s a woman doesn’t mean she’s telling the truth.

And just because shes a woman doesn’t means she’s lying either.

struggling to see the point of her lying when asking for advice on an anonymous forum where no one knows you?

I mean, I know it happens, but it’s usually trolls who make up a story to try and incite an argument.

did I miss something. Is she expecting him to take the baby 100% or is she not saying that he is also, as you say, partially responsible, at least financially for a small portion of this kids upkeep. If they both made the decision to have sex, then they are both responsible for any resulting kid that results. Only difference really is that these days, thankfully, a woman can also decide that she doesnt want to continue a pregnancy, but a man cannot decide that for her, and a man cannot, like in the old days refuse to support an illegitimate child, and has to at least throw money at it, even if he decides he would rather not be emotionally involved.

Im sure people arguing against a man having to be involved, cant honestly understand what it is would happen if men could just opt out of it all without anyone even trying to chase them for money.
The fact is, its still pretty easy to get away with anyway.

Teach your sons to take all the precautions they can, because if they get someone pregnant by accident, theyre screwed. Theyll likely have someone raising their kids in ways they dont like. Theyll have to pay for it, and theyll have to take responsibility. Sex, even after the sexual revolution is not just a fun game. Its also (shockingly) a really common way of pregnancy occuring, and then your lifestyle choices can be ripped away from you.

well if the issue is that he is disputing paternity, rather than saying he should be able to opt out entirely even if he is the father, thenhopefully he can arrange a DNA test once the child is born, so he can determine whether its his responsibility or not.

Quite rightly, a man cannot force a woman to have an abortion or place her child for adoption, so in the event that he gets a woman pregnant and she decides to keep it, he should pay.

I don’t however think he should be compelled to do any more than that.

of course some women are desperate for a baby and will be wanting to get pregnant. That is a not the same issue as him being able to opt out.
Even if they did use a condom, if the condom failed, that still doesnt mean its not his responsibility if he is.

No point blindly believing either of them. If theres a dispute, then a DNA test is the next step. Not assassinating her character.
Whether she slept around or not, if the baby turns out to be his, then its his problem.

He says he won’t be having anything to do with the child either way but just maintaining that it isn’t his but will have nothing to do with the child

It’s what lead my to think about walking away and its the comments my thread was based on, because all the comments were from women saying how can he not want anything to do with the baby, children are amazing etc how can he not want to know, erm it’s very clear for me to see how! No one would be happy to hear a ONS is pregnant. But either way I still think any parent shouldn’t be forced to raise a child they never wanted, not even a judge / court forces them to.

If the man says they used a condom and the woman says they didn't then I'd be more inclined to believe the woman. She'd look better if she said they used a condom and it failed than if she said they didn't use one, so she has nothing to gain by claiming there was no condom when there was.

Either way, she is pregnant.

It's pretty grim for the pair of them to be airing their dirty laundry in public like this though.

Some posters see, to be suggesting that if a man says the magic words “ I never wanted the kids anyway “ he shouldn’t have to pay anything towards that’s child’s support.

Can I ask where they expect the government to find the money to support the hundreds of thousands of children whose fathers won’t want to pay for them. At the moment, someone like my ex husband has to pay for his kids. Not because I wants to but because he is forced to my the CMS. My kids are “lucky “ that he has a PAYE salaried job where he can’t hide most of his income.

But if he was allowwed to get out of paying by saying “ I didn’t want them, Gender refused to have an abortion when I ordered her to “, he would do it like a shot.

The tax payer would have to find millions of pounds to pay for these children. I work more that FT and I just get by child support of top of my wages . I have three teenagers are they are expensive to run. But if my ex didn’t pay CS I’d have to quite my job and go on benefits. And no doubt there’s many other single mums just like up and down the country.

Where is all that public funding going to come from , all you clever clogs who think that men should not have to pay for their kids if they change their minds later ?

Either way if it is his child and the condom failed I still think he should be able to walk away as he took precautions and didn’t want a child, saying he shouldn’t have sex then is silly and it wouldn’t be said to a woman having an abortion that she shouldn’t have had sex if she wasn’t prepared to raise a child. No one wants a child from a ONS no one is going to be jumping for joy.

I don’t think he should get away without having any responsibility he should pay if it is his but raise the child? Be involved? No, not if he doesn’t want to.