To understand not wanting to be involved

[CandyApplePie]

In this situation.....Probably get flamed for this but anyway

I am on another site where a woman has had a baby from a one night stand (this is what he has referred to her as) they met once and she fell pregnant and kept the baby, he doesn't want to be involved and expressed that to her from the beginning. She kept the baby and is now pursuing him for child maintenance. The man is angry and telling her she was just a one night stand and to go away and that he wants nothing to do with the baby, he is saying he used a condom (she says they didn't) so it's not his baby, they are going to be doing a dna test but he is insisting the child is nothing to do with him. All the comments are along the lines of "how can he just walk away" "how can he want nothing to do with the child" "babies are a blessing" "having a child is the most amazing experience" but aibu to understand why someone wouldn't want to be tied to a stranger for the rest of their lives? Maintenance is a separate issue but I can understand why a man wouldn't want to be involved in raising the child, he is insisting he did use a condom she says they didn't so no one really knows the truth their apart from the two of them.

I'm on neither adult's side, but the resulting child's.

In my mind it's a completely different issue from abortion at that point it's purely about the woman's choice, because she has bodily autonomy and shouldn't be forced into being an incubator.

Once born though it becomes about the right of the child. They deserve to be supported by both parents, whether they became a parent willingly or not. It's unfortunately one of the risks of unprotected sex. The child is the only one in this circumstance who's has 0 say in their conception/birth.

The woman is adamant they didn't use a condom. Now perhaps she thought she had fertility issues and couldn't get pregnant or perhaps she was so drunk she couldn't really consent and didn't know what she was doing at the time. However, assuming that's not the case, then it begs the question, why was a condom not used. She would have known if she was on any other method of contraception or not and if pregnancy was a risk. He wouldn't have known, unless he asked. We don't know if he asked or not (maybe he did and they did use a condom). But on the assumption that he didn't ask and they didn't use a condom, then this woman may well have decided to dance with the devil and risk pregnancy, or maybe she wanted to fall pregnant. In this situation I can see why a man would want to avoid someone who knowingly got pregnant but there's a massive caveat. If they didn't use a condom and he didn't ask if she was on any other type of contraception then he also knowingly had unprotected sex. I assume this man knew that sex can lead to pregnancy. Even if they did use a condom, they are not 100%.

I think the condom is a red herring in this. It's totally irrelevant because ultimately sex leads to babies. I think the only thing that is relevant is their "intention" and no one knows what it was when they had sex, only they do.

All that is important here is that a man who has fathered a child pays maintenance. That is his responsibility. Aside from that you can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do. Who knows what his reasons are. It may be nothing to do with her being a ONS. Ultimately if he doesn't want to be a part of the child's life, as sad as it is, the child is better off without him and seeing the back of him is the best thing. He will never know what he's missing out on though. Maybe he'll change his mind one day and maybe it will be too late.

ok then its on her to burden the responsibility

Yes, but its also his too if he isnt using a condom lol Or are you saying that its only women who should use birth control and never men?

The condom is relevant in the sense that he is denying paternity and saying she must have slept with someone else around the same time (I know condoms aren’t 100%) but tbh a dna test should be taking place either way with a ONS.

Why? It’s 50% his.

Because if she made the choice to have unprotected sex without telling him & if he used a condom as he says he did then the responsibility for that choice is hers. If he did not use protection then my opinion would be different as clearly he couldn’t care less but if he did it was obviously because he wanted to prevent pregnancy and more importantly std’s

@Hollygolightly86 no, you’re wrong. He had loads of choices to begin with: he could have not had sex? He could have worn a condom AND withdrawn. He could have only had oral sex instead of vaginal. He could have had a vasectomy and worn a condom and withdrawn.

The instant he chose to ejaculate into a woman he drastically reduced his choices. To zero, in fact. He knew pregnancy was possible, and that’s the choice he made.

Well obviously only women have the option of chemical birth control and I would argue that as a woman bears the greatest burden if an unplanned pregnancy occurs then she should take precautions to ensure that doesn’t happen to her. I’m not suggesting that men shouldn’t have a responsibility to use condoms if not for pregnancy then for STD’s but to have unprotected sex with a stranger is irresponsible

But he says he did wear a condom, he claims it was not unprotected. She could also have not had sex knowing she wasn’t on birth control. She chose to have sex too

@Cloud16

Absolutely I am pro choice on abortion (Indeed I would liberalise it further) but the more I see men's choices around sex and father hood being eroded (especially on here) the more I am warming to the republican party.

What specific choices around sex and fatherhood are being 'eroded'? I would be interested in hearing them. Because I can tell you what choices around sex and motherhood are being eroded. Soon, the right to have a termination will be removed in many states in America. Forcing women to remain pregnant or make the choice to have illegal, unsafe abortions risking infection, death and trauma.

@CandyApplePie

A woman can have an abortion or adopt the baby if she doesn’t want to have a child, no one would judge her for it though, why are men just expected to be forced to? No one would agree with forcing a woman.

Eh?! "No one would judge her for it"? Well it will be illegal soon in parts of America... the 'land of the free' so I'm unsure where on earth you're getting the idea "no one would judge her for it". See also protestors outside abortion clinics. They seem a pretty judgmental lot to me... "no one would agree with forcing a woman"? Other than the Senate, you mean?!Do you not ever take notice of current affairs before stating an opinion on an incredibly important topic as if it's fact?

Apologies I mean to tag @Oscarthedog not @Cloud16 in that first quote, the new Mumsnet quoting format makes it tricky to see who wrote a post and who replied to it!

a woman cannot get pregnant on her own. A man choses to risk becoming a father the second he put his penis into any woman’s vagina - whether it’s a ons or a wife of 10 years.

even doubled up contraception is not 100% effective.

if a pregnancy occurs he is 50% responsible for that child: physically, emotionally, financially for at least 18 years.

and the fact that this doesn’t happen is getting justified?

I genuinely hope those posters don’t have sons they’re teaching this to, or daughters it happens to.

He knew the condom wasn’t 100% effective. He chose to ejaculate inside her knowing there was a risk of pregnancy.

But that’s not how it works as much as you think it should, it’s not an ideal world.
As a much younger woman I’ve had one unplanned pregnancy (did not go through with it) & I’ve taken morning after pill twice which were the right choice at the time but I regret not being more careful as ultimately I would have been left with that burden alone. And of course it’s always a risk but on most cases a ons wasn’t intended to create a life it was for pleasure unless the woman involved is really calculated which in wrong anyway you look at it

So did she

So? He can’t control her choices.

The thing is he was clear he wasn’t going to be involved so she knew she would be raising the child alone and still chose to continue (which its her right to do that) but it’s not like he pretended he would be involved then changed his mind.

She shouldn’t have had unprotected sex knowing she wasn’t on birth control unless she deliberately wanted to get pregnant. If he did as he claims & used a condom then clearly he was trying to prevent it. Women can’t have it both ways

DS’s friend is in this situation, where a woman he barely knows is pregnant by him. Yes, he should have protected himself but apparently they were very drunk yadda yadda. I don’t understand why any young woman (she’s 25), with a decent job and prospects would want to have a baby with some random ONS who she probably wouldn’t look at twice in the cold light of day, but there you go.

No, he wasn’t trying to prevent it - he ejaculated into a woman!

Not of he was using protection as he claims he was

Yes, he still wasn’t preventing pregnancy - he still ejaculated inside a woman!

Did you miss massive parts of biology at school?

That’s what I don’t get, I don’t think anyone should have an abortion they don’t want to, I really don’t but keeping a baby from a stranger that wants nothing to do with you is a hell of a lot harder, she young early 20s no family she was saying as she is struggling going back to work with no support just seems to me making your life 100 times harder and throwing in raising a baby by someone who wants nothing to do with them, what about when the child starts asking questions about their father and you can’t even answer them as you don’t know anything about him. Sad all round really.

Oh dear you can be as rude as you like but I do not agree with you. She engaged willingly in sex with him therefore she is partially responsible for any consequence. What do you expect men to do for protection?