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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who makes the birthday cake?

164 replies

GarlicGnocchi · 15/05/2022 08:51

DH has his birthday at the end of this month and usually there isn't a big party so I just make a cake to have with our family. This year we are having his wider family round as we thought it would be nice after covid etc.

Anyway MIL has just announced to DH that she's got his cake planned. No consultation with me or anything. AIBU to think the default position is that the partner has first dibs on providing the birthday cake and should at least be asked first?

OP posts:
TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 15/05/2022 11:37

Oh grow a sense of humour @valerianaofficiana !!

I live my MIL to bits - she's just shit at baking 😂

JustLyra · 15/05/2022 11:38

That would irritate me. I’d ignore it as it would be one less job for me, but it’s extremely poor manners not to ask/discuss a major contribution with the person organising all the food.

it’s very basic manners.

User48751490 · 15/05/2022 11:38

Oh come on. Both of you make a cake each and that way there's more cake for everyone!! You are on to a winner.

lemongreentea · 15/05/2022 11:39

Emotions aside, do her cakes turn out better than yours? Taste and appearance wise?

If you feel she is trying to tell you your cakes are shit and she wants something special for her son then thats a bit passive aggressive of her. But its just cake you know, and it will make your husband happy?

You could always accidently smash it to the floor on the day, or smash your husbands face in it like you see in those viral vidoes. Or secretly take baking classes and produce the worlds best cake next year?

AhNowTed · 15/05/2022 11:40

Honestly OP this is a fuss over nothing.

RoseOud · 15/05/2022 11:41

I make a good cake,so I'm told. But I don't think anything tastes nicer than something you haven't made yourself!

I'd be happy to let her do it and look forward to eating it. ☺️

picklemewalnuts · 15/05/2022 12:02

Ok, so this is a minor irritation and I think she's unreasonable to announce with no discussion that she's in charge of the centre piece of the party.

Now to the really important question- who makes birthday cake for the baker's birthday? That's really sensitive. Do you want a crap cake made by your somewhat lackadaisical family, or a decent cake you've made yourself?

Original poster
GarlicGnocchi · 15/05/2022 13:05

smash your husbands face in it like you see in those viral vidoes do you?! I'm so out of touch. I make a decent enough home made cake but yes here's are nicer and normally have loads of booze in.

OP posts:
lemongreentea · 15/05/2022 13:31

GarlicGnocchi · 15/05/2022 13:05

smash your husbands face in it like you see in those viral vidoes do you?! I'm so out of touch. I make a decent enough home made cake but yes here's are nicer and normally have loads of booze in.

No I don't smash cakes I only eat them, but its a trend on tiktok or whatever. Waste of cake if you ask me.

Would you consider making your own booze free version (for the kids and tee totallers)?

For tbe record I dont think you are being unreasonable.

altiara · 15/05/2022 13:40

It’s just polite to ask what you can bring or say I’d really like to bring / do xxx and discuss with the person organising.

Although it’s possible, the way it was phrased to DH was I’d like to bring a cake, DH: sure. DH to you: my DM is bring the birthday cake.

Original poster
GarlicGnocchi · 15/05/2022 13:40

lemongreentea · 15/05/2022 13:31

No I don't smash cakes I only eat them, but its a trend on tiktok or whatever. Waste of cake if you ask me.

Would you consider making your own booze free version (for the kids and tee totallers)?

For tbe record I dont think you are being unreasonable.

Show quote history

Aahhh good point I can make mine the alcohol free cake.

OP posts:
PrincessRamone · 15/05/2022 13:56

Although it’s possible, the way it was phrased to DH was I’d like to bring a cake, DH: sure. DH to you: my DM is bring the birthday cake.

I have to say, that’s what I assumed.

@GarlicGnocchi it might help if you explain what “announced” means.

So did she just happen to mention it to your DH when she spoke to him, assuming that he would pass the message on and that you would speak to her if there was a problem (my assumption of events).

Or was it a real announcement, with her making a big deal about it, declaring to everyone other than you her grand plans and what a magnificent cake it will be, thereby backing you into a corner so there is no way you can scupper her cake plans by doing something so conniving as having a quiet word and saying “Ta MIL, but actually I’d rather do the cake. Can you bring quiche?”

RoseGoldEagle · 15/05/2022 14:02

It’s nice of her to offer to make one, but very weird not to check with you and just assume you wouldn’t be making one!

noborisno · 15/05/2022 15:01

I get why you feel put out, and we all can have these feelings, but seriously the most liberating thing in life is to stop thinking about or caring when people:

step on your toes
ignore you
don't invite you a place
make a comment you don't like

Unless it's your partner or child or it really affects your life just know 'people do things for all types of reasons. Even the circumstances at the time, they make an assumption, or a comment, it could be for any number of moving part reasons and the way they feel that day'

Just let it go. Say thank you and have a lovely day :) This way of living frees up time, reduces stress, and literally makes you look and feel younger.

Cookiecrumblepie · 15/05/2022 15:53

It’s a bit strange not to ask. Normally the host prepares the cake and meal, and she should ask if she wants to make the cake. Would be quite odd for example to show up at a wedding or another big celebration with a cake and just serve it! I think she’s being quite rude.

Greensleeves · 15/05/2022 15:56

She's rude. I would be very offended, and crestfallen, but I am a keen sugarcrafter and always make the cakes in our house! She certainly should have checked with you before announcing her intention. I would send her a message saying "lucky DH will be spoiled with two cakes then, since I'd already got one planned" and go ahead with mine.

DramaAlpaca · 15/05/2022 15:56

I'd be delighted if someone else offered to make the cake, but would definitely expect to be asked first if I minded. Just assuming without checking first would piss me off.

SmiledWtherisingsun · 15/05/2022 15:57

Maybe next time just give her a job first. Before she has time to announce it.

My MIL always makes a fruit xmas cake. Half of us don't like fruit cake. So I make another one & we just have 2.

Aprilx · 15/05/2022 16:02

Do people really worry this much about a birthday cake for an adult! I didn’t even know adults generally still bothered.

PrincessRamone · 15/05/2022 16:04

Cookiecrumblepie · 15/05/2022 15:53

It’s a bit strange not to ask. Normally the host prepares the cake and meal, and she should ask if she wants to make the cake. Would be quite odd for example to show up at a wedding or another big celebration with a cake and just serve it! I think she’s being quite rude.

But it’s not a wedding. It’s a family gathering for her son’s birthday. And she’s not even just turning up with it, she’s told her son her plans in advance.

Honestly MN is so weird about MILs. If it was OPs mother who made her a cake the comments would be all about what a sweet gesture it is.

trailrunner85 · 15/05/2022 16:06

centrepiece of the birthday spread christ alive, what a whole load of fuss over nothing!

Though I'm very much on the "cake = nice thing to eat" end of the spectrum, rather than the "cake = theme, decorations, loads of photos for the 'gram" end.

On DHs 40th I asked MIL to bob into M&S Food and get one, on her way to us. I already had candles.
Job done, no drama.

toomuchlaundry · 15/05/2022 16:10

But what if the OP had already sorted a cake (maybe ordered one) @PrincessRamone? Doesn't matter whether, mum, MIL, FIL, sister, friend, you would ask first before turning up with something so specific as a birthday cake.

PrincessRamone · 15/05/2022 16:16

toomuchlaundry · 15/05/2022 16:10

But what if the OP had already sorted a cake (maybe ordered one) @PrincessRamone? Doesn't matter whether, mum, MIL, FIL, sister, friend, you would ask first before turning up with something so specific as a birthday cake.

But she hasn’t just turned up with it. She’s told her son weeks in advance. I’m sure if OP had ordered one, or even if she just really wanted to make one, she could contact her MIL and discuss it, almost as if they were part of the same family.

toomuchlaundry · 15/05/2022 16:19

Think it is the telling not the asking, always polite to ask the host not tell @PrincessRamone. Likewise, if the MIL was organising something at her house, OP would check with her first

AtticAttack3000 · 15/05/2022 16:28

Some people do this. They seem to feel awkward offering so just announce they're doing the thing they really should ask about first. However, if you don't mind her making the cake I'd just say to her "thanks, that's a lovely offer, much appreciated" and if you do mind then say "he's a lucky guy as I've got a cake planned for him too, so he's going to have double cake". It's not worth worrying about.