Who makes the birthday cake?

[GarlicGnocchi]

DH has his birthday at the end of this month and usually there isn't a big party so I just make a cake to have with our family. This year we are having his wider family round as we thought it would be nice after covid etc.

Anyway MIL has just announced to DH that she's got his cake planned. No consultation with me or anything. AIBU to think the default position is that the partner has first dibs on providing the birthday cake and should at least be asked first?

I'm laughing at the thought of my partner baking me a cake.

That’s sad @ancientgran DH always made me a birthday cake until teen DS asked to do it

I’d feel my toes had been stepped on a bit.
If she’d asked, that would have been perfect. But to just tell you is a bit crap. So either you make a cake as well and turn it into some weird competition, or just she makes it and you don’t get to do a nice thing for your DH.

Unless you make some pretty iced biscuits or something?

Why isn't it okay for her to make a cake for her son? What a strange thing to get uptight about.

Exactly! Never mind we will have two cakes. Mine will loose the competition but I like a bit of a shit looking birthday cake.

If anything I think yabu. She's his mum, his birthday is more meaningful her than it is to you. Maybe she thought she would be saving you a job, especially if you are having a party and there is other stuff you will be busy with? Perhaps she wanted to do something special for her child? You could ask but I'd just leave it and be glad I had one less task to do.

@DappledShade because OP may have already organised a cake (either buying or making). Always better to check first

It is. It was the presumption I wasn't that irked me.

I just couldn’t get worked up about this. I don’t think there is really any default dibs on who ‘gets’ to bake the cake.
You are having people over so MIL probably thought she was saving you a job.
If you want to bake a cake then bake a cake.

Yes and the thing is, DH is sometimes bad at passing on messages. So she would have been best off telling me, the one organising all the food.

And there we go… as was likely from the OP, the missing back story 🧐

@Sceptre86 doing something special for her child sounds like someone who hasn’t accepted that their child is a grown up, and is usually the reason why people have issues with MILs/DMs

She should have asked you, as you are hosting.

Going against the grain but I think it’s rude and inconsiderate to announce “I’m making the cake.” and not “I’d like to make the cake if that’s ok?”
Because actually OP quite likes making cakes herself. It’s assuming you can arrange everything the way you like without thinking about how others might feel. But it’s not worth making a fuss really.
If it’s part of a wider pattern, then unfortunately you can’t change someone’s personality but you do need to be aware and a bit strategic about forestalling similar take-overs / assumptions by being really clear with them about plans in advance.

I'd have two cakes - bring MIL's out at the party and send everyone home with the leftovers. Then you have your cake afterwards just for your family like you normally do. Or bring out both cakes and people chooses which one they'd like a slice of.

I'm still not seeing a problem, so his wife and mum each make him a birthday cake, it would make my day to have two!

I think often the precedent is set with children's cakes, and it makes most sense for the grandparents to do that because they don't live with the birthday person. I guess the same applies with adults. So if anything yes I would see her as the ideal person.

My DP's step mum brought around a homemade cake for his 40th when I'd already 'commissioned' a themed cake. We had a freezer drawer full of cake for about 2 months. He was thrilled. Win win.

You are hosting, default position is that you provide birthday cake and she should have asked you if she could bring anything!

Having said that, i would smile and say thanks, one less thing to do for the party!

Hard to say.

Is she habitually overbearing / interfering?

Are you usually possessive / territorial and take things personally?

Or is this just a teeny minor irritation out of the blue?

All are possible.

If she'd insisted on making my child's cake then I'd be having strong words and wouldn't need an AIBU.

“She's his mum, his birthday is more meaningful her than it is to you.”

Why? I mean obviously she literally gave birth to him on that day, but birthdays are all about the person themselves not their mother!

Is she habitually overbearing / interfering? yes

But also

Or is this just a teeny minor irritation yes

It's not about the wedding cake though. They sre two separate cakes and i have deliberately tried to disregard this from my thoughts on this. I just genuinely feel its a bit rude to say I'm making the centrepiece of the birthday spread without asking and without telling the person organising the food.

Waitrose. Or M&S. Or at push, me. Can't abide the made-to-order themed concoctions, loathe butter cream and all manner of icing, we,apart marzipan.
DC could care less and as long as cake is tasty, they are happy.
Years ago when DC were little, they used to lament coming from birthday parties, that the cake looked fun but tasted like'granny's Victoria sponge', which wasn't a compliment.