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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who makes the birthday cake?

164 replies

GarlicGnocchi · 15/05/2022 08:51

DH has his birthday at the end of this month and usually there isn't a big party so I just make a cake to have with our family. This year we are having his wider family round as we thought it would be nice after covid etc.

Anyway MIL has just announced to DH that she's got his cake planned. No consultation with me or anything. AIBU to think the default position is that the partner has first dibs on providing the birthday cake and should at least be asked first?

OP posts:
ChampagneLassie · 15/05/2022 10:12

thatweirdhippygirl · 15/05/2022 08:52

Literally couldn’t give a fuck but maybe that’s just me. One less job for you.

Came to say this. I'd be phew one less thing to do. Thankyou MIL

aSofaNearYou · 15/05/2022 10:12

If she'd insisted on making my child's cake then I'd be having strong words and wouldn't need an AIBU.

Yes I can see the issue is the insisting. Obviously it should be a conversation and a request so YANBU, but as to your broader question of who should make the cake - yes I do think parent/grandparent who lives elsewhere is ideal.

OneCup · 15/05/2022 10:12

I would be delighted with this but family know i have no interest in baking. If not, I think it would have been rude not to discuss it with you first.

Giraffesandbottoms · 15/05/2022 10:13

My initial reaction was “wtf that’s the wife’s/husband’s job” but actually if I think about my boys being adults I can see why I would want to bake them birthday cakes sometimes and now I think she probably could have asked but he’s her son so it’s not really unreasonable.

mumda · 15/05/2022 10:13

This is only cake. Let it be.

Darbs76 · 15/05/2022 10:14

Why would partner take priority over mother? Either way I’d be happy it’s sorted

valerianaofficiana · 15/05/2022 10:18

On these boards so often wives take a stand against the evil MILs just because the said MIL want to be part of their sons' life and then wonder why tensions build as DH is forced to choose between DW and his mother. So fucked up.
You married the man, you don't own him and his mother will always be one of the most important people in his life.
Accept it and live in peace or fight it and reap the consequences.
Unless you lot are from seriously fucked up families that only exist on MN.🙄

BattenburgDonkey · 15/05/2022 10:20

AIBU to think the default position is that the partner has first dibs on providing the birthday cake and should at least be asked first?

In answer to this, yes YABU, nobody needs first dibs you aren’t kids and it’s not for a kid.

But I do see what you are saying, you are catering this party and she’s bringing a centrepiece of it and hasn’t actually told you, it’s strange that she hasn’t mentioned it to you because is not like she can just assume hers will be the only cake if she’s not told the person catering. It’s just odd not to communicate this to you, but she’s probably just got carried away and not thought it through.

TheLadyDIdGood · 15/05/2022 10:22

I'd thank her and then I'd make a gluten/ allergen free birthday cake & announce it proudly to the assembled guests. I'd make sure people knew that that MIL hadn't checked with me re dietary requirements. So I would make a cake to compensate for her lack of consideration. 😜😁

bellabasset · 15/05/2022 10:22

There's no way if this had been my ds that I would've told my ds I was making his cake without discussing it with my dil.

It's Platinum Jubilee year and instead of a cake I'd set up a pudding stall based on the fad for pudding jars and the Jubilee pudding being trifle bases. Homemade sponge, jelly, ice cream, fruit, compote, blancmange, a tray of melted white chocolate sprinkled with dry raspberries ...whatever you like boozy jelly.

Sceptre86 · 15/05/2022 10:27

@toomuchlaundry I disagree. It isn't overbearing to want to buy or make a cake for your child's milestone birthday or if they are having a party, what does age have to do with ot? He's still here son. Op could have rung the mil and said that she had already sorted a cake and not to worry, she could have communicated with her instead of getting annoyed.

Onwards22 · 15/05/2022 10:27

I would have discussed it with you as she knows you’d get one if she didn’t but maybe her saying it was the ‘discussion’.

I wouldn’t be annoyed about it (I’d be pleased it’s one less thing I need to get) but I’d be a bit frustrated if I’d spent time and money getting one and she’d already got one without telling me.

Sceptre86 · 15/05/2022 10:27

*her son even.

toomuchlaundry · 15/05/2022 10:28

@aSofaNearYou since when was it the norm for grandparents to make the birthday cake. We always made (bought) the birthday cake for DC

toomuchlaundry · 15/05/2022 10:29

@Sceptre86 or maybe the MIL should have asked OP first, bearing in mind OP is the host.

Original poster
GarlicGnocchi · 15/05/2022 10:30

valerianaofficiana · 15/05/2022 10:18

On these boards so often wives take a stand against the evil MILs just because the said MIL want to be part of their sons' life and then wonder why tensions build as DH is forced to choose between DW and his mother. So fucked up.
You married the man, you don't own him and his mother will always be one of the most important people in his life.
Accept it and live in peace or fight it and reap the consequences.
Unless you lot are from seriously fucked up families that only exist on MN.🙄

Harsh! I haven't said she's evil. I haven't said she shouldn't make a cake. I'm saying I'm a little pissed off she didn't think hang on his wife might already have plans seeing as she's the one who is organising everything else.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 15/05/2022 10:30

If it was the other way round and MIL was hosting I would ask her if there was anything we could bring or help with

aSofaNearYou · 15/05/2022 10:30

toomuchlaundry · 15/05/2022 10:28

@aSofaNearYou since when was it the norm for grandparents to make the birthday cake. We always made (bought) the birthday cake for DC

It just is, for me! I'm not saying everyone has to do it that way, but it's certainly always been the case in my family and my DPs family. To me it makes infinite sense because the parent is busy getting everything else ready for the party and looking after the child, they don't necessarily have time to spend the day making a themed cake. And it would be hard for them to do it without the child seeing it if they're in the house.

valerianaofficiana · 15/05/2022 10:31

So many here have their priorities so very wrong. Next stop, Relationship Board🙄

valerianaofficiana · 15/05/2022 10:32

Oh, and themed cakes are so naff.

toomuchlaundry · 15/05/2022 10:33

@aSofaNearYou are you the grandparent?

valerianaofficiana · 15/05/2022 10:34

OP, my post wasn't directed at you personally, I meant MN in general and some replies here in particular.
In your case, MIl should have discussed it with you clearly, that's the key part.

aSofaNearYou · 15/05/2022 10:34

toomuchlaundry · 15/05/2022 10:33

@aSofaNearYou are you the grandparent?

No, I'm in my 20s. Im talking about my grandparents, and my parents/DPs parents now.

BattenburgDonkey · 15/05/2022 10:37

valerianaofficiana · 15/05/2022 10:32

Oh, and themed cakes are so naff.

How are themed cakes naff? They are made for celebrations like birthdays and weddings so how can them having a theme be naff?

Skinterior · 15/05/2022 10:38

I think that's really sweet - although yes it would have been good to be forewarned. At least you didn't find out when you were mid way through icing yours.

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