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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Straightening a young child's hair

155 replies

LovingGrandma · 14/05/2022 23:39

My daughter -in-law has straightened my six year old granddaughter's hair in at least three occasions. I feel really uncomfortable about this on so many levels, but mainly I am concerned that she will cause permanent damage to her hair. I have tried gently to point this out to her, but she is completely disregarding what I have said. I feel really sad about it, and bad that I can't protect my granddaughter. I would welcome the thoughts of mums with children of a similar age. Am I being silly? But most of all thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest.

OP posts:
miltonj · 15/05/2022 09:29

She's not yours, so it's not your business to be worrying about protecting her. Unless there was abuse and neglect this is non of your issue to concern yourself with.

Chickychoccyegg · 15/05/2022 09:29

Dgd would have asked for it done most likely, I know loads of children around that age, sometimes they ask for their hair straightened.
Nothing to do with parents over grooming or trying to change them 😂 so dramatic.

InChocolateWeTrust · 15/05/2022 09:31

I know a child with curly hair who's mum has agreed to straighten it 2 or 3 times as little girl wants to see what she looks like with it "long", when curly it takes a long time to get length as its coiled up.

I also know many people who've straightened hair an odd time to kill lice, this is a very well known strategy.

Tbh though its difficult if you have a child with hair that is naturally quite messy.

My child has hair with a bit of wave but not even at all and she sleeps really funny on it. If I don't blow dry it etc she just looks really messy, one side will be sticking out, the other mostly straight etc. It almost looks like it hasn't been brushed.

Children do learn from quite young that its socially expected sometimes, to try and look a bit special eg for a party. In our house we don't focus on "pretty" etc but we do say neat and tidy etc, and I can well believe DD will ask me to straighten hers to look a bit neater by age 6.

It isn't just girls either. DS hair is similar and he requested a cut recently when even he could see it was looking messy.

I dont think there's anything wrong with a school aged child having learned that it's nice to look neat and tidy or make a bit of effort to look special for a celebration or party, and it doesnt have to be in a really conforming way either.

roarfeckingroarr · 15/05/2022 09:32

Very unreasonable; none of your business and I'm glad you're not my MIL.

Notanotherwindow · 15/05/2022 09:33

I've done it if she asked and curled it for a party. It's just a bit of fun and won't damage her hair as long as heat spray is used. It's not like she's doing it every day.

Whatever00 · 15/05/2022 09:34

Chemically straightening a child's hair is damaging. It's not something I would do. As an adult I woud get it done professionally. Straightening with straighteners is fine. It you use the right products it shouldn't be particularly damaging. Unfortunately, all you can do as a grandmother is guide. You can raise your concerns but ultimately they are the parent and can style / treat their child's hair as they wish.

FirewomanSam · 15/05/2022 09:38

Context is important here. I’m white with mostly straight hair that has a few kinks/waves and a bit of frizz. If my mum had straightened my hair at that age it would have just looked like a neater, straighter version of my usual blow dry, nothing dramatic. I’m sure I would have felt very grown up and like it was a lovely special treat, no cause for alarm there, and wouldn’t have felt like I was being told my normal hair was bad or wrong in any way.

If the kid has naturally very curly hair and the straightening is being done because straighter hair is ‘better’ somehow, or the child is being made to feel that her natural hair is wrong and needs to be corrected, then I can see why you’d worry.

3 times really just sounds like a nice treat and a bit of mum-daughter bonding time though so I think the sadness and talk of ‘protecting’ your granddaughter are a bit OTT unless there’s more going on here.

Merryclaire · 15/05/2022 09:42

I don’t think you need to protect her actual hair from straighteners, and occasionally doing this - or curling straight hair - won’t hurt. But I do think it’s a young age to start being so appearance focused, and think it would be better if the influence from parents was to focus on embracing her own natural hair/beauty.
If only you could protect her from the desire to change her appearance as she gets older, but sadly that may never be possible.
I would give GD praise about her beautiful curly/wavy hair when you next see it ‘natural’ and hope that it sinks in.

liveforsummer · 15/05/2022 09:45

Of course she's going to disregard what you've said. It's her child and not your business. She's doing the occasional hair straightening not tattooing her. There is no long term harm to be had.

Daisycrown · 15/05/2022 09:46

Definitely need more context.
Straightening a la Gabriel Aubrys nonsense or experimenting?
I personally wouldn't put straighteners in my child's head for a long time but only because she is a child. I want her to embrace her natural beauty first before experimenting which I fully expect will happen. The issue you're going to have though is it not being your child, however as I opened my response with it depends on the context as to how much you can say.

Momicrone · 15/05/2022 09:49

Yeah it's weird focusing on looks at such a young age, a bit like pierced ears too. Kids should just be left to be kids, naturally.

MrsMigginsCat · 15/05/2022 09:51

Don't interfere.

My mum and her friend permed my hair with a Toni foam perm when I was 8. No harm done - I still have hair 42 years later.

LicoricePizza · 15/05/2022 09:54

Euridicefortuna · 15/05/2022 09:27

Op,please come back and tell us the ethnicity of your granddaughter. People on this thread are being unnecessarily judgemental of you without knowing the full facts.Most people on this thread are white and only see and live the white experience, they are not even taking ethnicity into consideration.If your granddaughter isn't white ,they will never know the the self hate that can be internalised just because you have afro hair and most of your dolls and friends have European hair. Straightening can damage the curl pattern of afro hair.It takes pride and courage to get to adulthood with your natural afro hair.

This is true - I haven’t taken ethnicity into account at all. Have made a lot of assumptions tbf….be helpful to know.

AngelinaFibres · 15/05/2022 10:37

SpaceJamtart · 15/05/2022 00:06

My mum used to plait my hair wet and let it dry wavy as mine was poker straight. It didn't make me think she was trying to change me or that I thought I should have wavy hair to be pretty. It was just fun, just like getting a fringe or painting your nails. Temporary changes to play around with, like face paint at a fair.

Exactly. I have mostly straight hair. My mum used to curl it in strips of cloth when I went to bed to create curls. She did it if we were going to a party. She didn't do it very often because it was a faff. I thought it was fabulous. I didn't think my day to day hair wasn't good enough. I had 2 sons so hair stuff wasn't a thing, but if I had had a girl,I would have loved to try different styles. It's fun to experiment with different looks. Surely it's no more meaningful than that.

AngelinaFibres · 15/05/2022 10:38

MrsMigginsCat · 15/05/2022 09:51

Don't interfere.

My mum and her friend permed my hair with a Toni foam perm when I was 8. No harm done - I still have hair 42 years later.

Wow. Did it go well ????

Abraxan · 15/05/2022 10:48

3 times in 6 years. 🤷‍♀️

I'm assuming it's for special occasions as it's not regular, such as a party. I remember being not much older and having my hair crimped or curled and tied up for a party. As did many friends, it was all the range to have crimped hair for a party back then it seems.

Is straightening hair any difference really?

And no, it won't cause long term damage to her hair.

catandcoffee · 15/05/2022 10:54

What's she teaching her daughter... you have to have straight hair to look nice...no you aren't wrong in your wishes. But as a mil you will be ripped to pieces on here.

ReadyToMoveIt · 15/05/2022 11:10

catandcoffee · 15/05/2022 10:54

What's she teaching her daughter... you have to have straight hair to look nice...no you aren't wrong in your wishes. But as a mil you will be ripped to pieces on here.

When I straightened my daughter’s hair the only thing I can imagine it taught her is that ‘when I ask mummy if I can do something, she sometimes says yes and we have fun doing it together’.

TabithaTittlemouse · 15/05/2022 11:14

Are they playing hairdressers?
If she was doing it daily I would agree with you but I think you need to respect that your dgc isn’t your child.

Lesperance · 15/05/2022 11:35

Well, I think we already knew that mumsnet is overwhelmingly white, and I would put money on every single person who said wind you neck in being white too.
For me, if it is chemical, that's not ok, if it is just with a bit of heat, you are making too much of a fuss.

liveforsummer · 15/05/2022 11:42

I'm going to guess, by the fact alone that OP has not been back to the thread, that the dc in question neither has Afro hair or has had hair chemically straightened.

LaMarschallin · 15/05/2022 11:42

Lesperance

Well, I think we already knew that mumsnet is overwhelmingly white, and I would put money on every single person who said wind you neck in being white too.

I'm white but, seeing how strongly the OP felt from her post my first thought was that the DIL may be white and the GC mixed race.
I think it's perhaps a mixture of the majority of MN being white, as you said, but also the assumption that MILs (particularly of daughters) are going to be unreasonable and unpleasant until proved otherwise.

ReadyToMoveIt · 15/05/2022 11:48

LaMarschallin · 15/05/2022 11:42

Lesperance

Well, I think we already knew that mumsnet is overwhelmingly white, and I would put money on every single person who said wind you neck in being white too.

I'm white but, seeing how strongly the OP felt from her post my first thought was that the DIL may be white and the GC mixed race.
I think it's perhaps a mixture of the majority of MN being white, as you said, but also the assumption that MILs (particularly of daughters) are going to be unreasonable and unpleasant until proved otherwise.

Unless the OP comes back and clarifies, we have no idea what race she or the child are.
Id think it’s equally as weird if my mum wanted to ‘protect’ my child from us experimenting with her hair once in a while as I would if it was my MIL.

LaMarschallin · 15/05/2022 11:56

Unless the OP comes back and clarifies, we have no idea what race she or the child are.

No, I know. Thats why I said "may be".
And I agree: if she just means she wants to "protect" her GC from having her hair styled by her mother, that is odd.
But I prefer to give the benefit of the doubt.

WonderingWanda · 15/05/2022 11:58

That is a very valid point and it hadn't occurred to me. I didn't actually know chemical hair straightening of afro hair was a thing which I suppose shows me up to be insular and living in a bubble of privalige.