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Original poster

2weeks after we split they're now 'friends' on Facebook?

152 replies

Bagoshite · 14/05/2022 23:15

I split up with my ex partner less than a fortnight ago. We'd been together nearly 10 years.

3 years ago he started fucking this awful woman he met on a no strings sex site. She contacted me after he finished it with her (it had gone on for months). We blocked her on everything, she then contacted us through fake accounts and other numbers, harassed both of us (mainly me) to the point where we had to threaten police. Eventually we got back together. No contact since. Or so I thought.

We had a row on the Bank holiday weekend. He told me he'd been in contact with her. Then tried to backtrack and say she messaged him. I walked out, and although we spoke a couple of days later (where he ranted at me like a madman) we're over. I can't forgive him being in contact with her again. He insists there's nothing in it, she's a friend and she has a boyfriend (means nothing, she's had sex with 100s of men, goes to swinging parties etc). But that doesn't matter to me. She's not his friend and he shouldn't have been messaging her while in a relationship with me.

He contacted me last week with copies of the messages, asking me to reconsider - I said it still changed nothing, and that we were over from the time he sent the first message back to her. That he'd thrown away our futures, everything we've built over the past decade. That was all on him. Anything else we could have worked through but this was the one thing that meant we were over for good.

Anyway I was informed today that Ex and this vile woman are now FB 'friends'. Literally days after he was asking me to forgive him. I feel even more disappointed in him than I already was. It does confirm I made the right decision but why would you do that? I thought better of him I really did, but wanting to have anything to do with such a fucking fruit loop just shows he's exactly as thick as she is. It makes a complete mockery of everything we had. I'm annoyed with him for valuing get we had so little and this is just further evidence of that.

I can't even cry about it. I'm still too angry and disappointed.

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 14/05/2022 23:22

It's your own fault for taking him back the first time!

EncantoDaisies · 14/05/2022 23:24

I don't want to sound harsh but he had already made a mockery of everything you had three years ago when he started cheating on you.

Who cares who he's friends with on Facebook? You're well rid of him now. That's a good thing. Block him, stop worrying about him and move on with your life.

PumpkinsandKittens · 14/05/2022 23:25

Sorry but I struggle to have any sympathy you was foolish enough to take him back 🤦🏻

Original poster
Bagoshite · 14/05/2022 23:38

I've always believed people deserve a second chance. Hence the reason we got back together. But that was a final chance, hence now we're split.

He's already blocked by me on Facebook.

Moving on... Yeah right. It takes a bit longer than 2 weeks to get over the end of such a long relationship. I thought we were going to be together for the rest of our lives, as it is I've had the rug pulled in a pretty shitty way. Again .

OP posts:
PumpkinsandKittens · 14/05/2022 23:41

No people don’t “always deserve a second chance” 🙄

EncantoDaisies · 14/05/2022 23:46

Well I didn't mean move on with your life within two weeks but maybe stop obsessing over his motives and whose he's friends with on Facebook - that would be a good start.

I don't really know why you would have wanted to spend your life with someone who met a woman on a no strings attached website during your relationship. I think you need to work on your self esteem op.

It's crap you've had the rug pulled out from under you twice now but you know don't let him do it again.

Grieve the relationship, grieve the man you thought you were going to be with forever but then see him for who he really is and make sure you don't give him another chance to do this to you again.

Original poster
Bagoshite · 14/05/2022 23:46

Is there really any need for that comment? What are you expecting to achieve, it's not like I can undo my previous decisions so why try and needle me about them?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bagoshite · 14/05/2022 23:50

My self esteem is absolutely fine, its why I ended things.

I do see that he placed zero value on us. I just don't get why not. I was the best thing in his life, the best relationship he'd ever had. As such I can't understand why he would throw all that away for something so tawdry, and then waste a second chance.

It makes no sense to me at all. It defies explanation. And thats the hard part.

I will get over it eventually I guess, whatever getting over it means. Hopefully at some point the feeling of being kicked in the stomach will pass.

OP posts:
TheDaydreamBelievers · 14/05/2022 23:51

Ooft. Way to kick OP when she is down. These responses are unhelpful

I'm sorry @Bagoshite . The way he has acted is awful. Not just infidelity but also clearly the begging apologies were a bunch of lies. I totally understand why you feel it's mocking what you had and invalidating your relationship in some way. Also why would he want to be friends with someone who treated you so badly? This man may have said he was sorry etc but he sure as well isn't acting that way.

Solidarityovercharity · 14/05/2022 23:52

I'm so sorry that sounds really tough.

Pickabearanybear · 14/05/2022 23:57

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Original poster
Bagoshite · 14/05/2022 23:59

TheDaydreamBelievers · 14/05/2022 23:51

Ooft. Way to kick OP when she is down. These responses are unhelpful

I'm sorry @Bagoshite . The way he has acted is awful. Not just infidelity but also clearly the begging apologies were a bunch of lies. I totally understand why you feel it's mocking what you had and invalidating your relationship in some way. Also why would he want to be friends with someone who treated you so badly? This man may have said he was sorry etc but he sure as well isn't acting that way.

Thanks for understanding where I'm coming from!

Although he asked me to reconsider he didn't actually apologise, as I pointed out to him. And again an apology wouldn't have made it right, but it just showed he didn't really think he was wrong. And even when he wanted me to reconsider, I think of I had he'd have kept messaging her afterwards. Even if we got back together.

She treated him badly too, you could argue he deserved it, but at the time she was harassing us both his mum was terminally ill (which she knew). I reminded him of this and he had no response. Hes prepared to ignore that because he has no friends and kids himself she is one. I was his best friend, I was always there for him and now he's lost me as a result.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock1 · 15/05/2022 00:01

He is a dickhead.

You gave him another chance he ruined it, don't be fooled again.

Original poster
Bagoshite · 15/05/2022 00:04

A friend told me as she saw the woman's name on his friends list. My friend (who was also FB friends with my Ex) had gone on to delete/ block him as I'd only just told her we'd split up. I've not made a big thing about telling people, I can't deal with talking about it directly if I'm honest. I've still not told my children. They're grown up but were closer to Ex than their own useless father Sad

OP posts:
YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 15/05/2022 00:05

You’re getting a bit of a hard time here and that’s not on. You took him back because you loved him and wanted to make it work, like many other people who have been cheated on. He’s thrown it back at you as these types usually often do. Like you said, him being “friends” so quickly with this woman has confirmed to you that you’ve made the right decision to end it for good.

I strongly advise that you very firmly tell any mutual friends that you don’t want to hear anything about what he’s up to and mean it. You’ve got him blocked for a reason. It’s easier to move on when you don’t have people, however well meaning, updating you on everything an ex is doing.

PumpkinsandKittens · 15/05/2022 00:07

But don’t expect sympathy,
once a cheat always a cheat.

Original poster
Bagoshite · 15/05/2022 00:08

I'm kind of glad my friend told me. I wouldn't have given him another chance in relationship terms but it wasn't impossible that at some point in the future if my kids contacted him, or he'd asked me for some professional advice, I might have been prepared to respond purely as a friend. But not even that now, he's burnt every last bridge with me by showing that, god knows why, she is more important than me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bagoshite · 15/05/2022 00:11

PumpkinsandKittens · 15/05/2022 00:07

But don’t expect sympathy,
once a cheat always a cheat.

Not necessarily true.

He'd never cheated in any previous relationships in 20 years before he met me. Its not like this was a pattern for him. If it was, I might not have felt he deserved a second chance.

OP posts:
PumpkinsandKittens · 15/05/2022 00:13

He told you he never cheated Doesn’t mean he didn’t... cheaters dont normally admit it, you only found out he cheated on you because SHE contacted you.

pumpkinpie01 · 15/05/2022 00:17

Yea I'd be disappointed and angry too that he is friends with someone that harassed you to the point where you had to get the police involved! You sound like a strong woman - stick to your guns and block all contact you will get over him quicker

User725465 · 15/05/2022 00:21

You would have probably been better off posting in the relationships sub than here as that is full of women who have been through exactly this and give great advice. Best advice I can give is to get yourself on chumplady and read as much as you can, every day on there. This one springs to mind about you wanting to understand WHY he has done all this and the answer is here: www.chumplady.com/2012/06/untangling-the-skein/

Isaidnoalready · 15/05/2022 00:22

Your getting a hard time on here for no reason

Your feelings are valid you have every right to feel sad mad disappointed how things turned out

Now concentrate on picking yourself up and moving on to better and brighter things without him

Don't dwell on the obnoxious piece if shite anymore

BoDerek · 15/05/2022 00:29

MissMaple82 · 14/05/2022 23:22

It's your own fault for taking him back the first time!

It really isn’t and that’s an extremely rude and mean post.

Original poster
Bagoshite · 15/05/2022 00:31

I think an established cheat would make a better job of it tbh. I met him when he was getting divorced, I know the reasons for that had nothing to do with infidelity. I don't believe had had cheated before, he did with me because he wanted a last hurrah or something, and because the opportunity was there. Its not an excuse though.

It does hurt that after waiting basically my whole adult life to meet someone who liked me just as I am, who I got on brilliantly with, and who seemed to value me and wanted to raise me up, encourage me to grow and achieve things, that it didn't last, and ultimately he threw it all away.

OP posts:
BoDerek · 15/05/2022 00:35

He has treated you very badly and it is not surprising you are feeling very wounded.

Now is the time to be gentle with yourself, you have been betrayed and it hurts.

The pain will fade but it does take time, try to put your energy into self care like good sleep, food and exercise, and gradually you will start to feel better.

Take a break from men, you need to look at why you settle for so little before getting into another relationship.

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