2weeks after we split they're now 'friends' on Facebook?

[Bagoshite]

I split up with my ex partner less than a fortnight ago. We'd been together nearly 10 years.

3 years ago he started fucking this awful woman he met on a no strings sex site. She contacted me after he finished it with her (it had gone on for months). We blocked her on everything, she then contacted us through fake accounts and other numbers, harassed both of us (mainly me) to the point where we had to threaten police. Eventually we got back together. No contact since. Or so I thought.

We had a row on the Bank holiday weekend. He told me he'd been in contact with her. Then tried to backtrack and say she messaged him. I walked out, and although we spoke a couple of days later (where he ranted at me like a madman) we're over. I can't forgive him being in contact with her again. He insists there's nothing in it, she's a friend and she has a boyfriend (means nothing, she's had sex with 100s of men, goes to swinging parties etc). But that doesn't matter to me. She's not his friend and he shouldn't have been messaging her while in a relationship with me.

He contacted me last week with copies of the messages, asking me to reconsider - I said it still changed nothing, and that we were over from the time he sent the first message back to her. That he'd thrown away our futures, everything we've built over the past decade. That was all on him. Anything else we could have worked through but this was the one thing that meant we were over for good.

Anyway I was informed today that Ex and this vile woman are now FB 'friends'. Literally days after he was asking me to forgive him. I feel even more disappointed in him than I already was. It does confirm I made the right decision but why would you do that? I thought better of him I really did, but wanting to have anything to do with such a fucking fruit loop just shows he's exactly as thick as she is. It makes a complete mockery of everything we had. I'm annoyed with him for valuing get we had so little and this is just further evidence of that.

I can't even cry about it. I'm still too angry and disappointed.

Don't forget she met him on a sex site, where she was shagging a different man most nights of the week

You sound extremely unpleasant.

Op I get you are angry at her as well.

But the misogynistic judgements you are piling on her, are very unpleasant.

So what if she has a sex with a different man every night? Would you be judging her for that if one of those men wasn’t your boyfriend?

Do you believe women shouldn’t sleep with men as they choose? or only women you like?

I get that she has been pretty unpleasant to you. But misogyny doesn’t become ok, when you don’t like someone.

Exactly.

When I once said to someone how unsupported I felt by friends, they said "that's because you're expecting too much, the only person who will support/ help you like that is a partner'. And truthfully that's been my experience.

Ignore that someone, they are talking out of their arse.

It's unrealistic - as well as demanding/needy - to put all that expectation on one person. To buy into the romance industry's bullshit that "The One" will solve all your problems & be an endless font of support.

That's why we have friendships - we spread the load, support each other to the best of our abilities, knowing that there are other loving friends who can also pick up the slack when needed.

I'm sorry you are experiencing the double whammy of losing your long relationship AND coming out of it to find that your current friendships are more like acquaintanceships. How strong were your friendships before getting with your ex? Do you feel you have sacrificed those due you being with your ex - or is it possible that he isolated you, & made all your focus all about him?

You will find new friends, or pick up with old ones, or strengthen the bonds you have with acquaintances. It takes time, like healing from romantic upset. You'll get there ... & the sooner you are able to stop dwelling on him, the faster you'll mend. Easily said, I know - not easily done, but look after yourself, get onto the Chumplady site PP recommended (bonus is - Chumplady is also funny!), & maybe even think about swearing off dating for a year or so, & doing The Freedom Programme. It'll stiffen your spine, & give you useful tools for dealing with people both within & outside of close relationships.

It's not misogyny. If the genders were reversed I'd have an equally low opinion of a single man who set out to sleep with married/ attached women.

My ex partner chose to fuck someone from that site and yes of course that was his decision. He is solely responsible for that.

However if she hadn't contacted me in the horrendous manner she did, giving me all the info about how many married men she's been with, making comments about me because she was jealous and wanted to stir the pot, I'd know nothing about her and that would have been fine with me. Any judgements I make about her are based on the behaviour she demonstrated to me in her harassment of me, and the information she chose to impart in the course of that.

I don't subscribe to the view that all women are victims of men, that I should somehow be on her side? That's bullshit.

As for friends, no they've always been shit. When I met my Ex it was the first time since my parents died I felt I could relax, that I actually had anyone I could rely on. I never had a relationship where o could rely on the other person in any real way, and certainly not a friendship either. Like I said, people get that from family (parents, siblings) or their partner. If you have neither, you're on your own, in every sense.

Having no friendships and depending on your partner for everything is unusual and unhealthy.

Instead of focusing on this woman and trying to get everyone onside/to hate her to make yourself feel better, have a good look at your own life and what changes you can make to be happier.

It is misogyny because you are judging her for how many men she sleeps with. As though that impacts anything. Its a judgement placed on women because they don’t live to a Patriarchy’s view of what women should be allowed to do.

I didn’t say she was a victim or you should be on her side. You can throughly dislike her and her behaviour.

But your insults of her are misogynistic. And you either believe that’s ok or not. Sexism doesn’t become ok once you don’t like someone.

I am mixed race, if I slept with your boyfriend would you find it acceptable to be racist towards me? Sexism and ravishing have been equally damaging to me.

And people do get support and acceptance from friends and partners. But you appear to be not picking well in either group. He made you feel accepted because that kept you believing he was a good man

Many of us have friends who are closer than family.

I don’t think you can believe anything this man told you.

Sorry this didn’t work out OP. You’re better off well out of that nasty situation.

I also don’t buy the ex was crazy story. It’s always the same in these situations… just maybe the man’s been mucking you both about.

I'm sure not all OW are crazy. This one demonstrated she was by how she behaved to me. I saw it first hand. At no point did I take anything my partner said about her as gospel, quite the opposite. He said very little about her, and he didn't need to, I'd already heard more than enough from her.

I think little of a woman who sleeps with hundreds of attached men. I'd have the same low opinion of a man who sleeps with hundreds of attached women. I don't think sleeping with hundreds of non single people is a behaviour to aspire to, irrespective of gender, and tbh it's not something I want or need to know about. I only knew about this because she told me. I'd think she was a toxic person regardless of whether she'd slept with 5 men off that site or 500.

I get the advice of get on with your life and make better friends. But the reality of (my) life is there are no better friends. I have tried. I have helped others. But when those around you have the family or partner you don't, the reality is they don't need your help, they have a parent/ sibling/ partner.

I know a question sometimes asked is who could you phone in an emergency at 3am? For me it was my parents...and then no one until my partner. I guess now my children are over 18 I do have them. But it's a different type of relationship that I have with my children of course and I can't be too demanding of them.

You posted several times about her sleeping with men in general. Your issues aren’t just with the men she is sleeping with, but that she is doing it all.

My best friend is married and I have a partner. When my mum died and I called her from mums house her response was ‘I am on my way’. Her husband sorted out the kids and changed plans. She stayed with me all evening and helped me tell my children. She came round every evening and sat with me while I cried. I have a partner and he was great too. But sometimes she was the one I needed and she was there. And so was her mum.

When she had problems at work, I went straight round and worked it out with her. Helped her write emails etc. when she just needs someone, I am there and she is there for me. To talk through anything. Parenting, relationship, mental health issues.

My parents were there for me. But so are other people.

as op said above, having it all in one person is not good for either. It’s to much pressure. For both people.

When I lost one parent, I had the other. When the second parent died...I was pretty much on my own. Sure people came to the funeral but that was the extent of it. The only way I got to see people was by going out with them every night and getting drunk, other than that I'd have been home alone. Grief makes people uncomfortable.

When previous relationships broke down, friends made it clear they didn't want to get too involved. There was one exception who dud very kindly help me move, but she's since got married and had a child, I've not seen her in 6 years as her life is busy with her husband and son, and other friends who are more part of that life.

The few people I've told...2 of the 4 responses have been oh that's a shame. When you fancy a night out and a good drink let me know' which is intended to be kind but I can't really face going out drinking.

The problem with your friendships is probably that you view friends as people to support you, and you seek to help others as a kind of transactional way to purchase their support.

Friendships are fundamentally built on mutual respect and fun, not on crises and codependency.

You are clearly a judgemental person based on your descriptions in this thread. Perhaps this makes it hard to connect with others.

Whatever it is, there is something seriously wrong if you have no friends you can call in a crisis.

I think you're massively over analysing this, OP. It's perfectly understandable you feel hurt, but there is little to mull over. The guy is a total creep who shagged some dirty swinger behind your back and then did it again. Anything else is pretty much irrelevant at this point.

I have to agree with this.

Friendships are built on fun and shared experience. However it was my bad luck to lose both parents relatively young as an only child and need some support (of which there was none really, as I said - at that time most of my peers still had grandparents, so losing a parent let alone both was very much outside their experience).

I've helped people in the past. I do less now because I realised that it was almost all one way. That said, many didn't need that from me, because they had a partner, or family instead who gave that additional support, they didn't need that from friends and hence it wouldn't occur to then to offer it either.

Sadly we don't all have close, reliable friends. I see threads on here all the time from posters saying exactly what I have, that their friends are/ were unreliable, and they were grateful for their partner, or family who they could depend on.

I have people to go to the pub, get drunk and (if I was so inclined) do drugs with. I don't really have anyone who I could call at 3am, or who wants to listen to my problems.

She slept with her husband!!

Op, I'm so sorry you have had numerous people being dicks to you I really dont understand it.

that is a disgusting post!

OP, I've read through this thread and I am appalled. Truly disgusted.

Your husband slept wiht someone from a sex site and you took him back in good faith because you loved him (obviously all of these posters have never once made a mistake with a man, my arse). for them to blame you, judge you on your feelings towards this woman and attempt to make out that you are in any way responsible - I am so, so sorry. They are evil bitches kicking you when you're down and on behalf of them all I am ashamed to be part of this thread.

I hope you're OK. Re your post about litle family and friends support, I'm sorry to hear that. Don't listen to these idiots. There is nothing wrong with you. You sound like a strong and amazing lady.

This is vile.

She is judging the woman because she slept with her husband! Your attempt to link with it is absolutely disgusting.

*racism

@Andromachehadabadday

I think it's good to have people who are prepared to do this for a friend, but tbh if somebody wakes me up at 3am wanting me to listen to their problems it better be serious.

I think support is important, but the key thing here is getting your own head in the right place and nobody else can do that. They can help, but you need to recognise the situation for what it is and try and move on, even if it's a slow process.

But this is just general advice as I don't really know you and thus could be totally wrong.

Put the haters on this thread in the same category as your ex & the OW - toxic.

Give yourself time, let yourself grieve. You’re bound to be terrified if you’ve relied upon him & are fearing life without that support. Don’t know many that wouldn’t regardless of the number of friends they have.

You can get through this & you’re stronger than you think. Give yourself the chance to find out. If he makes contact in the future & you’re at a low ebb & feel you may crack -post in relationships & I’m sure plenty will give you the support not to give in.

You believe you can’t cope without him because since you lost yr parents he kind of made you feel whole again. But give yourself the chance to find out that you’re able to do this. He may have helped you then. But what was good medicine then has now turned bad & going back will be far worse for your mh than staying put. He is now toxic.

It is a loss & it won’t be pleasant. There’s always counselling if you need a space to make sense of it all. And when yr ready to start finding ways of connecting with others which are wholesome & good for you, new friendships even if they are just acquaintances to start with, will follow. It seems impossible now & because of the past but don’t let that narrative keep you in a place of fear & hopelessness 💐

Thank you.

In truth its not that I can't cope without him. I got through losing my parents, I will get through this. I'm just sad that after finally feeling I could relax, that everything wasn't all on me, all the time, I'm back there again. It was nice while it lasted, having someone to share the load for the first time in 20 years. I can only hope I find that again eventually, next time with someone who isn't going to shag other women. Because it being over, whilst sad and painful, isn't so sad, painful or terrifying as thinking I might never have that again.