2weeks after we split they're now 'friends' on Facebook?

[Bagoshite]

I split up with my ex partner less than a fortnight ago. We'd been together nearly 10 years.

3 years ago he started fucking this awful woman he met on a no strings sex site. She contacted me after he finished it with her (it had gone on for months). We blocked her on everything, she then contacted us through fake accounts and other numbers, harassed both of us (mainly me) to the point where we had to threaten police. Eventually we got back together. No contact since. Or so I thought.

We had a row on the Bank holiday weekend. He told me he'd been in contact with her. Then tried to backtrack and say she messaged him. I walked out, and although we spoke a couple of days later (where he ranted at me like a madman) we're over. I can't forgive him being in contact with her again. He insists there's nothing in it, she's a friend and she has a boyfriend (means nothing, she's had sex with 100s of men, goes to swinging parties etc). But that doesn't matter to me. She's not his friend and he shouldn't have been messaging her while in a relationship with me.

He contacted me last week with copies of the messages, asking me to reconsider - I said it still changed nothing, and that we were over from the time he sent the first message back to her. That he'd thrown away our futures, everything we've built over the past decade. That was all on him. Anything else we could have worked through but this was the one thing that meant we were over for good.

Anyway I was informed today that Ex and this vile woman are now FB 'friends'. Literally days after he was asking me to forgive him. I feel even more disappointed in him than I already was. It does confirm I made the right decision but why would you do that? I thought better of him I really did, but wanting to have anything to do with such a fucking fruit loop just shows he's exactly as thick as she is. It makes a complete mockery of everything we had. I'm annoyed with him for valuing get we had so little and this is just further evidence of that.

I can't even cry about it. I'm still too angry and disappointed.

Some of the comments on here are completely unnecessary, not to mention rude.

OP, I'm sorry you're feeling so hurt by his actions, but him friending her on FB just shows you that you were right to ditch him. Stay strong and move on. He's a waste of space.

She just wants to talk about it. Who died and made you the thread monitor?

I would NOT have taken him back

Ahh, that’s very disappointing and upsetting after ten years OP. But I don’t think that you could ever really trust this man so think of it as an escape.

I am trying to get on with things, doing my housework and gardening, all the everyday tasks that seem utterly futile if I'm honest. I was driving earlier today and my car made a very odd thumping noise. I always asked him about car problems, can't do that now. Every day something happens I would have asked him or told him, and I can't. Its like he died, except he didn't.

There was a LOT of good in our relationship. I know its easy to say 'oh he cheated, you took him back, you have no self respect' but I know I am the best partner he's ever had or ever will, that's not having no self esteem. He did a lot for me, practically, emotionally. We rarely argued, because we agreed on most things, we had really similar views on many key issues, some things we didn't but would have a respectful discussion. We admired many things about each other. I gave him a second chance because I think people deserve them, because making mistakes is human but also because I thought what we had was special enough to merit a second chance. When I say I thought we were together for life I mean it, I really did.

When we split up the First time people who knew us were actively shocked. He adores you, I can't believe he'd do that. They thought he was having a breakdown, of mid life crisis. It was so out of character.

I know I am the best partner he's ever had or ever will, that's not having no self esteem.

Actually, it is. Knowing you are good or the best for him, and yet accepting the lousy treatment of his cheating on you, is not demonstrating self-esteem. I am so sorry you've had this shock, and it's going to take time to recover. I wish you well. Things will become clearer with time, and I hope you already have or gather support from friends and family.

I have some friends but most aren't particularly close, more acquaintances really. I rarely see any of them face to face. He was my best friend. No family apart from my children, my parents died 25 years ago and I'm an only child.

Ouch that must have hurt like fuck, he's a shit. Don't do anything while in a state about it, try and maintain no contact to avoid doing anything that leads to future regret.
This is easier said than done when you're raging, hurt and feeling humiliated but you ended it so you currently have the high ground. Try and keep it that way however much you want to rage at him.

Yanbu to be upset and furious by him publicly friending the woman he fucked up your ten year relationship over. Anyone would be.

I would be reaching out to those acquaintances, they might become friends and if they don't, you haven't lost more than an acquaintance.

Reach out to anyone but him.

Start with whoever told you.

That’s really twisting the knife in him doing that OP. What a piece of bleep. He’s really hurt you enough & then hearing that. There may be a part of him that knew this would get back to you & that he wants to make you suffer for not taking him back. Try & see it as him showing you his true colours. And all the more reason for why you don’t want him in your life. 💐

This! He was actually having sex with someone else and this didn't make you immediately leave? Then all the rest is little stuff compared to that.

This latest stunt of his actually proves the type of man he was all along. You were far better than he deserved. Be glad that you are rid of him and never accept a cheater again.

Completely uncalled for. Tall about kicking someone when they're down.

Did that feel good?

Shame on you

Op I would say the chances of him cheating consistently is very high.

he probably is good at hiding it and she is the one you found out about. Even accomplished cheaters get caught out on occasion.
he didn’t need a last hurrah 7 years in.

The good thing about what’s happened with them being friends on FB, is that you see him for what he always was.

Sounds like your are U for taking this man back in the first place. Be happy its over now. Stop stalking him on fb. Cut ties with him

And dont assume he never cheated before he met you 🤣

Hi OP
Gosh, some people can be really vile on this site! In the past I too have given someone a second chance and the reality is, many of the posters here would probably do the same! However, you did the right thing second time around and you know that it's absolutely over. It sucks a lot but you WILL get through it!

The best possible 'revenge' is getting on with your life. Block him on everything, tell mutual friends that you don't want to hear about anything he's doing and then, if you can afford it, do something lovely for yourself. Get a new hairstyle, join a gym, go on a lovely holiday or whatever it is that your broken heart needs to recover. I wish you well!

Ignore the haters OP. You have done nothing wrong. 'Once a cheat always a cheat' is utter bs, I know plenty of one time cheats who redeemed themselves. You did not deserve this second betrayal and you should not have 'expected it'.

You should however have expected him to build the walls up around your relationship and to keep this awful woman away from you, but he chose instead to bring her in AGAIN. It is unforgivable. His adding her on SM just is another kick to the stomach as it shows how little he cared about your pain and distress. He had no right to that friendship after what he did. Selfishness and entitlement shine through, he's a nasty pos and you're better off without him, he learnt nothing.

I'm so sorry you're hurting, you will be ok though. Time to develop some close friends.

Interesting that you seem more bothered by ‘fb friends’ than the fact that he cheated, and was clearly doing so again.

is FB the benchmark?

Your well rid of this loser. People are giving you are hard time for forgiving him, but lots of people do take people back after infidelity and go on to have long happy relationships, so don’t feel bad, sometimes people on here take pleasure on giving the harshest advice.

However now he’s shown his true colours by not only cheating, but with a lunatic swinger who harassed you (and him), talk about thinking with your dick. Leave him to his angry swinger I’m sure they’ll be very happy together.

You've split up, it's none of your business who he's Facebook 'friends' with.

You are are being absolutely vile about this woman. She hasn't done anything wrong, she owes you and your marriage nothing. You need to redirect your anger and blame. Your husband lied, your husband cheated. First you were oblivious, then you took him back.

You don't sound very grounded in reality, OP. You are grieving the loss of an illusion. It hurts. Stop making up grandiose stories and blaming everyone else. Focus on factual reality and the choices you have made.

In his stupid head - because he is stupid, hurt & vindictive - he’s making the punishment fit the crime. As in ‘oh might as well be friends with her if OP doesn’t want me back’ and he’s trying to twist the knife. He knew it would hurt you, he knew you’d find out.
also she’s easy meat (if she’s happy to shag a man in relationship as proven in the past) & that’s quite attractive to a dumped man.

He has behaved appallingly towards you. I think it was v reasonable for you to give him a second chance first time around. Given the fall out from whatever he had with this woman he knew that you would not tolerate the we are just friends, she has a boyfriend line. You are absolutely right. When he decided to have a relationship again with her, regardless whether it was platonic or not, he knew this was not something you would tolerate. So yes he threw his future with you away.

I know you are trying to make sense of it all and looking for answers but the previous poster who advised you to not seek out info on what he is doing with or without the OW gave good advice. It will eat you up. You’ve been together a very long time so it will take time to adjust. I think it would be helpful if you started to tell people as you could do with some support in real life. Early on in break-ups it is good to talk but also to fill some of your time as each day passes it becomes a bit less raw.

Take care and ask to get this post moved to Relationships. You’ll get much more support there than AIBU. You weren’t unreasonable IMO to forgive him first time round. However, he has now shown total disregard for you by getting in contact with this woman again x

I also regret the second chance I gave my x. Join the club.

I had left which was really hard, and then :-( I went back. I was so stupid. But look, then end result was that when I did finally leave I never, ever wondered if it was the right decision. In the last 14 years I have been 100% free from any doubt about that. Just absolute certainty that I should have left sooner. I'd hate to be stupid enough to be wondering if I'd left a good life on a whim. I didn't. But... clarity in my head has been very valuable.

Be glad your friend told you yes. I know in the past, things I discovered when Id been a little bit in denial, they were so so painful in the shock of discovery, but that pain told me, this pain, this is my reaction to how shit things really were, the before, being 'ok' with it, that was only because I was in denial. Discovering how it really is makes me feel like this.

I think people on here can be so mean. Ignore them. They obviously just like kicking people when down or are anti-social.

The relationship forum is usually better and gets more sympathetic responses. AIBU is designed for judging someone’s actions and I think people forget there’s an actual person at the other end.

Best of luck moving forward. I think the Facebook thing is good in that it confirms you made the right decision