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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

2weeks after we split they're now 'friends' on Facebook?

152 replies

Bagoshite · 14/05/2022 23:15

I split up with my ex partner less than a fortnight ago. We'd been together nearly 10 years.

3 years ago he started fucking this awful woman he met on a no strings sex site. She contacted me after he finished it with her (it had gone on for months). We blocked her on everything, she then contacted us through fake accounts and other numbers, harassed both of us (mainly me) to the point where we had to threaten police. Eventually we got back together. No contact since. Or so I thought.

We had a row on the Bank holiday weekend. He told me he'd been in contact with her. Then tried to backtrack and say she messaged him. I walked out, and although we spoke a couple of days later (where he ranted at me like a madman) we're over. I can't forgive him being in contact with her again. He insists there's nothing in it, she's a friend and she has a boyfriend (means nothing, she's had sex with 100s of men, goes to swinging parties etc). But that doesn't matter to me. She's not his friend and he shouldn't have been messaging her while in a relationship with me.

He contacted me last week with copies of the messages, asking me to reconsider - I said it still changed nothing, and that we were over from the time he sent the first message back to her. That he'd thrown away our futures, everything we've built over the past decade. That was all on him. Anything else we could have worked through but this was the one thing that meant we were over for good.

Anyway I was informed today that Ex and this vile woman are now FB 'friends'. Literally days after he was asking me to forgive him. I feel even more disappointed in him than I already was. It does confirm I made the right decision but why would you do that? I thought better of him I really did, but wanting to have anything to do with such a fucking fruit loop just shows he's exactly as thick as she is. It makes a complete mockery of everything we had. I'm annoyed with him for valuing get we had so little and this is just further evidence of that.

I can't even cry about it. I'm still too angry and disappointed.

OP posts:
Abhannmor · 15/05/2022 07:30

Sounds like he has a lot of serious issues and is having some mid life crisis. He's also not who you thought he was. You need to block him completely now and concentrate on your own wellbeing. Wishing you all the best.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 15/05/2022 07:35

I don't think the responses have been particularly mean - they've just been honest. Personally I'm glad so many posters won't tolerate cheating and shitty behaviour!

Unfortunately OP, this man showed you what he was like when he cheated on you three years ago and you took a huge leap
of faith when you took him back - however, not unsurprisingly, it didn't pay off.

Nobody's expecting you to move on in two weeks but I think you're actually very lucky that he confessed to talking to her again - because it saved you from being lied to for even longer.

Practically speaking I would really recommend you get yourself checked for STI's if possible as I really don't believe this is the only woman he's cheated on you with. But, even if it is, you say she's into swinging and has multiple partners so please make sure you get yourself checked to be on the safe side.

Original poster
Bagoshite · 15/05/2022 07:47

Thanks to those posters who get where I'm coming from. As has been said, I know relationships that have recovered from affairs, in one case I can think of where the person having the affair actually left and moved in with the OW briefly. I know others where the infidelity was the final straw in an already failing relationship, the nail in the coffin. And again some where the infidelity went on for many years, and the spouse/ partner chose to turn a blind eye. We all make different decisions.

I believed there was too much good to throw it away. And actually in the last 3 years there have been many times where I felt things were better than ever.

I get what people are saying about reaching out for support. I have, a bit. But I know too well that everyone has busy lives, they don't have time to offer that. For many years I've had a partner, someone I can tell any problem to, call at any time, he's always been there, and vice versa of course. But friends...it's not like that. I was single for a long time before I met my Ex, and mostly it was pretty shit. When I once said to someone how unsupported I felt by friends, they said "that's because you're expecting too much, the only person who will support/ help you like that is a partner'. And truthfully that's been my experience.

I'm not making up stories to the PP who accused me of this. As for being vile about this woman, she's been vile to me thanks. Would it help if I told you some of the things she said to me, like how my Ex enjoyed sex with her because her vagina is tighter as she's not had children? Except she put it far less delicately than that of course. Of course I loathe him now. I'm angry with him, disappointed, hurt, sad. But I'm allowed to despise her too.

OP posts:
Stravaig · 15/05/2022 07:48

It's not just that OP took him back 3 years ago. It's that she clearly did so by running the age-old misogynistic script of an evil witch who cast a spell on her poor blameless husband who will be perfect again once he's safely back home. Obviously that's nonsense and OP is now having to deal with reality.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 15/05/2022 07:54

I'm sorry.

You're not the first person to fall for this and won't be the last, it's easy for someone in a relationship to feel worthless and some blame when a partner cheats on them.

I took an ex back years ago who cheated again.

This is his fault not yours, you tried to fix things.

Now it's time to see him for what he is, take control removing him from your SM.

Fluffycloudland77 · 15/05/2022 07:58

When you “take them back” your just telling them it’s ok to cheat. You let him do this to you.

Second chances lead to second heartbreaks.

Original poster
Bagoshite · 15/05/2022 07:58

I am glad I found out when I did. I was about to book an expensive holiday for us. I'd held off from doing so, because the last few months we'd had a few issues and I'd wanted to resolve them first, clear the air. I was planning to book in the day we broke up. So that's some money saved at least.

He'd been in contact with her by months at that point. He shared the messages with me, there was nothing in them, but that didn't matter. For me the line was crossed the first time he responded. She'd contacted him saying 'this is X, why did you call me?' and he replied saying he hadn't. He didn't need to do that. And once he had we were over. Which on some level he must have known.

I don't know if I've seen all the messages, and I don't care. Because whatever they were, whatever was said, unless it was her just contacting him and him never replying, our relationship was over. And even if he'd never replied, he should have told me, and blocked her.

So yes, at least I didn't spend another 3 years with him contacting her behind my back even if only to 'chat'. That's one positive to come out of all this.

OP posts:
Libertybear80 · 15/05/2022 08:02

Wow the complete unhelpfulness of the comments on here. Bitchy!

You have walked away now op and that's what counts. It's hard not to get drawn in by social media but you have to come off it.

Original poster
Bagoshite · 15/05/2022 08:03

The first time I was heartbroken. Absolutely. I'd never been cheated on before. It was so painful. Physically so. I felt like I'd had my arm cut off.

It's not so bad this time. I have raging insomnia, am comfort eating constantly and feel everything is pretty pointless. But the first time was far worse, I spent days crying. Now I've barely shed a tear.

OP posts:
LampLighter414 · 15/05/2022 08:07

Well you rejected going back to him so he has gone back to talking to or shagging her for some kind of comfort. That's why they're friends. But does it truly matter what he's up to given you know you don't want to be with him anymore?

I know you probably still have feelings for him, just try to keep busy and out of your mind as much as possible. It will get easier

PurassicJark · 15/05/2022 08:11

Ignore the shitty comments op, they are sad people with no lives, desperate for attention.

You gave him a second chance, that is strong to do really considering how nuts the woman was. She harassed you for ages, dunno why people think you were vile about her. I'd say whatever I wanted about a nut job like that.

Your partner will eventually come out of this mid life crisis and realise what he has lost and fucked up. Probably when his affair woman starts going nuts when he looks at other women. You may hear from him again, just ignore him. He's a twat.

notagamer · 15/05/2022 08:17

Moving on... Yeah right. It takes a bit longer than 2 weeks to get over the end of such a long relationship

not for him

please say no children involved in this mess

orangeisthenewpuce · 15/05/2022 08:19

Why on earth does this surprise you? He's vile. Of course he'd do this.

Spagaps · 15/05/2022 08:23

Bagoshite · 15/05/2022 00:11

Not necessarily true.

He'd never cheated in any previous relationships in 20 years before he met me. Its not like this was a pattern for him. If it was, I might not have felt he deserved a second chance.

Show quote history

You don't know this though, I doubt he would tell you and perhaps he's just not been caught before. At least you know now he has no respect for you and have left, yes his behaviour regarding friending her is shitty, but surely no worse than him signing up to a no string sex site and meeting someone (maybe multiple people) on there, no?

Champagnesupamother · 15/05/2022 08:23

Some posters on here are awful - you really don’t deserve some of the mean spirited comments your post has had.

I can imagine it must have been really difficult to love someone and have built up 7 Years with them, to then find out from the other party about 3 years of pointless infidelity on his part. That must have been a big kick in the guts. I am disgusted that he put you in that position in the first place but beyond livid that she has the audacity to cause what seems like a lot of attention seeking drama. No doubt he was fully aware of how angry and hurt you were. He is an absolute turf for reopening the lines or communication (irrespective of the reasons)

I think you’re really brave for taking the stance you have and choosing to finish things. and I think his very public befriending of the woman on social media is most likely either to get your attention and cause a reaction OR perhaps he thinks ‘stuff it Bagoshite doesn’t care now anyway‘. Which is just self destructing and immature.

in any case best to let it go, focus on you.

(also. If she was a swinger, and he was sleeping with her… please go get a full screening. Just for peace of mind).

itsgettingweird · 15/05/2022 08:24

What a horrid few responses in here.

You loved him and took him back because you believed him.

He's let you down again and if you feel anger then you feel it. Eventually those feelings will change and you'll go through a grief process for the life you thought you'd have together.

But ultimately you've proved to yourself how strong you are. You've walked away.

Focus on yourself now. Get some counselling if you can and look forward to a new future for someone who loves you enough not to cheat. Flowers

Heronwatcher · 15/05/2022 08:25

Unfortunately you seem to have some rose tinted views of how this relationship was. This is the best thing to have happened as it shows you who he is and probably always was (incidentally I don’t believe for a second that he ever cut contact completely so the recent Facebook action is probably completely irrelevant). It’s difficult OP but surely better to know now than waste another 10 years.

Spagaps · 15/05/2022 08:35

but beyond livid that she has the audacity to cause what seems like a lot of attention seeking drama.

Most other women who do this do so because they're promised the world by the men that are cheating and get annoyed when they walk away and break those promises. A one night stand is very unlikely to behave so unhinged, but that's the narrative men have successfully spun.

Original poster
Bagoshite · 15/05/2022 09:50

I have adult children who think of him as a stepdad. He's been in their lives for a long time, they have virtually no relationship with their own father. No children together though, we were too old.

He will realise eventually what hes lost. He would have had a great life with me, one that most people would been happy with. I'm attractive for my age, make an effort with my appearance, well educated, intelligent, loyal, I have a good job, and own my house with no mortgage so I could provide us a nice lifestyle. But it wasn't enough for him apparently.

I did think of contacting him when I heard about the Facebook thing, but decided against it, what would be the point. It wouldn't change anything, or achieve anything. So I didn't.

OP posts:
Mamai90 · 15/05/2022 09:59

Some of the comments on here give me the fucking rage.

People on here love to kick someone when they are down, it's really nasty. And grown adults too, usually the same culprits.

It's not your fault you tool him back OP, of course it's not. But I think it's really confirmed that he's the bagoshite.

DarkDarkNight · 15/05/2022 10:07

I would agree you should post in relationships not AIBU. Some of these responses are deliberately, gleefully cruel.

Not everyone believe cheating has to mean the immediate end of a relationship. In real life lots of people choose to try again for many reasons.

You are are being absolutely vile about this woman. She hasn't done anything wrong

Did you read the OP? She harassed them to the point of police involvement.

cottagegardenflower · 15/05/2022 10:08

It is a lesson to be learned that somethings are so awful they don't deserve a second chance. Most women would never take a blatant cheater, who put your health at risk with their behaviour, back. You wasted too many years on him. Process and move on and don't make the same mistake

PurpleFlower1983 · 15/05/2022 10:11

Just don’t be fooled into taking him back again, you’ve lost 3 years but it’s better than a lifetime, there are decent men out there who don’t cheat.

Ntsure · 15/05/2022 10:21

youd probably be better off posting this in the relationships board. People on AIBU seem to believe being mean makes them clever and like to pretend that they have never made a mistake in their life.

Justcallmeanatm · 15/05/2022 10:32

Op he is disgusting for all he has done to you. He actively went looking for sex and he has actively done the face book friend. He has treated you appallingly and please keep this in.mind if he tries to come back. You deserve to be happy my lovely think about yourself and what would make you smile again it could be a box of chocolates or a trip to the cinema. Start of with the small changes look after yourself my lovely