2weeks after we split they're now 'friends' on Facebook?

[Bagoshite]

I split up with my ex partner less than a fortnight ago. We'd been together nearly 10 years.

3 years ago he started fucking this awful woman he met on a no strings sex site. She contacted me after he finished it with her (it had gone on for months). We blocked her on everything, she then contacted us through fake accounts and other numbers, harassed both of us (mainly me) to the point where we had to threaten police. Eventually we got back together. No contact since. Or so I thought.

We had a row on the Bank holiday weekend. He told me he'd been in contact with her. Then tried to backtrack and say she messaged him. I walked out, and although we spoke a couple of days later (where he ranted at me like a madman) we're over. I can't forgive him being in contact with her again. He insists there's nothing in it, she's a friend and she has a boyfriend (means nothing, she's had sex with 100s of men, goes to swinging parties etc). But that doesn't matter to me. She's not his friend and he shouldn't have been messaging her while in a relationship with me.

He contacted me last week with copies of the messages, asking me to reconsider - I said it still changed nothing, and that we were over from the time he sent the first message back to her. That he'd thrown away our futures, everything we've built over the past decade. That was all on him. Anything else we could have worked through but this was the one thing that meant we were over for good.

Anyway I was informed today that Ex and this vile woman are now FB 'friends'. Literally days after he was asking me to forgive him. I feel even more disappointed in him than I already was. It does confirm I made the right decision but why would you do that? I thought better of him I really did, but wanting to have anything to do with such a fucking fruit loop just shows he's exactly as thick as she is. It makes a complete mockery of everything we had. I'm annoyed with him for valuing get we had so little and this is just further evidence of that.

I can't even cry about it. I'm still too angry and disappointed.

Don't forget she met him on a sex site,

So he joined a sex site (presumably Fabswingers or similar) whilst in a long term relationship with you. That's absolutely unforgivable in itself.

Well, I chose, after consideration to forgive that. I know not everyone would but, based on the information available and knowing the history of our relationship, that was my choice, and honestly I still think it was the right thing to do.

His reasoning (I won't say justification because I didn't consider his actions were justified) was that he was looking for meaningless sex (the aforementioned last hurrah). He didn't want a relationship, as he had one with me so he went looking on a relevant online site, rather than going to a pub to meet a woman or starting something with a colleague.

Ultimately the whys don't really matter. I decided that I could get beyond that, but that was on the basis he didn't contact her again - which he'd said at the time he had no intention of ever doing, given what she'd put him/ us through while his mum was dying (which she knew). He went back on that, and irrespective of whether he contacted her to restart things, or just as a friend, or for any reason, that's us done, it has to be.

He contacted me today, to wish me a happy birthday and to ask me to agree to a date when he can collect his stuff/ return some bits of mine. Oh, and to say he hopes we can be friends.

Yeah, right.

Aw. Happy birthday @Bagoshite I’m sorry it’s happening at such a tough time for you. Will you do something nice for yourself?

Facebook is responsible for so much drama on this site. So ridiculous.

Thank you, I'm out for dinner later with my children, and seeing friends at the weekend.

All feels pretty flat tbh, not the birthday I was expecting a few weeks ago. And could have done without a message from him.

I’m sure you are feeling flat. Great though that you’ll celebrate with your children, that is very positive.

Would you consider blocking him at all so you don’t have to deal with these messages?

I've blocked him on social media, but he emailed me. I will see if I can block him on email too although I will give him his stuff back first, at least that's then done and after that he won't have any reason to contact me.

That’s probably a good plan, then at least you know you won’t be getting upsetting messages.

you need time to process everything that has happened, and the fewer interruptions from him the better.

I really hope you start to feel better soon, no one deserves what you’re going through.

Exactly this OP.

Op do you work?

i remember you from another thread recently saying how you didn’t have any friends.

you are still so young! You put all your eggs in one basket with him, and I think that a big part of why you’re so sad is not the loss of him (because it doesn’t sound like it was that great anyway!) but not loneliness.

so now focus on you and ensuring that when you meet your next partner, you have a separate network of friends and hobbies and perhaps work if not currently working so you don’t need him so much

I do work, but most of my colleagues live 100s of miles away, none of them are local to me.

I really miss him and getting a stupid message about his bloody stuff is just shit. I couldn't care less about the stuff of mine he has, he can sling it in the bin for all I care. It's actually more painful hearing from him in this way than not hearing from him at all. He isn't sorry at all, he's not apologised.

You are obsessed with getting an apology from him

it is not going to happen

I suppose because to me it's the least someone can do. The absence of an apology shows he doesn't think he's done anything wrong, and it also makes me feel he has no regret. Like a further reminder of how little I meant. Oh but he'd like to stay friends (that won't be happening).

someone who cheats on his long term partner. Twice.

the latest dalliance being a sort no strings attached series of fucks with essentially a stranger

is not someone to expect a genuine apology from

It doesn't make a difference but the no strings sex stuff was 3 years ago, I eventually forgave him for that and we moved forward - what's happened recently is that I discovered he'd been in contact with that same woman again. Albeit only as 'friends' (thus far at least). But that was enough for me to end it, I couldn't trust him again and I certainly wasn't going to hang around because I suspect that at some point it would have stopped being just messages or just friends.

It does make a difference

he badly badly hurt you 3 years

and then went on to do it AGAiN

that really does show someone who is profoundly unpleasant and has little respect for you

She does sound like a vile woman OP.

Not because she's slept with however many men but that they are in relationships and she knows that and she's taunted you (and possibly other women) with these details.

If she herself was caught in the crossfire she'd be apologetic or even more so want to not talk to you.

But he did go out of the way to cheat knowingly and therefore your personal anger should be placed at him. He's now learnt this is what happens when you get involved with someone unstable- it backfires. He made his own bed in thwt score.

Forgiving him was absolutely your choice to make and neither a good or bad one as you decide what you want, what you are willing to put up with, the conditions of forgiveness etc - then he decides if he wants you enough to stick by them.

You've learnt that unfortunately you didn't matter enough to him and you rightly said 'this was my conditions - you broke it and that's it.'

Hope you have a lovely time with your kids OSp 💐

Happy birthday OP! I think you sound awesome and I'd bloody love to get hammered with you to celebrate! One day at a time and you'll get there 💪

I get it op. You expected him to have more class. Clearly it is any port in a storm with him.

That's very kind thank you.

I wish my Ex had thought I was awesome, or awesome enough to stop him shagging someone else and then messaging her. He can't see the link between the two at all. I hope someday he does and realises what he's lost but I won't hold my breath.

Your mistake was taking him back the first time.

Seriously screw this oxygen thief. He sounds utterly disgusting.

Sit down with yourself and write a list of immovable criteria for a man, then date, and find a decent man.

After a period alone of course. Get on your feet, get your mental health and wellbeing sorted, take care of yourself, learn a new skill, love life again, then find a good partner; one who wants the same future as you via the same means.

Don't compromise again.

And you know, if he'd gone and shagged someone else, been messaging a new woman, I'd still have ended it, that wouldn't be any different.

But to message her again, the same woman, knowing how she previously behaved to him when his mum was dying, he not only has no respect for me, I honestly don't think he has any for himself either.

Sit down with yourself and write a list of immovable criteria for a man, then date, and find a decent man

The worst part about this is that I had such a list when I was last single. He was the only man who ticked every box. In fact, he was the only one who ticked more than even a couple of boxes, in 5 years of dating. I never compromised in meeting him, quite the opposite, he was the person I felt I was waiting to meet. As a friend once said, although others probably would have settled, I never gave up hope I'd meet someone who was right for me, and all the things I wanted.

I couldn't have predicted how things would have ended up of course.

Starting again feels a bit like hoping for lightning to strike in the same place twice though.

It is misogyny because you are judging her for how many men she sleeps with. As though that impacts anything. Its a judgement placed on women because they don’t live to a Patriarchy’s view of what women should be allowed to do.

Oh please, it's not about her promiscuity. It's the fact she revels in sleeping with married men and then bragging to the jilted wife, and the fact that she's apparently done it loads of times before.

It's grim.