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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To comment on a child’s size

132 replies

Psa4today · 14/05/2022 20:27

To ask you honestly if you’d comment on a child’s size, and to ask you to stop

PSA for today.

If you see a child/ toddler or baby you deem to be small, please keep your mouth closed about it. Stop saying to parents ‘oh he or she is tiny’ ‘don’t they eat’ ‘ they’re diddy/ a dot or whatever synonym for small enters your mind. Just don’t do it.

also if you see a child you deem to be too big, don’t comment.

you have NO idea how much your words are hurting parents. You have NO idea why that child so that size and what obstacles they are facing. There are a millions reasons from prematurity, growth restriction, heart conditions, Dwarfism, genetic condition, growth hormone deficiency, rss and severe allergies that make children small and a million more that make them big from thyroid issues to PWS. Every day is a fight for these parents. Don’t make it worse with the need to comment. If you must say something, say ‘they’re lovely’.

i see daily the pain these comments inflict on parents and the children who hear them. if this is you, No excuses, don’t hide behind good intentions. Just stop . All you’re doing in pointing out how different that child looks. Please if this is you, stop

psa over

OP posts:
Thinkbiglittleone · 14/05/2022 20:29

Couldn't agree more.
With our DC it's happened since he was born, still happening no way school, it's as if parents don't realise he understands what they are saying, just rude.

Sirzy · 14/05/2022 20:32

I think like most things it depends upon context and intention.

Ds is small for his age. He has been underweight most of his life and is now mainly tube fed. Personally I have never had issue with people commenting that he is small, he is. It’s a fact.

Original poster
Psa4today · 14/05/2022 20:33

Thinkbiglittleone · 14/05/2022 20:29

Couldn't agree more.
With our DC it's happened since he was born, still happening no way school, it's as if parents don't realise he understands what they are saying, just rude.

Exactly! I should have also said don’t talk about children like they aren’t there, another pet hate of mine.

just today, a mum sobbing after posting on a car seat safety page because they asked for weight and height and then all these mums of ‘big’ babies piled on asking the mum if she was sure about her babies weight because theirs was double at that age. Those comments will never leave that woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
Psa4today · 14/05/2022 20:35

Sirzy · 14/05/2022 20:32

I think like most things it depends upon context and intention.

Ds is small for his age. He has been underweight most of his life and is now mainly tube fed. Personally I have never had issue with people commenting that he is small, he is. It’s a fact.

tbh I don’t think either matter, it’s great you don’t get upset but many many others do, especially when fighting for or awaiting a diagnosis.

it’s not acceptable to go to an adult and say ‘my god how old are you, you’re bloody fat’ so I don’t think people should be so comfortable saying it about kids lol. It can cause a lot of hurt.

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 14/05/2022 20:35

Those comments will never leave that woman.

That feels a little OTT.

My oldest is very small (<0.4th centile) and many many people commented how little she was.
Didn’t bother me in the slightest.

Don’t assume everyone is the same.

DressingGownofDoom · 14/05/2022 20:37

YABU to assume everyone feels the same as you but YANBU in that everyone should learn to keep their traps shut about other peoples appearance.

Bloomi · 14/05/2022 20:38

Yep, for children of all ages too. My ds teen is small and people like to comment on that too, he's already self conscious about it.

LoveSpringDaffs · 14/05/2022 20:38

YABU because you feel you can speak for everyone, you can't. Some people are happy to acknowledge how 'diddy' their DC is & agree how gorgeous they are and maybe discuss why they're so diddy or happy to make a jokey comment about nah ndver feed them, am I meant to? How about you do you and leave everyone else to live their own lives??

Somuchgoo · 14/05/2022 20:40

Sirzy · 14/05/2022 20:32

I think like most things it depends upon context and intention.

Ds is small for his age. He has been underweight most of his life and is now mainly tube fed. Personally I have never had issue with people commenting that he is small, he is. It’s a fact.

Same! Even down to the tube feeding (though that's due to her already smallish appetite disappearing after major surgery).

She is small, it's a fact.

Pointing and starting, or going on about it is rude though obviously.

tilder · 14/05/2022 20:40

Sexnotgender · 14/05/2022 20:35

Those comments will never leave that woman.

That feels a little OTT.

My oldest is very small (<0.4th centile) and many many people commented how little she was.
Didn’t bother me in the slightest.

Don’t assume everyone is the same.

Might not bother you. How do you know it doesn't bother your child?

IME most people don't comment on overweight children. But small, slight, skinny appears to be fair game.

Original poster
Psa4today · 14/05/2022 20:40

Sexnotgender · 14/05/2022 20:35

Those comments will never leave that woman.

That feels a little OTT.

My oldest is very small (<0.4th centile) and many many people commented how little she was.
Didn’t bother me in the slightest.

Don’t assume everyone is the same.

But that’s you isn’t it you’re ok with the comments but many aren’t and words matter we should all chose them wisely. You also shouldn’t assume everyone is the same, in my line of (volunteer) work, it’s the #1 thing I here time and time again, it does cause a lot of hurt for just throw away comments.

you don’t know that woman’s journey and how much she’s struggling so I think it’s unfair to say that.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 14/05/2022 20:42

When asking for advice of things like car seats then clarifying the weight/height is important to ensure the right advice is given. That’s why most people would start something like that with “my Ds is small for his age and only weighs….” To clarify it.

Loginmystery · 14/05/2022 20:42

I totally agree with you op.
it’s not acceptable at all.

Original poster
Psa4today · 14/05/2022 20:42

DressingGownofDoom · 14/05/2022 20:37

YABU to assume everyone feels the same as you but YANBU in that everyone should learn to keep their traps shut about other peoples appearance.

It doesn’t affect me personally I’m not personally touched by the issue.

it’s just a little reminder that we should reevaluate out throw away comments as you never know, even though the intention is innocent, it could (not definitely will) cause a lot of hurt for that person that day, and I know most wouldn’t actually want to do that

OP posts:
Original poster
Psa4today · 14/05/2022 20:45

LoveSpringDaffs · 14/05/2022 20:38

YABU because you feel you can speak for everyone, you can't. Some people are happy to acknowledge how 'diddy' their DC is & agree how gorgeous they are and maybe discuss why they're so diddy or happy to make a jokey comment about nah ndver feed them, am I meant to? How about you do you and leave everyone else to live their own lives??

I’m not speaking about my child/
children but many of the parents I encounter. But some are hurt and as you don’t know who is who, isn’t it kinder to just say something neutral, like ‘he or she is beautiful’ ‘lovely hair’ ‘beautiful eyes’ ‘they’re lovely’ or something like that

OP posts:
prettylittlethingss · 14/05/2022 20:46

YANBU. My little boy is fairly small ( not that small though) and I had a stranger ask me how old he was, I said 4 months and she responded 'was he premature?'
It made me paranoid I wasn't producing enough milk and he wasn't growing enough.

danny735 · 14/05/2022 20:48

DD is 98th centile and I have been upset by some comments. I agree 100%

KarrotKake · 14/05/2022 20:48

It is always worth clarifying things that are at the edges of normal if you are going to give advice. The number of people who don't actually know the difference between kg and lb, or convert them incorrectly, is not insignificant, and getting someone to double check is never a bad thing.

And yes, I have one of those small kids (as in frequently got asked if I had twins when they were 2 and 4).

Thinkbiglittleone · 14/05/2022 20:51

Some people are happy to acknowledge how 'diddy' their DC is & agree how gorgeous they are and maybe discuss why they're so diddy or happy to make a jokey comment about nah ndver feed them, am I meant to? How about you do you and leave everyone else to live their own lives??

That's is fine for people to follow another's lead, if a parent is happy to crack jokes about their child's appearance, by all means, join in if that your tiny, but don't assume I want your ridiculous comments about my child appearance, I don't.

While I understand it's a fact, a large percentage of the British public are overweight, I don't stop them in the street to tell them they are overweight, but by some peoples theories that would be fine and not offensive at all Hmm

Original poster
Psa4today · 14/05/2022 20:51

KarrotKake · 14/05/2022 20:48

It is always worth clarifying things that are at the edges of normal if you are going to give advice. The number of people who don't actually know the difference between kg and lb, or convert them incorrectly, is not insignificant, and getting someone to double check is never a bad thing.

And yes, I have one of those small kids (as in frequently got asked if I had twins when they were 2 and 4).

No that makes sense from an admin POV, totally but I think the hurt came from half a dozen mums came on after she clarified that weight was correct to point out how small the child was and how their kids were in comparison, thoughtless and quite hurtful

OP posts:
Applegreenb · 14/05/2022 20:52

I am really tall for a women and it doesn’t bother me when people mention it. My DC are all super tall and again we get comments but it doesn’t bother me.

i did how ever have a tiny baby bump due to the height so I hid it well. I hated when people told me I had a small bump so I completely get if you are sensitive about something then even an innocent comment can upset you.

KnottyKnitting · 14/05/2022 20:56

Totally agree- a child I know has Marfan's syndrome and is very very tall for her age. She spends her time being teased at school and people commenting on her height. She has other health conditions and really could do without adults who should know better making her feel even more self conscious than she already is.

StephMum92 · 14/05/2022 20:58

I get these comments all the time and they drive me insane! My DD is 12 weeks old, was 5lb when born and now nearly 11lb but is still referred to by everyone as tiny! Or when out in the supermarket I get 'wow she's a new one' a lot. I feel like even family judge why she's so small like she isn't being fed or something even though she is and even HV said she's doing well. She'll never be tall, I'm 4ft 8in and DP 5ft 10in. I also get the 'wow she holds her head up so well' as if because she's not massive she won't be able to do anything.

Maray1967 · 14/05/2022 21:10

Yes, I can still remember a good friend commenting on how small DS2 was when she saw him. He was 7 lb 4 at birth, hers were all 9lb plus. Even though he was fine it still bothered me for quite a while. I know she didn’t mean it badly in any way but if I found it upsetting I can imagine how people must feel whose children will always be smaller than others due to a condition.

NiceTwin · 14/05/2022 21:16

My first was a little dot of a thing, still is at 20.
Didn't bother me in the slightest that people mentioned it.

Why does it bother you so much op?

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